bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I don't know for sure if she should tell her husband....maybe one of the consequences is that she has to keep it to herself, not do any more harm to her family than she already has, and let her guilt over this eat her alive for the rest of her marriage. I used to think that telling the truth about an affair was the best thing. But that gives the cheater a chance to dump it out and justify what she did and then she no longer has to deal with it. Except for the fallout from dumping this on the betrayed spouse. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I just think that is this woman is going to commit to make her marriage work, then she needs to always remember what she has done and live with it. Oh come on. She has already harmed her family. She took time away from them and forced her husband to live a lie. Telling means she does have to deal with it. The emotions of the spouse, the turmoil of an unsettling situation and the problems in the marriage. She also gives the person a choice about whether he wants to be with someone so dishonest, conniving and disrespectful. Doesn't he have the right to decide who he wants to associate with, including sleeping next to a person like that. She isn't going to commit to anything but covering her behind to keep it from dealing with the mess she created.
cutily Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Huh, I'm really sorry, but it seems like a lot of people have really low expectations when it comes to marriage. If I had to give the OP my personal opinion, leave your husband right now and stop living in the fantasy that you can make your marriage work - IT WON'T EVER WORK! You had an affair for 2 years, hello!! Wake up and realize that it's been 2 years that your marriage is dead! Now you want to work on it but you're hurt because you feel like your lover was harsh!!! Don't listen to the other caring and hypocrite posters, you are deeply emotionally linked to this lover and your marriage will never recover after that. You will just fake happiness and amnesia. You'd better divorce and work on making it the smoothest possible for your kids instead of trying to make something doomed work. It will be way less work!
Bryanp Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Why do I get the feeling that you have not told your husband? You have been in a sexual affair for two years and have put your husband's health at risk for STD's and have played him for a total fool. How about being honest with your husband? What a novel concept. Don't you think he deserves to know so he can make decisions about his life as well? It is not all about you. You and your husband need to get tested for STD's. Your husband has my sympathy.
cutily Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I really don't get the "STDs" comments you put everywhere!!! Why do you think everybody should get tested for STDs if they had sex with protection, being unfaithful doesn't mean being suicidal and completely stupid!
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I really don't get the "STDs" comments you put everywhere!!! Why do you think everybody should get tested for STDs if they had sex with protection, being unfaithful doesn't mean being suicidal and completely stupid! Nope just partially stupid. The problem is that many don't use protection(as evidenced by the pregnancies and STD's that the BS acquire mysteriously) and the other thing is since when was protection 100% effective. I would have loved for them not to take that chance with my life or the life that I had with my children. If they want to shot themselves in the groin.....so be it. But I didn't put my vagina on the open market.
PegNosePete Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 There are STDs which condoms do not protect from.
manup Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Honesty is always best, the family deserves to know why the marriage went south period. All of this don't tell guilt nonsense is bs.
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Nope just partially stupid. The problem is that many don't use protection(as evidenced by the pregnancies and STD's that the BS acquire mysteriously) and the other thing is since when was protection 100% effective. I would have loved for them not to take that chance with my life or the life that I had with my children. If they want to shot themselves in the groin.....so be it. But I didn't put my vagina on the open market. You engage in unsafe sexual practices...you put yourself at risk....period. If you are so concerned with STDs then why not get checked regardless of whether you know you got cheated on or not? Because you are having unprotected sex and unless you are with your spouse 24/7, you really have no idea what they may be up to when your not looking.
Saul Goodman Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I assume that you haven't told your husband. I presume that you don't intend on telling him. Better hope that he doesn't find out on his own like I did. When your plan is basically "hope that nobody finds out", you know that you are treading on thin ice. I don't know for sure if she should tell her husband....maybe one of the consequences is that she has to keep it to herself, not do any more harm to her family than she already has, and let her guilt over this eat her alive for the rest of her marriage.Ah yes, what a marriage and life that would be. Let guilt destroy you from the inside out, and treat your husband like an ignorant ignoramus.
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You engage in unsafe sexual practices...you put yourself at risk....period. If you are so concerned with STDs then why not get checked regardless of whether you know you got cheated on or not? Because you are having unprotected sex and unless you are with your spouse 24/7, you really have no idea what they may be up to when your not looking. Actually SC, I was tested. Not because of what I believed he had done but because of my own past prior to our marriage. Then I was tested each time I became pregnant,( must admit the 80's were a decade of hysteria about HIV/AIDS and I was no less fearful than most Americans.) I never thought he would cheat since it was a conversation that we had every year on our anniversary about taking care of each other and the ways to improve. What can I say, I was fooled by a master NPD. Won't happen again. He taught me well.
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You engage in unsafe sexual practices...you put yourself at risk....period. If you are so concerned with STDs then why not get checked regardless of whether you know you got cheated on or not? Because you are having unprotected sex and unless you are with your spouse 24/7, you really have no idea what they may be up to when your not looking. I am curious though. If I had practiced what I believe to be the safest sex(which is no sex) wouldn't I have been accused of denying him sexual fulfilment? So what would you do in my position. Have sex with a person who I don't know doing things when I am not looking or use a condom that isn't 100% or not have sex at all to protect myself since I don't want to get something I couldn't get rid of? So my reasonable expectation of fidelity before marriage should have been dismissed ? Did I assume the risk by having sex with husband who said he was faithful? Wouldn't this be a lose/lose situation for a spouse who expects fidelity, tries to have a normal sexual relationship with their spouse, but puts their own life at risk?
half_ofa_heart Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hey seren---that was CLASS with a capital C. If you look up CLASS in the dictionary... I'm sure Seren is listed as the synonym
DepressedinDenver Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I don't know for sure if she should tell her husband....maybe one of the consequences is that she has to keep it to herself, not do any more harm to her family than she already has, and let her guilt over this eat her alive for the rest of her marriage. I used to think that telling the truth about an affair was the best thing. But that gives the cheater a chance to dump it out and justify what she did and then she no longer has to deal with it. Except for the fallout from dumping this on the betrayed spouse. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I just think that is this woman is going to commit to make her marriage work, then she needs to always remember what she has done and live with it. You're wrong.
Memphis Raines Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Is the OM's above reaction appropriate or not an indication of "true love"? So much for working on your marriage. You shouldn't be focusing on what the OM thinks. You should be focusing on your husband. you know what, just give your husband a divorce and set him free.
DepressedinDenver Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So much for working on your marriage. You shouldn't be focusing on what the OM thinks. You should be focusing on your husband. you know what, just give your husband a divorce and set him free. I agree completely. The marriage has been dying a slow death for 2 years already thanks to you and you are not going to revive it iff you don't tell him and the marriage will flatline if he finds out from someone else.
itmustbeme Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hi - Just recently ended a 2-year affair (can see my other posts). The OM very much wanted me to divorce my H. I love the OM but also love my family. I never had major problems in my marriage - yes, there were some problems, though, but in retrospect, I could have worked on them. I was naive and immature, though, and couldn't recognize this and instead stupidly chose to have an affair. In the meantime, I fell in love with the OM. He has many times called me his best friend, soulmate, love of his life, and that he wanted to be with me forever. I felt being in affair was clouding my perception of life with my husband and kids. After all, an AP is usually fun; there are no responsibilities or chores, the sex is amazing, there are wonderful uninterrupted conversations, life is all about you and your AP. You don't both fall asleep on the couch after spending all day taking care of your kids, all of your conversations don't center around the kids, you don't have to deal with any real responsibilities. Because of all this and maybe other things like a real connection between myself and the OM, I felt like I was in love with the OM and not in love with my husband. Certainly, at the very least, I felt much more excited being around the OM than my H, although honestly, what else can be expected since I have been with my H for greater than 10 years. After many months and tons of thinking and even IC, I thought the best decision was to try to work on my marriage (and really try for 6-12 months) and then if I was still unsatisfied, only then should I consider a divorce. I felt I owed my husband and children (and myself) this much. When I told the OM this, he was understandably very upset by my decision. I guess I was a bit taken aback when he said, "Do you think you're going to call me in 6 months, and I'll be around?" "I'm not going to be second best; I want to be with someone who definitely wants to be with me." When I somewhat not seriously asked if he will be having sex with other girls, he said, "that might definitely happen." I never would ever expect him to "wait around" for me, since I am NC with him. However, I thought his reaction was harsh and did not fit with his previous statements toward me, that I was the love of his life, etc. I thought that if I were in the same situation (from his end), while being extremely upset and disappointed, I would understand and think that if we are meant to be, we will be together at some point. That is how I viewed it - that if I was still constantly thinking about the OM after TRULY working on my marriage (and NC with the OM), then it is definitely time to divorce. Is the OM's above reaction appropriate or not an indication of "true love"? As I read this I am always amazed at how people treat people. You have had a long affair and met your soul mate. Of course you do know how to cure a nymphomaniac don't you? Marry them! Let me ask you this. Can you please tell me what a piece of **** your husband is? Can you please describe to me what kind of man deserves to be treated like this. He must really suck as a human being. To deserve to be treated that bad he must beat you and your children. Run around screwing other people. Can you please tell me why you would want to stay with a man you would treat like that. I think you should let your husband go and be with Mr. Wonderful OM. Although after a while he will get tired of hitting "It". But don't worry about that well except the fact that he has been known to sleep with married women. But I am sure that is past him and when you are together he won't think about cheating. And I am sure that you won't get tired of him and start cheating with another soul mate. Really though just let your husband go. He obviously is not a man. He probably only does stupid things like go to work come home and support his family. A boring guy. He should expect that his wife should go sleep with other men. Guys like your husband are such losers how could any woman love a man like that. From what you have written about the OM your husband just does not cut it. I almost feel sorry for your husband but I don't because well he must be a piece of crap. But maybe I am wrong since I don't know him. I just hope you don't have a son or a daughter that gets treated like this in their marriage. Because that would be a real shame. But you can hardly blame their spouses if they meet their soul mate and have great sex. Now I am going to go thank my lucky stars that I divorced my wife.
michelangelo Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Oh come on. She has already harmed her family. She took time away from them and forced her husband to live a lie. Telling means she does have to deal with it. The emotions of the spouse, the turmoil of an unsettling situation and the problems in the marriage. She also gives the person a choice about whether he wants to be with someone so dishonest, conniving and disrespectful. Doesn't he have the right to decide who he wants to associate with, including sleeping next to a person like that. She isn't going to commit to anything but covering her behind to keep it from dealing with the mess she created. I agree. She needs to tell her husband and let him decide if he wants to keep her or not. she owes him the truth of his life and a chance to get checked for STDs. But I'd bet my left nut she will not tell him a darn thing. BTW, I too thought it was really funny that she is miffed that the guy helping her cheat will be seeking other women now that she is not available. Hysterical.
nyrias Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I agree. She needs to tell her husband and let him decide if he wants to keep her or not. she owes him the truth of his life and a chance to get checked for STDs. But I'd bet my left nut she will not tell him a darn thing. BTW, I too thought it was really funny that she is miffed that the guy helping her cheat will be seeking other women now that she is not available. Hysterical. She does not "need" to do anything. YOU will like her to do that. No one in this earth "needs" to do the right thing. Some will. Some won't. Probably most won't. It is that simple. Of course she won't tell. There is no upside unless she feels a lot of guilt. Of course she will bear the consequences.
michelangelo Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 She does not "need" to do anything. YOU will like her to do that. No one in this earth "needs" to do the right thing. Some will. Some won't. Probably most won't. It is that simple. Of course she won't tell. There is no upside unless she feels a lot of guilt. Of course she will bear the consequences. What was the point of you quibbling with what I wrote? Just to point out that the world is filled with crappy behavior and it's up to her to whatever she wants to do? Of course I was presuming the ethical decision and course of action. Why? Because sometimes pointing out the seemingly obvious sinks in.
woinlove Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 She does not "need" to do anything. YOU will like her to do that. No one in this earth "needs" to do the right thing. Some will. Some won't. Probably most won't. It is that simple. Of course she won't tell. There is no upside unless she feels a lot of guilt. Of course she will bear the consequences. Doesn't it depend on what kind of marriage she wants? A marriage with that kind of ongoing deception is likely to always lack intimacy and leave needs unfilled, passion stifled, no matter how much she resolves to try to make it otherwise. Of course, if she tells, she may not have any kind of marriage at all, depending on what her H chooses. But if he chose to stay married and rebuild, at least there is a chance it could become an intimate marriage, based on honesty and sharing.
Severely Unamused Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) What was the point of you quibbling with what I wrote?Ego masturbation. You've just discovered nyrias' MO. Doesn't it depend on what kind of marriage she wants? A marriage with that kind of ongoing deception is likely to always lack intimacy and leave needs unfilled, passion stifled, no matter how much she resolves to try to make it otherwise. Of course, if she tells, she may not have any kind of marriage at all, depending on what her H chooses. But if he chose to stay married and rebuild, at least there is a chance it could become an intimate marriage, based on honesty and sharing. At this rate, it doesn't take a genius to see that their marriage is going to remain messed up for its remaining duration. Presumably, both puzzle and her husband will have to change their behaviour and actions, for the marriage to develop. Puzzle wasn't honest during her affair. What makes you think that she will be honest after it? Nope, the marriage will most likely stagnate and die a slow death. If it hasn't already. Perhaps I will be proven wrong though. Wouldn't that be something? Edited August 3, 2011 by Severely Unamused
woinlove Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Ego masturbation. You've just discovered nyrias' MO. At this rate, it doesn't take a genius to see that their marriage is going to remain messed up for its remaining duration. Presumably, both puzzle and her husband will have to change their behaviour and actions, for the marriage to develop. Puzzle wasn't honest during her affair. What makes you think that she will be honest after it? Nope, the marriage will most likely stagnate and die a slow death. If it hasn't already. Perhaps I will be proven wrong though. Wouldn't that be something? Yes, it would be something. I don't expect puzzle to be honest now and, consequently, don't expect her marriage to be fulfilling, but I feel compelled to toss out an alternative, on the unlikely chance that it might linger and she might twig sometime.
Severely Unamused Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Yes, it would be something. I don't expect puzzle to be honest now and, consequently, don't expect her marriage to be fulfilling, but I feel compelled to toss out an alternative, on the unlikely chance that it might linger and she might twig sometime. I would like to hope that puzzle takes in your thoughtful advice. Presumably, she will follow the "what my husband doesn't know, can't hurt him" train of thought. And what my husband doesn't know, he can't refute.
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