delilah123 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) Me and my guy are just seeing each other, we aren't official although our friends know we see each other (we've been together for 3 1/2 years). We say I love you and we have sex exclusively. It's not ideal for me I'd prefer to be official - but he's leaving at the end of the year anyway for a year (and neither of us are keen for long distance) so we aren't going to be together then anyway. He doesn't feel mature enough to deal with the pressures of being in a relationship, he starts feeling obliged to see me etc. Which is silly but how he feels and he is hoping on having a chance to work on it while he is overseas for a year alone (he plans to come back and be in a relationship with me). Without telling me I'm wasting my time, because I'm not going to stop seeing him could you please let me know some benefits of not being in a relationship with him I'm not interested in seeing other people (nor is he), but I enjoy seeing him more then 2-3 times a week and he only has time for 2-3 times a week.. so I guess... what do you guys enjoy doing when you are only 'seeing' someone that you can't enjoy doing when you are with them? I like living alone, so that's my favorite bonus Just like to have some positivity tonight. Edited August 2, 2011 by delilah123
Cee Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I suggest while he's away, you take on the status: "single, but NOT looking." Don't pretend you have a long distance relationship and allow yourself to truly be single. The benefits of singlehood are mixed in with loneliness and pain. I was single by choice and not dating for 4 long years. The benefits are deeper than having a lot of free time. It's about putting the focus on you and not on a SO. But by focusing on yourself, you will see deeply into your fears, insecurities, and fundamental issues around love. What I did in my 4 years was to face my inability to love myself. That was the primary task. I learned the concept of "self-care" which means take care of my own needs and not thinking someone will rescue me. When I learned self-care, I learned that I am a stronger person than I thought. And eventually, I learned to love me. It was the hardest 4 years of my life and a lot of the time, I felt like a failure, but I muddled along. But by the end, I was a totally different person. Once you master the task of self-love, your life will radically change. To the point that when this guy comes back, you may realize that you deserve MUCH better. Good luck.
musemaj11 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You guys have been seeing each other for 3 years. You guys are in a relationship, although a rather strange one.
sm1tten Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I do not understand how you are NOT in a relationship. I can't think of benefit of not being in a relationship that I can't have when I'm in one.
iris219 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Benefits of being in your relationship: Not many, at least in my opinion. Benefits of not being in a relationship that isn’t ideal for you: You are free to find someone you’re truly compatible with and who IS ideal for you. It sounds like you’re in some weird relationship purgatory right now. I was in a relationship very similar to yours for years. We were official, but only saw each other a few times a week, sometimes less. We didn’t speak on a daily basis and rarely the spent the night together. I tried for years to convince myself this was enough, but it wasn’t. Instead of trying to convince yourself your relationship is fine as it is, either fix it (by talking to him and mutually deciding to make it different) or realize that it will always be this way and you will get to a point where you can’t do it anymore. Let’s say the relationship dynamic NEVER changed, not 10 years from now, not ever. Would you be OK with that? If your BF is like my ex, he's fine with the way things are. I’m only being harsh because your relationship reminds me of a relationship that ended up making me very unhappy and left me with a lot regret (and a lot of "what the heck was I thinking?")
musemaj11 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I do not understand how you are NOT in a relationship. I can't think of benefit of not being in a relationship that I can't have when I'm in one. You cant bang all the hot guys you wanna bang.
grkBoy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I never understood why people treat relationships or even marriage as some attack on their personal freedom. Unless you want to see and sleep with multiple people, a RL or marriage isn't the end of your life. delilah, I might be wrong or assuming too much, but I see in your words an attitude that you would honestly love a relationship with this guy, but he doesn't want one with you, so you're accepting and settling for whatever little bits he does give you. Now you're tying to convince yourself that you're better off not in a RL so you don't suddenly think you wasted 3.5 years of your life. In the end, you didn't waste any time. Come on, if he's leaving then it shows it was not meant to be, but you decided to enjoy the moments you had with him. Nothing wrong with that. Why should you want to be single and alone? Do it because you perhaps don't have time in your life for a boyfriend. Do it because you might want to become more "gypsy" and be able to pack up and move around as you please. Do it because you want to explore other things in life, or even other men, and not be tied down to one. Why should you want to have a relationship? Do it because you met someone ideal, he wants a solid commitment with you, he's wonderful to you, and you can't fathom life without him. That's simply it. Too many people treat RLs and marriage as some societal necessity they are "supposed to do", like they're not adults or even human if they don't have some counterpart. Others as I've stated treat all that as some "end" in life. Like suddenly everything has fallen into a bland monotony because you're now committed to one person. Set the rules as you want them, and find someone who agrees with that. You want an open relationship? Find a like-minded person. You want to be alone and sexless for a while? Do it. You want a full commitment, but "me time" for hobbies and interests? Do that. Too many people just will "settle" on an unhappy situation just to "have someone". So the guy who wants alone time will settle with and complain about the crazy codependent woman who goes psycho if he's not spending his every free moment with her. Or the girl who wants a solid monogamous RL will settle for some guy who won't commit because she's hoping he will change his mind when she could go find someone else who wants what she wants. People complicate this too much.
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