Dilemma ?

[BrokenFool]

Ladies and Gentlemen - I have a dilemma and thought the best way to solve it was to ask for advice on here and go with the majority

 

Brief Situation - I am the dumpee , was with my ex in a 3 year on/off LDR , finally got the boot in Jan and broke NC back in March for a week in which she ignored my calls/texts, proceeded to tell me she was with somebody else now ( probably a lie) and told me to move on she doesnt love me anymore etc

so after that week i went NC - in week 18 now and I have had the following

 

private number calls - 7 in one morning

her changing her facebook profile pic

anonymous users checking out my linkedin profile

her logging onto whatsapp to see when i last logged in

a text from a number not in my phone asking hi is this broken ?

 

not broke NC - now heres the dilemma

 

I owed my ex some money which recently having found employment again and without her asking mailed her a cheque, it has been around 2 weeks now and she still hasnt cashed the cheque, im 99% sure she would have got it , im about to send her another cheque in the coming week and before anybody says it i have no hope of getting back together with her, im ok with the fact shes not in my life anymore

 

so do i

 

a) just post the second cheque to her and see what happens - she may not have cashed it deliberately so i would contact her asking her if she got it

b) drop her a text saying hey i posted you a cheque a few weeks back , ive noticed you havent cashed it, im about to post you another cheque and thought i would ask if their is a problem before posting it--- and just leave it at that

 

replies would be much much appreciated

I know i am likely to get either

 

a) yeah i did sorry just not had chance to pop to the bank

b) no i didnt get no cheque - in which case i can cancel that cheque, add that amount to this months amount and send her another cheque

 

WHATEVER her reply i WILL leave it at that and not say/push for anything else - i have learnt from my lessons and where i went wrong before trust me

 

So what would you advise me to do - has anybody been through anything similar ?

I will check all my replies by 11pm tonight and if the majority say text her will keep you guys updated on how it goes

 

thanks

[BrokenFool]

Thanks for your reply

so 1 AGAINST contacting her at the moment

 

I would say this, I CAN stay NC , 18 weeks have shown that

but you are right i havent fully moved on and i think i wont ever be able to until i have given all her money back to her

so making sure she gets the money and i dont owe her nothing is important to my healing

hope this makes sense

[Pelican Paw]

About the money issue - if you owe her more money and were paying in instalments then I would send another cheque regardless of whether the first one was banked. If you are just wanting to send another cheque for the same value as the previous one on the assumption that she never received the first one, no definately don't do that. It does not make any financial sense to do that. Rather just leave it knowing that you did try and pay her, keeping the money asside, or find another secure way of getting the money to her.

[XxericexX]

NC is the way to go. Atleast I hope so haha.

 

I owe my ex money as well, so I'm sorta stuck in the same dilemna?

 

Good luck

[Bito]

You do not owe her anything. You sent the money and have done everything you need to pay the money u owed her. Do not contact her. She will contact you if their is a problem.

[BrokenFool]

PelicanPaw - thank you for your reply sir

Yes the second cheque is the second of four instalments in which I intend to give her back the money that she GAVE me, INSISTED i took, said what was mine was hers and what was hers was mine etc etc

tried giving it back throughout the 3 year on/off relationship she wouldnt have it

didnt have a job for the last 10 months

just started working again in April and have made it my mission to give her money back

I will just post the second cheque ( which just like the first will be posted at the post office around the corner from her house so the chance of her having not received it is minimal ) and then see what happens

even if she doesnt cash the cheque the money isnt going anywhere and at the end of the 4 cheques if she hasnt still cashed them then i will have to text and say look just give me your account details

personally i think she deliberately hasnt put it in so i will text her saying have you got the cheque

 

xerice - thanks for your input, i do wanna stay NC just wanted to make sure she gets her money that she held against me

[Pelican Paw]

That would be Mam if you don't mind

[sun_moon]

Ok let me give you some female input. Also, I am on the receiving end of him owning me money, so I hope you take my advice as someone who gets it.

 

I am in FULL NC mode, I occasionally went into LC to get my money back. I have yet to get it, for the same reasons listed above, he is a student with no job and is financially not able to pay me back at this time. I've received only half of it so far.

 

He kept reaching out to me under false claims he has the money, but when I would finally cave and send a quick response, I would get, oh not yet, I dont have it anymore, then he would fill me in on his life. It was clear to me it was more breadcrumbs...I finally made a conscious decision to forget about the debt he owes me for the sake of my healing. I told myself, that if I never see the money again, he will go down in my ex boyfriend inventory as someone I lost even more respect for, and he has to live with that on his mind, not me. I was the one kind enough to help him out, and it basically bit me in the ass, and once again he took me for granted. My situation was still fresh and I was healing and forgetting in a good way, thanks to NC, but every time he reached out, it was a set back and it left me in tears, regardless of if I responded or not.

 

I even told him that at one point when he told me he will have it soon, I said just say the word because I don't expect to get the money back. He promised me up and down he will let me know when he has it and HE WANTS TO PAY IT BACK, and doesnt want to owe me money. Whether that will be true, only time will tell, but I'm not banking on it. lol

 

Since then, he doesnt hide under false pretenses and every week or so he contacts me for the sake of contacting me.....I've asked him multiple times to lay off.

 

Ok,I'm digressing, my point is, you are doing the right thing. Your instincts are right on, she is trying to illicit a reaction out of you by not cashing the damn checks, that will be her problem, not yours. I don't know about the UK, but here in the US, after 6 months, the check goes stale and is not good, so she better stop with the games.

 

If you are paying her in installments, just keep doing what you are doing. Dont contact her, I know part of you wants to, but as you can see from my situation, even the LC does no good.

 

Oh and thank you for paying her back, its the right thing to do. I really hope I get my last payment. I need it.

 

So, in summary, dont contact her. Keep mailing the installments.

[SillyS]

Giving the money back is really more about you than her. I understand, somewhat in the same scenario, my ex bought me a round trip ticket to canada to visit him and a few other "girlfriend" gifts, but I would like for my own recovery give him back every penny he ever gave me.

 

He says hes not counting on it, but I don't want to feel like I took anything from him. But they are reluctant to take it, because at the end of the day, they are using that in some way or another as a strike against you. "And to think, I gave him this", it allows them to be the victim, to feel used in this way. So I think when an ex did that, they will always be reluctant to give up this guilt they have created in your mind and the strike they have built up against you.

 

Mail every single check. Have a personal carrier drop it off and have someone sign for it if you have to, but just learn from this and try not to put yourself in a position to be financially dependent on anyone. It's simply not worth the grief and guilt that comes with that. Don't contact her though, No contact, the check speaks for itself and if she really doesn't take it, then f*** her and know you tried your best to do the right thing in this situation.

[BrokenFool]

PelicanPaw - Maam my apologies, didnt check out your profile before replying

SunMoon - Thank you for your input, I feel sad your ex cannot realise that in this life money comes and money goes and i truly believe in karma , the money he owes you should find its way back to you with minimal fuss , its rightfully yours and you deserve it

in my case like i said earlier she insisted/forced the money upon me with the we are gonna be together and get married , maybe this is why the lord sent me into your life, throughout the 3 years i ALWAYS paid when we went out would never let her pay, bought her over £1500 presents one birthday to not even receive a birthday card back and said NOTHING, she always knew she would get the money with me but maybe just maybe doubted i meant it

i started work in March and told her via text

" just to let you know ive got a job now and will be able to start giving your money back soon"

her reply was " theirs no rush " i dont know if she was trying to be nice but this threw me a bit as i imagined for someone whom you want nothing to do with and hate you would want your money back asap

I honestly believe in my heart she hasnt banked the cheque hoping i will contact her to enquire , she has always been a coward scared to pick up the phone and say sorry or ask if we can talk, instead she has always tried to get a reaction out of me ( and up until now has always been successfull) and i have broke and contacted her ie i got 7 private number calls one morning , 99% it was her if i had rang her or texted and said did you ring me she would have said no

it takes 5 minutes to pop into the bank and deposit a cheque, she has a company car and lives in a major city i truly believe she hasnt cashed it for a reason , oh well she will get a shock when she receives the next one then

thank you for thanking me for paying her back, it was always my intention an d its nice to know you appreciate the honesty

SillyS - you are right in a way , giving her the money back is more for me than her , shes a spoilt little girl whos never contributed to bills at home or done loads for others etc she has money in her account so whether she got it back from me or not wouldnt really bother her,

for me its a case of keeping my own heart clean , giving back what is rightfully hers every last dime and then she can live with the fact that the one thing she gave me ( within the 1st month of our relationship - which if i wanted to keep or was a con artist i could have disappeared then instead of sticking around for 3 years and taking her punishment) that she has it all back and can live with the fact that she got me wrong

in this day and age in this current economic climate in this world of morality at the moment nobody who was possibly cheated on, betrayed by her talking/meeting up with her ex for the last 15 months of our relationship, dumped every 6 weeks would give back £10000 to her

[BrokenFool]

Everybody in favour of maintaining NC and just mailing her the second cheque

[Pelican Paw]

Only you know the answer to the NC thing. I do feel however, going purely by the fact that you know that it's been 18 weeks of NC, is a bit concerning to me. I think that perhaps you may be trying to talk yourself into using the cheque issue as a reason to contact your ex or responding to the mysterious phone contacts you have been getting of late. If it were me and the 18 weeks had been okay and I had been better as a result I wouldnt' want to jeapodise that by making contact but we are all very different and the relationships we have had are different too. You would do yourself a lot of good to think hard about responding or contacting your ex and how that is going to affect you. I do believe that if our exs really want us back, they will do whatever they could to make us aware of that and, anyway, we are worth that. Sometimes they are just using their selfish tactics to check if we are still there for them. You better believe that as much as at times I have wanted it, my ex would have to go to the ends of the world to get me back. Afterall, clearly he was half-heartedly going out with me in the first place else I would have seen our breakup coming before it did. If that makes any sense.

[BrokenFool]

PelicanPaw - course I understand where you coming from maam, and if im honest yes im not over her, yes i wish and hope we could speak again, do i still love her ? i dont know about that anymore whereas months ago i could have said yes in a flash

and yes i admit i am hoping she will use the fact i messaged her about the cheque to try ask how i am or whats new - to be honest i dont know what i am hoping for but i know i am hoping for something

i will stick to NC and let you guys know what happens when i post the 2nd cheque to her this week

thanks guys for your support and views