2sunny Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He didn't come clean with me in the beginning about the extent of their relationship. He only addressed the things I found like his cell phone records originally. I told him then that the phone contact had to stop and he told her to stop calling/texting him. However since I was not aware of them eating together at work daily and didn't tell him to stop that he continued. I know he should have cut everything out to begin with and he knows that too. Guess he figued he would maintain contact with her however he could since that was easier than breaking all ties. But it made the hurt much worse for me because he knew how I felt about her and the relationship and he did it anyway. That is the part I am struggling with now, trying to forgive. how and what is to forgive if your H hasn't allowed you what is to forgive - what has ACTUALLY happened - and what to trust? you have no trust = no marriage. no basis which to work from because he continues to hide information from you. he is/was thinking more about his OW than he was thinking of you... he ACTS LIKE he still is! that alone makes it LOOK like he's still cheating - even IF he isn't! i'd have NO patience with that behavior. he's proving YOU are NOT his priority! he'd be out TODAY! that would be MY boundary! who cares if he has no place to go? he should have been worrying about that when he was doing all these sweet things for his OW - when he could have been spending THAT time and energy on you - but he wasn't! stop going to lunch with him - and don't answer his calls. change the locks on the door and tell him he's not coming home until he comes clean and does the work on himself that's necessary - that includes getting rid of his huge sense of entitlement... that entitlement that makes HIM feel better while it makes YOU feel bad. that is BS! hiding info would be cause for me to cut him out of my life (and i did). since he's NOT showing loving behavior to YOU - by words matching all actions - and ACTIONS showing he is willing to do anything and everything to show he is trustworthy = you have nothing. he has given you NO evidence that you can trust him. it's all been on him to DO this for you - since HE caused it. and he's not doing the work he needs to do. he's had no REAL consequences. you deserve better - you need to act as if you believe that.
2sunny Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He didn't come clean with me in the beginning about the extent of their relationship. He only addressed the things I found like his cell phone records originally. I told him then that the phone contact had to stop and he told her to stop calling/texting him. However since I was not aware of them eating together at work daily and didn't tell him to stop that he continued. I know he should have cut everything out to begin with and he knows that too. Guess he figued he would maintain contact with her however he could since that was easier than breaking all ties. But it made the hurt much worse for me because he knew how I felt about her and the relationship and he did it anyway. That is the part I am struggling with now, trying to forgive. so we've heard all about his bad behavior - what are you planning to DO about it? i can guarantee you - he thinks you are gonna do NOTHING! so do things he's not expecting. be strong!
Spark1111 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 He didn't come clean with me in the beginning about the extent of their relationship. He only addressed the things I found like his cell phone records originally. I told him then that the phone contact had to stop and he told her to stop calling/texting him. However since I was not aware of them eating together at work daily and didn't tell him to stop that he continued. I know he should have cut everything out to begin with and he knows that too. Guess he figued he would maintain contact with her however he could since that was easier than breaking all ties. But it made the hurt much worse for me because he knew how I felt about her and the relationship and he did it anyway. That is the part I am struggling with now, trying to forgive. Ahh, so the contact continued....and that, while normal in de-fogging from an affair, is oh so painful. Every time I snooped and found continued contact, I threw him out and told him to go be with his "soulmate," as he obviously desired her companionship over mine. He initiated NC three months later when I refused to ride this rollercoaster. It was too painful and I refused to be anyone's default choice. I told him, unequivocally, if there was intentional or accidental contact, and HE did not tell me immediately, I was gone. I clearly and calmly stated my deal breakers and was prepared to enact them. So, I understand how the aftermath can be more painful than the first discovery, especially if they still try to deceive you while begging reconciliation. This IS something you have the need to speak of, whether he grows angry or not. You may not get the answers you want or expect, but he still needs to listen to you and answer your questions. Good luck.
Author mv6458 Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 Ahh, so the contact continued....and that, while normal in de-fogging from an affair, is oh so painful. Every time I snooped and found continued contact, I threw him out and told him to go be with his "soulmate," as he obviously desired her companionship over mine. He initiated NC three months later when I refused to ride this rollercoaster. It was too painful and I refused to be anyone's default choice. I told him, unequivocally, if there was intentional or accidental contact, and HE did not tell me immediately, I was gone. I clearly and calmly stated my deal breakers and was prepared to enact them. So, I understand how the aftermath can be more painful than the first discovery, especially if they still try to deceive you while begging reconciliation. This IS something you have the need to speak of, whether he grows angry or not. You may not get the answers you want or expect, but he still needs to listen to you and answer your questions. Good luck. Great advice! Thanks. I haven't found any other evidence of contact between them by phone or email or anything since June when I left him for ten days. So maybe this is the way to make him understand I am firm about my boundaries. You have empowered me! And I am going to continue seeing the thearpist so I can talk about my feelings without getting his typical response and hopefully he will get out of the "fog" and stop being so defensive. If not he is going to push me away for good! Thanks again for giving me hope.
Minnie09 Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 Ahh, so the contact continued....and that, while normal in de-fogging from an affair, is oh so painful. Every time I snooped and found continued contact, I threw him out and told him to go be with his "soulmate," Good luck. Question: How do you throw someone out when a house is in both spouses' names? I tried that, too, but he refused to leave and I was made aware that it was illegal to change the locks. The above is a great step towards giving thw WS a reality check, but you can't follow through if there's no restraining order or anything in place. I ended up moving out with kiddo for that very reason, plus I wouldn't have been able to afford the house on my own anyhow. So: did you just put his stuff on the front porch and he took it with him? And did you change the locks? Sorry, OT but I'm curious. Maybe in some stares it's not illegal.
girlfromipanema Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) I haven't read all of the responses, so please forgive if already mentioned, but go out today and purchase the book, "Not Just Friends". I thought my H had a brief emotional affair with a co-worker, and when I confronted him he took it underground and ended up have a very long-term physical and emotional affair. Wishing you the best possible outcome, sweetie. Edited August 7, 2011 by girlfromipanema typo
Author mv6458 Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Question: How do you throw someone out when a house is in both spouses' names? I tried that, too, but he refused to leave and I was made aware that it was illegal to change the locks. The above is a great step towards giving thw WS a reality check, but you can't follow through if there's no restraining order or anything in place. I ended up moving out with kiddo for that very reason, plus I wouldn't have been able to afford the house on my own anyhow. So: did you just put his stuff on the front porch and he took it with him? And did you change the locks? Sorry, OT but I'm curious. Maybe in some stares it's not illegal. I have the same problem in my state so I could not just throw him out. I ended up leaving with the kids because of it. It's not an easy process according to my attorney and I didn't want to deal with that at the same time I was trying to deal with the discovery of his EA so it was just easier for me to leave.
Author mv6458 Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 I haven't read all of the responses, so please forgive if already mentioned, but go out today and purchase the book, "Not Just Friends". I thought my H had a brief emotional affair with a co-worker, and when I confronted him he took it underground and ended up have a very long-term physical and emotional affair. Wishing you the best possible outcome, sweetie. Thanks for the well wishes and sorry about your experience. I'm curious, how did you disoover once he began the underground affair? I do worry about that, but realize I can't stop him from doing it. I know I am taking a chance giving him a second chance and it is up to him what he does with it. But I am prepared to divorce him if I discover any more deception and he knows that.
1956peace Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 You have to get proof of the affair and then confront your husband and give him an ultimatum.....the affair or your marriage, if he won't leave the job to have NC then you expose the affair to everyone that is closest to him.......expose to OW's family and friends as well........work place and all........ Put a phone tap on his phone, keylogger on this computer.....VAR in his car, P.I. If he says No, then ask him to leave, go to your lawyer and start a separation agreement you can present him with............ Show him that this has to stop or the marriage will not survive.... The best way to stop an affair is to put it out in the open for everyone to see...... Are you willing to live the way you are for the rest of your life? ......... Don't tell your husband about the snooping, or the exposure, he will be mad so what he will get over it. You can survive him being mad not being involved with another woman. Then you work on filling each other's needs and figure out why your husband crossed this boundary while he is married....... Don't believe what he says right now, he is emotionally involved and is in affair fogland......look up affair fog babble.......... classic, they all read from the same script
Author mv6458 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 You have to get proof of the affair and then confront your husband and give him an ultimatum.....the affair or your marriage, if he won't leave the job to have NC then you expose the affair to everyone that is closest to him.......expose to OW's family and friends as well........work place and all........ Put a phone tap on his phone, keylogger on this computer.....VAR in his car, P.I. If he says No, then ask him to leave, go to your lawyer and start a separation agreement you can present him with............ Show him that this has to stop or the marriage will not survive.... The best way to stop an affair is to put it out in the open for everyone to see...... Are you willing to live the way you are for the rest of your life? ......... Don't tell your husband about the snooping, or the exposure, he will be mad so what he will get over it. You can survive him being mad not being involved with another woman. Then you work on filling each other's needs and figure out why your husband crossed this boundary while he is married....... Don't believe what he says right now, he is emotionally involved and is in affair fogland......look up affair fog babble.......... classic, they all read from the same script Thanks 1956peace! I have done all of these things except the phone tap and VAR on his vehicle. I exposed the EA to his family and friends and coworkers and I made sure his supervisor was included too. And you're right, he was mad. He is getting over that now and I can tell he is coming out of the fog. Now I am trying to get to the root of the problem in our marriage that led to this initially. But I am happy to report that we are progressing well. And just a few months ago I would have never thought we could get to the point we're at now. However I am still snooping every day and keeping cautiously optomistic about him not continuing his contact with her. Thanks again for the advice. Every bit of insight I am offered is helping me greatly!
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