fire_fly Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) I already started my first thread on the infidelity board as I wasn't sure where to start. but I had an affair for about a month. Its been almost a month of NC, we work together but only a few hours a week and I barely see him. I just got a new job though because I need to complete the NC. The pay is almost a 100% increase, so it'll be a good opportunity for me and hopefully it'll help with everything else. It started out when I was drunk one time and barely remember having sex with my friend. He said he couldn't resist my advances any longer, which I barely remember. The next morning it was like...I really screwed up. and just kept doing it. We have been in a mostly sexless relationship for awhile...sex a couple times a month at most. I tried talking to him about it, his options, but nothing seemed to get thru to him. I backed off. That didn't really help either. Its very hard because that bond was important to me and there was no compromise. My STBH is low libido due to only having one testicle and he finally got on an anti-depressant last year. I would like him to get tested for low T but it was hard enough to have him get on meds. I feel like the low T might be behind a lot of his problems. We broke up briefly due to him being so depressed that he hadn't worked in 9 months and gained a ton of weight. I was really depressed about it. but I had finally started getting help for my anxiety and OCD. We separated for about 2 months but talked online a lot. We've been together for 11 years and got engaged last year. Our sex life crashed and burned in the last couple of years. I know some of that is normal, some from the meds, etc. but its been very hard for me. I didn't plan on having sex outside the relationship because I was sexually frustrated or anything. but my xAP just fed everything that felt neglected. I confessed what happened to my STBH last night because I couldn't hold it in anymore. He is such a great guy and I was very selfish for having an affair. I have been touching base with him through emails and he's not really speaking to me all that much yet. Its only been about 24 hours and I am a wreck. When my guy gets mad, he gets silent. and it drives me insane but Im trying to be patient and hope that he wants to reconcile. I know that's his decision but we'll have to wait and see. I already had set up couple's therapy and we have an appointment on Thursday. He didn't confirm he was going but he didn't say no. I really hope he decides to come in with me. I am not going to pressure him about it but I believe we need this to find better ways of communicating. I was wrong, there is no excuse for my actions. I am continuing to work on what happened leading up to it. I am in IC and I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting this evening. I wish there was hope. Edited August 2, 2011 by fire_fly added details.
Tenacity Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I already started my first thread on the infidelity board as I wasn't sure where to start. but I had an affair for about a month. Its been almost a month of NC, we work together but only a few hours a week and I barely see him. I just got a new job though because I need to complete the NC. The pay is almost a 100% increase, so it'll be a good opportunity for me and hopefully it'll help with everything else. It started out when I was drunk one time and barely remember having sex with my friend. He said he couldn't resist my advances any longer, which I barely remember. The next morning it was like...I really screwed up. and just kept doing it. We have been in a mostly sexless relationship for awhile...sex a couple times a month at most. I tried talking to him about it, his options, but nothing seemed to get thru to him. I backed off. That didn't really help either. Its very hard because that bond was important to me and there was no compromise. My STBH is low libido due to only having one testicle and he finally got on an anti-depressant last year. I would like him to get tested for low T but it was hard enough to have him get on meds. I feel like the low T might be behind a lot of his problems. We broke up briefly due to him being so depressed that he hadn't worked in 9 months and gained a ton of weight. I was really depressed about it. but I had finally started getting help for my anxiety and OCD. We separated for about 2 months but talked online a lot. We've been together for 11 years and got engaged last year. Our sex life crashed and burned in the last couple of years. I know some of that is normal, some from the meds, etc. but its been very hard for me. I didn't plan on having sex outside the relationship because I was sexually frustrated or anything. but my xAP just fed everything that felt neglected. I confessed what happened to my STBH last night because I couldn't hold it in anymore. He is such a great guy and I was very selfish for having an affair. I have been touching base with him through emails and he's not really speaking to me all that much yet. Its only been about 24 hours and I am a wreck. When my guy gets mad, he gets silent. and it drives me insane but Im trying to be patient and hope that he wants to reconcile. I know that's his decision but we'll have to wait and see. I already had set up couple's therapy and we have an appointment on Thursday. He didn't confirm he was going but he didn't say no. I really hope he decides to come in with me. I am not going to pressure him about it but I believe we need this to find better ways of communicating. I was wrong, there is no excuse for my actions. I am continuing to work on what happened leading up to it. I am in IC and I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting this evening. I wish there was hope. But there IS hope. There is really so much to your post that it's hard to comment on and absorb it all. You said you attended your first Al-Anon meeting. You are an alcoholic? Don't you see that there is hope? Look at all the steps you have taken. You have broken off the affair, you are in counseling, you came clean to your STBH, you made it clear to him that you want to work on the relationship. You scheduled appointments for counseling together! You went to an Al-Anon meeting. You are looking towards possible medical resolutions to your STBH's condition. You sound like a very strong woman who knows what she wants and is taking steps to achieve it. I do know that probably right now you are not sure if this is what you do want.
Author fire_fly Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 But there IS hope. There is really so much to your post that it's hard to comment on and absorb it all. You said you attended your first Al-Anon meeting. You are an alcoholic? Don't you see that there is hope? Look at all the steps you have taken. You have broken off the affair, you are in counseling, you came clean to your STBH, you made it clear to him that you want to work on the relationship. You scheduled appointments for counseling together! You went to an Al-Anon meeting. You are looking towards possible medical resolutions to your STBH's condition. You sound like a very strong woman who knows what she wants and is taking steps to achieve it. I do know that probably right now you are not sure if this is what you do want. Al-Anon is for those who have a friend or loved one that is an alcoholic. My father is an alcoholic. Because of how I grew up, it's affected my relationships and I have a hard time creating and keeping boundaries. I believe that is what ultimately led up to my affair. While I know I made poor choices, I can see where it stems from and I am working on that. Thank you for your kind response.
fooled once Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 You do have hope. But you have to also decide what you need to change about you so that you will not stray again. Regarding his low sex drive and depression; it is 'easy' to decide how people should be and what changes they should make. If you have never suffered with depression or a physical limitation, as someone who has, it affects every single part of your life. You eat, drink and breathe the low feelings; you would give your all to get out of it, yet the cycle continues. I know you have your needs too, which he can help you with or toys can be a part of your sex life. I just caution you to have such high expectations from him, especially with him suffering the mental issues he is going through. Both of you need to be totally open to changes, deciding what is non-negotiable (like cheating) and how you two are going to work together as a couple and individually. Either way, I think counseling is a good thing for you. I hope you and he can decide what is best for you each; individually and as a couple. I wish you well.
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