She went cold after fantastic first date - very complicated!!!

[DeadlyAvenger]

Hi guys, ive got a complicated problem that i could really do with some insight with!

 

Got talking really nice girl online couple of weeks ago, exchanged few texts & phone calls for about a week, she made a lot of effort to communicate, and would often ring out the blue etc.

 

Arranged for our first date for last sat night. However the night before date, she wanted to add me to Facebook, and i noticed we shared a mutual female friend, someone I get one really well with, as does she - they're actully very close freinds in fact. I did think this may have a been an issue but then kinda forgot about it. This mutual friend may also 'possibly' kinda likes me (...a little!), I could be totally wrong tho, as weve been "just freinds" for over four years and neither of us really showed proper signs ofinterest if you know what i mean.

 

Anyway date was awesome, as good as ive had, lots of flirting, teasing joking etc. We also both got quite drunk mind you! But anyway there was lots & lots of touching and we ended up kissing at end of the night as i was walking her back. As dates go it was a 9.5/10!

 

She is definately a fun girl, but she did also say during date she is looking for all the serious things - i.e. marraige, kids eventually etc. So am i to be honest , but wanted it to be a fun date, so didnt come on to serious with her.

 

And because I played it very kool during date i believe it helped her attraction to me. During the date she mentioned that she wanted to meet following day for lunch date, but i kinda had other plans...but i could have easliy cancelled these plans, I wanted to play it kool and not seem too availible - very stupid now in hindsight!

 

As we walked back she even said "what do you think about you and me then?" i.e. relationship, so i know she she was def interested in me.

 

We exchanged few more texts on sunday. She text me in the morning asked if I had a good time at date, i said yeah in a joking way. Sent her another text sun night asking about how her day was. Ended up sending a reply asking her to send me a pic of her modelling a new dress she'd bought. I may have pushed it with that text perhaps as there was no reply to this text??

 

Same night she posted messages on her facebook status that seem to be about her ex/when your missing someone..."Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen each other or the amount of time since you've talked. ...."

 

And then yesterday she seemed to vanish from my facebook totally (she either blocked me or disabled her account - i think disabled to be honest...dont ask how i know lol) I should also point out her ex was total control freak, she broke up with him about 2-3 months ago and think im the first guys shes been on a date with since. He continues to hassle her i think.

 

I text her again this morning - just asking how shes doing and apologised that ive been too busy to call her last few days (kinda true), and mentioned that i accidently bumped into the mutual friend (which i did, but couldnt speak to her). Theres been no reply to this.

 

So i dont know if the sudden loss of interest was due to:

a) My last text (the dress)? Being too sexual perhaps?

b) Her regretting flirting heavily/kissing on first date whilst drunk?

c) The mutual freind not happy with situation (jealosuy?) - i think this is a big factor and would explain sudden change

d) Mis-intrepeted her seriousness

e) Or her ex is back on the scene/she is missing her ex?

 

There was a lot of attraction - so im very confused, but maybe too much? Obviuosly theres lot of factors goin on, so ehat should i do? I was thinking of speaking to the mutual friend first of all to find out if she has said anything?

Edited August 2, 2011 by DeadlyAvenger

[zengirl]

It was one date. She isn't responding. Does the reasoning really matter?

 

If I have to place bets, my money is on the ex.

[mortensorchid]

She sounded like she was very interested, and then all of a sudden she's not? Sounds like she was the aggressor for a while, and now she's waiting for you to respond? Have you responded to her? If not, why not?

 

She sounds like she's coming on rather strong. Are you happy about this or not? Just thought I would ask.

[Feelin Frisky]

I wish I could help. But when I see FaceBook early in a long post I'm useless. At times like these I just thank my lucky stars for not having had to "face" these kinds of things in my youth.

 

I hope you don't mind if I indulge some analysis about this. It may be kinda cold and computational but there may be something to consider in it.

 

Do you know the difference between "romance" and "love"? Romance has to do with wanting and the dramas of not knowing. Love is really being happy with "having" someone after the wanting phase has all been settled--it involves finding new ways to still "want" while "having". Enter FaceBook. And even enter "texting".

 

I see these as quick ways to undermine romance and drive people to become somewhat neurotic. Expectations are built up too soon with too much connection and too much public information. When someone suddenly reverses without apparent reason it becomes more of a crisis than it used to be when people had to face not knowing everything about each other early on in relationships. We called handling disappointment "being adjusted". There needs to be new rules and orientation rather than just technologies thrown into the hands of vulnerable people. I have big beefs with FaceBook being just a holding pen for social illiterates where social defaults will still just happen as the chips fall where they may. That's all you get for "free software"--under-thought-out make-do reckless social blundering put together by products of a socially developmentally neglectful society which they call "social networking".

 

My bottom line advice is take hard lessons to heart and decide what is truly good for you in the way of using technology and what may undermine romance and then go out and live it--you DO get to set some rules in your life.

[Cee]

Frisky, I love your comment on romance vs love. It cleared up the confusion about why there's so much drama with dating.

[bluenightowl]

Hi guys, ive got a complicated problem that i could really do with some insight with!

 

Got talking really nice girl online couple of weeks ago, exchanged few texts & phone calls for about a week, she made a lot of effort to communicate, and would often ring out the blue etc.

 

Arranged for our first date for last sat night. However the night before date, she wanted to add me to Facebook, and i noticed we shared a mutual female friend, someone I get one really well with, as does she - they're actully very close freinds in fact. I did think this may have a been an issue but then kinda forgot about it. This mutual friend may also 'possibly' kinda likes me (...a little!), I could be totally wrong tho, as weve been "just freinds" for over four years and neither of us really showed proper signs ofinterest if you know what i mean.

 

Anyway date was awesome, as good as ive had, lots of flirting, teasing joking etc. We also both got quite drunk mind you! But anyway there was lots & lots of touching and we ended up kissing at end of the night as i was walking her back. As dates go it was a 9.5/10!

 

She is definately a fun girl, but she did also say during date she is looking for all the serious things - i.e. marraige, kids eventually etc. So am i to be honest , but wanted it to be a fun date, so didnt come on to serious with her.

 

And because I played it very kool during date i believe it helped her attraction to me. During the date she mentioned that she wanted to meet following day for lunch date, but i kinda had other plans...but i could have easliy cancelled these plans, I wanted to play it kool and not seem too availible - very stupid now in hindsight!

 

As we walked back she even said "what do you think about you and me then?" i.e. relationship, so i know she she was def interested in me.

 

We exchanged few more texts on sunday. She text me in the morning asked if I had a good time at date, i said yeah in a joking way. Sent her another text sun night asking about how her day was. Ended up sending a reply asking her to send me a pic of her modelling a new dress she'd bought. I may have pushed it with that text perhaps as there was no reply to this text??

 

Same night she posted messages on her facebook status that seem to be about her ex/when your missing someone..."Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen each other or the amount of time since you've talked. ...."

 

And then yesterday she seemed to vanish from my facebook totally (she either blocked me or disabled her account - i think disabled to be honest...dont ask how i know lol) I should also point out her ex was total control freak, she broke up with him about 2-3 months ago and think im the first guys shes been on a date with since. He continues to hassle her i think.

 

I text her again this morning - just asking how shes doing and apologised that ive been too busy to call her last few days (kinda true), and mentioned that i accidently bumped into the mutual friend (which i did, but couldnt speak to her). Theres been no reply to this.

 

So i dont know if the sudden loss of interest was due to:

a) My last text (the dress)? Being too sexual perhaps?

b) Her regretting flirting heavily/kissing on first date whilst drunk?

c) The mutual freind not happy with situation (jealosuy?) - i think this is a big factor and would explain sudden change

d) Mis-intrepeted her seriousness

e) Or her ex is back on the scene/she is missing her ex?

 

There was a lot of attraction - so im very confused, but maybe too much? Obviuosly theres lot of factors goin on, so ehat should i do? I was thinking of speaking to the mutual friend first of all to find out if she has said anything?

 

to me she was just boosting her ego and you satisfied it. I've dated many women online who then went right back online after our date.. we even later decided to have sex.

 

she's probably using you to get over her EX, or just using you. The most important point here is she got to you. Don't be used by her. Personally I'd just write her off now. 1 date almost doesn't deserve a post. She's probably very attractive, but a good lesson here if you attracted one hot women, you will attract another one. Then let her know about that if decide to keep in contact.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thanks for all the replies so far.

 

Just a quick update - she replied in a very non commital way at the end of the working day (5pm) approx 6 hours later. Basically saying shes ok, and that she also "met up" with the mutual friend on sunday. nothing else, didnt ask how I was doing etc.

 

Just out of interest Sunday Evening is when things started to go all wrong, so should i assume the mutual freind has said something in the afternoon?

 

bluenightowl - true it was just one date, and i shouldnt get too hung up. My issue is even on sunday morning the texts sounded very keen from her. So i think it was me that messed up somewhere in combination with the other factors such as the freind?

[Easyguy14]

Hi guys, ive got a complicated problem that i could really do with some insight with!

 

Got talking really nice girl online couple of weeks ago, exchanged few texts & phone calls for about a week, she made a lot of effort to communicate, and would often ring out the blue etc.

 

Arranged for our first date for last sat night. However the night before date, she wanted to add me to Facebook, and i noticed we shared a mutual female friend, someone I get one really well with, as does she - they're actully very close freinds in fact. I did think this may have a been an issue but then kinda forgot about it. This mutual friend may also 'possibly' kinda likes me (...a little!), I could be totally wrong tho, as weve been "just freinds" for over four years and neither of us really showed proper signs ofinterest if you know what i mean.

 

Anyway date was awesome, as good as ive had, lots of flirting, teasing joking etc. We also both got quite drunk mind you! But anyway there was lots & lots of touching and we ended up kissing at end of the night as i was walking her back. As dates go it was a 9.5/10!

 

She is definately a fun girl, but she did also say during date she is looking for all the serious things - i.e. marraige, kids eventually etc. So am i to be honest , but wanted it to be a fun date, so didnt come on to serious with her.

 

And because I played it very kool during date i believe it helped her attraction to me. During the date she mentioned that she wanted to meet following day for lunch date, but i kinda had other plans...but i could have easliy cancelled these plans, I wanted to play it kool and not seem too availible - very stupid now in hindsight!

 

As we walked back she even said "what do you think about you and me then?" i.e. relationship, so i know she she was def interested in me.

 

We exchanged few more texts on sunday. She text me in the morning asked if I had a good time at date, i said yeah in a joking way. Sent her another text sun night asking about how her day was. Ended up sending a reply asking her to send me a pic of her modelling a new dress she'd bought. I may have pushed it with that text perhaps as there was no reply to this text??

 

Same night she posted messages on her facebook status that seem to be about her ex/when your missing someone..."Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen each other or the amount of time since you've talked. ...."

 

And then yesterday she seemed to vanish from my facebook totally (she either blocked me or disabled her account - i think disabled to be honest...dont ask how i know lol) I should also point out her ex was total control freak, she broke up with him about 2-3 months ago and think im the first guys shes been on a date with since. He continues to hassle her i think.

 

I text her again this morning - just asking how shes doing and apologised that ive been too busy to call her last few days (kinda true), and mentioned that i accidently bumped into the mutual friend (which i did, but couldnt speak to her). Theres been no reply to this.

 

So i dont know if the sudden loss of interest was due to:

a) My last text (the dress)? Being too sexual perhaps?

b) Her regretting flirting heavily/kissing on first date whilst drunk?

c) The mutual freind not happy with situation (jealosuy?) - i think this is a big factor and would explain sudden change

d) Mis-intrepeted her seriousness

e) Or her ex is back on the scene/she is missing her ex?

 

There was a lot of attraction - so im very confused, but maybe too much? Obviuosly theres lot of factors goin on, so ehat should i do? I was thinking of speaking to the mutual friend first of all to find out if she has said anything?

 

my guess is that she used you to feel sexy again, enjoyed your company, then went back to the ex or another guy. boy, the games women play....

[Easyguy14]

Thanks for all the replies so far.

 

Just a quick update - she replied in a very non commital way at the end of the working day (5pm) approx 6 hours later. Basically saying shes ok, and that she also "met up" with the mutual friend on sunday. nothing else, didnt ask how I was doing etc.

 

Just out of interest Sunday Evening is when things started to go all wrong, so should i assume the mutual freind has said something in the afternoon?

 

bluenightowl - true it was just one date, and i shouldnt get too hung up. My issue is even on sunday morning the texts sounded very keen from her. So i think it was me that messed up somewhere in combination with the other factors such as the freind?

 

also, when there's a friend involved, they have the greatest influence on their decisions during the attempted courting process. its a shame most of them cant think for themselves.

[DeadlyAvenger]

...just to add that it was sunday evening when it went south. I think my "dress" text really didnt help - should i apologise for that?

[spiderowl]

Can't really speak for her, of course, and only she knows why she's out of contact like that. There are a few things that would have put me off:

 

a) My last text (the dress)? Being too sexual perhaps?

Definitely offputting for a serious girl. She'll be thinking "is that all he cares about?"

 

You not taking her seriously and coming up with some expression of real interest in her as a person.

 

You not being available when she took the risk of suggesting a meeting next day. I know you might not have been able to help it, but if she's considering you, this new guy, as compared with her ex, then she'll want to feel you are warm, caring and very interested.

 

Not being in touch regularly is a big red flag to me (and I suspect other women). I know guys think they need to play it cool, and no-one wants a stalker, but genuine interest and fun, friendly contact is much appreciated and noticed.

 

Who knows what's happened though. Only thing I can say is that next time you think about showing a definite interest in her and setting up the next date before she leaves.

[carhill]

Next time don't get drunk on a first date. In fact, experiment with not drinking (alcohol) or using mind altering substances at all. I know, boring as hell. Just try it, one time.

 

Women aren't really that complicated if they like you, presuming they are healthy psychologically. There's never any ambiguity.

 

Rather than analyze her actions, enjoy the attention of a woman who likes you.

[snug.bunny]

She could have gone back to her ex (sounds like her breakup with him was fairly recent), she could have interpreted your "casual" behavior (I.e. her asking you about another date, your lack of response; her asking you your thoughts on "you and her" and you seeming non-responsive; and/or the mutual friend told her something that "put her off").

 

It's hard to say for sure, especially since you've only gone out once and given she hasn't really said or done anything that would indicate what she may be thinking. Deleting someone your dating (I.e. Facebook) so quickly like that without there being some kind of argument or break up of some sort, not sure. Seems pretty drastic after just one date. Unless, she just views you as someone she went out with once, and had no further interest in seeing/talking to again.

[DeadlyAvenger]

So should I apologize for the stupid text? The morre I think about it the more I think it was the trigger. Please let me know your thoughts ASAP.

 

P.s. She didn't delete me off facebook, she either blocked me or disabled her whole account. But I can see her again now. Actually thinking about she did that sun night/mon morning, and I could see her again after I text her the 'nice' text this morning - coincidence?

[snug.bunny]

I don't view your text about modelling her dress as wildly inappropriate, it's not as though you asked her to model naked or something. Do you honestly think, that one comment alone, would push her "over the edge" like that?

[Easyguy14]

So should I apologize for the stupid text? The morre I think about it the more I think it was the trigger. Please let me know your thoughts ASAP.

 

P.s. She didn't delete me off facebook, she either blocked me or disabled her whole account. But I can see her again now. Actually thinking about she did that sun night/mon morning, and I could see her again after I text her the 'nice' text this morning - coincidence?

 

follow your instincts. the facebook thing was probably just her disabling her account, nothing more. but from the lukewarm responses she's given you, sounds like she's moved on to another target.

[spiderowl]

Removing the profile could have been a temporary thing and nothing to do with you. If it happens again or she goes out of touch completely again, then forget her, she's just weird!

 

As for the dress comment, it depends on what else happened. If you spent the evening making comments of whatever kind that implied that your focus was on looks and her body, then she might find that offputting, especially if she's trying to relate to you as a friend and possible partner. Some guys do this sexual come-on all the time, leaving no room for getting to know the person. It's something to think about anyway - only you know whether you might have overdone it.

 

If you are interested in her, you need to show it somehow. She might have felt you were much too casual and not remotely interested in an emotional relationship only a physical one. If that's the case, then you need to show her you find her an interesting person and would like to see her again. I'd forget the dress text unless she brings that up and see whether she'd like to meet again. If she says no, then you've lost face a bit I suppose, but at least you've had the guts to try. That alone does impress a woman.

[Imajerk17]

My money is on the ex reappearing.

 

I don't think the "dress modeling" text was over the top. Nor do I think you ought to be canceling plans the next day to see each other. If you did, you'd be on here wondering why she got sick of you so fast.

 

Why don't you ask your mutual friend what's up? Or better yet, call the girl in question and say you want to see her again.

[sagetalk]

...just to add that it was sunday evening when it went south. I think my "dress" text really didnt help - should i apologise for that?

 

No, you should apologize to yourself for wanting to apologize. Date girls that act like they like you and don't flake out. It's a crazy concept, but it usually works well. A flakey girl almost always means either

 

A.) Another guy is in the picture

B. She isn't attracted to you that way

 

Either is bad for your self esteem. Let it go.

[Zaphod B]

I'm guessing it has something to do with the ex too or there is some other guy she likes more.

Edited August 2, 2011 by Zaphod B

[Imajerk17]

I'll say more...

 

--Asking her to send you pictures of her in the dress, after the first date that you had and the texts she sent you after, fits. It is definitely no "worse" than her asking you all of those questions about where you and she stand, after one date.

 

--When she wrote her last update about missing someone, who could it have been? If it was you, then that text certainly would have been welcome. If it was about her ex, then that says it all. She probably realized that she isn't ready to date.

 

--Be careful about the advice you get on here. Some of the females give great perspective, others, not so much. A mature woman wouldn't be diving headfirst into things. Some of the women on here, well, they do. So don't listen to anyone who tells you that you should have met her for lunch the next day. You have every right to enjoy the date and wait a bit to see her again.

 

--Be VERY careful about women who aren't over their ex, ESPECIALLY if he was abusive or a control freak or whatever. Those women are "damaged goods". I mean, why did she go for him in the first place? On some level they are drama queens and you don't have time for that. Again, there are several of them on LS.

[sagetalk]

 

--Be VERY careful about women who aren't over their ex, ESPECIALLY if he was abusive or a control freak or whatever. Those women are "damaged goods". I mean, why did she go for him in the first place? On some level they are drama queens and you don't have time for that. Again, there are several of them on LS.

 

If they even mention their ex is in their life it's almost always bad news. I think this guy got off pretty easy, and should be extremely thankful it didn't end up much worse.

[thatone]

i don't get it.

 

if you were that attracted to her and she asked you to do something the next day, why would you say no?

 

if she was asking you what you thought of her after that why would you joke about it? you should've told her what you told us.

 

and yeah, the request for a dress pic was inappropriate. but the damage is done it's too late now.

 

adding to the comment above about most people on this site being jaded and generally paranoid, i agree. but i don't agree with everything they're telling you. if you're attracted to her and she's displaying that she is attracted to you, wtf are you waiting on?

 

again, i'll point out a point i made in another thread earlier. you were so worried about playing by the game plan you had set aside that you were completely stumped by her being confident enough to say that she was attracted to you. let go of the gameplan, observe and react .

[DeadlyAvenger]

Ok quick update...

 

Very early on wed morning (5th aug) i txt and apologised for the dress text (big mistake) and also for being distant/playing it too cool during date (another big mistake!) and mentioned that it was really nice meeting her an that it would be really good to see her again (yup...possibly another mistake)

 

Definately wish i never sent that text!

 

(Imajerk17 - i have to agree with you, whenever ive gotten advice about women from women its "always" backfired - but thats a whole new thread for another time. )

 

She replied later that day and in reference to the apology about the dress text. She was like "what are you talking about?!" She wasnt offended in the slightest. But she did say it was really nice meeting me too and she would like to see me again too (with an 'x 'after text)

 

Called her later up same night, just to have a general chat, she did mentioned that apology text, i tried to brush it off. I asked what she was up to weekend,but she was cagey, and i'll let you know kinda thing if im free

 

(Incidentlly guess i sounded ever so slighly less confident on the phone than previous calls, guess i acted different cus id met her and realised i like her!)

 

Anyway we chatted on fb that same name night (yes i know! but she initiated the conversation), all seemed to be forgotten, it was real nice flirty and funny conversation, she mentioned the date and the fact we both had a lot of fun and she also bought up the kiss, mentioned how that im a good kisser etc. I ended the conversation on a high.

 

Anyway things seemed to be back on track after that, but sent a "hey how u doing" kinda text following night, she replied straight away, then i mentioned her "sad smily" stautus on fb, she didnt reply and then she vanshed from fb again! (im not too bothered about her random fb behaviour to be honest, more the txt responses and general flakiness)

 

Sent a joke txt (lots of sexual inneundo) on friday afternoon, no response but wasnt expecting one. And yesterday lunchtime (sun 7th) asked how she was and how her weekend was going, no reply to this.

 

Im guessing she's meeting other guys, shes fairly new to internet dating and I know she's logging onto to the dating site we met on, so guess she wants to play the field. Guess its not helped by me going from playing it too kool to being too needy/availible!

 

Any suggestions how to salvage this? Obviously i'll back off and wait for her to get in touch now. And if/when she does get back in touch how should i respond?