Codependency

[monkeymagic]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if someone could explain where the line between healthy emotional support/caring/dependency and 'codependency' lies? I wouldn't say I'm reliant on relationships for happiness, but I keep getting dumped for appearing too 'needy' or 'not manly enough'. I don't literally ask for affection or support, but I haven't experienced a reciprocal relationship yet and it's starting to get me down. How do you make someone realize that you need these things (which I thought were part of a healthy relationship anyway), without appearing needy?

 

Thanks

[creighton0123]

A relationship, especially in the beginning, should not be about needing things or needing someone. It is about wanting.

 

You don't need to be with that person. You want to be with that person. Your level of happiness should involve your significant other, but not be reliant on your significant other.

 

At the same time, you need to find someone who is comfortable giving and receiving the level of attention, time, and affection that you want in a relationship.

[wilsonx]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if someone could explain where the line between healthy emotional support/caring/dependency and 'codependency' lies? I wouldn't say I'm reliant on relationships for happiness, but I keep getting dumped for appearing too 'needy' or 'not manly enough'. I don't literally ask for affection or support, but I haven't experienced a reciprocal relationship yet and it's starting to get me down. How do you make someone realize that you need these things (which I thought were part of a healthy relationship anyway), without appearing needy?

 

Thanks

 

As a guy you need to look inward for affection and support from yourself. Especially in the beginning of a relationship. If you need emotional support from your significant other, you might want to look towards a close alpha male friend that you trust and can vent your feelings and frustrations too. Do not do this with a female friend ever.

 

Once the relationship starts to take off you lead with affection and support of what you want with actions and not words.

 

By you wanting affection and emotional support, you are being beta male. Women by nature are not attracted to beta males. Look for one of the most neediest friend that you have. Ask him how long his longest relationship if he has ever had one has lasted

Edited August 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[Feelin Frisky]

Co-dependence is a tricky word applied to a tricky thing. I had what seemed like a hundred people tell me different things and only understood it when the woman I was trying to make my wife drove me absolutely nuts with her case of it. It's about having no identity really. A "coda's" existence tends to not exist unless they have someone in their lives and no one who is not a "coda" feels it's their purpose in life to be live to accommodate someone like that. I would be careful about applying that term to myself. Ask yourself if you feel you have enough of your own interests in other things to land on your feet regardless of the comings and goings of anyone. Keep asking yourself that until the day you die and you'll never be a co-dependent. Perhaps you should just try a little harder to connect with who else you are so that if someone asks you what you're about you won't be lost for the first words.

[Taramere]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if someone could explain where the line between healthy emotional support/caring/dependency and 'codependency' lies? I wouldn't say I'm reliant on relationships for happiness, but I keep getting dumped for appearing too 'needy' or 'not manly enough'. I don't literally ask for affection or support, but I haven't experienced a reciprocal relationship yet and it's starting to get me down. How do you make someone realize that you need these things (which I thought were part of a healthy relationship anyway), without appearing needy?

 

Thanks

 

I think a good example of a codependent person would be one who always gravitates towards people with addiction or mental health problems. Who constantly acts as the "rescuer". Ostensibly they want to help, but on a deeper level it's in their interests that the person remain helpless/addicted/troubled....because as long as that person remains in that state, the codependent can get to feel needed. That's the thing that fuels their self esteem....feeling needed.

 

However, there's a natural human tendency to want to feel needed by your loved ones, so I think you're absolutely right to want to know...where is the line? When does it become unhealthy? The more people who use a term like that towards you, the more you're probably going to start thinking "is there some truth in this?"

 

You should probably also consider, though, whether you go for a "type" who is just that bit more likely than most to go pinning such labels on other people. I don't think being a sensitive and affectionate sort of person means you're co-dependent in some unhealthy way....but you would probably have to watch out for getting drawn into white knight/rescuer type situations. Once you get into the business of romanticising people with addictions or other problems, and trying to rescue/have meaningful relationships with them, then I would say you're veering more into that codependent situation.

 

Of course a lot of people do have these problems, and a person isn't automatically codependent because they happen to be in a relationship with an alcoholic or somebody with a severe emotional disturbance. If, though, you see yourself as the only person who can rescue them - as opposed to encouraging them to develop a good, strong support network (that will give them the best likelihood of success in overcoming their difficulties) then that's malignant co-dependence because you're not genuinely invested in them ever getting better.

 

ETA - not suggesting you're in any of those situations. I'm just trying to emphasise what I think an unhealthily co-dependent relationship would look like. Like so many other terms pertaining to psychological problems, it's one that tends to be bandied around indiscriminately.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Taramere

[HeavenOrHell]

I think both men and women should feel able to look to friends and partner for affection and support without appearing needy. I wish my partner felt more able to turn to me for support rather than bottling most of it up.

I would only find someone needy if they were smothering me, giving me very little space and didn't seem able to be happy without me, it's not needy to be affectionate, it's natural and something everyone wants/needs, although some people find it hard to admit as they worry it makes them appear weak. I am like this, I worry about appearing needy as I am very affectionate.

Although I've got to the point I am happy living on my own and doing my own thing and I wouldn't mind being single (I'm in an LDR, so not with him most of the time).

We do need to rely mostly on ourselves, and I would prefer to be with someone because I want to be with them and not so much because I need them, I wouldn't want my partner to be with me just cos he needed a partner, I want him to be with me cos he loves, wants and needs me, *want* being the bigger reason than need!