I do not understand what my fellow is trying to tell me.

[Snuffy]

I am in a relationship which is long distance. It has been going very well. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone that had the same mental connection as what I had found and later the physical connection also followed.

 

In the beginning when I had never even hinted I was looking for marriage, he said he couldn't see us married. As the nights went on I pined and it was lonely but I knew this was an up/down roller coaster effect of long distance relationships. The problem was when I ran into a man who had the exact same qualities as what I had found but he had proximity.

 

There is no commitment or any dating between me and the second man. But the man is attracted to me and I to him though I told him I would do nothing while I was in a relationship and he respected that.

 

The dilemma I have is this: In order to continue the long distance relationship and endure the pain and loneliness of repeated seperations, I want to know there is something there, a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

So I brought up the subject of marriage again and asked my fellow if his mind had changed.

 

He said he had thought about it, that I would make a good mother, that he had thought about spending his life with me but as I was his first relationship he was scared that he was missing out on something he did not know existed. So I said to him, "You are scared to committ because you are so new to dating you are worried you are missing out?"

 

He said yes that he was. He is six years younger than I am and this is the second year he has been out of his parent's household though they still help manage his finances. He just finished his schooling as well. I am his first relationship and a few other firsts. I have been giving much leeway because it is his first and I believe it is fair but I am hurting a little too because I feel like I always take the initiative.

 

We have been having discussions recently about how wanting things does not make them happen that love is not enough but also of necessity is working for what we want which means both people not one taking all the initiative/work.

 

He told me in the beginning he wanted a marriage like his parents had and children when he was financially ready. I asked how many children and he stated 2-4. We had discussed closing proximity after I got my foster son graduated in three years as I wished to give my son a stable home while finishing high school after the upset of his prior home life.

 

The problem is that in three years I will be 35. I do not want to have children after the age of 40 for health reasons as well as I would like my children to be out of the house before I am of retirement age. If we had a minimum of two children assuming back to back pregnancies, the latest to try assuming pregnancy is age 38 for me. Basically, I feel there is a three/four year gap where I can give this man what he would like as a family if we build one together.

 

Anyways, back to the discussion of marriage. When he said he was afraid of missing out, I suggested the way he find out if he is missing out is not to play video games in his apartment but to gather his courage and go date other women. I was not particularly happy with that advice and it hurt terribly.

 

But I felt we were at different points in our lives. He is just starting to enjoy the freedom of leaving a parental household but I am finishing one child's up bringing and wanting to make sure that I also take care of my own needs financially such as retirement.

 

He did not like my suggestion of him dating other people. Even though he is not ready to commit and wanted freedom. I do not understand this contradiction and I am so confused. He disagrees with me when I state that I am more attached to him than he to me. I stated I thought I wanted things that he was not ready to give and that even though it hurts that maybe seperating was better.

 

Since he had to go to work, he asked and I clarified to be sure I understood him correctly that we were still in a relationship and he wanted to talk more.

 

Honestly, these concerns had been with me a while, I just felt five months of dating was too soon to ask that I would be pressuring him. He says he does not feel trapped nor does he feel I am putting a guilt trip on him. The catalyst that actually made me broach the subject is that even though I am not in a relationship with the second guy, the second guy echoed the same sentiments as my friends whom I speak to when I pine.

 

I do not want to keep waiting and waiting for someone to change their mind. If the man does not want marriage, then I wish to cut him loose so he and I both have the freedom to find what we want. The issue is not love. We both love each other very much, we just do not want the same things in life right now.

 

I do not understand why he doesn't want the freedom I am willing to give him since he stated he feels like if he commits he is missing out. I thought he would like to have his freedom since he said he didn't want to miss out.

 

I am so confused. Can someone please help explain to me what I don't understand? I thought I was trying to do the right thing.

[FitChick]

If you've found someone closer who has most of the qualities you admire in the LDR without any of the problems, then cut the boyfriend loose. What if you wait for a few more years and then he decides he wants someone younger? You are at two different life stages. Why squander reality for a fantasy that may not materialize? "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

[Eddie Edirol]

He does need to sow his wild oats. And hes right to avoid having kids when he isnt financially ready. Nothing kills relationships more that having kids when youre broke. Let him go, he needs someone his age who isnt in a rush to have children.

[Snuffy]

I am trying to let him go. He doesn't want to go despite the things I see as differences.

 

I wasn't in a rush to have children so much as acknowledging because of our age differences, if he decides children are important to his dreams then I can't give him his dreams.

 

He will need someone who can.