OliveOyl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It seems very very rushed to go on a weekend away after just ONE date (and not even a kiss). Suppose you have NO physical chemistry with him at all... then you could be stuck for the rest of the weekend. Ugh!!! Why the rush to seal the deal? I'd advise going out on a few normal dates before planning a weekend getaway.
spiderowl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You still don't know him very well. Maybe it's a bit too early to 'seal the deal'? Do you feel it's too early? If you make sure you have separate rooms, you have choice about that. He is making a sexual play for you though, no doubt about that. I have learned several things about dating and not all of them good. Here are some warnings: 1. Just because someone says they like/love/are attracted to you, doesn't make them a nice person. Nor does it mean they do like or love you. You need to filter out the guys who say this stuff all the time from those who really mean it when they say it. 2. Some guys will say anything to get sex. They will talk about a future, say they love you, say they are falling in love with you, tell you they've told all their friends about you, they will introduce you to their friends, anything! It does not mean they will follow through on any of it, but it can make you feel as if they are more invested in the relationship than they really are. 3. A weekend away could get you closer mentally and physically. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated into the physical if it's too soon for you. If you stay in the same room, he will think sex is on the cards and you will be in a difficult position if you decide against it. No decent guy should expect you to be happy to stay in the same room when you haven't even kissed.
blueskyday Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) Tell him you aren't comfortable going away on a trip until you two have been dating a while. Then see what he says/does. It's a good test. You want a guy who will care about your feelings. If he does, he will immediately see that he is rushing you and will back off. If he doesn't care about your feelings, and wants his feelings met, then he will most likely pressure you. I wouldn't spend that much time with someone I wasn't already sleeping with and in an exclusive relationship with. You are skipping a few steps, don't you think? I like the poster who said an overnight trip can unexpectedly happen, ie, the beach all day and then a room for the night because it's late -- but sleeping separately. There's a gentleman for you! Your guy sounds like a lot of guys who rush in, confuse you, promise you the world, sleep with you, then disappear. Maybe not, but I would sloooow things waaay down. Remember, you don't want to sleep with anyone until you are very comfortable with them and have an emotional connection. For me, I need to ramp up the physical contact first to the point where I enjoy being affectionate with them. My body needs to get used to them. You are in no way comfortable with this guy yet. Ask to go on a few more dates before you commit to going away. He IS a stranger, really. Edited August 1, 2011 by blueskyday
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It seems very very rushed to go on a weekend away after just ONE date (and not even a kiss). Suppose you have NO physical chemistry with him at all... then you could be stuck for the rest of the weekend. That can happen. Chemistry can seem great over the phone but only when you're with someone will you know if you will ever be more than friends. I've had some awkward experiences and learned to listen to my intuition.
Cypress25 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 It's way too early to take a weekend trip together! You don't even know each other. This sounds dangerous to me, he could be a rapist or a psycho killer. Try dating for awhile first before taking a vacation together. Slow down, get to know each other, there's no rush. You feel uncomfortable about this for a reason. It's because your instincts are telling you that this is too soon and you're not ready.
PinkInTheLimo Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 IHe says this will bring us closer together mentally and physically. I think this guy just wants to get laid. It's way too early to be close mentally and physically. You first have to get to know each other.
Lucky_One Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So gutted, I am not trying to bring up painful memories here, but this is the THIRD time in less than a year that you have had issues on a second date. The first time you were confused by a man who was insisting that you go to a hotel with him for an overnight, and the second time you were actually raped by a guy on a second date. There are a lot of similarities in all three situations. All deal with the second date, all deal with sex, all deal with men you barely know, all deal with the fact that you don't know what proper boundaries are or how to enforce them. I would think that after being raped on a second date by a guy that wouldn't take know for an answer and that you barely knew would keep you from putting yourself in situations that are dangerous and where you have very little control or power. I suggest that you say no to the weekend, before something worse happens to you.
zengirl Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 So gutted, I am not trying to bring up painful memories here, but this is the THIRD time in less than a year that you have had issues on a second date. The first time you were confused by a man who was insisting that you go to a hotel with him for an overnight, and the second time you were actually raped by a guy on a second date. There are a lot of similarities in all three situations. All deal with the second date, all deal with sex, all deal with men you barely know, all deal with the fact that you don't know what proper boundaries are or how to enforce them. I would think that after being raped on a second date by a guy that wouldn't take know for an answer and that you barely knew would keep you from putting yourself in situations that are dangerous and where you have very little control or power. I suggest that you say no to the weekend, before something worse happens to you. THIS. Honestly, this whole thing sounds sketchy and weird. To the title: Have I gone on a trip with someone before I've had sex with them? Yes, actually. But I was clear on my boundaries and knew the guy well and trusted he was a good guy. He was someone I knew and had been dating for awhile (and YES, you CAN wait awhile for sex if you want). You don't really know this guy, you think he obviously wants sex, and you sound very confused, stressed, and pressured. I suggest saying no.
Author so gutted Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 THIS. Honestly, this whole thing sounds sketchy and weird. To the title: Have I gone on a trip with someone before I've had sex with them? Yes, actually. But I was clear on my boundaries and knew the guy well and trusted he was a good guy. He was someone I knew and had been dating for awhile (and YES, you CAN wait awhile for sex if you want). You don't really know this guy, you think he obviously wants sex, and you sound very confused, stressed, and pressured. I suggest saying no. OK - so you guys are all making sense here. Problem: he SMS me today to say hi etc and asked again if I had looked into it. I said I had and it was too expensive, he suggested that I look at other places that I would like to go to. For some reason I am having difficulty telling him that i do not want to go. I have realized from this site that it is a crazy bad idea. It may even be torture for me, forced sex with someone I am not sure I have a physical connection with.... Also, the whole age thing. I am 5, possibly 6 years older then him. He thinks the age gap is 2 years. How an earth do I tackle this? I am confused. I feel he deserves a second date and his intentions may not be purely sleazy. He works very hard and maybe needs a break. At the same time, this is the wrong sort of break and I should have set him straight. What do i say?
Professor X Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 OK - so you guys are all making sense here. Problem: he SMS me today to say hi etc and asked again if I had looked into it. I said I had and it was too expensive, he suggested that I look at other places that I would like to go to. For some reason I am having difficulty telling him that i do not want to go. I have realized from this site that it is a crazy bad idea. It may even be torture for me, forced sex with someone I am not sure I have a physical connection with.... Also, the whole age thing. I am 5, possibly 6 years older then him. He thinks the age gap is 2 years. How an earth do I tackle this? I am confused. I feel he deserves a second date and his intentions may not be purely sleazy. He works very hard and maybe needs a break. At the same time, this is the wrong sort of break and I should have set him straight. What do i say? "Look, you're a nice guy, but I don't feel comfortable going on a weekend alone with a man I just met; I want to go on a few more dates before I will feel comfortable going on a weekends alone with you." And while at it, add: "So like, listen, I am actually xx years old, I didn't tell you at first cause I didn't want you to be pushed away by my age, but now I feel comfortable to share it with you." Good luck.
Author so gutted Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 "Look, you're a nice guy, but I don't feel comfortable going on a weekend alone with a man I just met; I want to go on a few more dates before I will feel comfortable going on a weekends alone with you." And while at it, add: "So like, listen, I am actually xx years old, I didn't tell you at first cause I didn't want you to be pushed away by my age, but now I feel comfortable to share it with you." Good luck. You were right. I told him and he did not have a major reaction (he offered to pay the hotel price earlier) and now he has gone very quiet.
Professor X Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 You were right. I told him and he did not have a major reaction (he offered to pay the hotel price earlier) and now he has gone very quiet. Well, cheer up, you got saved the bell here he was an ass, no major loss for you. He on the other hand, lost a lot, which is you; Sucks for him, don't you think?
Author so gutted Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Well, cheer up, you got saved the bell here he was an ass, no major loss for you. He on the other hand, lost a lot, which is you; Sucks for him, don't you think? Thanks for all your help. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted. This was not right at all.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Now see if you can automatically apply this whole line of thinking the next time you are on the brink of putting yourself in a situation you are not 100% ready for with ANY guy. Try to break your pattern.
Author so gutted Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Now see if you can automatically apply this whole line of thinking the next time you are on the brink of putting yourself in a situation you are not 100% ready for with ANY guy. Try to break your pattern. Great he is back and wants me to come for dinner at his place...
Emilia Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Great he is back and wants me to come for dinner at his place... ... but by now you know how to look after yourself as a responsible adult and you can a) conclude that he doesn't care about you, puts too much pressure on you and you should stop talking to him or b) you should insist on meeting in a public place
Author so gutted Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 ... but by now you know how to look after yourself as a responsible adult and you can a) conclude that he doesn't care about you, puts too much pressure on you and you should stop talking to him or b) you should insist on meeting in a public place Tried exactly that and he said he is tired of meeting outside (travels a lot) and wants to be at home..??
TaintedHeart Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think you should close all your online dating accounts. That way you won't be tempted to meet random men. Is it really worth the risk again?
Emilia Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Tried exactly that and he said he is tired of meeting outside (travels a lot) and wants to be at home..?? Are you really this thick?
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Great he is back and wants me to come for dinner at his place... Why are you even posting this? Here are your new rules: NEVER, EVER, EVER be alone with ANY man, EVER, until you have been out with him in public places at least 3 times, AND introduced him to members of your family, friends or co-workers. Just stick to those and you'll probably be okay.
Lucky_One Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Seriously, so gutted? You were actually RAPED by a guy who asked you to his place for a second date, and you would even THINK about going to a virtual stranger's home? What exactly did you learn from being raped less than a year ago?
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think the OP might have a different meaning in mind when she says "forced sex." We all think rape, but I think she means she feels obligated even though she doesn't really want to. This would explain why she's even considering going away with or over to a virtual stranger's house again.
torn_curtain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Sounds like he might be married. It would explain him pressuring you to go on this trip so soon since he can't bring you back to his own place. It would also explain flakiness about contact and seeing you regularly. I read your other thread on him and he is riddled with red flags. I don't like the way he grilled you about your weight, height, etc. when you first started chatting. Or the way he ended the chat with "you better stay in contact." He sounds demanding and controlling. Hardly your ideal man. And married is one of the better scenarios. Worse case scenario you'll end up in containers in his refrigerator. I'm not joking. This is incredibly sketchy. Edited August 8, 2011 by torn_curtain
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I think the OP might have a different meaning in mind when she says "forced sex." We all think rape, but I think she means she feels obligated even though she doesn't really want to. This would explain why she's even considering going away with or over to a virtual stranger's house again. Star, she has a thread where she describes a date rape. I believe it happened after she'd become incoherently drunk (OP, forgive me if I have 2 of your incidents mixed up; I'm not reviewing your past threads right now) and she was posting about reporting it to the police. I felt it was rape, though clearly she had put herself in a terrible and unsafe situation.
torn_curtain Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Wow, I just read the rest of the thread. I am actually very worried about the OP. She sounds like she could benefit from some therapy. Have you ever been in therapy so_gutted?
Recommended Posts