puzzlepiece Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hi - Just recently ended a 2-year affair (can see my other posts). The OM very much wanted me to divorce my H. I love the OM but also love my family. I never had major problems in my marriage - yes, there were some problems, though, but in retrospect, I could have worked on them. I was naive and immature, though, and couldn't recognize this and instead stupidly chose to have an affair. In the meantime, I fell in love with the OM. He has many times called me his best friend, soulmate, love of his life, and that he wanted to be with me forever. I felt being in affair was clouding my perception of life with my husband and kids. After all, an AP is usually fun; there are no responsibilities or chores, the sex is amazing, there are wonderful uninterrupted conversations, life is all about you and your AP. You don't both fall asleep on the couch after spending all day taking care of your kids, all of your conversations don't center around the kids, you don't have to deal with any real responsibilities. Because of all this and maybe other things like a real connection between myself and the OM, I felt like I was in love with the OM and not in love with my husband. Certainly, at the very least, I felt much more excited being around the OM than my H, although honestly, what else can be expected since I have been with my H for greater than 10 years. After many months and tons of thinking and even IC, I thought the best decision was to try to work on my marriage (and really try for 6-12 months) and then if I was still unsatisfied, only then should I consider a divorce. I felt I owed my husband and children (and myself) this much. When I told the OM this, he was understandably very upset by my decision. I guess I was a bit taken aback when he said, "Do you think you're going to call me in 6 months, and I'll be around?" "I'm not going to be second best; I want to be with someone who definitely wants to be with me." When I somewhat not seriously asked if he will be having sex with other girls, he said, "that might definitely happen." I never would ever expect him to "wait around" for me, since I am NC with him. However, I thought his reaction was harsh and did not fit with his previous statements toward me, that I was the love of his life, etc. I thought that if I were in the same situation (from his end), while being extremely upset and disappointed, I would understand and think that if we are meant to be, we will be together at some point. That is how I viewed it - that if I was still constantly thinking about the OM after TRULY working on my marriage (and NC with the OM), then it is definitely time to divorce. Is the OM's above reaction appropriate or not an indication of "true love"?
Silly_Girl Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 It's as big a statement of love for you as your decision to stay with your husband is proof of your love for your OM. You can't expect someone to hang around indefinitely and remain committed to you on the back of an 'If'. I've been in your AP's shoes and I moved on because that's life. You have to accept that phase is over, if it's over. Really, if you want to commit to your marriage it is better that your AP goes and does his own thing else it will be a superficial move on your part and achieve nothing for anyone except upset and time-wasting.
DepressedinDenver Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Please leave your husband. Its what you want and he deserves at least a little f***ing respect from you.
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hi - Just recently ended a 2-year affair (can see my other posts). The OM very much wanted me to divorce my H. I love the OM but also love my family. I never had major problems in my marriage - yes, there were some problems, though, but in retrospect, I could have worked on them. I was naive and immature, though, and couldn't recognize this and instead stupidly chose to have an affair. In the meantime, I fell in love with the OM. He has many times called me his best friend, soulmate, love of his life, and that he wanted to be with me forever. I felt being in affair was clouding my perception of life with my husband and kids. After all, an AP is usually fun; there are no responsibilities or chores, the sex is amazing, there are wonderful uninterrupted conversations, life is all about you and your AP. You don't both fall asleep on the couch after spending all day taking care of your kids, all of your conversations don't center around the kids, you don't have to deal with any real responsibilities. Because of all this and maybe other things like a real connection between myself and the OM, I felt like I was in love with the OM and not in love with my husband. Certainly, at the very least, I felt much more excited being around the OM than my H, although honestly, what else can be expected since I have been with my H for greater than 10 years. After many months and tons of thinking and even IC, I thought the best decision was to try to work on my marriage (and really try for 6-12 months) and then if I was still unsatisfied, only then should I consider a divorce. I felt I owed my husband and children (and myself) this much. When I told the OM this, he was understandably very upset by my decision. I guess I was a bit taken aback when he said, "Do you think you're going to call me in 6 months, and I'll be around?" "I'm not going to be second best; I want to be with someone who definitely wants to be with me." When I somewhat not seriously asked if he will be having sex with other girls, he said, "that might definitely happen." I never would ever expect him to "wait around" for me, since I am NC with him. However, I thought his reaction was harsh and did not fit with his previous statements toward me, that I was the love of his life, etc. I thought that if I were in the same situation (from his end), while being extremely upset and disappointed, I would understand and think that if we are meant to be, we will be together at some point. That is how I viewed it - that if I was still constantly thinking about the OM after TRULY working on my marriage (and NC with the OM), then it is definitely time to divorce. Is the OM's above reaction appropriate or not an indication of "true love"? His reactions are of one who wants more and realized that he was always just second string and has lost....its to be expected when feelings and emotion gets involved and one comes to such a realization. Hes looking out for himself which is normal Is it "True Love"?....who knows.... But know this.. the OM is fantasy land....he may turn out to be no different or perhaps even "worse" than your H. Not to say your H is "bad" but clearly something is out of tilt. So how are you sure that you are in love with the OM rather than in love with the situation surrounding him? If work on your marriage is what you deem to be most important at this time then you have to proceed without looking back....Dont get clouded by euphoric concepts like "love"...you have to be logical
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Why would you assume that his reaction was over the top? He was invested in you. And you are invested in you. What's the problem again?
chalkfarm Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I guess I was a bit taken aback when he said, "Do you think you're going to call me in 6 months, and I'll be around?" "I'm not going to be second best; I want to be with someone who definitely wants to be with me." When I somewhat not seriously asked if he will be having sex with other girls, he said, "that might definitely happen." I never would ever expect him to "wait around" for me, since I am NC with him. However, I thought his reaction was harsh and did not fit with his previous statements toward me, that I was the love of his life, etc. I thought that if I were in the same situation (from his end), while being extremely upset and disappointed, I would understand and think that if we are meant to be, we will be together at some point. That is how I viewed it - that if I was still constantly thinking about the OM after TRULY working on my marriage (and NC with the OM), then it is definitely time to divorce. Is the OM's above reaction appropriate or not an indication of "true love"? What did you expect for him to say? What did/do you expect him to do? Seems to me that he was honest with you - "I won't wait. You can't ask me to wait. I won't be second choice. I will date other women and I will have sex with them." I must applaud him for his point blank honesty. You say that you would never expect him to wait around for you but isn't that what you are saying? You seem hurt that he didn't say he would lay down his life and wait forever..... that's a fairy tale. He has a life to live. My guess would be that you made him promises that you didn't keep and you hurt his feelings by lying to him. If he then says he won't wait.... too bad. As for whether he feels love for you, who knows.
chalkfarm Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Why would you assume that his reaction was over the top? He was invested in you. And you are invested in you. What's the problem again? Absolutely agree! I think his response was VERY VERY kind to you!
jnj express Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 What is wrong with all of you---you sit here talking about her OM, like he deserved some respect---DID ALL OF YOU FORGET---that her OM, enabled her to carry on a 2 yr. A. on her children--- Nowhere in that wondrous little speech of hers, did I hear her say one decent thing about her H., or her children, cept that all of a sudden she is facing reality----obviously she has figured out there was no future with her lover, for more than likely he wouldn't stand up to the test of reality, any more than her H. has---but the trajedy here is, what she has done to her children She has spent 2 yrs sneaking, conniving, decieving, lying, manipulating, and planning how to run away from her responsibilities, as a mother, and wife, with the AID of her lover, and all of you seem so worried, about the scumbag----by now he is probably out wrecking another mge.---are you all gonna applaud him for his wondrous acts of helping these married women in their, BS, PHONY, TIME OF NEED Her H. has taken her back, and given her the greatest gift she can have---A 2ND CHANCE---and all I saw here was her being worried about her lover, and you all went right on down that same path with her!!!!!!!
Bugz Bunny Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Does your Husband know about the affair.If not,you should tell him because he deserves the truth so that he can make his own decision to work on the M or not. No one deserves to live in a lie and especially not for so long as your husband.So if you still have a little bit respect for him you should tell him the truth. And I wish you luck because you made terrible life decision with this affair and you damaged hurt and betrayed innocent people that truly love you (your family)... P.S. I pray for your children because they will suffer no matter how this situation comes out in the end...and believe me the OM doesnt love you (he loves only himself) because if you love someone you dont broke his family and cause pain to his children (and that will happen sooner or later)...
jnj express Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Let me apologize ahead of time---not all of you spoke positively of her scumbag lover----just some of you.
seren Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Reading the OP my immediate thought was, so, life with the H was ordinary and the A was an escape to the fluttery, la la land that some A's have. Of course the time with the OM was going to be anything other than ordinary. Married life is ordinary and sometimes comfortable and safe and can be mundane, but it can also be, funny, warm, satisfying and the recipe for a contented life. It can also have passion and romance. But it's roots are in a shared understanding and those who are in for the long game, understand that the long conversations can sometimes concentrate on the kids, family issues, money problems, stress and a thousand and one things that life throws at us. In those times the comfortable, safe marriage is an anchor and the couple who have a marriage rooted in this are unshakeable. Seems to me that the OM was happy to be in the A when the focus was all on him and the rush of the A, but the long haul? No and why should he be, who the hell wants to ever be second best. Not me and it's why many BS say either end it or leave. I don't know of many BS who would be happy to stick around while their partner makes their mind up, don't see why the OM should be either. In fact it's one of the things I have never, ever understood about A's OP, does you H know that you have had a 2 year A? Has he been taking care of things thinking you and he were singing from the same hymn sheet regarding your marriage. You gave the OM the truth that you were working on your marriage, shouldn't you and couldn't you afford the same to your H? Or are you afraid he wouldn't stick around, you might find that the safety of your marriage gave you the opportunity to have your cake and eat it. I think that the intensity of an A is not 'True Love' true love couldn't share, not willingly. For me, the la la land version of True Love was best demonstrated by a friend of mine who on learning we were to live in our lovely house, saw us picking veg and fruit from our garden, having Pimms on the lawn, getting eggs and veg in a trug and living the good life. Reality is, to stay warm in the winter we have to haul and chop a whole forest of wood, chickens need cleaning and feeding regardless of the wet weather and flies, veg has to be planted, which means much digging and fertilising, flies land in the Pimms and the dash to the woodshed and chickens often sees me in a grubby fleece, rain lashed, dirty and looking like a mad woman. No floaty frocks here and welcome to the real world. But we wouldn't have it any other day, and the feelings of contentment and love come when we just look at each other and know that we are two halves of a whole, bickering and crabby behaviour and all. It's what most marriages are like, time to break out of the fantasy, time to see if your H would in fact stick around while you begin repairing your M.
Woman In Blue Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Her H. has taken her back, and given her the greatest gift she can have---A 2ND CHANCE---and all I saw here was her being worried about her lover, and you all went right on down that same path with her!!!!!!! First of all, I see NOWHERE in the OP's post anything about her husband 'taking her back and giving her a 2nd chance.' Unless it's in her posting history which I haven't read - but in this thread, I see nothing indicating that her H even knows about her affair. Secondly, the OP's question was whether lover boy was over the top in his response to her question/request as to whether he'd sit home in a dark corner and not date anyone while she plays happy wife and mommy to her family, trying to fix her marriage for the next 6 months to a year. The posters were answering THAT question. Please don't get me wrong - I think the guy is a scumbag for completely disrespecting another man's marriage and family by sneaking around with his wife like a little weasel. But I find her question about her OM's 'loyalty' pretty amusing, so I'll answer it with another question. OP - how many people (men or women) would be happy to sit at home while their supposed 'soulmate' (God, that term is so freakin CLICHE in these affairs!!!) is living with and and sleeping with their spouse, working on their marriage and giving all their effort to that relationship? Would you sit at home, night after night, week after week, month after month watching reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies while your "soulmate" is putting all their efforts into someone ELSE? I think not. And I think you'd better leave the "true love" phrase for the Harlequin Romance book writers.
Author puzzlepiece Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 Wow - thanks to everyone for your posts. I hear your message loud and clear. Being fresh off of this affair, it is hard for me not to get thoughts of the OM out of my head, but it sounds like I need to try harder. And I am going to regard his response as completely appropriate and normal. Thanks again. Of course, my desire is to get my marriage back on track and devote all my thoughts and energies to my husband and kids. For the next 3 weeks (only), I still have to work with the OM, and while we talk very little, we can't be NC at this time. This is making it difficult for me to completely stop thinking about the OM. I can only hope that once I leave this job, that happens.
reboot Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I certainly hope "working on your marriage" includes telling your husband about the affair. He deserves to know.
PegNosePete Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 For the next 3 weeks (only), I still have to work with the OM, and while we talk very little, we can't be NC at this time. Quit your job. And yes, hope you have told your husband all about your affair? What does he think?
StoneCold Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Quit your job. If she has something else lined up then ok.... but to just quit your job like that?....not a good move
Kidd Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I certainly hope "working on your marriage" includes telling your husband about the affair. He deserves to know. Exactly. You're not working on your M if you are still hiding a relationship you just ended with another man. This is your next difficult task. There are lots more.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Why not ask your employer to save your job for you for six months while you put all of your efforts into another job, just incase it doesn't work out for you. Ask them not to replace you, just do without your position and suck it up! Is your OM allowed to love himself, because your actions prove you don't love him. I can't believe anyone would have the guts to ask someone that! And then to call it love!
Bugz Bunny Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 it is hard for me not to get thoughts of the OM out of my head For the next 3 weeks (only), I still have to work with the OM, and while we talk very little, we can't be NC at this time. This is making it difficult for me to completely stop thinking about the OM. I can only hope that once I leave this job, that happens. When you have this thoughts of the OM,and when you think that this is difficult simply start thinking about your children and how this affects them and you will immediately feel better... Be strong and keep working on yourself and your family...
Chi townD Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I assume that your husband doesn't know about the affair. You better tell him pretty soon. You hurt this guy, and the more time that goes by, there's a possibility he will get angry enough to tell your husband. Phone call, certified letter, e-mail. He might think that if he exposes the affair, your husband will leave you and you'll come back to him. Or to make you hurt as much as you hurt him. Tell your husband.
shayla Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I don't know for sure if she should tell her husband....maybe one of the consequences is that she has to keep it to herself, not do any more harm to her family than she already has, and let her guilt over this eat her alive for the rest of her marriage. I used to think that telling the truth about an affair was the best thing. But that gives the cheater a chance to dump it out and justify what she did and then she no longer has to deal with it. Except for the fallout from dumping this on the betrayed spouse. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I just think that is this woman is going to commit to make her marriage work, then she needs to always remember what she has done and live with it.
bentnotbroken Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 What is wrong with all of you---you sit here talking about her OM, like he deserved some respect---DID ALL OF YOU FORGET---that her OM, enabled her to carry on a 2 yr. A. on her children--- Nowhere in that wondrous little speech of hers, did I hear her say one decent thing about her H., or her children, cept that all of a sudden she is facing reality----obviously she has figured out there was no future with her lover, for more than likely he wouldn't stand up to the test of reality, any more than her H. has---but the trajedy here is, what she has done to her children She has spent 2 yrs sneaking, conniving, decieving, lying, manipulating, and planning how to run away from her responsibilities, as a mother, and wife, with the AID of her lover, and all of you seem so worried, about the scumbag----by now he is probably out wrecking another mge.---are you all gonna applaud him for his wondrous acts of helping these married women in their, BS, PHONY, TIME OF NEED Her H. has taken her back, and given her the greatest gift she can have---A 2ND CHANCE---and all I saw here was her being worried about her lover, and you all went right on down that same path with her!!!!!!! Nope, didn't forget that for one minute. I just found her post about him being over the top was arrogant and full of something. As if her having an long term affair wasn't over the top. Her husband is in the dark....for now. That OM is pissed, how much would you like to bet that her husband won't be in the dark for a lot longer.
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