husband's EA with coworker

[mv6458]

I have been dealing with my husband having an emotional affair with a coworker since February. Initially I was angry, an emotional wreck and very confused as to why this happened. We have been married 14 years, have two children, financial stability, own our home, have good jobs and I thought a great marriage. There were some red flags I should have noticed much sooner, but I had no reason to distrust him so I didn't even notice. Since the initial revelation I have found out many more details about the extent of the EA but not from my husband. He refuses to talk about it. I have been talking with a therapist for my own sanity since he won't talk to me about it and he got upset about that and told me he didn't want me to go back. He says he loves me and he's sorry, but he does not see it as cheating. In his mind he has not done anything wrong because there was no physical contact (or so he says.) I am getting better at dealing with my emotions and refuse to let this consume me. I realize there are things both of us need to work on in order to make our marriage work and I am committed to that. However I am struggling with the fact he still works with her and comes in contact with her due to being at the same job. Financially we cannot afford for him to quit, so I am trying not to be the crazy jealous wife. But I have made it clear to him they cannot continue contact with each other. He says he told her that but she has not respected it because I have seen calls or texts from her since. I have not had any contact with her since the discovery and I do not intend to. I don't want to make a bad situation worse at work for him by drawing attention to this. What I am struggling with the most is the way he reacts when I try to discuss my feelings with him. He seems angry at me and I do not understand why. Is this a normal reaction? If so how do I help him to stop being so defensive and open up?

[reboot]

Yes, anger is the normal reaction of a cheater. You are peeing in his cereal.

 

Yes, he's been cheating, whether it was physical or not (and don't rule that out).

 

What's more important, your finances or your marriage? All contact between them needs to stop immediately, by whatever means necessary. That or show him the door. Consider exposing them at their workplace. Fight or get out, don't live your life as a doormat.

 

What right does HE have to be angry? Think about that.

[Jennifer26]

What is the extent of the EA and what have you found?

[Spark1111]

Start saving and printing our all their communications before he erases them. Keep them in a safe place for now.

 

Call her up. At work, where she cannot dodge your call. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, everything you have just told this forum.

 

Tell her YOUR H said that SHE refuses to stop contact.

 

Tell her, if it does not stop, you will notify her superiors that she is continuing to have constant communication with a MM.

 

She will then know: A) YOUR H blamed her for the continued communication, and B) there will be consequences for it continuing.

 

Then call your H at work and tell him you love him and will do anything to save this marriage so you called her and told her to stay away. Be prepared for his reaction. Then call her SO? H? and let him know that this has to stop. It is inappropriate and they both could be at risk for losing their jobs.

 

Your H is angry cause this EA makes him feel special. Who knows why?

 

He feels you are acting like the mean mommy in making him give it up. Saying, "we're just friends," is the weakest and most common statement used for justification.

 

But ANYTHING that takes time and emotional investment away from the spouse is just plain destructive to a marriage.

 

And EAs can go on for years because the parties involved delusionally believe they are "innocent" since no one has touched each other...yet. But they can be more erosive to a marriage than an actual physical affair.

 

Lay low, get your evidence in order, and make that call.

 

After the fallout, have a marriage counseling session scheduled and insist he go, or else it is over.

 

YOU have to have some firm boundaries in place here; what you will and will not tolerate in a marriage. YOU have to be prepared to take a firm stand and if he cannot abide, well, there is the door.

 

Think about it: How DISRESPECTFUL of you and the marriage to spend countless hours chatting and emailing another woman.

 

You deserve better. Good luck.

[mv6458]

Thanks to all of you for the advice. Here is some background on his EA. He has worked at this place for 10 years, but she hasn't been there that long. Since she started working there I know she has had the same problem with other married men at the office & my husband would say she was a sleeze. Back in October he started getting distant and disinterested in our family & I tried to get him to talk to me. He told me he felt like we were growing apart but couldn't explain why. I asked him then if there was someone else and he said no. He was going through some major stress at work due to the company downsizing. So I just figured he was stressed about that. And I will be the first to admit I would tell him to stop stressing over things he can't change and just be thankful he still has a job. I should have been a better listener! But that certainly did not give him any right to start confiding in another woman; which is exactly what he did. They started having short phone conversations a few times a day. That turned into a few texts back and forth a day. Then it progressed to the point they were talking to each other 45 minutes at a time and texting more frequently. He was in contact with her on their days off, holidays and important dates in our lives (childrens' birthdays, anniversary, etc.) I discovered all of this in February. And I have to say most of the contact was initiated by her according to his phone records. (I have them!) But he did contact her on occasion too. He told me they went to lunch with other coworkers a couple times but never by themselves. I told him then I could not accept them having any type of relationship and he needed to tell her to stop contacting him. He says he told her to stop calling and texting him. The contact did slow down but she did not stop. Then an unavailable number started showing up on the phone records. (Guess they think I am stupid!) So I told him if I found out they were still in contact I would leave him. In June I found out they were still having breakfast and lunch together. He was going in to work early (after I was already gone to work) and picking up food and taking it to her multiple times a week. SO I LEFT HIM! After being apart for ten days he seemed to really be making an effort to make it right with me and the kids. We moved back into the house and things have been better since. But I try to talk with him about it sometimes in a calm manner and he always gets mad and yells and tells me I am pushing him away by bringing it up. I have unanswered questions that are driving me crazy about what went wrong with us that lead to this. How can we progress if we don't work on the underlying problem? I'm not accusing or attacking him by doing this, I am simply looking for answers. I just keep thinking he will realize where I am coming from and he will open up to me. But so far that has not happened.

[mv6458]

this is very true...it makes me feel really sad when i think of how much time he spent online with this woman...time that he should have been spending with me and his children.

 

But having a family can be stressful, boring and even routine ... I guess the "online relationship" that was all carefree and fun with no responsibilities had a certain attraction to it ( sarcasm IS intended)

 

 

You need to have him hear and acknowledge your feelings about his actions... even if he does not agree, your feelings are valid and he needs to acknowledge them and understand them, even if he does not agree with them.

 

I completely understand your feelings about all the time and effort he was putting into a relationship with the OW and not his family. It is devastating! And we just had the conversation yesterday about him acknowledging my feelings, even if he doesn't agree with them. He says he respects my feelings and he will try to listen to me when I need to talk instead of getting angry.

[Jennifer26]

That definitely sounds like he is having an EA at minimum. My guess is that this hasn't stopped, he's just gotten better at hiding it. My advice to you would be to snoop as much as you can. Put a voice activated recorder in his vehicle, put a tracker on his cell phone. Find out as much as you can about how much and what they are talking about. Keep tabs on what he spends, look for charges that indicate he is dining out. Save all of the information you find to approach him with once you have enough to support evidence of his EA.

 

In the meantime, do what you can to try to make your marriage better. Plan some dates for the two of you. Listen and be supportive if this is something you were lacking in doing before. I highly recommend the marriage builders philosophies and one of them is that you need to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together giving each other undivided attention. This means no tv, no kids, no computer. Just you and him spending time on dates, outside of the house being the best option. However, this does not mean you ignore what is going on or in any way condone it. Don't argue with him about whether or not his friendship is appropriate or not. It is and he knows it, and most important it makes you uncomfortable and that is all that matters here.

 

I would stay off the topic of his friend for the time being while you try to restore the connection with your husband. If it comes up, sound like a broken record and repeat that you do not condone it. Period. You don't have to say anything more than that, or argue your feelings or why you want to protect your marriage. You are just opening the door for him to make you feel jealous and insecure and gas light you.

 

Do not tell him you are snooping.

 

When you feel you have enough evidence to support his EA you then give him the choice to ditch this woman and work with you on your marriage, or you give him the boot until he decides to do this. Look up marriage builders plan A and plan B.

[nyrias]

But having a family can be stressful, boring and even routine ... I guess the "online relationship" that was all carefree and fun with no responsibilities had a certain attraction to it ( sarcasm IS intended)

 

Well sarcasm intended or not .. it is true. Otherwise, why would so many be engaged in it even though they know about the risks?

[Mimolicious]

Thanks to all of you for the advice. Here is some background on his EA. He has worked at this place for 10 years, but she hasn't been there that long. Since she started working there I know she has had the same problem with other married men at the office & my husband would say she was a sleeze. Back in October he started getting distant and disinterested in our family & I tried to get him to talk to me. He told me he felt like we were growing apart but couldn't explain why. I asked him then if there was someone else and he said no. He was going through some major stress at work due to the company downsizing. So I just figured he was stressed about that. And I will be the first to admit I would tell him to stop stressing over things he can't change and just be thankful he still has a job. I should have been a better listener! But that certainly did not give him any right to start confiding in another woman; which is exactly what he did. They started having short phone conversations a few times a day. That turned into a few texts back and forth a day. Then it progressed to the point they were talking to each other 45 minutes at a time and texting more frequently. He was in contact with her on their days off, holidays and important dates in our lives (childrens' birthdays, anniversary, etc.) I discovered all of this in February. And I have to say most of the contact was initiated by her according to his phone records. (I have them!) But he did contact her on occasion too. He told me they went to lunch with other coworkers a couple times but never by themselves. I told him then I could not accept them having any type of relationship and he needed to tell her to stop contacting him. He says he told her to stop calling and texting him. The contact did slow down but she did not stop. Then an unavailable number started showing up on the phone records. (Guess they think I am stupid!) So I told him if I found out they were still in contact I would leave him. In June I found out they were still having breakfast and lunch together. He was going in to work early (after I was already gone to work) and picking up food and taking it to her multiple times a week. SO I LEFT HIM! After being apart for ten days he seemed to really be making an effort to make it right with me and the kids. We moved back into the house and things have been better since. But I try to talk with him about it sometimes in a calm manner and he always gets mad and yells and tells me I am pushing him away by bringing it up. I have unanswered questions that are driving me crazy about what went wrong with us that lead to this. How can we progress if we don't work on the underlying problem? I'm not accusing or attacking him by doing this, I am simply looking for answers. I just keep thinking he will realize where I am coming from and he will open up to me. But so far that has not happened.

 

 

Sounds like your H is using reversed pyschology on you. In reality, he is the one that has screwed up and should be the one making the effort to fix things and work on what your M may need. Doesn't sound like he is doing that. He's playing victim and telling you that you are "pushing him away". That's blame shifting. Him not wanting to talk to you about it, he's being dismissive of your feelings and concerns. Sounds like an egotistical dude.

"YELLING" at you? That is abuse. I hope this is not going on in front of your kids.

 

He made the effort to make it right when you were gone because he was tasting reality, no kids, no wife, no family. If now he is back to square one, then his acting worked! He got you back to where he wanted but still doesn't sound like he is really doing what it takes.

 

I know women like your OW. I had one of those! LOL! But she can text, call, email all she wants. Your H is at the receiving end. There is always the "delete", "ignore", "block" options. He doesn't want to. He's probably hasn't really told her the "situation" because he wants to continue to be "buddies".

 

MV baby, I know where you are coming from. I've been there. Your story sounds familiar, when my xH started boinking one of his "homegirls". Denied it to the core, refused to cut-off the friendship because nothing was going on. He wasn't going to allow me dictating who his friends were, blah blah blah... One thing lead to the other. Hey, did you noticed the "X" in front of that H? Yeah, he was having a R with his "homegirl". Now he calls her "Girlfriend" or whateverthefack.

 

Dont be naive. Your H is giving this "co-worker" a bit too much importance. Take action and be firm. Don't waste years of your life in such sham. He should be grateful for the 2nd change, not the other way around.

Edited August 2, 2011 by Mimolicious

[keepsmilin74]

I completely understand your feelings about all the time and effort he was putting into a relationship with the OW and not his family. It is devastating! And we just had the conversation yesterday about him acknowledging my feelings, even if he doesn't agree with them. He says he respects my feelings and he will try to listen to me when I need to talk instead of getting angry.

 

wow, for what it's worth, you are not alone! so many EA threads here, there may as well be a formula written reply of what you should do/read/etc. actually I basically reply the same thing to a few threads already see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3500017#post3500017

 

often they are angry and defensive cos they think they didn't take it physical so they did nothing wrong, this is what's so NASTY about EAs

[mv6458]

It certainly helps to hear your words of encouragement. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one in the relationship that cares if we survive this or not because of his defensiveness. I know he loves me and I love him but I know that we have to work on this together or we will not survive it. Yes he does still work with her and he is not the only coworker that she's had this type of fling with. So I look for her to move on to the next person now that she knows I am watching him really closely. (At least I hope that's what happens!) I tried writing a letter to him to set my boundaries because the thearpist told me to try that and he wasn't very receptive to the idea. But I haven't been keeping a journal of my thoughts or anything like that. I think I will give it a try! Thanks for the suggestion. I'm sorry that you too had to experience this but you are helping someone else by sharing your story. Maybe you can take comfort in that.

P.S. Do you remember a time span of how long it took before he was out of the "fog"?

[stillafool]

I think your husband is being defensive because it is still going on and he doesn't want it to stop because it makes him feel good. I swear don't OW have anything better going on in their lives than busting up marriages. If he has told the OW you are not happy with their relationship and she is still intent on having and EA with your husband you need to talk to her. If your husband doesn't like it ask him whose feelings are more important to him - yours or hers? I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't get a little physical (say kissing and such). It has been going on for a long time and he should have pulled away by now.

[2sunny]

I think your husband is being defensive because it is still going on and he doesn't want it to stop because it makes him feel good.

 

If he has told the OW you are not happy with their relationship and she is still intent on having and EA with your husband you need to talk to her.

 

If your husband doesn't like it ask him whose feelings are more important to him - yours or hers? I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't get a little physical (say kissing and such). It has been going on for a long time and he should have pulled away by now.

 

his defensiveness indicates he's guilty of something - something to be defensive about... cheating still? i think maybe.

 

have him call her! no need for you to do his dirty work! if he won't call - and STOP being defensive - LEAVE HIM! doesn't seem like he's willing to repair THE DAMAGE HE CAUSED! make him earn his way back - by PROVING to YOU that he's repairing it all! and that means getting angry at YOU for NOTHING! you didn't do this - HE did!

 

kick his a$$ out today! kick him out until he shows 200% proof that he wants to be with YOU... and is WILLING to DO anything and EVERYTHING to be with you!

 

unless he shows all his evidence and proof - do not allow him to have access to you or the house. he has suffered NO consequences for his bad behavior - so he just wants you to forget about it = that is simply not enough!

 

put a voice activated recorder in his car, office - get access to his email and tap into his cell phone - search his car for a secret phone... and watch every single dime he spends.

 

if he's not willing to give you COMPLETE transparency - he's not intending to repair anything. have him followed! or - leave on vacation and see what he's up to while you're away - hire a PI to trail him while you're gone.

 

have him take a lie detector test too! if he won't - he's guilty! he's not trustworthy... and he should be DOING things to earn your trust back - but it really looks like he's still cheating (and i do believe he had sex with her) - he just wants to make it go away - well guess what? it doesn't work that way.

 

since he's not being nice at all - and trying to put it on you - have him leave until he gets more honest and reasonable about what EXACTLY he's willing to do to repair that DAMAGE HE HAS DONE!

 

do not take responsibility for his bad behavior!

 

if OW has a H - call him asap - without warning your H.

 

call his HR dept too - he did this - he should OWN his behavior - or else he shouldn't have been doing it.

 

expose, expose, expose!!!

 

consequences may force him to get humble, honest and REAL about what he's been doing.

 

stop listening to HIM - he's given evidence he's a good liar!

 

and IF you think he didn't sleep with her... think again - what man goes to all that effort to woo a woman if he's not getting some action?

 

i don't see him making that kind of effort for you... he's still cheating BIG TIME.

[mv6458]

I am not stupid (even though he seems to think I am.) I believe in my heart it was a physical thing and not just emotional. But I have the proof that it was at least emotional, so it really doesn't matter if it got physical or not. The damage is done because he deceived me! My husband is a very proud person and very stubborn. I know that. But if he can't become somewhat humble and transparent we are headed for divorce. And I'm not afraid of that at all. I am finding my strength and inner peace without any help from him. I am just trying to give our relationship time to heal a bit and not make a decision whether or not to stay until the right time. Maybe one day he will surprise me and come clean or maybe I'll find out he has never stopped his contact with the OW. Either way I am prepared to move on with my life and be happy with myself. I'm just trying to understand his reactions and see if it is normal for him to be this way at this stage. We are going on vacation this weekend and I am hoping that he can relax some once we are away from our daily stresses and do some soul searching of his own! Thanks again to all of you for the advice. Even though you are total strangers it feels good to get my feelings out. You are all helping me recover!

[2sunny]

I am not stupid (even though he seems to think I am.) I believe in my heart it was a physical thing and not just emotional. But I have the proof that it was at least emotional, so it really doesn't matter if it got physical or not. The damage is done because he deceived me! My husband is a very proud person and very stubborn. I know that. But if he can't become somewhat humble and transparent we are headed for divorce. And I'm not afraid of that at all. I am finding my strength and inner peace without any help from him. I am just trying to give our relationship time to heal a bit and not make a decision whether or not to stay until the right time. Maybe one day he will surprise me and come clean or maybe I'll find out he has never stopped his contact with the OW. Either way I am prepared to move on with my life and be happy with myself. I'm just trying to understand his reactions and see if it is normal for him to be this way at this stage. We are going on vacation this weekend and I am hoping that he can relax some once we are away from our daily stresses and do some soul searching of his own! Thanks again to all of you for the advice. Even though you are total strangers it feels good to get my feelings out. You are all helping me recover!

 

being at the mercy of his dishonesty sucks!

 

you know he did this.

 

he knows he did this.

 

and he wants YOU to PRETEND like he didn't do it!

 

that is the part that sucks! he has essentially had YOU going along with his lies and cover up - mainly because he doesn't INTEND to admit to the extent of which he participated - by totally betraying you.

 

YOU going along with it is what is backwards. tell him to leave - and tell him NO VACAY! why would you go on a trip and pretend that everything is all pretty in your M when you know he's betraying you? he WILL find ways to keep in contact with her while you are with him... more betrayal...

 

 

call him out on it all. stop pretending. have him leave.

 

he's too comfortable treating you like dirt - and he knows as long as you stay quiet he gets to continue doing what he intends to do = betray you more.

 

i'd kick him out today. take back your power you've been handing him by being silent. speak up! he's not going to be honest unless he is uncomfortable - and you have allowed him to be comfortable with living his lie by going along with the silence.

 

take the vacation - without him! and have him followed while YOU are away... see what he does while he thinks you won't be watching - THAT would reveal some of what you need to know!

[stillafool]

I am not stupid (even though he seems to think I am.) I believe in my heart it was a physical thing and not just emotional. But I have the proof that it was at least emotional, so it really doesn't matter if it got physical or not.

 

But it does matter if it got physical because that action brought them even closer after the emotional affair. Having sex makes it a full blown affair and I believe they are in one. Also if you believe it is physical you need to be tested (if you haven't been already) for STDs. It will also be harder for them to end the affair if it has become physical, so don't discount sex in their relationship.

 

The damage is done because he deceived me! My husband is a very proud person and very stubborn. I know that. But if he can't become somewhat humble and transparent we are headed for divorce. And I'm not afraid of that at all. I am finding my strength and inner peace without any help from him. I am just trying to give our relationship time to heal a bit and not make a decision whether or not to stay until the right time.

 

It is his job to make it heal because he's the one in an affair. That means disclosing everything to you without becoming defensive.

[stillafool]

II'm just trying to understand his reactions and see if it is normal for him to be this way at this stage.

 

No it is not normal behavior. Most men who are trying to put their marriage back together after an affair will do anything to disclose and prove that they are done with the affair.

[2sunny]

My husband is a very proud person and very stubborn.

 

nope - you have this incorrect... your H is a cheat who wants to cover up his cheating, not own how he is participating, continue to hurt you and have you be quiet while he continues to do what he wants to do.

 

THAT is the part that he IS doing. it has nothing to DO with pride or stubbornness - it has everything to do with him being selfish and self serving - causing harm to you - as long as YOU go along with his little plan of staying quiet - YOU are agreeing to him continuing to cheat!

 

take action - throw him out now.

[KathyM]

I have been dealing with my husband having an emotional affair with a coworker since February. Initially I was angry, an emotional wreck and very confused as to why this happened. We have been married 14 years, have two children, financial stability, own our home, have good jobs and I thought a great marriage. There were some red flags I should have noticed much sooner, but I had no reason to distrust him so I didn't even notice. Since the initial revelation I have found out many more details about the extent of the EA but not from my husband. He refuses to talk about it. I have been talking with a therapist for my own sanity since he won't talk to me about it and he got upset about that and told me he didn't want me to go back. He says he loves me and he's sorry, but he does not see it as cheating. In his mind he has not done anything wrong because there was no physical contact (or so he says.) I am getting better at dealing with my emotions and refuse to let this consume me. I realize there are things both of us need to work on in order to make our marriage work and I am committed to that. However I am struggling with the fact he still works with her and comes in contact with her due to being at the same job. Financially we cannot afford for him to quit, so I am trying not to be the crazy jealous wife. But I have made it clear to him they cannot continue contact with each other. He says he told her that but she has not respected it because I have seen calls or texts from her since. I have not had any contact with her since the discovery and I do not intend to. I don't want to make a bad situation worse at work for him by drawing attention to this. What I am struggling with the most is the way he reacts when I try to discuss my feelings with him. He seems angry at me and I do not understand why. Is this a normal reaction? If so how do I help him to stop being so defensive and open up?

It is cheating, and your husband is not willing to own up to it. You both need marriage counseling. Don't let him talk you out of that. He may want to sweep it under the rug and forget about it, and pretend it never happened, but that is not the way to get past it. Not for you, anyway. He needs to own up to the fact that it was an act of infidelity, that it was wrong, and that he needs to do whatever it takes to put an end to this OWs interest. Insist on the marriage counseling. And I would suggest that you call this OW and insist that she stop contacting your husband. Don't stay in the background. All the books I've read on the subject say you should make your presence known to the OW. Go to the office--not to confront her--but to take your husband to lunch, give him a hug, and show it to the world that you are a married couple making it work. Call the OW and insist that she stop contacting your husband. Tell her you will file harrassment charges if she continues to contact your husband. Tell her he does not want her calls, and then have your husband get on the line in front of you and tell her to stop calling him. Don't stay in the background. You have a right to protect your marriage from women who are trying to harm it. Insist on the counseling.

[Try]

Then an unavailable number started showing up on the phone records. (Guess they think I am stupid!) So I told him if I found out they were still in contact I would leave him.

This shows that your H is actively working with the OW in deceiving you. Any conversation that your H had in discussing this with the OW was an “us against her” type of conversation, where the “us” on the inside was your H and the OW, and the outsider “her” was you. This is why an EA is cheating on a marriage. In marriage the “us” should always be you and your H.

 

In June I found out they were still having breakfast and lunch together. He was going in to work early (after I was already gone to work) and picking up food and taking it to her multiple times a week.

You say that you suspect that it was also a PA but that you have no proof. Was he taking this breakfast to her home and being alone with her there? Please realize that most PIs are not able to get photos of the H having sex with the OW. The most common proof provided by PIs that there is a PA are photos of the H secretly going in and out of the OW home. If he is secretly spending time alone with her in her home before work, he is way out of bounds of what a married man should be doing, and many would consider this as proof of a PA.

[mv6458]

It is cheating, and your husband is not willing to own up to it. You both need marriage counseling. Don't let him talk you out of that. He may want to sweep it under the rug and forget about it, and pretend it never happened, but that is not the way to get past it. Not for you, anyway. He needs to own up to the fact that it was an act of infidelity, that it was wrong, and that he needs to do whatever it takes to put an end to this OWs interest. Insist on the marriage counseling. And I would suggest that you call this OW and insist that she stop contacting your husband. Don't stay in the background. All the books I've read on the subject say you should make your presence known to the OW. Go to the office--not to confront her--but to take your husband to lunch, give him a hug, and show it to the world that you are a married couple making it work. Call the OW and insist that she stop contacting your husband. Tell her you will file harrassment charges if she continues to contact your husband. Tell her he does not want her calls, and then have your husband get on the line in front of you and tell her to stop calling him. Don't stay in the background. You have a right to protect your marriage from women who are trying to harm it. Insist on the counseling.

Thanks Kathy. I did go to his office just to make my presence known & I made sure the supervisor is aware of what was taking place between them. He called my husband in and told him he would lose his job if it didn't stop. We have been having lunch weekly and I pick him up at the office so she can see me & see us together. And I don't want to mislead any of you, I have seen some change in him since I set boundaries for our relationship. He did apologize to me and admit it was wrong. I just can't get him to open up to me about his feelings and the specifics of their relationship. I did go on a trip without him and had him watched while gone and I know that he did not see her other than during work while I was away. So that made me feel a little better. And my brother in law also works there and gave her a text from me saying she better not contact my husband again or I will file charges for harassment. I have also been tested for STD's because like I said before I am not stupid, I know there is a distinct chance it was physical. But we have been married a long time and it doesn't seem fair for me to just walk away without giving us time. As unfair as it seems I know he is going through alot too and I am trying to be there for him. I don't sit silently, I have all his passwords & I snoop every day. But I also know that if you dwell on the negative too much it may have more effect on our relationship and he may feel as though he should just be with her because I will never get over or forgive what he did.

[mv6458]

This shows that your H is actively working with the OW in deceiving you. Any conversation that your H had in discussing this with the OW was an “us against her” type of conversation, where the “us” on the inside was your H and the OW, and the outsider “her” was you. This is why an EA is cheating on a marriage. In marriage the “us” should always be you and your H.

 

 

You say that you suspect that it was also a PA but that you have no proof. Was he taking this breakfast to her home and being alone with her there? Please realize that most PIs are not able to get photos of the H having sex with the OW. The most common proof provided by PIs that there is a PA are photos of the H secretly going in and out of the OW home. If he is secretly spending time alone with her in her home before work, he is way out of bounds of what a married man should be doing, and many would consider this as proof of a PA.

No, all of the meetings between them where they ate breakfast or lunch were at the office with other people around. But the fact that he wasn't telling me that they had meals together at all is the disturbing part. He spent alot of money buying food and taking it to work. He would always include one other person in the meals though so his supervisor wouldn't suspect anything. But I know that was just a tactic to be able to spend time with her. The reason I suspect it was physical at some level is because of the length of time they continued this and the fact that he didn't cut his contact off when I found out the first time about their relationship. I can' t imagine putting that much effort into a friendship that he is not getting anything out of.

[2sunny]

his secrecy and inability to show YOU that he is "all in" with YOU and ONLY you - is what seems to be causing the harm.

 

it's up to HIM to provide YOU complete peace of mind. until he DOES everything in his power to provide you with that - there is reason to believe he's still that same dog sniffing around her tree... so to speak...

[2sunny]

No, all of the meetings between them where they ate breakfast or lunch were at the office with other people around. But the fact that he wasn't telling me that they had meals together at all is the disturbing part. He spent alot of money buying food and taking it to work. He would always include one other person in the meals though so his supervisor wouldn't suspect anything. But I know that was just a tactic to be able to spend time with her. The reason I suspect it was physical at some level is because of the length of time they continued this and the fact that he didn't cut his contact off when I found out the first time about their relationship. I can' t imagine putting that much effort into a friendship that he is not getting anything out of.

 

you are correct - when there nothing to hide = people hide nothing.

 

the FIRST time? you mean he has done this not once - but went behind your back again after you knowing the first time?

 

for me? my exH had ONE chance at me forgiving his bad behavior. the second time = i divorced him. we had been married 20 years by then.

 

if you don't have a boundary - and stick to it - he has free reign to do what he wants without any consequences.

[mv6458]

you are correct - when there nothing to hide = people hide nothing.

 

the FIRST time? you mean he has done this not once - but went behind your back again after you knowing the first time?

 

for me? my exH had ONE chance at me forgiving his bad behavior. the second time = i divorced him. we had been married 20 years by then.

 

if you don't have a boundary - and stick to it - he has free reign to do what he wants without any consequences.

He didn't come clean with me in the beginning about the extent of their relationship. He only addressed the things I found like his cell phone records originally. I told him then that the phone contact had to stop and he told her to stop calling/texting him. However since I was not aware of them eating together at work daily and didn't tell him to stop that he continued. I know he should have cut everything out to begin with and he knows that too. Guess he figued he would maintain contact with her however he could since that was easier than breaking all ties. But it made the hurt much worse for me because he knew how I felt about her and the relationship and he did it anyway. That is the part I am struggling with now, trying to forgive.