lalalandman Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 We broke up in May after 5 years and it's been 1 month of complete NC. She really has no way of contacting me because I deleted my FB, changed my phone number, deleted my email. She does know where I live and has been known to come unannounced. I had this strange dream about her last night and I woke up missing her, and upset. I actually thought I was over her completely. I've gone on about 4 dates with girls in the past month or so. Some of them led to sex. I have to say, it really did help in the healing process. Nothing is great like a nice confidence boost. Of course, none of them led to anything serious. Most of them had too much baggage just like me. One date, I took her back the next morning, and her "ex" bf was there waiting at her house! Anyways, I know I've come a long way in the healing process, but today I'm making a conscious decision to stop dating. I'm just not ready. And coincidentally, none of the girls I've gone out with have been either. I feel like I used to have genuine thoughts on the institution of marriage, and faithfulness, and the one. My ex had left me so many times and cheated on me so much, and treated me like utter crap, that after she dumped me again, I lost faith in all those things. She even admitted to being the biggest bitch to me at one point. Even her dad called her "crazy" and her mother apologized to me for her awful behavior. Anyways, it just sucks to know I'm not completely over her yet. I honestly thought I was. But the fact that I have to stop myself from picking up my phone to call her is a clear indication that I'm not over her. But at least I don't have to deal with her calling me from blocked numbers and sending me texts. Not having to deal with the petty contact does make it easier.
olivec Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I know its tough man, i've been on a few dates since my ex gf dumped me 3 months ago but i still cant really get back into the dating scene. It just feels like soo much work now. I guess in time well both get our groove back and feel excited about dating again. Just know that we all been there and it gets better over time.
radiodarcy Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) i know what you mean you mean abt not wanting to date. i have had no desire to do so since being dumped and i don't think i will any time soon. it requires way too much energy and besides why put myself out there when chances are i'm only get to get hurt just as bad if not worse than last time? i'm especially tired of someone showing on interest in me one minute and then writing me off the next. there's too much crap to decode. and no this is not because i "gave it up" too easily - - i haven't had sex with anything but a toy in over a year. i'd rather just focus on my own interests and stop trying to find happiness and acceptance with someone else. Edited August 2, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author lalalandman Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I honestly feel I got it all out of my system now, and I just want to spend this last summer month moving on completely, by myself, without other drama. I totally agree with Radiodarcy about needing to focus on my own interests and stop going out of my way trying to find happiness with someone else. It's just trying to fill a void and I'm really over it.
Pelican Paw Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Cut yourself some slack too whilst you are at it - it's only been 2 months since the breakup . I am sure you need some quality time to reconnect with YOU.
Bito Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I am done trying to force myself to date. I am just going to follow my dream and live life happy with or without someone. I wanted so bad to fill the void that she left in me but I'm glad I did not. I needed the time to heal and become one with myself again. If an opportunity arises to be with someone new I won't turn it down but I an done trying to force it. Im happy and content with the person I see when I look in the miror. Everyone who is in a healthy relationship should feel the same. If not then something is wrong...
radiodarcy Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I honestly feel I got it all out of my system now, and I just want to spend this last summer month moving on completely, by myself, without other drama. I totally agree with Radiodarcy about needing to focus on my own interests and stop going out of my way trying to find happiness with someone else. It's just trying to fill a void and I'm really over it. yeah - - it wasn't even a real relationship but a friends w/ benefits situation (he was my first). i wanted and begged for more but he refused saying he didnt want a relationship because he had been hurt in the past. and then lo and behold he decided he was ready for one - - only not with me. he cut off the benefits saying we could be friends but he wanted to start dating so he could find the one. he also told me i should start dating too. but i was too hurt and stunned to do that. needless to say that whole experience has been enough to set me off dating for a while. and it also taught me how important it is to build my own sense of self. that whole time i was hanging out with him i completely eradicated my identity and became consumed (literally as well as figuratively) by him. it wasn't a good feeling at all. but during these past five months of NC i've started reading again, spending more time with family friends, increased my workouts at the gym and have even changed my diet. and i feel great! i have more energy, am less depressed and irritable and more confidence.
sun_moon Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Initially I was dead set on finding someone to date, mostly as a form of revenge and distraction, it never materialized, because I knew I was such an emotional mess and couldn't even handle it at the time. Fast forward till now, and I am so glad I didn't go through with it. I'm open to dating now, but, I'm not over him. I don't want a relationship now, but I will one day. The most I've done is some harmless flirting but when I go on that first date, I know I will come running on here to tell you guys all about it. lalalandman, I think focusing on yourself will be the biggest gift you give yourself. There is a sense of peace about it, I cant explain it. I will admit, many times my solitude is quite boring, but overall I am happy with my progress.
antinko Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I was going to start a similar thread. I'm sure my ex, the 'dumper' is dating and she broke up with me because I think she wanted to be more 'free', but I hate the idea. I hate how someone who claimed they loved you and were your 'soul mate' (seriously, this girl was full on even talking marriage and kids for a while) can 'switch off' their feelings for you so quickly and move on. Part of me wonders if she still loves me but is just doing this to cope herself. I don't know. I shouldn't really care, but I do. As for me, I went a whole day feeling totally fine yesterday, but then a friend of mine was going through some photos earlier on Facebook and, as she's a friend of my ex, flicked past my ex's new profile picture. It was nothing super scary like she was with another guy or anything like that...but she looked genuinely happy. I don't begrudge her happiness, but I just can't understand the idea of someone being so believably full on into a person...and then changing their feelings so quickly, especially when my feelings are lingering so much. I just don't get it. Anyway, part of me wants to date. I've hooked up with some girls and it led to nothing, but I just couldn't take that step yet. I still miss my ex and, although she's never coming back, it sucks... Still managing to maintain NC, though. In regard to the original post, yeh, I want to pick up the phone too. It's amazing how your mind seduces you into thinking there may be the slightest chance even when there clearly isn't. Just have to stay strong, though. There's someone better out there and they'll find you eventually.
D-Lish Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Initially I was dead set on finding someone to date, mostly as a form of revenge and distraction, it never materialized, because I knew I was such an emotional mess and couldn't even handle it at the time. Fast forward till now, and I am so glad I didn't go through with it. I'm open to dating now, but, I'm not over him. I don't want a relationship now, but I will one day. The most I've done is some harmless flirting but when I go on that first date, I know I will come running on here to tell you guys all about it. lalalandman, I think focusing on yourself will be the biggest gift you give yourself. There is a sense of peace about it, I cant explain it. I will admit, many times my solitude is quite boring, but overall I am happy with my progress. I did the same thing- set up a pof account and went on a few dates- but it just made me miss my ex more to have dates that didn't compare to the great first date I had with my ex. I realized it was the wrong time to be searching for that. I am still really messy- I have a pof account, but I haven't visited it in a long time. lala- there are a lot of good things that can come from a little solitude, self reflection, and focusing on doing your own thing. Someday another girl will pop up. I always find that you have to be healthy within yourself to be ready to date- otherwise you'll make poor dating choices. The ex that brought me to LS 6 years ago was the worst possible person I could have dated- but I gravitated toward him at a time when I was down. When you're feeling good about things, you'll attract the same.
olivec Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I was going to start a similar thread. I'm sure my ex, the 'dumper' is dating and she broke up with me because I think she wanted to be more 'free', but I hate the idea. I hate how someone who claimed they loved you and were your 'soul mate' (seriously, this girl was full on even talking marriage and kids for a while) can 'switch off' their feelings for you so quickly and move on. Part of me wonders if she still loves me but is just doing this to cope herself. I don't know. I shouldn't really care, but I do. As for me, I went a whole day feeling totally fine yesterday, but then a friend of mine was going through some photos earlier on Facebook and, as she's a friend of my ex, flicked past my ex's new profile picture. It was nothing super scary like she was with another guy or anything like that...but she looked genuinely happy. I don't begrudge her happiness, but I just can't understand the idea of someone being so believably full on into a person...and then changing their feelings so quickly, especially when my feelings are lingering so much. I just don't get it. Anyway, part of me wants to date. I've hooked up with some girls and it led to nothing, but I just couldn't take that step yet. I still miss my ex and, although she's never coming back, it sucks... Still managing to maintain NC, though. In regard to the original post, yeh, I want to pick up the phone too. It's amazing how your mind seduces you into thinking there may be the slightest chance even when there clearly isn't. Just have to stay strong, though. There's someone better out there and they'll find you eventually. The worst for me is when i'm lying in bed bored as hell like yesterday because like you said your mind starts having those fun times with your ex. I had my phone in my hand the whole night wanting to contact my ex gf. I just feel soo pathetic right now. And yeah I went on pof and it sucks i got no connections at all and I just deleated the account.
Author lalalandman Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Yea so after all that, 2 days ago I ended up seeing 3 women in the same day, all on a romantic level. I'm pretty sure this is not good.
D-Lish Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Yea so after all that, 2 days ago I ended up seeing 3 women in the same day, all on a romantic level. I'm pretty sure this is not good. Like, you slept with them all???
Author lalalandman Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 No of course not. Not on that day at least. I sort of can't seem to stop. I'm constantly hitting on women and getting dates. I don't know if I need help or if I deserve a high five? I'm not kidding...
sun_moon Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Ick! This is why I am not dating. Have fun I guess.
Author lalalandman Posted August 5, 2011 Author Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) hmm so get this.... 3 weeks ago I ran into one of my ex's friends at a club. We had a good talk and hung out. When she mentioned my ex I stopped her and basically just said "no". She sort of knew I wasn't interested in talking about her. So I find out that my ex ended up calling one of my short term rebounds when my ex dumped me in September and said "hey, my friend ran into him and she mentioned he got upset when she mentioned me, like he was trying to hide something. Are you seeing him?" Apparently when rebound girl said no, the ex said "well I don't trust you" What the hell is that about? Edited August 5, 2011 by lalalandman
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