My girlfriend's past

[DoS]

Very briefly - my current girlfriend (who I am in love with and as a result I'm trying desperately to resolve this issue so it doesn't affect our relationship negatively) has a much deeper sexual history than I do. We're both 22, and I've had 3 partners. I do not know how many partners she has had, maybe 10? She asked me one day and said "I think it's time that we discuss our sexual history." At the time, knowing I would be upset hearing about it and wouldn't be able to handle it gracefully, I said "I don't want to know," but told her that I've only had 3 partners because she suspected that I'd had 20+ (that made me laugh). Now it's eating at me.

 

She has tried things like anal sex that I have not yet tried (she said she hated it and it was only for about 2 seconds and then she literally jumped out the guy's window because she was disgusted).

 

A friend suggested having sexual experiences that are new to both of us to help resolve it. That helped, and now I'm over the sexual experiences (like role playing, anal, etc.), but it still bothers me not knowing how many partners she has had.

 

Why does it bother me that she's had more partners than me? I feel like it shouldn't, and I don't think the answer is that I'm insecure because until I read that suggestion (on a different but similar post) it had never occurred to me and I think the sex we have is mutually satisfying. I also feel like I'm being unfair to women, suggesting that they should be "pure" and all that business (which I honestly don't believe, women should be allowed to have sex all they want with no societal labeling).

 

I really need help and suggestions so this doesn't blow up in my face because I really feel like it shouldn't be causing me any trouble. I don't know if I should just try and ignore/reconcile it on my own (which I've made progress on, but not enough) or if I should ask her and find out the number. I'm afraid if I hear something like 10 I won't be able to contain my disappointment...

[Casablanca]

This is from what I understand, not an uncommon things for some guys...I'd be the same way/am the same way

 

Why are you ballparking the idea of 10, has she given you reason to think that?

 

What I would do, ask the question if the guy has always used protection; if not, has she been tested since the last time of the guy not using a condom? And I would leave it at that...neither of you are virgins so it really doesnt matter how many people you have slept with or fooled around with...I never talk about numbers unless of course she is a virgin, and I try not to talk about how many I've been with...just that I've always used protection. It helps to keep from one or both people over thinking something or feeling "less worthy" because of experience. All that matters are that you two are together and that you both care for each other....not what either of you did in the past

 

As Rafiki said in the Lion King...it doesnt matter, it's in the past...just keep it that way...IMO

[DoS]

Why are you ballparking the idea of 10, has she given you reason to think that?

 

The 10 people was my guess based on what I know - I know she had a boyfriend in highschool for 2 years and one at college for 1.5 years. I can think of 4 other guys I know she has had sex with. I know when she was younger she was a bit wilder and so my imagination is getting the best of me. So I guess it's fairer to say 6+.

 

What I would do, ask the question if the guy has always used protection; if not, has she been tested since the last time of the guy not using a condom? And I would leave it at that...neither of you are virgins so it really doesnt matter how many people you have slept with or fooled around with...I never talk about numbers unless of course she is a virgin, and I try not to talk about how many I've been with...just that I've always used protection.

 

As Rafiki said in the Lion King...it doesnt matter, it's in the past...just keep it that way...IMO

 

I know that she is at least STD/STI free, since she has been on birth control since she was 16 and in order to get the birth control pills she has to be tested. I am also STD/STI free.

 

I know the past is the past and I shouldn't go digging for trouble, but trouble is coming to me.

[LynnT]

I've learned the hard way not to be specific about my past sexual history.

 

My number isn't really that high but it's irrelevant. I've been tested and since testing negative for STD's I've never failed to be safe. That's all anyone needs to know.

 

There's really nothing good that can come from being specific and it betrays the confidence of those in my past. I don't really want to know how and what my partner has done, as long as they did so safely.

 

I used to talk about such things and realized that it causes me to have jealous thoughts and feelings or compare myself in some way to another person which just causes a lot of unnecessary angst.

 

My suggestion is to be vague, be safe and spend your time thinking about how much you enjoy your current GF.

[Tybalt]

When I was younger, that kind of stuff used to matter to me too. I have pretty much always been the less experienced one, and in one case dramatically so. Did it bother me? Yes, it intimidated me at the time. Now, I realize how special and wonderful it is to have an emotional and satisfying physical connection with someone, and the numbers really don't matter. In fact, my current bf and I have never even discussed it. Suffice to say that as older adults (me 30's, him 40's), we each have a past. It simply doesn't matter, we are old enough to know that the connection we have is a special one, and each of us is secure enough to simply enjoy it. Easier said than done, though, and it took me ten years to grasp this.

[FitChick]

Never discuss your sexual history unless you are secure and both get off on that sort of thing. I personally enjoy hearing what current boyfriends have done in the past. The women are long gone so who cares? It gives me an idea what turns him on or off as well.

 

I date men who have been married so they haven't slept with as many women as I've slept with men and we are the same age. One seemed a bit bothered so I asked, "I should have sex once every five years then to keep my numbers down?"

[DoS]

One seemed a bit bothered so I asked, "I should have sex once every five years then to keep my numbers down?"

 

I understand that idea, and I try pretty hard to not be upset with the fact that she has had sex in the past - it's not an unreasonable thing to do and, in fact, I've done the same so I cannot complain.

 

I general consensus is to not worry about it and "don't ask, don't tell." But I already know minor details, and thinking about some of them with her gets the best of me. I suppose I just need to force myself to realize that there is a reason those guys are no longer around and I am.

 

Thanks guys.

[reboot]

Her past is her past. As in before you. You should probably find something else to worry about. Let's be honest, it's all about your ego. Were they better than you? Were they bigger than you?

 

Who is she with now? That's the important thing.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's nature to want someone "perfect"--someone untouched, someone you can be sure is just only yours and dedicated to you. Growing up is finding out that you don't get that and you have to deal with how it feels to not get that perfection. As far as her having had more sex, just think of it as a good thing that she is a sexual person and wants to rock and roll with you.

Sometimes those "perfect" packages can be all sizzle and no steak--dead in bed and can't even kiss good. If you turn out to really please someone who's been hoping to find someone who really does it for her, consider yourself a swinging dick and be happy.

[Desensitized]

Her sexual past bothers you because you really do care about her. I've had many previous girlfriends in the past, and I knew they were with A LOT of guys, but I honestly didn't care because I really didn't see myself being with them forever. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, find someone with similar morals/values as you. I recently had to cancel my engagement because of something similar to this. She slept with 30+ people; I simply couldn't get over it. Was I sad about having to cancel my engagement? Yes, of course. But the happiness and peace of mind that I obtained after I canceled it is priceless. As much as I do still care for her, I rather keep my sanity than trying to change the way I feel about her sexual history.

 

Like my friend says, if you're a person that values sex and its specialness, find someone that feels the same way about it. I find that a lot of people as they grow older just stop caring about the value of sex because they feel that it's pointless to find someone that values sex like they do. I'm not saying that you need to find a virgin, but just be true to yourself. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with a woman who gives it up to any guy in a matter of a short period. Just because we live in a pig farm doesn't mean we need to be with a pig.

[DoS]

You should worry about it, a high number in a young woman correlates with a higher chance of personality disorders and generally compulsive, impulsive behavior, all bad for LTR prospects. There are other ways to back into this than her actual sexual number. Keep your ears open for her volunteering she has had an eating disorder, how serious and long ago it was, whether she has ever had substance abuse issues, depression meds, psychotherapy, bad relations with parents or friends, no female friends or few friends at all, history of exes who were all "monsters" while she was blameless, past sexual abuse, etc. How are her spending habits? Is she a risk taker? Those things + promiscuity = bad news. Hoperfully none of these things will be an issue but keep your ears open.

 

I've read all the previous posts, I appreciate everyone's input. The quoted one in particular is scaring me.

 

She struggles with bulimia (and has been for 3 years). I don't know how serious it is, I know sometimes she gets very upset and I try to help talk her through it. I know she sees a psychiatrist about it and she also suffers from PTSD. Supposedly the PTSD is from her father being verbally abusive but she also was borderline raped once, and suspects it might also stem from that. She does not have substance abuse issues, but she does take depression medication and anti-psychotics. She does seem to have very few female friends (or friends in general), and once said "I used to have a really skewed view and think that I had to hook up with guys for them to like me." I don't think she has felt like that for a few years, and I thought maybe it stemmed from her eating disorder. As for exes, there's only one that she demonizes, the rest she seems okay with. I know in her past few relationships she was not promiscuous and was exclusive, but in one when she was younger that both people involved wanted to "hook up with other people on weekends." I know she also spends money more than I do, I wouldn't say it's too unreasonable though.

 

I have known for awhile about her bulimia, PTSD and the medication she takes, and I have no problem with it. Occasionally she has breakdowns and gets really upset, but usually I try to console her and everything turns out ok..

 

Well, you've officially scared me now. What did he mean when he said that it is bad news? Please help..

[Desensitized]

Her past is her past. As in before you. You should probably find something else to worry about. Let's be honest, it's all about your ego. Were they better than you? Were they bigger than you?

 

Who is she with now? That's the important thing.

 

Lol no. It's not about that at all... it would be about that if the person was insecure. I used to have this problem with the last girl I was with; I wasn't insecure at all. Some people think like you; some people think like us. Not a maturity issue, but more of a conflicting moral issue.

[Desensitized]

I've read all the previous posts, I appreciate everyone's input. The quoted one in particular is scaring me.

 

She struggles with bulimia (and has been for 3 years). I don't know how serious it is, I know sometimes she gets very upset and I try to help talk her through it. I know she sees a psychiatrist about it and she also suffers from PTSD. Supposedly the PTSD is from her father being verbally abusive but she also was borderline raped once, and suspects it might also stem from that. She does not have substance abuse issues, but she does take depression medication and anti-psychotics. She does seem to have very few female friends (or friends in general), and once said "I used to have a really skewed view and think that I had to hook up with guys for them to like me." I don't think she has felt like that for a few years, and I thought maybe it stemmed from her eating disorder. As for exes, there's only one that she demonizes, the rest she seems okay with. I know in her past few relationships she was not promiscuous and was exclusive, but in one when she was younger that both people involved wanted to "hook up with other people on weekends." I know she also spends money more than I do, I wouldn't say it's too unreasonable though.

 

I have known for awhile about her bulimia, PTSD and the medication she takes, and I have no problem with it. Occasionally she has breakdowns and gets really upset, but usually I try to console her and everything turns out ok..

 

Well, you've officially scared me now. What did he mean when he said that it is bad news? Please help..

 

The last girl I was with (my ex-fiancee) slept with 30+ guys. She was diagnosed with BPD, but so what? Are you going to make up excuses for her as to why she ****ed all those dudes to justify it in your mind to make it okay to be with her? Don't make excuses for her, that's not how she feels; now you're just convincing yourself that she's this amazing girl - even though she hasn't let you know that she's changed; honestly, you'll never know. Unless you break up with her and see what she does after you're not together. Bottom line is, they wanted to have sex. They liked it just as much and if not more with them than they do with you. Of course the girl is going to tell you that you're more important than the rest of the dudes she's slept with, she probably says this to every guy who knows about her past.

[reboot]

Moral issue? If it was a moral issue he would insist on a virgin (which he himself is not). He's worried about the quantity, not the purity. What's done is done and cannot be changed. If he can't live with it, well, good luck finding a virgin these days.

[Desensitized]

Moral issue? If it was a moral issue he would insist on a virgin (which he himself is not). He's worried about the quantity, not the purity. What's done is done and cannot be changed. If he can't live with it, well, good luck finding a virgin these days.

 

Who said anything about finding a virgin? If you value sex, that most likely means your sex count will be low.

[reboot]

Then I don't understand your particular definition of "morals". How many sexual partners can one have had and still be considered moral? 1, 3, 5? 3 is OK but 10 is too many? 10 is OK but 30 is too many? Seems really subjective to me.

[April72]

It's called retroactive jealousy.... and men are not the only ones that suffer... I am a woman and somedays I would trade my arms for the freedom to not suffer from it.

 

I can say this much. It won't matter the number. It will just matter that she's been with other people. I'm trying my very best to over come it. It hit me hard in my early twenties and that relationship ended badly. It's not reared it's ugly head in 20 yrs and it's back with a vengenance. I don't know what it is about certain lovers that trigger it. I'm fighting it with everything in me. I hope that I can overcome it this time and not lose this relationship.

 

Best thing is to not discuss it there is no reason. Problem is usually when you start feeling this way you can't drop it and have to know. It's a real catch 22. If you can leave it alone. Make sure that she is pleased with you and there is nothing else you could be doing for her and vice versa and focus on the two of u.

 

Once the confessions started in my relationship I didn't put a stop to it... and he went to far with things he did and now I am ate up with it and wish I didn't know. He won't share anything else but I'm not sure there's anything else to share.... and it all literally happened 20 yrs ago ... almost your entire lifetime.... and I'm crazy in the head.

 

retro jealousy is a vicious beast.... good luck.

[Desensitized]

Then I don't understand your particular definition of "morals". How many sexual partners can one have had and still be considered moral? 1, 3, 5? 3 is OK but 10 is too many? 10 is OK but 30 is too many? Seems really subjective to me.

 

It's really up to the person, tbh. So yes, it's subjective. What I consider a "small" number may be a lot to a different person. It's all about preference and what YOU want. For example, some people view sleeping with 30+ people to not be that many, while I view it to be A LOT of people. That's about a whole classroom right there...

[DoS]

Those things + promiscuity = bad news. Hoperfully none of these things will be an issue but keep your ears open.

 

I'm the original poster, and I'm concerned with what dasein said. "Those things" were psychological disorders like bulimia and PTSD. She isn't promiscuous now, but I suppose she used to be?

 

Anyway, assuming that these are both true, what is the "bad news?"

 

dasein scared the **** out of me, can anyone help?

[Desensitized]

It's called retroactive jealousy.... and men are not the only ones that suffer... I am a woman and somedays I would trade my arms for the freedom to not suffer from it.

 

I can say this much. It won't matter the number. It will just matter that she's been with other people. I'm trying my very best to over come it. It hit me hard in my early twenties and that relationship ended badly. It's not reared it's ugly head in 20 yrs and it's back with a vengenance. I don't know what it is about certain lovers that trigger it. I'm fighting it with everything in me. I hope that I can overcome it this time and not lose this relationship.

 

Best thing is to not discuss it there is no reason. Problem is usually when you start feeling this way you can't drop it and have to know. It's a real catch 22. If you can leave it alone. Make sure that she is pleased with you and there is nothing else you could be doing for her and vice versa and focus on the two of u.

 

Once the confessions started in my relationship I didn't put a stop to it... and he went to far with things he did and now I am ate up with it and wish I didn't know. He won't share anything else but I'm not sure there's anything else to share.... and it all literally happened 20 yrs ago ... almost your entire lifetime.... and I'm crazy in the head.

 

retro jealousy is a vicious beast.... good luck.

 

there's no such thing as retroactive jealousy, look it up. You don't NEED to suffer from it, just find someone that feels the same way about sex like you do. Trust me, would you rather try to fight a losing battle, or would you rather have your peace of mind again? Some people choose to live in ignorance (aka: don't talk about your sexual histories, ever), but I don't like to live in ignorance, even though some people will say that leads to bliss. I rather be disappointed with what I find out, than to never know about my partner in that respect and be happy. When I find the person that i'll spend the rest of my life with and I know EVERYTHING about her, then, I can say I am truly happy.

[DoS]

I am not a mental health pro, just an experienced man. It's a matter of odds. Your GF has significantly higher odds of becoming an addict, cheating on you, becoming abusive towards you, loving you one week and hating you the next, causing you emotional damage, and there's a whole bunch of smaller behaviors that can make your life miserable. The antipsychotics are troublesome, as well as the shady story that she has PTSD merely from being yelled at by her father. How long have you been dating her? Have you met this monster of a father yet? Was it possible he was yelling at her for sleeping around, maybe even having abortions? Based on your last post, personally, I would not date someone with those issues, up to you whether it's worth the risk.

 

I'm not worried about her becoming an addict or cheating on me, I feel that she has changed from her younger, more promiscuous self. However, she did break up with me once about 6 months ago over what seemed to me to be nothing. She was going to a party without me and I was concerned (the relationship was new [2 months]). Later that night she dumped me for "being controlling." A month later she asked me to get back together. We've been together 8 months. I also find the PTSD from verbal abuse suspicious but she says her father never touched her. It could be from the "borderline rape" when she was 16. She was very drunk and couldn't stop the guy she was with from having sex with her.

 

No I have not met the father since her parents are divorced, I am likely to meet him this Sunday, actually. She says that now that he doesn't live with her he is much calmer. And no, I doubt he yelled at her for sleeping around, she had a steady boyfriend at the time (2 years in high school) and never had an abortion.

[Desensitized]

I am not a mental health pro, just an experienced man. It's a matter of odds. Your GF has significantly higher odds of becoming an addict, cheating on you, becoming abusive towards you, loving you one week and hating you the next, causing you emotional damage, and there's a whole bunch of smaller behaviors that can make your life miserable. The antipsychotics are troublesome, as well as the shady story that she has PTSD merely from being yelled at by her father. How long have you been dating her? Have you met this monster of a father yet? Was it possible he was yelling at her for sleeping around, maybe even having abortions? Based on your last post, personally, I would not date someone with those issues, up to you whether it's worth the risk.

 

^^This. My ex-fiancee had a long history of cheating on her partners... I am still unsure if she cheated on me, but if she did, oh well. I'm not with her anymore. And like Dasein said, it usually tends to be a relationship of extreme highs and extreme lows. You eventually become addicted to the pain; it becomes a extreme hassle to get out of that mess. I honestly felt myself becoming brainwashed; the very thought of spending my life with her is honestly enough to make me want to scream at the top of my lungs and say, "Thank God I dodged a bullet!" I was very stupid, and I was manipulated. I was infatuated with this girl, and I missed all the thousands of red flags because I was so blinded by the love I had for this woman. And like Dasein stated, my ex-fiancee also hated her father; i don't know why, he was a nice man.

[rafallus]

She was going to a party without me and I was concerned (the relationship was new [2 months]). Later that night she dumped me for "being controlling." A month later she asked me to get back together.

 

Now THIS is bad.

 

I'd wager she wanted to bang other guys guilt free and you were in the way.

[GolightlyD]

This is a highly complicated and painful subject for some. It has nothing to do with ego, however, in my opinion. I personally think it has to do with deep seated roles about men and women, marriage and sexuality and values. Not something that can be easily answered. I had a similar post regarding this....

[Desensitized]

Now THIS is bad.

 

I'd wager she wanted to bang other guys guilt free and you were in the way.

 

Pretty much. A lot of screwed up people in the world...