clvsj Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and living together for over 2. As a little bit of a background-I used to tell him I loved him on a pretty normal basis. I noticed that he would always say it back but would never say it on his own. I quit telling him I loved him because I felt like I was putting him on the spot and that he was just saying it for sake of not making things uncomfortable. He used to tell me that he was scared of the L word because of his 2 disasterous marriages before we started dating. Well, after 3 years, I'm having a hard time understanding how he could still be scared. I think that it's important to express how I feel to people and for people to know what you're thinking. Life can happen at any moment and I don't want there to ever be any questions about what my feelings or thoughts are. It had been bothering me that I hadn't told him I loved him in a long time. Last night I told him that I loved him and he just stared at me. There are some family health problems going on with his side of the family and I know that he's thinking about that a lot lately. Is that enough distraction for someone to go completely blank when they are told I love you? He has no problems saying I love you to other family members, and is always the first one between him and his old high school friend to say I love you... I feel like last night should be my sign that this relationship isn't really built on what I thought it was and maybe it's time for me to rethink what I'm doing here. It's hard to stick around in a relationship if the one you love can't express it back. It makes me feel like I'm not really making a difference in this relationship and he's just with me because I help pay the bills and keep his house clean. Oh, and yes, I have told him my feelings and expressed all of this to him. In fact, it's kind of been the total underlying issue in our relationship since last July. Am I just insecure for thinking that I love you in a relationship is important? It's bad enough he won't say it to me on his own...now he won't even reciprocate it...
sm1tten Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I tend to think the words are not as important as the actions, but it sounds like you might not be getting either. Some people place a lot of importance in saying those words - as though saying it makes it more "real" and therefore more likely to fail. They can pretend that they don't so long as they don't verbalise it. It's much easier to tell your family or your friend that you love them because the expectation in his case is that it'll always be reciprocated. Because of his past, perhaps he is not as certain when it comes to romantic attachments. That may have nothing to do with YOU as a girlfriend. Can't really answer as to why he "blanked" on you. Could be stress. Could be that he didn't want to say it for other reasons. You seem as though you don't feel loved and that is an issue, clearly. Some people need to hear it, others, can simply be shown. Still others want and need both. If it's really highly important to you and he still can't or won't express his emotion for you in a way that you can feel, appreciate, and understand, then I don't know how you can stay in this relationship. (I'm not telling you to break up with him.)
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