I don't think it's for me...

[youngskywalker]

Speaking about marriage that is. My g/f wants to get married someday (to me). I've spent the majority of my younger adult life seeking to find the right one to settle down with. Now that the prospect has finally come with a great girl I'm getting cold feet just thinking about it.

 

Here's why. I see the benefit of getting married to be all hers and very little mine. She wants the kids, house, traveling, the list goes on and on ect ect. But what do I get in all of it? I only see the pressure of supporting all of that, working double time and giving up all my personal dreams when she just simply gets what she wants.

 

I've worked really hard and saved up a lot of money the last 10 years. It was a big sacrifice to me because when everyone else was driving around in their fancy new cars I was saving for something that I want to do someday (don't know what that is yet).

 

I know this is going to sound really bad but I'm just going to say it. I'm beginning to see my S/O as more of a burden in life than a helpmeet (when I think of it in terms of marriage).

 

If I get married to a girl I want her to bring forth her 50%. Not in monetary terms per say, but just in everything else. I feel that some women just think they can have everything on a silver platter just by saying "I do". Why do some women consider themselves to be the grand trophy? What do I get from all of it? A promise of unbridled lustful sex every night? Yeah right!!! I'm not so stupid to believe that. I bet I won't get any sex after a year. Not only that, I bet I'll have to do half the chores around the house after a 10 hour day at work. Something isn't adding up to me in all this.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[delilah123]

I'm not married, I'm only 20, i have been seeing someone for 3 years though so we've discussed it (not with def plans though).

 

There are few things to consider here..

 

I mean, does your gf have a job now? Why do you feel that you will be supporting her 100%? if you aren't happy with making all the income, just let her know you'd prefer a wife who worked as well.

 

IF she is going to stay home, why on earth do you think that there will be housework left for you to do? isn't her 'job' to do the housework if she's at home?

 

Do you want children? If you do, is it just not important to you if they are born out of wedlock (that's fine if it is, just a question).

 

These are the sort of things I've chatted to my guy about..

 

We kinda envision a life where if he is earning enough to support us, i'll be working part time (because I'd drive myself nuts with bordem if i wasn't), but I won't work full time, so we will be able to live out in acreage (something he wants) (I'll be able to drive the kids around since we won't be close to public transport if I'm not working full time). If I'm not working full time I'll take on about 90% of the duties, minus the handy man stuff, which he enjoys and I'll do cooking most night except for when he wants to (since he's a great cook who enjoys cooking).

 

- so I'll be helping him through housework, love, support, cooking & contributing a small income, and he'll be working and offering me love and support as well. We both think it's really important that the children have a mother who is able to spend a lot of time with them.

 

We feel like that's fair for us, its something that would work for us... maybe you just need to have a chat to her about what isn't your ideal and how you'd like things to be after marriage.

 

Are you living together yet? (Sorry can't remember if you mentioned this)... if you are, what is going to change when you are married?

[Arikel]

Funny, my ex and I had this very argument a few days ago.

 

Basically it boiled down to this: He earns 10 times more than I do (maybe more), I basically earn enough to support myself comfortably (though not at his level). What do I bring to the relationship? Its definitely not money, heh, even though I've never asked him for money, and pay for my share of the holidays

 

What I do bring to the relationship is love, support, patience, and someone that you would be happy to come home to. Of course, I expect that of my partner as well. I don't do much housework(!!), I don't mind cooking, but so does he, and we like eating out.

 

So apart from love, support, and the security that there will always be someone there for him, I also allow my partner to be who they are, to relax their guard, to not have to watch their back around me.

 

I guess in the end though, if you were measuring it, he definitely brought more to the relationship, money, property. He also brought flaws, insecurities, I brought the person he could share them with, who wouldnt judge. But if it boils right down to that, there isn't any real need for the man to get married, to be blunt, he could probably get that from any hooker or sugarbabe, costs a lot cheaper than a wife.

 

Probably one of the reasons why he's constantly cheating!

 

But in the end though, I guess its you who has to decide if its worth sharing all of you with the woman you love, and whether or not she is worth it all to you. Of course there are some people who would do as you say, and take advantage, but there are also others who would be willing to give as much as they can to the relationship, like Delilah123 describes.

 

P.S: I really don't see why you should be doing chores (except to take out the garbage) if you were the sole income earner

[Enchanted Girl]

How long have you two been dating?

 

What kind of sex do you get now?

 

Do you two live together?

 

And are you really saying that she gives you NOTHING in your relationship?

 

If you've been dating for years then the amount of sex you get now is probably the amount you'll continue to get while married. After a few years, I got comfortable in my relationship with my ex and any gaining of weight or withholding of sex or WHATEVER faults I could have, I started doing by that point.

 

If you live together and get married, life probably won't change much for you from what it is now. She'll probably work the same amount and do the same amount of housework. The only difference is she might start talking about wanting kids and if you don't want kids, that's a conversation you need to have with her (that you SHOULD have had with her a long time ago.) And if you don't live together, why aren't you trying that out first?!?!

 

And I also doubt that she gives you nothing in the relationship. Most men overvalue money. If they are providing all the money then no matter how much patience, kindness, understanding, love, sex, housework, or whatever their girlfriend is giving them, they value it as nothing. I've been there and done that with boyfriends since I only make minimum wage. And if a girl makes more than them, then they get insecure and feel like they are giving nothing to the relationship themselves. And often wind up leaving the girl. Relationships are about so much more than money!

 

And if you are living together and have been dating for a few years, then don't pretend your relationship will suddenly explode and change just because you got married. Just keep in mind that after a certain amount of time has passed and you aren't moving forward in a relationship, then it almost always falls apart guaranteed. My ex and I hadn't even lived together after five years and I think that's a big reason why we broke-up (although he was the one doing the breaking up.) Because if you aren't moving forward then the only direction to go is backwards.

 

Having kids actually changes a relationship a whole lot more than marrying does because you are adding people to the relationship.

[Emilia]

Interesting, I always see it as the other way round: men get more out of marriages than women do. They get someone that looks after their home, looks after their children, makes sure their home life is organised, that they have clean and ironed shirts. The only thing men have to do is turn up at work, do their bit there but really any other aspect of their life is sorted. Women tend to organise most social events too.

 

This has always turned me off marriage, I see it as something that would complicate my life and add aspects to it I don't enjoy. I am financially independent, have a career, meet new people all the time, have a varied social life. Do I need a guy who expects his socks to be washed on top of all that? Not really. I like having lovers but don't want a husband.

[xxoo]

Here's why. I see the benefit of getting married to be all hers and very little mine. She wants the kids, house, traveling, the list goes on and on ect ect. But what do I get in all of it? I only see the pressure of supporting all of that, working double time and giving up all my personal dreams when she just simply gets what she wants.

 

I don't know if the problem is marriage, or if the problem is that you are with the wrong person.

 

You have different dreams, incompatible ideas of "how I want to live my best life". You don't need to have exactly the same dreams, but they should at least be compatible dreams (not mutually exclusive).

 

Figure out what it is you truly want out of life, and then start living that life. Chances are, you'll meet a woman already living that life who is a GREAT match for you, and marrying might make a lot more sense.

[zengirl]

Speaking about marriage that is. My g/f wants to get married someday (to me). I've spent the majority of my younger adult life seeking to find the right one to settle down with. Now that the prospect has finally come with a great girl I'm getting cold feet just thinking about it.

 

Maybe she's not the right girl?

 

Certainly, it's possible your priorities have changed, but if you wanted to settle down (which means marriage to most settling down people) and she wants the same thing, under the common social construct of marriage, why would you not marry her if you really wanted her around forever? It seems like you DON'T want her around forever. Which is fine, but it's definitely something you need to tell the girl straight-up.

 

Here's why. I see the benefit of getting married to be all hers and very little mine. She wants the kids, house, traveling, the list goes on and on ect ect. But what do I get in all of it? I only see the pressure of supporting all of that, working double time and giving up all my personal dreams when she just simply gets what she wants.

 

If her dreams aren't your dreams, it sounds like you aren't compatible.

 

I've worked really hard and saved up a lot of money the last 10 years. It was a big sacrifice to me because when everyone else was driving around in their fancy new cars I was saving for something that I want to do someday (don't know what that is yet).

 

I know this is going to sound really bad but I'm just going to say it. I'm beginning to see my S/O as more of a burden in life than a helpmeet (when I think of it in terms of marriage).

 

Well, if you've been saving for 10 years, I'd really start figuring out what that "someday" dream of yours is, incidentally. This seems like an even bigger problem than her potentially being the wrong gal. How can you commit to anyone or anything until you know what your goals and dreams and life ought to be?

 

If I get married to a girl I want her to bring forth her 50%. Not in monetary terms per say, but just in everything else. I feel that some women just think they can have everything on a silver platter just by saying "I do". Why do some women consider themselves to be the grand trophy? What do I get from all of it? A promise of unbridled lustful sex every night? Yeah right!!! I'm not so stupid to believe that. I bet I won't get any sex after a year. Not only that, I bet I'll have to do half the chores around the house after a 10 hour day at work. Something isn't adding up to me in all this.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

You don't sound like you're in love to me. What do people get out of marriage: a partner, whatever that means to them. Marriages aren't like in the 50s where they all look alike---I see so many different marriages these days, where each partner contributes all kinds of things. But what could make you happy? You don't seem to say (or potentially know?) what you want from life or a partner, so how could you possibly get it?

 

Love and marriage definitely aren't paychecks and house chores and ticking off which days you got sex on the calendar, so if you're seeing it in those terms, something definitely ISN'T adding up.

 

At any rate, this is a post about everything you don't want, which is unproductive. What DO you want from your love life and your life in general?

[Lucky_One]

Speaking about marriage that is. My g/f wants to get married someday (to me). I've spent the majority of my younger adult life seeking to find the right one to settle down with. Now that the prospect has finally come with a great girl I'm getting cold feet just thinking about it.

 

Here's why. I see the benefit of getting married to be all hers and very little mine. She wants the kids, house, traveling, the list goes on and on ect ect. But what do I get in all of it? I only see the pressure of supporting all of that, working double time and giving up all my personal dreams when she just simply gets what she wants.

 

I've worked really hard and saved up a lot of money the last 10 years. It was a big sacrifice to me because when everyone else was driving around in their fancy new cars I was saving for something that I want to do someday (don't know what that is yet).

 

I know this is going to sound really bad but I'm just going to say it. I'm beginning to see my S/O as more of a burden in life than a helpmeet (when I think of it in terms of marriage).

 

If I get married to a girl I want her to bring forth her 50%. Not in monetary terms per say, but just in everything else. I feel that some women just think they can have everything on a silver platter just by saying "I do". Why do some women consider themselves to be the grand trophy? What do I get from all of it? A promise of unbridled lustful sex every night? Yeah right!!! I'm not so stupid to believe that. I bet I won't get any sex after a year. Not only that, I bet I'll have to do half the chores around the house after a 10 hour day at work. Something isn't adding up to me in all this.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

You aren't getting unbridled lustful sex with her anyway. She won't even have sex with you now, and she doesn't orgasm, and she won't do anything but straight intercourse.

 

Haven't you figured out by now that this girl is not a good life partner for you?

[April72]

Well I am a divorced woman and these are my thoughts take them for what they are worth. Marriage isn't for everyone. My ex was a great guy but a terrible husband. He wanted all the freedom of being a bachelor with all the perks of marriage. It doesn't work. He should have never married me but did so out of feeling pressure to do so or I would move on and he was right. I want to be married. Marriage for me is a partnership and you build and live your lives together. For each other. Building toward dreams together etc.

 

But I will say this about marriage. Certain things will fall to one or the other.... not in every case but in most. The woman will do the bulk of house work and child care... even if she has a man that helps. A man typically (esp. where I live) makes more money then a woman and the weight of income falls to him. Sex changes... it becomes less frequent you learn to push each others buttons and get into a routine often. Both people have to admit about working to keep a spark there. But it can be kept alive and stay very fulfilling. It takes two and both have to give and she will do more of some things and you will do more of others.

 

But..... my advice is do not marry unless you really want to.... don't do it for her.... and she may move on if she wants marriage and children and you may lose her. but if you marry her to keep her odds are resentment will grow and it will end in divorce. And if you have children they pay a very dear price. I know. I have three children. good luck.

[sm1tten]

Marriage definitely isn't for everyone. I don't know if it's for me. But I do think that you are with a person you don't want to marry. Some of my married friends have said, "Oh I didn't know that I wanted to get married/have kids" until I met this person, and I believe that works for some people. For me, marriage is something I'm just not terribly interested in.

 

Also, all of those things you described as burdens are things that could or would occur irregardless of being married, unless you plan on maintaining separate households and lives for the duration of your relationship.

[FitChick]

I'm beginning to see my S/O as more of a burden in life than a helpmeet (when I think of it in terms of marriage).

 

You are too immature to get married now. Material things and money are more important to you. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't bring children into the mix because they are VERY expensive and you would resent them.

 

Your girlfriend is not the right woman. You should think of marriage as being on a team or working together in your own company where individual wants and needs are secondary to what is good for the team/company. You need to find someone who thinks the same.

[FitChick]

And yet rich men have multiple marriages, paying big money to attorneys and for property settlements. Why? Could it be that studies have shown that married men are happier, healthier and live longer than single men? These rich men can get beautiful women without marrying them. Yet being successful, they are risk takers and gamblers, keeping their eye on the prize. They are the winners in life.

 

It's always the men without two pennies to rub together who worry about getting conned by goldiggers and they're not even on any golddigger's radar. As time goes on and women get more college degrees and professional qualifications than men and make more money, those same men will disappear entirely from view.

[henderson14]

Amen brother. You made a great point and a hilarious one at that. Why do you think it's always the women pressuring the men to get married? I think thats part of the reason marriage was invented in the first place. Fathers didn't want guys leaving their daughters empty handed when they got older and less desirable and stopped putting out.

 

In all honesty though you should also want the kids, house, and traveling. You have to want the same things. And most men take pride in being the provider of the family and that's what makes them feel like the man. I understand your point about you having to pretty much split all your hard earned money with her but thats what marriage is. You become one person, family, etc. If you got divorced you only split what you earned while married. Your assets before are kept separate. Plus you don't have to have joint checking accounts and this gives you an excuse to control the money.

Edited August 3, 2011 by henderson14

[Woggle]

There is a current issue of Time with a study that says men do a lot more around the house than people think but good luck getting feminists to admit to that. I had clean clothes, a clean house and good food perfectly fine without a wife. It's a myth that men are helpless creatures without a wife.

 

It makes sense that rich men would be less concerned about gold diggers since they can afford to take the loss but your average guy can seriously take a hit if he has to keep paying alimony. Your average man has more to lose.

 

I am not against marriage per see but I think men need to very careful about it and not let women think they are immature or non-committal if they are careful about it. Make sure a woman signs a prenup and if she shows any resistance whatsoever to it you know she is not the one for you. Make sure she is serious about committing to a marriage and not just having a wedding.

[youngskywalker]

So many good responses on this. For times sake I'm just going to hit on a few of them.

 

I mean, does your gf have a job now? Why do you feel that you will be supporting her 100%? if you aren't happy with making all the income, just let her know you'd prefer a wife who worked as well.

 

IF she is going to stay home, why on earth do you think that there will be housework left for you to do? isn't her 'job' to do the housework if she's at home?

 

Yes she does have a job and is very responsible. I just know that if the opportunity arises she'll want me to be the sole provider. That doesn't bother me as long as I get a piece of the pie too. Is my destiny in life to provide for others and not have my own hobbies as well? I feel like everyone in the world simply wants to put their hand in my pocket. Government, women, future kids, and the list goes on. Maybe that's ok, I'm just surveying the situation. BTW I do think a prudent homemaker is a worthy occupation. I just need to make sure she would be.

 

What do I bring to the relationship? Its definitely not money, What I do bring to the relationship is love, support, patience, and someone that you would be happy to come home to. Of course, I expect that of my partner as well....So apart from love, support, and the security that there will always be someone there for him, I also allow my partner to be who they are, to relax their guard, to not have to watch their back around me.

 

If I really got all that from a marriage I would be satisfied. I think very few marriages work out like that.

 

How long have you two been dating?

 

What kind of sex do you get now?

 

Do you two live together?

 

And are you really saying that she gives you NOTHING in your relationship

 

We've been together for 7 solid months. The sex is great but not often because she's paranoid about it. We don't live together. She gives me this; a lot of love and support.

 

You aren't getting unbridled lustful sex with her anyway. She won't even have sex with you now, and she doesn't orgasm, and she won't do anything but straight intercourse. Haven't you figured out by now that this girl is not a good life partner for you?

 

I have been getting sex. It's just not that often. Ever hear of something called religion? Because of that, she doesn't feel free to have sex outside of marriage (except when she gets really horny lol). I do get a little kink every now and then too. Don't know what else to comment about that issue. It's true, the sex is on and off kind of thing. I don't know if I mind too much because at least I have a less chance of getting her pregnant.

[cutily]

Why the hell are you talking about marriage after 7 months!!!! No wonder the divorce rate is above 50%!!

 

Stop rushing, after 7 months you don't know a person enough to know if it will be a good partner or if she has what you need. You don't even live together!

 

Please stop torturing yourself it's too soon in the relationship, If I had married all the guys I thought I loved so much after 7months, I would be several times divorced, and I'm just 24!!!

 

Take your time and you'll find the answer.

 

For a personal note, I couldn't see myself being a stay at home mum I have a master degree I worked hard for this I'm independant, and jus the idea of it frightens me!! I would expect a guy to think just like me and cannot imagine his wife staying at home.

[youngskywalker]

Why the hell are you talking about marriage after 7 months!!!! No wonder the divorce rate is above 50%!!

 

Stop rushing, after 7 months you don't know a person enough to know if it will be a good partner or if she has what you need. You don't even live together!

 

Please stop torturing yourself it's too soon in the relationship, If I had married all the guys I thought I loved so much after 7months, I would be several times divorced, and I'm just 24!!!

 

Take your time and you'll find the answer.

 

You don't need to worry. This is only a "talking about our expectations" stage, which is healthy for a couple. There isn't a ring on her finger.

[henderson14]

She doesnt want to have sex outside of marriage because of religion yet she still has sex with you but just not as often. Thats the most contradictory stupid thing i've ever heard. The no sex before marriage thing is an all or nothing concept. I don't remember them telling me in catholic school "Not too much sex before marriage." Its like that Seinfield episode..Tell her she's already going to hell anyways for having sex so it doesn't matter. This keeps getting funnier and funnier. LOL

Edited August 3, 2011 by henderson14

[youngskywalker]

She doesnt want to have sex outside of marriage because of religion yet she still has sex with you but just not as often. Thats the most contradictory stupid thing i've ever heard. The no sex before marriage thing is an all or nothing concept. I don't remember them telling me in catholic school "Not too much sex before marriage." Its like that Seinfield episode..Tell her she's already going to hell anyways for having sex so it doesn't matter. This keeps getting funnier and funnier. LOL

 

I think we're getting off on a tangent here but religion is a very powerful thing and in many instances it goes against basic human nature. So I'm sure you see the conflict. I understand where she is coming from because I'm a recovering religionoid. Heck, I think I just made up a word

[youngskywalker]

Because most of them are from another era. The married rate has plummeted from 80% of adults 25-35 in the 60s to 45% today. At this rate of decline, the institution will cease to be culturally relevant in the U.S. sometime in the next 30 years.

 

That may be true... but that doesn't mean it will be healthy to society. Only time will tell. My guess is nay.

[Lucky_One]

Luke, you are in a 7 month relationship. You have said that she has cut you off from sex several times now, simply because she has decided that she does not believe that the two of you should have sex.

 

If she will do that now, you can rest assured that your sex life will not be wild and lusty post-marriage.

[Hot Chick]

If you are viewing this as more of an arrangement, like you are, you are not really in love with this woman. She is not in love with you, either, she is in love with the idea of the house, kids, and white picket fence.

[Lucky_One]

Did she pull the "premarital sex is against God's wishes" crap with her other 6 sex partners?

[youngskywalker]

Luke, you are in a 7 month relationship. You have said that she has cut you off from sex several times now, simply because she has decided that she does not believe that the two of you should have sex. If she will do that now, you can rest assured that your sex life will not be wild and lusty post-marriage.

 

I hear what you are saying... really I do. But you aren't with us when we are together. There is plenty of passion. It just doesn't lead to sex all the time. On one hand I agree with you and on the other I don't. We go all the way up to me putting it in her ****. To be honest, I don't mind it because I'm not wanting an unplanned pregnancy. So is that so bad?

 

If you are viewing this as more of an arrangement, like you are, you are not really in love with this woman. She is not in love with you, either, she is in love with the idea of the house, kids, and white picket fence.

 

Yes I agree. The IDEA of marriage is more romantic than the act itself. I can assure you all I won't rush into this. I'm just weighing the options in my head at this point and trying to practice a little wisdom.

[Hot Chick]

Yes if youngskywalker is satisfied with the intimacy they do have, then that is not the problem. He seems fine with that.