Lilmisus Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Okay, I KNOW y'all have told me that it's wrong to flirt with a guy that you have no intention of dating or anything, but how wrong is it to flirt if you've already told them that you're just goofing around and only see them as a friend? I'm good friends with quite a few of my coworkers, and one of them is a guy who I've gotten pretty close to this past month and a half. He's two weeks out of a long term relationship with his son's mother, but even while they were together he was a major flirt, not just with me but with most girls (especially my close friend). We have never hung out outside of work, but we do talk a lot through text or Facebook, and it's not uncommon for me to get a random drunk message or two from him every other night. The first time him and I really talked outside of work, was one of those "drunk messages" nights, and he confessed that he thought I was sweet and innocent and as good as a "nun" but was impressed because I'm so different than what he thought (which is good, I guess? He apparently still sees me as incredibly innocent and refuses to think differently of me). He came onto me hard that night, but I drew the line and according to him, he thought I had a boyfriend already, but was just being nice or whatever. Anyway, since then, him and I have talked a whole lot more, and like I said, he's become a close friend. He's given me more love advice than most of my friends, and is always encouraging me saying I'll meet a great guy, and that I'm a great girl. I also give him advice every now and then, but I mainly listen to him vent if anything. But, the flirting, and even sex talk has increased dramatically since him and his ex split, and what I thought was innocent flirting, wasn't too innocent on his end apparently. The other day, our conversation somehow made it's way to a talk of friends with benefits (I told him I was going to see the movie, but he originally thought I meant i had a fwb) and the convo turned very dirty, so much so he felt the need to stay away from me for a few days, till today really. Today, our conversation started with him asking for advice, which turned to me joking around with him about guys, and him asking why he only saw me as a friend and why he didn't try to hit on me since I'm all of this good stuff that he looked for in a girl. I told him I only saw him as a friend too so no worries, and soon after that talked to him about my ex and other guys, then our conversation got a little less than innocent again At the end of the conversation, he said that he was actually trying to come onto me, and said that he wishes that he could catch a girl's like my attention one day. He also asked that I forget about his flirting with me, and said that he didn't know what was wrong with him. I'm just so confused...multiple times since we've been friends we've both stressed that we were just friends and have been there for each other like friends basically should be. Today he even flat out told me that he only wanted to be friends (but later joked around saying I was looking for a fwb and to not lead him on and give him false hope), and I thought that we were on the agreement that we kid around, flirt and talk but that we will only stay friends. Was his saying all that just his way of not wanting to scare me away? To make matters worse, I kind of do have a crush on him, but I'm not looking for anything more than friendship because of the whole coworker thing. But seriously..what is he looking for from me? Just another female friend to flirt with, or does he really have a thing for me even though he said otherwise? I know the easy way to not worry about it anymore is to just stop flirting with him, but flirting isn't really the issue here, it's just..why is he doing it when I thought we were on the same page about things?
blueskyday Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Sounds to me like he DOES want a FWB kind of relationship and is testing the waters with you. Curb the sex talk if you only want him as a friend. I don't flirt sexually with my female friends, or my true male friends either. He's fishing....Make it clear to him that you are looking for a boyfriend (if you are.)
Zaphod B Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Bluesky is spot on. He's fishing and wants a FWB, but he's embarassed and worried about being rejected and humiliated, so he puts on this facade of humour just in case you knock him back, then he can say "Lighten up, I was only joking!" Is he a lot older than you? If so then it maybe that he wants it to be somethign more than FWB, but he doesn't want to look like a dirty old man.
Author Lilmisus Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I believe the poster likes her co worker quite a lot. The issue of mentioning they are friends is part of the game. Obstacles like that make the flirting more intense. I agree the guy wants to have sex with her. I believe the poster is playing dumb. I actually don't have like him a lot. A little crush, if that, but no more then that. There's just no chemistry there..he's way too tall and too much of a drinker for me to look past it. I really don't have a reason to lie about it, especially on here, so no point in wondering The notion that he wants to have sex with me isn't surprising, since it's kind of expected anytime a girl befriends a guy and flirts with him..I just didn't think that that's what he really wanted from me, if you get what I'm saying. Especially with the excess of "you're so innocent" talk he does all the time, and saying that he'll always picture me that way and still considers me a virgin. I've just felt that he wanted me to be a friend, that he can talk to and joke around with...but with the turn of the conversation tonight, it just took me by surprise.
Author Lilmisus Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 Bluesky is spot on. He's fishing and wants a FWB, but he's embarassed and worried about being rejected and humiliated, so he puts on this facade of humour just in case you knock him back, then he can say "Lighten up, I was only joking!" Is he a lot older than you? If so then it maybe that he wants it to be somethign more than FWB, but he doesn't want to look like a dirty old man. I think he's 22. I'm 21 so no, he's not a lot older. I hope that y'all aren't right though. I told him a month and a half ago that I don't want to get involved with another coworker and that I quit my job over my ex and didn't want to do that ever again. That was after he first tried flirting with me, and he basically said he understood and jumped into "love life advice giver" mode. Is that just part of his game?
mortensorchid Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You should severe ties with him as much as possible, a workplace situation is very tricky because you will be spending more time with him (and others that you work with) than anyone else. He is looking for something more than friends from you by this description. So be careful.
Zaphod B Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I think he's 22. I'm 21 so no, he's not a lot older. I hope that y'all aren't right though. I told him a month and a half ago that I don't want to get involved with another coworker and that I quit my job over my ex and didn't want to do that ever again. That was after he first tried flirting with me, and he basically said he understood and jumped into "love life advice giver" mode. Is that just part of his game? He doesn't want to come across as being a jerk trying to move in on you, but at the same time he really wants to. I think he's probably an ok guy and does respect you and care about you and is afraid of messing up the good friendship you have. He may be a little torn inside between remaining friends and acting on his desires, which would explain the inconsistency. I still reckon he's putting the feelers out to see if there is a chance he might be able to get lucky. Also he may be hoping you might change your mind about the work/worker relationship type thing.
Author Lilmisus Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 You should severe ties with him as much as possible, a workplace situation is very tricky because you will be spending more time with him (and others that you work with) than anyone else. He is looking for something more than friends from you by this description. So be careful. That's the one thing I don't want to do - end our friendship. I have quite a few friendships with guys, and a lot of them I'm able to talk about the same exact stuff, but it's understood between the rest that we're just friends and it will stay that way. But I do get what you're getting at, I don't want the same drama that my ex and I suffered from at my old job. I'm going to pretend each time I see him at work that nothing's wrong and that we're just friendly coworkers. He doesn't want to come across as being a jerk trying to move in on you, but at the same time he really wants to. I think he's probably an ok guy and does respect you and care about you and is afraid of messing up the good friendship you have. He may be a little torn inside between remaining friends and acting on his desires, which would explain the inconsistency. I still reckon he's putting the feelers out to see if there is a chance he might be able to get lucky. Also he may be hoping you might change your mind about the work/worker relationship type thing. He really is a good guy and a good friend, and he's been trying very hard to convince me that not all guys are jerks and that there are half-decent ones out there, and that I just need to find them. But another part of me is worried that he's just trying to make me "rebound girl" or "hookup girl" after his recent breakup with his ex (like I mentioned). If that's the case, then he's just lonely and somewhat desperate right now for some affection and attention. I haven't talked to him again tonight after he told me that he was going to go work out and hopefully by next winter he'll be able to get a girl like me to look his way But he just posted on his facebook one of the poems he writes saying how he loves his ex and whatnot sooooo.
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