stray Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I found out my ex has a new girlfriend. I saw them in his profile picture on Google+. He never, ever put up a picture of us when we were dating. I texted and called him and begged him to tell me who she was and why he chose to date her. I begged him to tell me if it was his girlfriend. All he said was "yep, I'm dating her". I then texted and begged him to tell me why her, why did he chose her over me and our babies (I had two abortions when I was with him). I begged and pleaded with him for closure. And he has not responded. The girl is very pretty, she looks nothing like me. I am thin, with small breasts, and she is thicker with very large breasts. She has some tattoos, the "artistic" type and I am very plain, very down to earth. I'm devastated. I'm at work, but can't work. I loved him so much and I loved the children we aborted, but he told me he would never speak to me again if I had either baby. Please help me.
coltsfan1 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 stray- you have to put him in the back of your mind. Leave him to live his life, you have to accept you are not a part of it anymore. If you do not leave him alone you will regret it everyday. I have not let somethings go in my life and it has ruined relationships for me. People I didn't want to loose, please do whatever you need to so you can move on. Just make sure it is healthy for you.
Mack05 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Stray, You already know NC is avoiding everything, thats why it saves us from this kind of hurt so that we can heal. I would strongly recommend therapy ASAP. This is your rock bottom. There is no worse to come then this, but when we hit rock bottom we need help to grieve in the correct way. U have a long journey ahead. I won't kid you. You will need to find courage you didn't know you had, but the correct love and support you can beat this and climb out of hell..
sun_moon Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hey dear, I'm so sorry your in such despair, we can all relate to the desperation you just went through. The kind that puts you in situations like this to the point where you dont even recognize yourself or you actions. I have some good news for you though, once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. The only thing you have to do is make sure you dont voluntarily put yourself in that situation again. So now that you've hit this low and are feeling a million negative emotions, you can begin to rebuild. You know what everyone is going to say, so think about it. Really think about it. Look into yourself at this very moment at work, how your utterly not functional and ask yourself do I want to feel this way everyday? Do I want to get out of this depression. You cant get him back. PERIOD. You can gain your strength back though, you can gain back your dignity, your confidence, your composure, one step at a time. No contact is more than just exchanging words and not seeing each other. Its the complete eradication of your ex and your former life with him. No social network spying, no revisiting old pictures, no emails/texts/calls, no mutual friends, not even visiting old places you frequented (not until your ready and stronger) So no more google/FB/whatnot spying, just remove yourself from the situation. I swear its all over rated, my goodness we have all survived our lives and social standing without these technologies, its not the end of the world if you take a hiatus from it. Just my opinion. Its amazing the peace you can get when you go FULL NC, you will feel better after a week. I know you dont agree with me, but its like medicine, no one likes the way it tastes but it heals us in the end, and it takes time to kick in. You can do this. Take this day to grieve and let it all out, once you've physically exhausted yourself and ran out of tears. Eat, and eat well, even if your appetite isnt there. Then, go for a walk or a run. Tonight, reflect on your next action. How am I going to make myself feel better? The answer cant have anything to do with him or getting him back. I hope you feel better. *hugs*
stillafool Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Honey, you have to let it go. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this and it must hurt but you have to let him go. Your begging him for infomation about his new girlfriend is going to turn him off even more. He will never really tell you the truth or be able to satisfy all the questions in your mind. You can vent here but you have to go NC with him as soon as possible so you can be on the road to recovery. What do you mean by Huge Mistake?
Author stray Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 It just isn't fair. I was so incredibly good to him, and his family. I was so happy with him. And it just wasn't enough for him. He treated me great in the beginning and he treated me decent at times during the rest of the relationship, but he told me he never loved me at the end. He told me he never loved me after my last abortion, and that he didn't care that I had bled for two months straight afterwards, that he "didn't even want to have sex anyway". Now I see him with this beautiful girl, I can't believe it. It is a nightmare. To not even give someone closure, to never speak to someone again, after seeing them everyday for a year and creating human lives together. To see his arms around someone else and to see his face to happy, it's simply unbeliveable. I don't know what to say or do. How do I get over this? Please help. I'm honestly willing to do anything. Obviously he wanted someone more "like her" - but I am such a good girlfriend to any man, and in addition to that, I'm a wonderful loyal friend. I'm pretty, I'm smart...I don't understand. What was it about her, that pleases him, but not about me?
Author stray Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 And he appears obsessed with her...the way his arms are around her. He never posted any pictures of me, no matter what I did, no matter how good I was to him.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So you know what the huge mistake was right? You still checking his FB. NC is about you, not him. It doesn't matter if he is with someone else, you need to take care of yourself. His choice is his choice, it was nothing that you did, didn't do, how you look, etc. It was just his choice. NC is for you to heal. It hurts when someone rejects you, but the reasons why are on him. You are a good person, you don't need to know why, you need to get yourself together. Make better choices for yourself next time, someone that would treat you the way he did is not worthy of your time or effort. It is hard to see right now but soon you will know that you are the lucky one. You don't need a terrible person like that in your life and you will be so much better off. I wish you luck.
Mack05 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Please Stray you must go to Therapy. You have so much to grieve for. There seems to be almost delayed grief here and this is the worst kind of grief to overcome. You are heartbroken and your thought process is irrational and all over the place. Therapay is badly needed for you. Please trust me...
sun_moon Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 who said anything about life being fair!!!! Stray, I know you are in a lot of shock and pain right now, once the dust settles, you can again use reasoning. Until then, just remember his "happiness" is an illusion, and even if it isnt, its not yours to think about. You have to think about your happiness. My boss said something to me a while back that made me laugh because of my reaction. She asked me if I was dating yet, I said not yet, and I began to say something regarding my ex not leaving me alone and letting me heal and I began to tear up just because of the rehashing.... She interrupted me and said something wise and started it with this..."Ok, time to put your big girl panties on and....yadayaydaya" basically telling me to take charge of my emotions and not let him win. My reaction (I was beginning to regain my strength and confidence because of NC) was NO "I'm going to put my big girl thongs on and walk" She died laughing and said there you go....My point is to make you laugh and for you to see that after today, you have to find a way to not let him take away anymore of your emotions and tears, because he obviously doesn't deserve any more of them. Grieve all you want, and come here and bitch about him, just don't reach out to that assclown. It wont be easy, and everyday is a challenge, but each day will be a step closer to your healing. Every person replying and/or reading this is living testimony that it gets better, and that we have all been there and back (some multiple times) We are all doing better, and so will you.
sweet honey eyes Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 It just isn't fair. I was so incredibly good to him, and his family. I was so happy with him. And it just wasn't enough for him. He treated me great in the beginning and he treated me decent at times during the rest of the relationship, but he told me he never loved me at the end. He told me he never loved me after my last abortion, and that he didn't care that I had bled for two months straight afterwards, that he "didn't even want to have sex anyway". Now I see him with this beautiful girl, I can't believe it. It is a nightmare. To not even give someone closure, to never speak to someone again, after seeing them everyday for a year and creating human lives together. To see his arms around someone else and to see his face to happy, it's simply unbeliveable. I don't know what to say or do. How do I get over this? Please help. I'm honestly willing to do anything. Obviously he wanted someone more "like her" - but I am such a good girlfriend to any man, and in addition to that, I'm a wonderful loyal friend. I'm pretty, I'm smart...I don't understand. What was it about her, that pleases him, but not about me? Stray, I was almost there. I was with this guy for 18 months, tried to give the best of me. It was like a marriage, because it was 24x7. He also started being very nice, very romantic, attentive... but then they change.. they become different, kind of controlling, not attentive, rude... and you start a ride in a rollercoaster where your lose your brain and you can't function the way you used to.. It's part of their game.. I just realized it.. I read a book "overcome a breakup in 30 days" or something like that. Believe me, it works. I read it in two days!! and I am re-reading it again slowly now. Don't focus on him. Focus on YOU. Go out, enroll in a gym, take a class.. turn to your friends... WHATEVER it takes! You will overcome all of this.. and will become stronger and better.. Believe me... because I was there!
wilsonx Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 And he appears obsessed with her...the way his arms are around her. He never posted any pictures of me, no matter what I did, no matter how good I was to him. stray, i feel your pain, I read your post and I can relate to everything you posted including this. he did not deserve you. My ex doesnt deserve me. Hopefully you will see that soon enough and that you dodged a bullet.
geegirl Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 First of all, you need to stop comparing yourself to this other woman. It is bad enough that he shattered you to pieces by treating you badly, you're adding to it by beating yourself down comparing yourself to a woman he is now dating. Secondly, you're expecting someone who didn't care that you were bleeding for 2 months, and didn't care about your well being but more about his inability to have sex with you as someone capable of giving you decent and respectful treatment? You're expecting this man who treated you cruelly to extend decency and kindness? You're expecting this man to give you closure? He can't. He does not have it in him to go from douchebag to gentleman. Your sense of worth is shot. You need to get help Stray. If you can't see the toxicity and unhealthiness of this man as you sit there and feel the loss of a prince, you're sense of self is damaged. It's not a matter of which girl is better than you. If you had a sense of self, you'd realize you're done with the douchebag and now this poor woman has him as a so called prize. It's only time before his true nature shows itself. If he was that cruel to you, trust me he has a streak in him. Stop checking his FB, Google, and what not. It doesn't do you any good to check up on him. It's detrimental to you and you alone. The pot is hot, stop touching it. If you know you have all these wonderful qualities about you and you're wondering why this guy can't appreciate it, it's because he does not need/want it in his life. Give it to someone who will appreciate it. Breaking your head about why he doesn't want it is futile. His priorities and values in life are vastly different from yours. It's not about who's better. It's about who can give him what he wants at whatever stage of his life he is in.
coltsfan1 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 First of all, you need to stop comparing yourself to this other woman. It is bad enough that he shattered you to pieces by treating you badly, you're adding to it by beating yourself down comparing yourself to a woman he is now dating. Secondly, you're expecting someone who didn't care that you were bleeding for 2 months, and didn't care about your well being but more about his inability to have sex with you as someone capable of giving you decent and respectful treatment? You're expecting this man who treated you cruelly to extend decency and kindness? You're expecting this man to give you closure? He can't. He does not have it in him to go from douchebag to gentleman. Your sense of worth is shot. You need to get help Stray. If you can't see the toxicity and unhealthiness of this man as you sit there and feel the loss of a prince, you're sense of self is damaged. It's not a matter of which girl is better than you. If you had a sense of self, you'd realize you're done with the douchebag and now this poor woman has him as a so called prize. It's only time before his true nature shows itself. If he was that cruel to you, trust me he has a streak in him. Stop checking his FB, Google, and what not. It doesn't do you any good to check up on him. It's detrimental to you and you alone. The pot is hot, stop touching it. If you know you have all these wonderful qualities about you and you're wondering why this guy can't appreciate it, it's because he does not need/want it in his life. Give it to someone who will appreciate it. Breaking your head about why he doesn't want it is futile. His priorities and values in life are vastly different from yours. It's not about who's better. It's about who can give him what he wants at whatever stage of his life he is in. Listen to this advice and mourn the lose of a friend that became a STRANGER. If this person was an honest stand up person they would have handled things in a very different way. Trust me some people are broken and either want to stay that way or they change just not with or for us. If you are where I have been you might actually need professional guidance.
bikinibeach Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 STRAY! MY LOVE! you can't do this! if you can't pull through this then everyone else on this board had better start packing up because nothing will help them. i don't know what to say to you that you don't already know or haven't already heard. consider though: he probably did that to get a rise out of you! it could be his second cousin. and a shot like that sounds STAGED. trust me, i still think of revenge on the assclown that brought me to this site and just today, i was thinking of taking a picture of me with my sexy new guy JUST so i could make it my profile pic on fb and drive my ex mad. please get help? professional kind. and read this link, ok? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/is-he-different-with-her-why-did-he-choose-her-instead-of-me-when-youre-not-the-one-or-they-move-on-to-a-fresh-victim/ xoxo
radiodarcy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 oh dear. stray, i'm so sorry to hear about this. not to rub salt in the wound, but this is why i have tried to stay away from social websites that the ex frequents as i know if i did see something like that (photos of him with someone else) i would feel compelled to ask him about it. nothing good comes from checking up on the ex. and one little, 2 second peek can undo months of healing. i agree with the other posters and would suggest that you seek counseling. it sounds like this guy did a real number on you and you don't need to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has gotten a rise out of you. seek counseling so you can move forward and rid yourself of this toxic person once and for all.
Author stray Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I know you are all right. Thank you so much for all your support. I might be posting on here a lot lately. I have decided to get counseling, I've already contacted a few clinics. I wish to post the letter I almost wrote to his sister. I will find it now.
Author stray Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I did not send this letter. Hi Martina, This letter will be long, but please read it. I know Gigio has painted me to be crazy, and a liar. I want to set the record straight. Some of what I’m about to say will be shocking. But this is the truth. For starters, when I first met Gigio, you and your family, I was not in my Master’s program as I told you (but I am now). I am sorry that I lied. I was taking classes for my program through open enrollment, and trying my hardest to get in. I didn’t know how to tell you all, that all my hard work in these classes, might be for nothing. But I should have told you all the truth. In August 2010, I found out I was pregnant, by Gigio. I had been on birth control, though I had taken it intermittently at a point (which I know was very, very stupid), and Gigio had not wanted to have sex for many days sometimes – so I guess I thought it might not matter anyway. When I found out I was pregnant, Gigio told me it was my fault, because I had not taken the birth control correctly. I take complete responsibility for my part in the pregnancy. I went to Planned Parenthood and they told me the due date was April 8, 2011. I had an abortion which was emotionally very painful for me, but I tried to put the pregnancy behind me and focus on school, and work. Gigio stopped wanting to have sex completely, and he wouldn’t talk to me about the abortion. Shortly after, he broke up with me. A couple months later, Gigio and I began seeing each other again, every day. He would always say, “maybe I should just get you pregnant again”. A part of me somehow convinced myself maybe he wanted to get me pregnant again, that maybe he had regretted the first abortion too, and maybe he did want a family with me. I can’t believe I told myself these things. I was so, so blind, and my thinking so wishful. I just made a terrible, terrible mistake. But sure enough, as easy as that, I got pregnant again on Dec 31st, 2010, with Gigio’s child. I took the pregnancy test when he was at my house. He said, “I guess you have to go back to the clinic again”. I knew then, I had made the biggest mistake of my life, allowing myself to get pregnant again by him. He told me if I kept the baby that he would never speak to me again. This abortion was surgical (the first time I did the medical abortion), and when I saw it on the ultra sound, it was the most awful feeling in my entire life, everything in my heart told me to keep that child. But the next thing I knew, I was walking myself to the surgery room, and then I woke up, and they told me it was over. And it was devastating. After the second abortion, I bled and bled for weeks, which turned into months. I should have seen a doctor sooner, but I looked on abortion message boards and other women had experienced the bleeding, and I just decided to wait it out. During that time Gigio became much more distant, and like the first abortion, had stopped wanting to have sex because of the bleeding. I went on a new birth control so he knew I wouldn’t get pregnant again, but the birth control made me bleed more and pushed him away more. Finally, I decided to go to the clinic to get a check-up. I asked Gigio to go with me and he said “it wasn’t his problem” and that, “I was just his **** buddy and he was not my boyfriend”. I went to Planned Parenthood alone and my blood pressure was extremely low, they asked me to get off the birth control. Gigio came over that night and I told him what happened at the clinic and he became very angry that I stopped taking the birth control without asking him. He then said “well, it’s fine, because I don’t want to have sex with you anymore anyway”. The next day I was extremely depressed and I began drinking; I drank 2 bottles of wine – by myself. I went to 711 the next morning and while in line I fainted, hit my head very hard, and I ran home. I called Gigio and he came over, he did comfort me, bought me water and some food. He looked at the wound on my head and said it was not terrible. I felt very ill, extremely nauseous, and I fainted again in my bathroom. It was so embarrassing for Gigio to see me like this. I lay in my bed, panicking, and asked Gigio if he ever loved me and he just said, “I don’t love you”. I then asked him to stay the night because I didn’t know how bad the concussion was, and he said he would stay but “to not get the wrong idea”. My dad picked me up the next day and I told him everything. It was very hard to tell my dad everything, but I didn’t know who to talk to at that time. Within the next week or so, I told Gigio everything I had held from him for so many months. I told him I wasn’t officially in the MSPA program. I told him I use to be an alcoholic between the ages of 25 to 27. I told him I was having a very hard time dealing with the abortions. I told him everything I could imagine I withheld from him. He continued to keep in touch weekly, sometimes biweekly. But I could see on his Facebook that he was seeing new people. That was when I deleted him, and you, and everyone connected to him. I couldn’t handle it. When I found out he had a new girlfriend (I saw on Google+), I made a fool of myself and called and texted him to tell me why her and not me, why he never wanted a child with me, why did he never care. I texted him, numerous times and he never responded. I even went and saw your mom, but I did not tell her about the abortions. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her and I don’t think I ever will. Since Gigio will not give me closure, I’m hoping this letter will. Everything I’ve told you is true. So no matter what Gigio says, this is all exactly what happened. This is the complete truth. I did get off the waiting list and intro the program, and I will graduate next year. I forwarded my acceptance letter to Gigio, but he did not respond. I’m sorry this is a lot of “drama” to swallow, but I’m trying to find some sense of relief with this. I have told my father (who truly had been my hero through this) everything, and he is helping me get through this. And I’m hoping this letter to you will help clear the air with your family, in my heart. You don’t need to respond to this if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know the truth. I care for your family, and I wish you all the best. Christy
sun_moon Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hurray for positive change!!!! I'm so happy you have taken this step for your recovery.
sun_moon Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Wow Stray, your story nearly brought me to tears, and I am glad you didn't send it. Counseling is the best decision you have made yet! You are going to get through this and you are stronger than you know.
Mack05 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Stray, I hope you stick to your guns and not send this letter. No good can come of it. I am really happy to hear you are going to counselling. We are all behind you the overall community of LS. Lean on LS as you are going through this. It is a great comfort. Like getting your hand held when you need it..
Author stray Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I'm sorry if that letter was very disturbing. But that is the whole truth. After I told him everything I had withheld from him, he told his family I had lied to all of them. And I guess I did, but it's honestly not who I am in my heart. In my heart, I am a very honest and loving person. I was hoping he would be able to look past the things I was dishonest about, or had not told him, and realize I was telling him because I couldn't lie anymore. But he judged me, anyhow. I worked very, very hard to get into that program. So hard, words can't describe. I was even told I wouldn't get in and to quit trying. When I got the phone call from the department offering me a space, and telling me I only had one year left...I can't put it into words. I thought my ex would be able to at least acknowledge that, but he just thinks I'm insane.
Author stray Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I wasn't this "crazy person" when I dated him, either. Our relationship for many months was nearly perfect. I wish so badly I had told him the truth in the beginning and maybe he would have never left me or have this image of me.
bikinibeach Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I wish so badly I had told him the in the beginning and maybe he would have never left me or have this image of me. The truth very frankly is that there is nothing you could have done differently. NOTHING! This person is not just a douchebag assclown, someone who would treat another person like that, even treat a STRANGER or a CRIMINAL like that is a freaking. Bad. Person. these scenarios devastate me. I could actuallt feel the pain my friend went through as she listened to her bf of 8YRS call her disgusting and say he never loved her while she cried in the phone, in another state, with his dead baby STILL inside her ... She had to give birth to it..devastating If i had a son who behaved anything like " gigolo" i would be beyond ashamed. As a sister, if my brother pulled anything remotely close to this, believe that i would make his life a LIVING HELL!!! something is seriously wrong with how these people were raised. Wash your hands of them all!
Author stray Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I have decided to move back in with my parents for a while, maybe 2-3 months. I currently have my own place in Pasadena, but I really need some time away from that city, and with my family, and for the counseling and getting myself together. This is my rock bottom, I believe. But I pray that I'm making the right choices and that someday this will have been for the better.
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