TheGrimSweeper Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I have a friend I've known for a long time (since I was a baby). My girlfriend and I, along with some other friends went up to visit him in his cottage (where he lives for the summer as he works in that area) the July 1st weekend. It just so happened, my girlfriend would be working for a competition that week in the same town and they exchanged contact info so they could hang out which I was cool with. Now over the week they became really close friends and since then have been texting each other all the time which has really weirded me out and has caused me to become somewhat insecure (bad I know). We had planned to go up again the weekend that has just past, she wanted to go up with her one friend who was also coming the Thurs night, as she had friday off (also weirded me out a bit). I worked the Friday and was going to come after with some other friends. Anyway the other friends bailed a few days before, and I ended up coming alone the Friday night. She knew this before they left Thurs, and never offered to stay and wait which kind of bugged me. I also got laid off last week, which combined with the above put me in a pretty terrible mood the whole wknd. I was bugged, in a bad mood, and she ended up spending far more time with my one friend (her friend now) then with me which left me feeling even worse and more insecure. It boiled down to where we went out Sat night and in my drunken state I was pretty damn upset with her, as she was dancing with him and having a good time (no boundaries crossed really), and I was upset about it and not fun to be around (which I get is probably why she was hanging around him more). Anyway I realized I messed up pretty bad and acted really insecure (huge turn off), I'm not usually like this, and this was a rare occurrence. I have backed way off now, we haven't spoken at all today, and I am just going to wait for her to come to me, as I know anything I do now will only make it worse. We had a small talk about it last night, she said she just wants to see how the next few weeks go to make a decision on us. My question is, did she cross any boundaries with my mutual friend? Was I right too feel so weirded out or did I go too far? What does everyone think I should do now?
jnj express Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 What kind of a relationship do you have with your GF, and how long has the relationship been going on, also how old are the 2 of you If your relationship was serious where you are committed to each other, then she is way out of line---she is texting, and spending way more time with him, and that is inappropriate depending on the status of your relationship Do not allow her to control things---don't wait the couple of weeks, for her to decide what SHE wants to do Make her sit down and talk to you, and just ask her straight out, does she wanna continue on with you exclusively or not If you wait here out, while she is fence sitting on you, and playing you both---you, are gonna drive yourself crazy, and just continue on the way you have been lately---miserable.
Professor X Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 1. She obviously prefers your friend over you. 2. You can always go talk with your friend, tell him nicely to back off; If he doesn't, well, 1 less friend to worry about. 3. Try and talk to her in a nice manner, tell her you feel like you're spending less time together lately as she spends more time with him - you don't like it and you shouldn't come 2nd to him. 4. Alternatively, you can try and spend time with the 2 of them.
PegNosePete Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 We had a small talk about it last night, she said she just wants to see how the next few weeks go to make a decision on us. Huh? WTF!!! That took me totally by surprise. I was reading your story thinking that although she does seem to be mildly crossing a few boundaries, she hasn't really done anything majorly bad. And then comes this. Make a decision on us??? Where did that come from? She has switched from "we're just friends, I did nothing wrong", to "we might be splitting up over this"? This casts the whole of the previous story in a whole new light. It seems she does prefer your friend to you, or has simply lost interest in you. Ask her what this "decision" is about, and tell her you want a decision NOW. If she is trying to decide between you and your friend then save your dignity, tell her to go sling her hook.
Bryanp Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 She is way out of line. If the roles had been reversed how would she have felt? It seems obvious she is into your friend and not into you. She says she will let you know in 2 weeks? She is playing you for a fool. Time to move on. She clearly is into your friend. She is a real piece of work. You can do much better.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) Im 25 and shes 21. We've been dating on / off a couple times for almost 3 years. Its the most serious relationship she has had and myself as well. I didnt message her at all last yesterday, then she messaged me last night saying she wants to come over and make me dinner today, so I dont know what her intentions are. I am going to have a serious talk though, I've kinda discovered that she is a commitment phobe. Whenever things start to get really serious she wants to back off and slow it down. Im basically going to flat out tell her tonight that Im not going to be stuck in this loop and if she cant overcome this phobia then we need to go our seperate ways. I talked to her good friend yesterday who was also up at the cottage, she was completely on my side. She says though that she knows my girlfriend loves me, but shes just going through a phase of not knowing whats going to happen with her life as this is her final year of University. Edited August 2, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper
Kelemort Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 The age difference between you two is telling. She's 21 (I'd imagine finishing up college). It's a very confusing, depressing and decision-heavy time in her life. She probably isn't settled down in her life, whereas you're getting to be at more that point. Statistically, if you aren't engaged by 3 years together (and you guys have had a rocky 3 years together), your odds start to drop. Once you get to 6 - 7 years together, your odds are virtually 0, while at 5 it's far less than 50%. Typically, because folks who are in happy relationships boost it along to marriage much faster. I'd say it's time to check out.
jnj express Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 You may be of a getting serious age---but she is still young, and may be still wanting to sew her wild oats----just back off and date her casually till she is older and ready for a real commitment
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) I have backed way way off this week but now this... Ok guys I found something I shouldn't have with her, but I don't know exactly what it means. She went to work and left her facebook, logged on and obviously curiosity got the better of me. There was a chat open with the friend I was talking about it. She was asking for help about what to do with me, and mentioned that she knew I was mad and he knew why. Then she said she doesn't cheat, and feels really bad but went farther then she should of that one night and that I know nothing. (Im not sure if shes referring to the night I described above, or another..?) Then he said just to forget the night and pretend it doesn't exist and move on, or to break up with me. So naturally, I am super sketched out as to know what their talking about, if it was just that one night with the dancing or more? I am fairly certain it was just the one dancing night, she isn't a cheater, never has been but i have no way of knowing for sure. What do I do?? Edited August 7, 2011 by TheGrimSweeper
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I think you found the smoking guy. What does that mean? The friend ive known since I was a baby and I honestly could not have pictured him being the type to do anything with another friends girlfriend.
Bryanp Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I am so sorry. I misspelled the word. What I meant to say was that I think you found the smoking gun. She said she felt bad that it went further than it should have that night and that you know nothing? It sounds pretty obvious that she did not tell you the entire truth. Who knows if she meant a different night. It does seem clear that she did things with him that she is somewhat ashamed of. Why do you want all of this drama in your life? Now you have to worry about her boundaries and her not being honest with you. What is wrong with this picture.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 I am so sorry. I misspelled the word. What I meant to say was that I think you found the smoking gun. She said she felt bad that it went further than it should have that night and that you know nothing? It sounds pretty obvious that she did not tell you the entire truth. Who knows if she meant a different night. It does seem clear that she did things with him that she is somewhat ashamed of. Why do you want all of this drama in your life? Now you have to worry about her boundaries and her not being honest with you. What is wrong with this picture. I dont need all this drama, but at the same time I don't think anything really happened. The only other time it could of happened was when she went up the night before and him, her and her friend drank a lot. But then the next day when I came up that night / morning, we didn't have sex but she was really cuddly / kissy with me and close in bed. No way she would have acted like that if something happened. And she talks to me a lot about him. Also if she was interested in him she wouldnt be talking to him about what to do with me, thats a clear sign of being friend zoned. I've been acting somewhat insecure recently which I think has pushed her way. Im going to continue backing way off, doing my own thing, not making a fuss over anything (unless it should be made) and Ill see what her reaction to it is. Then I can tell if shes serious about this relationship or not, if she isn't ill step out of it.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Now over the week they became really close friends Glad I kept reading. Now I know how you can become "really close friends' in a week's time.
PegNosePete Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 I don't think anything really happened. Open your eyes dude. we didn't have sex but she was really cuddly / kissy with me and close in bed. No way she would have acted like that if something happened. Guilt? if she was interested in him she wouldnt be talking to him about what to do with me, thats a clear sign of being friend zoned. Huh? No it's not. Then I can tell if shes serious about this relationship or not, if she isn't ill step out of it. You already know she isn't. Look at how she is carrying on with this guy. People who are serious about relationships do not carry on with other guys like that.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 So how should I approach this? I obviously would need a reason to break up with her.
PegNosePete Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 "You have to respect for me or our relationship. I am ending it. Have a nice life"
rafallus Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 So how should I approach this? I obviously would need a reason to break up with her. If you feel unhappy, that's pretty damn sufficient reason. It doesn't have to be logically sound.
Memphis Raines Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 So how should I approach this? I obviously would need a reason to break up with her. no, you don't.
Memphis Raines Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Then she said she doesn't cheat, and feels really bad but went farther then she should of that one night and that I know nothing. she is in denial. somehow she cheated, but doesn't want to believe that she did. Then he said just to forget the night and pretend it doesn't exist and move on, or to break up with me. and here is just another reason why you don't need a reason to break up with her.
Miss Clavel Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 She is way out of line. If the roles had been reversed how would she have felt? It seems obvious she is into your friend and not into you. She says she will let you know in 2 weeks? She is playing you for a fool. Time to move on. She clearly is into your friend. She is a real piece of work. You can do much better. Just look in her eyes and ask her: "do you have feelings for my friend", "do you want to see where it's going with my friend". LET HER ANSWER. You're both very young. I know you don't think so, but you are. And my sense of this situation is that she no longer wants to be exclusive with you. She may want to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with her and your soon-to-be-ex friend. Don't let her.
Author TheGrimSweeper Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Just look in her eyes and ask her: "do you have feelings for my friend", "do you want to see where it's going with my friend". LET HER ANSWER. You're both very young. I know you don't think so, but you are. And my sense of this situation is that she no longer wants to be exclusive with you. She may want to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with her and your soon-to-be-ex friend. Don't let her. I agree with with the first parts and it may be true. As for the second part nothing will happen there they live too far apart. I only get to see him maybe 3 times a year.
Scorpio6913 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Sorry Man, She already did "Something" with your friend, that would be enough for me to ditch them both..
GorillaTheater Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 She went "farther than it should have" with this guy, and she's the one who's going to take the next week or two to "decide about the two of you"?? Call bullsh*t on that, my friend. Take control of your life and you end it with her now. Don't tolerate this disrespect.
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