lilshama Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Hi everybody out there. My new (ish) boyfriend is absolutely great. I like him a lot and am seriously considering him as a life partner as we just 'click'. However his annoying ex girlfriend is taking up some of my boyfriend's time. For the past four and a half months she was not in the picture. Suddenly she's around. For example last week he met her for lunch. It was only for about 45 minutes so I knew nothing happened. At the weekend, on Saturday, they spent the whole afternoon together. They went to a museum and then to a concert. He was totally upfront about thier 'date' and told me about it ages ago. They had booked tickets after they broke up as they had a chat and decided they would try to be friends. At the end of this month, they are going to another concert. Am I allowing him too much space to get together with her or is this normal? He always says he doesn't like her any more and just wants to be friends with her (they were together for three years, he dumped her - we have been seeing each other for four and a half months and I dumped my boyfriend for him when I found out he was single - we got together one month after he became single)
thatone Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 yes, you're allowing too much space. you need to tell him to make a choice and stick with it. if he continues to see her you're gone. it's understandable if he were to have contact with the ex in the first month or two you were together to square away relationship type things they need to separate from (like him getting her stuff back to her from his house and stuff like that) but they should not be going on dates together 4 months into your relationship with him.
Enchanted Girl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Does he let you hang around with the two of them? Observe them and see if its platonic, which it probably isn't. My ex dumped me and still begged for me back four months later anyway.
D-Lish Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 WHAT? This guy is not over his ex, that should be obvious! There is no way I'd put up with what you are putting up with. He's going on "dates" with his ex... That's so wrong.
zengirl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I'm down with lunches and certainly group stuff where they see each other, but that sounds like a weird dynamic to me. Those are basically dates. Especially if you're not invited. I had no issues with various BFs staying friends with exes if they had a similar social circle and we all got to know each other, etc. Totally fine. But what you're describing just sounds odd. I understand wanting to stay in touch with someone after so long a time, but it sounds like an inappropriate way to do so.
Author lilshama Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Does he let you hang around with the two of them? Observe them and see if its platonic, which it probably isn't. My ex dumped me and still begged for me back four months later anyway. Well I didn't ask to go with him to meet her for lunch as I had already had my lunch break. And the concert was sold out so I couldn't have gone anyway. The next concert is also sold out - conveniently... So they have only met up twice to my knowledge. Should I have not allowed him to have lunch with her? Then he may not have booked the other two dates. My sister's husband is still in contact with his ex and my sister is fine about it. Am I just being clingy?
Lucky_One Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You are cool with your BF dating another woman? Especially one that he slept with for 3 years? I wouldn't be.
thatone Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Well I didn't ask to go with him to meet her for lunch as I had already had my lunch break. And the concert was sold out so I couldn't have gone anyway. The next concert is also sold out - conveniently... So they have only met up twice to my knowledge. Should I have not allowed him to have lunch with her? Then he may not have booked the other two dates. My sister's husband is still in contact with his ex and my sister is fine about it. Am I just being clingy? your sister is a bad example. sounds like the two of you share a poor taste in men.
veggirl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I would not be okay with this and you shouldn't be either. He could have bought you a ticket (esp for the 2nd concert) but deliberately chose not to. He wants to be alone with her. Who pays for their dates?
Author lilshama Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I would not be okay with this and you shouldn't be either. He could have bought you a ticket (esp for the 2nd concert) but deliberately chose not to. He wants to be alone with her. Who pays for their dates? The tickets for the second concert were bought before we started seeing each other. I guess they both pay but I really don't see them as 'dates' as such. They're just meeting up to catch up, hang out do things as friends. Just happens they also used to be romantically involved. I have a funny feeling about it all as he didn't tell me about their plans until recently when he had known since we started going out. I also had to push for information about the second concert and had to ask him outright 'are you planning on meeting up with her any other time?'.He didn't volunteer this information.
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Ask if you can buy the ticket to the second concert saying that he's already gone with her to one so it's only fair. In the future, invite yourself along on all of their dates and talk about guys you'd like to fix her up with. Present a close knit united front with the BF, "us and you." If this continues, maybe start dating your ex to get your message across.
Author lilshama Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Ask if you can buy the ticket to the second concert saying that he's already gone with her to one so it's only fair. In the future, invite yourself along on all of their dates and talk about guys you'd like to fix her up with. Present a close knit united front with the BF, "us and you." If this continues, maybe start dating your ex to get your message across. I did suggest that he take me instead but as it's music that he knows I don't like he was right in thinking it would be wasted on me. He and his ex like the same type of music and actually I can't stand it. He has said that his ex doesn't want to meet me. He has said he must respect her wishes and not try to set her up. I don't want to meet her anyway as I would feel too awkward. From what he has told me she is more attractive and gets a lot of male attention. I have little self confidence as I am overweight and I think meeting up with her will just depress me.
Author lilshama Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Sorry just wanted to point out that he has never said she is more attractive than me I just figured she must be when I asked him to describe her.
sm1tten Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I personally don't think this is normal. I have no real problem with my boyfriend's being friendly with their exes, but the fact that he hasn't been forthcoming about this is a problem, as is the frequency - 3x in a month is a bit much. What matters most, though, is whether it makes you uncomfortable. If it does, then that needs to be addressed.
Tybalt Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 So, he is going out with his long term ex, is evasive about providing you with information AND you aren't welcome to join or even meet this person? No way. People rarely if ever transition that quickly from lovers to friends. Even if there is no physical involvement currently, going out on datelike outings, just the two of them, his prioritizing and respecting her feelings (by not integrating you into the picture), makes him still emotionally attached to her in a similar way as when they were together. I think it is possible for exes to be friends and even see each other sometimes, but not until a significant amount of time has passed and old patterns/emotional attachments are broken. If everyone was over it, there would be no problem with you and her meeting each other. I would never expect a man I was dating to tolerate me keeping this going with an ex. It is disrespectful of the relationship in my opinion. It sounds like you have some self confidence issues from what you say. It doesn't matter what she looks like, you're the girlfriend and deserve to be respected. If it were me, I'd calmly let him know that this whole scenario doesn't sit right with you, and you need some space to think since you aren't sure your views on what comprises an appropriate relationship with an ex are compatible. No ultimatums, just get some distance and start taking care of you. If he is going to act badly and cross lines, he will anyway. When someone really values a relationship, they'll think long and hard and do what it takes to preserve it. If he doesn't you'll have done the right thing for yourself by getting out of something that will only continue to cause you heartache.
iJester Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) Break up with him and just tell him you don't want to be a suspicious or controlling girlfriend about who he sees and is friends with, but their contact is too much for you. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Edited August 1, 2011 by iJester
veggirl Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 4 months is most likely not long enough to be over a 3 yr relationship, especially if he has been communicating with her during these months, which he obviously has. And him saying he has to respect her wishes is quite telling, IMO. What about your wishes? Clearly you are not comfortable with this arrangement he has with his ex--does he know that?
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