aj22one Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 So I met this girl through some mutual friends. After a little while of talking and getting a little rapport going we exchanged phone numbers. The first time I asked her out she called me a few hours before the date was scheduled to tell me she couldn't make it because something had come up. Today when I asked her out she said she'd let me know because she might be busy cleaning. Now I realize that I was rejected. That's fine, it happens, she's just another girl who missed out. But, how stupid does she think I am? Aren't lame excuses like that just an insult to your intelligence? It's not the first time a girl has used this kind of excuse (hint: the same grandmother cannot die three times). So, what goes through someone's mind (male or female) when they give this kind of completely bogus excuse?
Nexus One Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I'm not sure it was actually meant as an insult to your intelligence, but rather a really obvious and rude rejection. She basically said: cleaning > you . (cleaning is more important than you are) There are ways to tactfully reject someone, that wasn't one.
Author aj22one Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I'm not sure it was actually meant as an insult to your intelligence, but rather a really obvious and rude rejection. She basically said: cleaning > you . (cleaning is more important than you are) There are ways to tactfully reject someone, that wasn't one. It would have been less rude to simply say "hey I'm not interested in doing anything with you". Simple, straight forward. I mean really...
thatone Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 you should've told her just that when she had an excuse the second time, that she should really work on better lies, because busy cleaning is a terrible one. who cares if you piss her off she's a flake anyways.
GG3 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I wouldn't say I'm cleaning but I would give an excuse as a turndown. If I had to do it a couple of times I would probably either say I was seeing someone or I only see you as a friend. No one wants to say, "I'm not interested in you." My own rule, is if someone gives me an excuse turndown say twice...then I decided for myself they aren't that interested.
thatone Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 there is no good excuse. if you're not interested in someone who approaches you why give him your phone number and agree to a first date? it makes no sense whatsoever, and is completely selfish, gutless, and dishonest.
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Today when I asked her out she said she'd let me know because she might be busy cleaning. Okay, that made me laugh. It's nearly as bad as a classic line from a Bette Davis film where she rejected a man: "I'd like to kiss ya but I just washed my hair."
Author aj22one Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I wouldn't say I'm cleaning but I would give an excuse as a turndown. If I had to do it a couple of times I would probably either say I was seeing someone or I only see you as a friend. No one wants to say, "I'm not interested in you." My own rule, is if someone gives me an excuse turndown say twice...then I decided for myself they aren't that interested. Obviously no one is going to say "I'm not interested in you". But a more tactful response would have been a vague "I have plans already" or something along those lines. If you're going to say I'm busy cleaning that day (or washing your hair, or clipping your toenails, etc.) you might as well say "I"m not interested" and end the charade. Unless you think the other person is dumb enough to think you really are too busy cleaning.
Author aj22one Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Okay, that made me laugh. It's nearly as bad as a classic line from a Bette Davis film where she rejected a man: "I'd like to kiss ya but I just washed my hair." That's pretty much all you can do is laugh at it you know? People are funny sometimes in how they do things.
Zaphod B Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So I met this girl through some mutual friends. After a little while of talking and getting a little rapport going we exchanged phone numbers. The first time I asked her out she called me a few hours before the date was scheduled to tell me she couldn't make it because something had come up. Today when I asked her out she said she'd let me know because she might be busy cleaning. Now I realize that I was rejected. That's fine, it happens, she's just another girl who missed out. But, how stupid does she think I am? Aren't lame excuses like that just an insult to your intelligence? It's not the first time a girl has used this kind of excuse (hint: the same grandmother cannot die three times). So, what goes through someone's mind (male or female) when they give this kind of completely bogus excuse? You are so lucky that at least you got some excuses! I've dealt with a some women who just suddenly ignore your text messages and emails, even when they seemed really keen a short while before and are saying "yeah, let's get together again" And then suddenly that's it. Ignored. I think many of them are just too spineless to tell you straight. In some ways I can understand, because many guys take rejection bad, so they are scared to flat out reject someone. But other times I think it's just straight out cold and heartless, especially when they seemed so keen before hand. I had one woman recently who was lovely and we had so much fun together. We even made out on our last date and she was all smiles about how lovely it was. She was very keen for another date, but then cancelled on me at the last moment. But then I suggested another date and she was saying how wonderful an idea it was, but then cancelled that one at the last minute to. From there she just ignored all my messages. I guess it all really just comes down to fear really. Not wanting to be put on the spot and having to explain your true reasons in case the guy/girl takes it bad.
phineas Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I would not of contacted her again after she flaked on me the first time.
Queen Zenobia Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 there is no good excuse. if you're not interested in someone who approaches you why give him your phone number and agree to a first date? it makes no sense whatsoever, and is completely selfish, gutless, and dishonest. My gut feeling (knowing some women who do this...not friends of mine mind you) is that it's about wanting the attention. Some women get off on having as many men as possible interested in them, texting/calling them, etc. And it isn't just the girls with the super model looks either, there's a lot of homely looking average women who do this too. I don't know who raised these women, but I was raised to not give my number out to guys I wasn't interested in or people who needed my number (for work or school, etc.) and that if I changed my mind about a guy not to string him along or make nonsense excuses like cleaning or having to bake a cake or whatever.
sm1tten Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I think it's attention-seeking as well. Then they're faced with "oh sh*t, I'm not actually interested in this guy, now what?" Of course, there are some who just chicken out or lose interest, too. I have definitely been guilty of the later, when I was younger. I'd be steamrolled by a guy and kind of thinking that I was interested, and then later thinking about it I'd be feeling a lot more meh about it. I wouldn't go so far as to schedule a date or pretend to be interested though.
KathyM Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So I met this girl through some mutual friends. After a little while of talking and getting a little rapport going we exchanged phone numbers. The first time I asked her out she called me a few hours before the date was scheduled to tell me she couldn't make it because something had come up. Today when I asked her out she said she'd let me know because she might be busy cleaning. Now I realize that I was rejected. That's fine, it happens, she's just another girl who missed out. But, how stupid does she think I am? Aren't lame excuses like that just an insult to your intelligence? It's not the first time a girl has used this kind of excuse (hint: the same grandmother cannot die three times). So, what goes through someone's mind (male or female) when they give this kind of completely bogus excuse? I think they purposely give lame excuses because they don't want to come right out and say that they don't want to go out with you to spare your feelings, supposedly, and they realize if they give a more plausible excuse, you might actually believe it and continue to call. I think it's kind of dumb. I think it would be better if they were honest with the person, and let them down in a nice way, such as saying I don't think we're a match, so maybe we should cool it, or something like that. I think that kind of honest rejection would be easier to swallow than an obviously lame one, but some people think they're doing you a favor by not coming right out and saying it.
morethanconfused Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 You are so lucky that at least you got some excuses! I've dealt with a some women who just suddenly ignore your text messages and emails, even when they seemed really keen a short while before and are saying "yeah, let's get together again" And then suddenly that's it. Ignored. Exactly! Same with men. At least you got a response even though it was a really lame excuse. Being ignored is much worse.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 At least you got a response even though it was a really lame excuse. Being ignored is much worse. I don't know. I think I can deal with being ignored. Eventually you get the hint. When someone makes a stupid excuse it kind of makes you feel like they think you're stupid.
Star_Bright Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 She's definitely a flake. I've had girl friends and guys I was dating who were flakey, and I've learned to cut them all loose. If you can't make a plan with me and stick to it... if you can't keep your word and follow through with what you tell me... you are not worthy of my time or affection. At least she gave you really obvious excuses up front so you didn't waste any more of your time. I had a guy who always told me he had to work on his car. He would say he'd catch up with me later, and then "later" would come and he'd say he had to work on his car. Sometimes he also got headaches and into bad moods and his transportation fell through etc. etc. etc. I finally learned to take the hints and now I'm much better at weeding out flakes/ guys who aren't that into me earlier on. So at least she saved you that hassle. Maybe it was her way of saying "Never mind" without actually saying that, but knowing you'd get the hint. Either way, she's a wimp and a flake. As far as ignoring goes... I don't know which one is worse and I have also had to learn the hard way that a guy who doesn't contact me first, or who ignores me for awhile, isn't that into me. Now I suppose I'd rather him ignore me then give me stupid excuses/mixed signals that are hard to figure out. But either way I've come up with some pretty simple rules so as to not waste my time. I don't ever initiate contact or ask the guy out. (I guess I should clarify... I mean I'm not saying I wouldn't go up to a guy and say hey you seem fun, let's hang out, and usually I haven't had to do this because there's mutual interest and he's the one who says this. But as a general rule if a guy expresses interest I let him do the chasing and that helps me see his interest level and whether he just wants to play me and waste my time). So if they don't text or call me after a date or meeting me, bye. If they're all heavy texting or calling and then they ignore me for a significant period of time when I respond, and then later come back full force again (blowing hot and cold), bye. If they text me for a booty call late at night, bye. If they give me some lame excuse I might give them one benefit of the doubt because I have had some strange unexpected things come up (so in your case, I guess it depends on how transparent her excuse was the day she called you up before the date), but if it's obvious or a pattern of more than once, bye, and ESPECIALLY if it's last minute... how inconsiderate unless it truly was an emergency. If they refuse to make set plans with me but instead say things like "perhaps," "I'll see," "I'm really busy and need to check my schedule and get back to you" (This is after THEY'VE asked me out... because again, I don't ask them out), bye. Yeah yeah supposedly there shouldn't be dating "rules" and there are exceptions but I've found it's easier, for me, to stick to this way of doing things and err on the side of "bye" instead of "maybe they're the exception?..." because it has been a successful way to do things so far. So yeah in your case as soon as she called with the last-minute day-off excuse, I probably would've said nice knowing ya (not really). Ha ha. Don't worry, there are lots more fishies who don't make up lame flakey excuses!
Star Gazer Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Obviously no one is going to say "I'm not interested in you". But a more tactful response would have been a vague "I have plans already" or something along those lines. If you're going to say I'm busy cleaning that day (or washing your hair, or clipping your toenails, etc.) you might as well say "I"m not interested" and end the charade. Unless you think the other person is dumb enough to think you really are too busy cleaning. Since, "obviously no one is going to say I'm not interested in you," telling you that she'd rather clean than go out with you is a pretty clear rejection, right? After that, you're certainly not going to try again, right? But if she had said, "I have plans already," it's very possible you would try again, right? I dunno. I think she took the smart way out of it. You're just offended that she didn't give you an even lamer excuse that really would insult your intelligence.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Since, "obviously no one is going to say I'm not interested in you," telling you that she'd rather clean than go out with you is a pretty clear rejection, right? After that, you're certainly not going to try again, right? But if she had said, "I have plans already," it's very possible you would try again, right? I dunno. I think she took the smart way out of it. You're just offended that she didn't give you an even lamer excuse that really would insult your intelligence. Guys are usually pretty perceptive on these things. I know for me that after 2-3 times max of that happening I'd stop initiating contact because either a) it's an excuse or b) she really is that busy, too busy in fact to be dating at all. The difference here of course is that the OP said the girl originally agreed to a date so it wasn't like he was completely taking a shot in the dark. The girl in this story only makes herself look foolish. What is the harm in being direct? Is it just that scary?
mortensorchid Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 At least she didn't say her cat was sick. Ha ha ha ... Ah well, I know it bruises the ego, but move on. It's happened to everyone.
tigressA Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 I had a nice first date with a guy I had felt kind of 'meh' about, but I thought perhaps if I got to know him more there would be something there. So I confirmed plans with him for a second date. I had been asked out by my now-BF in the interim, so I contacted the first guy and cancelled the date, saying I met someone else who I was more interested in, when I hadn't even met him yet. It was a convenient excuse. If I hadn't 'met' someone else I probably would've used that as an excuse anyway. It's easy. 'Cleaning' and other, similar excuses are lame, but like others have said, it's at least a pretty clear rejection.
Star Gazer Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Guys are usually pretty perceptive on these things. I know for me that after 2-3 times max of that happening I'd stop initiating contact because either a) it's an excuse or b) she really is that busy, too busy in fact to be dating at all. The difference here of course is that the OP said the girl originally agreed to a date so it wasn't like he was completely taking a shot in the dark. The girl in this story only makes herself look foolish. What is the harm in being direct? Is it just that scary? After 2-3 times you'd stop. That's my point. With just ONE "I'd rather clean," you wouldn't ask again.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 After 2-3 times you'd stop. That's my point. With just ONE "I'd rather clean," you wouldn't ask again. 1) The girl in the OP had already agreed to a first date, perhaps she should have given him a lame excuse the first time rather than purposely lead him on. 2) Is it really that big of a deal to get 2 unwanted phone calls from a guy to whom you gave your number? Just deal with it, otherwise you just look foolish. Or, don't give your phone number to a guy you're only lukewarm about. Perhaps it's the goal of most women to simply confuse and frustrate men. Makes sense to me.
Nexus One Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 After 2-3 times you'd stop. That's my point. With just ONE "I'd rather clean," you wouldn't ask again. There are different ways to convey a rejection so that the other person gets the message, while still staying respectful and tactful. It graces a person when he/she is able to stay respectful and tactful even in the case of a rejection. There's no need to pull the rug from under someone's feet and crush their self esteem or to imply that they're worthless to you.
Queen Zenobia Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 There are different ways to convey a rejection so that the other person gets the message, while still staying respectful and tactful. It graces a person when he/she is able to stay respectful and tactful even in the case of a rejection. There's no need to pull the rug from under someone's feet and crush their self esteem or to imply that they're worthless to you. Seriously, I mean sheesh. If a guy is good enough to give your number to, why should it be surprising that he thinks he's good enough to actually use that number and ask you out? I really feel for you guys sometimes when women have that kind of attitude about them.
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