Jono_11 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hello Everyone, here goes ... Met my wife 13years ago via the Internet those years the chat sites were buzzing and that is how we eventually had the courage to meet up in person on a date and from there onwards it was truly magical. we dated a long time till we got married as i felt i needed to be ready for it both emotionally and financially. After being married we enjoyed each other for just over a year and then had a child. She is now 3years old soon to be 4 and she is precious, and truly a beautiful angel. Those of you who are parents would know what i'm talking about. Fast forward to now and the situation between the wife and i has turned full circle and our marriage has hit rock bottom. Over the past few years we tended to drift apart from each other without realizing it until it's too late. There is pressure from work, chores at home , looking after our child , all the modern day stresses leave little time to spend with each other and when we do it's not that quality time that it should be. I noticed that my wife started to withdraw emotionally from me and thought something was amiss. One day i got home from work and left my laptop at the office and asked the wife to use hers and she went off to shower. Her mistake was leaving her email open and i noticed a name which was unfamiliar to me. I read the email , it was some flirty message to a guy. This came as a big shock to me as i never ever thought my wife would be capable of doing such a thing. (emotional affair) I am in the IT industry so easy for me to investigate further and see to what extent this so called "friendship" was all about. It reminded me of when we first met , the chats , the SMS's and the flirtations ...the problem now was my wife, a married woman was doing it with another man outside of our marriage. Anyway i naturally felt angry and hurt by this bahavior and confronted my wife about this "friendship" She maintained they were just "friends" however friends in my opinion do not go and message each other 37 times on Valentines day, there was also xmas day when we with the family she thinking of this other guy. So from the confrontation my wife has a stress breakdown and was admitted to a stress clinic for 2 weeks. I went to see her everyday and when she came out 2 days later she left the house with our child and didn't come back. She staying with her folks and this has been since 4 months ago. At first i was devastated , this seriously knocked me out of my comfort zone. I had to come home to an empty house, cook and clean and keep myself company! This was not a good time and experienced a few "lows" could'nt sleep , didn't feel like eating. Luckily i have some awesome mates and they rallied around me for support and encouraged me to "get out there" I have since done exactly that and also got used to being alone at home. I am busy these days going out with friends, i joined a support group, going to gym , meet up with runners at the running club so really active and busy. My wife in the meantime from what i can tell is continuing "chatting" to this other guy. I did ask her a while ago to decide whether she wanted to remain in the marriage or get out and get a divorce ...she couldn't answer me so dunno what to think about ...all i can say is that she may be keeping her options open. She is also seeing a therapist and taking meds for her depression so time will tell what happens from here. I have signed up for a divorce/separation course in 2 weeks time, it is for 13 weeks and this course prepares you for the Big D and the best part is that you doing it with others in similar situation so u can share experiences with each other and thus get that support and understanding that was not there before. I'm not saying my relationship will end in a Divorce but if it does then at least i want to be prepared for it and get some closure from 13years of knowing someone you still love but know that this person you love is in fact "in love" with someone else. I guess that hurt never goes away, it just softens over time. Anyway, i'll keep this thread open to update you all as to what the outcome will be ...If i do not hear back from my wife after the next 2 months which would be a total of 6 months that we living apart then sadly it means i need to make a decision and hopefully i will be ready to do that and have the knowledge by then to make an informed decision. To all of you going through a difficult time, just remember you are not alone... i leave you with this saying ... Give me the strength to change the things i can the courage to accept the things i cant and the wisdom to know the difference
AudentesFortuna Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I have barely been in this forum for two months but it's so sad to see this story that keeps repeating itself over and over again. Same things is happening with me (without kids though) so I do know how you are feeling. I am probably not as qualified as others to speak too much but as long as she continues talking to this other man, it's over. Take care of yourself (which you are already doing!) and file for divorce. See if that snaps her out of it, but it probably won't. Good luck!
andyg99 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 she left with your daughter?? I hope you have some sort of visitation agreement... she had no right to take your daughter!!! Also I'm sure that there is more than chatting going on...
Tech_E Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Yet another textbook story. I feel awful for you, but it seems to me that you are handling things reasonably well. As andyg99 points out I certainly hope you have full visitation to your child. If you haven't already you should work out the terms of the seperation and perhaps even get a seperation agreement in place. This is as much to protect your child as it is to protect you. Hang in there.
Author Jono_11 Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) she left with your daughter?? I hope you have some sort of visitation agreement... she had no right to take your daughter!!! Also I'm sure that there is more than chatting going on... Yes, we have a very informal agreement in place ...currently splitting time spent with the little one 50/50 although i don't have the luxury she does in terms of flexibility, i on the other have to be at work at 6am 2 days a week to work in the time i take off (2 afternoons ) so that i am able to spend the afternoon with my child. I am a very involved father so i wouldn't want it any other way - having said that i had 100% before , waking up i would see my daughter and she would be there when i get home from work. Now i'm forced to only see her 50% of the time. The worst part of all this is that it is out of my control ! It's not ideal for the child either , her routine and stability is no longer there and going between 2 homes all the time can be confusing. She is going to something called "play therapy" at the moment. It really hurts when you hear your 3 year old ask you why is Mommy not with us or is Mommy coming with us when we going to an outing or event.I hear from my mother in law that my little one asks why i am not there with Mom so it is a difficult situation to be in! I cant sit her down and explain what is happening, she is still too young to understand it all. what long term effects this will have on our child i cannot tell you, but i can tell you that i will try my best to minimize it for her at all cost. As for the more than "chatting" going on, i have yet to get evidence to suggest anything physical taking place. For now it seems that the other guy was to her to be her exit plan out of the marriage but she did not bank on him not reciprocating affection but from what i could see he is a "player" whereas sadly my wife was the pursuer , she has the hots for this guy whereas he see's her more as a "friend" otherwise i think they would have been an item a long time ago. Still he engaged her in conversation even tho he knew she was married so he is far from innocent. Edited August 2, 2011 by Jono_11
andyg99 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 comments below in BOLD Now i'm forced to only see her 50% of the time. The worst part of all this is that it is out of my control ! It's not ideal for the child either , her routine and stability is no longer there and going between 2 homes all the time can be confusing. She is going to something called "play therapy" at the moment. It really hurts when you hear your 3 year old ask you why is Mommy not with us or is Mommy coming with us when we going to an outing or event.I hear from my mother in law that my little one asks why i am not there with Mom so it is a difficult situation to be in! I cant sit her down and explain what is happening, she is still too young to understand it all. what long term effects this will have on our child i cannot tell you, but i can tell you that i will try my best to minimize it for her at all cost. that is hard, I went through it years ago and many are going through this now... it's not easy but the best thing to do is to get beyond the "this isn't fair" feeling to accepting that it's your childs reality now that mom and dad are not together As for the more than "chatting" going on, i have yet to get evidence to suggest anything physical taking place. For now it seems that the other guy was to her to be her exit plan out of the marriage but she did not bank on him not reciprocating affection but from what i could see he is a "player" whereas sadly my wife was the pursuer , she has the hots for this guy whereas he see's her more as a "friend" otherwise i think they would have been an item a long time ago. Still he engaged her in conversation even tho he knew she was married so he is far from innocent it's possible that nothing physical has gone on but highly unlikely, prepare yourself for the worse on this... .
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