aeon jiminy Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 My last five relationships have been with married men. I'm always angry when they end and I swear I will never do it again. Now I am involved with a married man and his spouse is ill in the hospital. I'm feeling guilty because I don't care. I can't even let myself feel how hurtful and shameful I am. I'm also angry at myself because this isn't the person I want to be. Why do I always settle for second place? What's wrong with me?
silktricks Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Considering that this is a pattern and it's NOT where you want to be / not what you want to do, my suggestion is to find a counselor you like. One that can work with you to help you discover what's going on and work with you to help you change it. Ditto.
LoveandSuch Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You play the victim and villain. Sorry honey you cannot be both. You cannot have insight that you have no insight, it is impossible. Do not lie to us or yourself, you are a horrible person inside, and you obviously only care for yourself. You make your own choices. The only reason you continue to go for married men, is when they dump you, unlike a single man, you can blame the wife or the man because he is married, and not place blame on your apparent shortcomings.
TurboGirl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You play the victim and villain. Sorry honey you cannot be both. You cannot have insight that you have no insight, it is impossible. Do not lie to us or yourself, you are a horrible person inside, and you obviously only care for yourself. You make your own choices. The only reason you continue to go for married men, is when they dump you, unlike a single man, you can blame the wife or the man because he is married, and not place blame on your apparent shortcomings. Actually LoveandSuch, you are the horrible person. I've read some of your replies to other threads and you fancy yourself quite the superior judge. OP there is something not right, please find a counselor and explore all these relationships. Could be a fear of failure, a fear of true commitment, but whatever it is it is buried inside of you. Going to take some work to figure it out. Leave the MM alone!! Even when they come on to you, the ones that are vultures can sense an insecurity or a willingness to be with them. Get the help you need and you will have your answers.
Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It's something that comes from inside, if you're continually in a relationship with men who are married, you are choosing to be with men who are married. Next time you find out a man is married remove yourself from the man and the situation and you won't find yourself involved.
piscis Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I really recommend you take therapy. I am 29 and have been involved with 3 MM It is hard, really hard but I think as I continue therapy I will improve and discover things about my actions and decisions. I know now that I do not think fidelity can really be true, so as I do not think a man can be loyal to me I prefere to be in the other side of teh story,I prefere to one who knows he is cheatting instead of being the one cheatted on. I am not justiofying my actions,I am, with my heart in my hand saying honestly how I have learned this of myself. I am not able to leave the R yet but I know I will be better every day. You my dear, as me , are repeating a pattern that will cause you a lot of pain, we deserve better, take therapy is my advice, you will not like it a lot and you will have to make a lot of insights but you will be better.
MissBee Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) You play the victim and villain. Sorry honey you cannot be both. You cannot have insight that you have no insight, it is impossible. Do not lie to us or yourself, you are a horrible person inside, and you obviously only care for yourself. You make your own choices. The only reason you continue to go for married men, is when they dump you, unlike a single man, you can blame the wife or the man because he is married, and not place blame on your apparent shortcomings. Um wow....and you're such a great person? Quite honestly you really need to stop berating people all over the board as it makes you NO better, trust me, and not one thing you're saying is useful, insightful or is going to prod others to take a look at themselves or their situation. I'm just saying.... Anyway Aeon Jiminy: The first place I'd instruct you to visit is a site called Baggage Reclaim, Google it, it will shed some light on this issue. I too realized I had a pattern of dating unavailable men, they were not married, but one was committed to someone else and the rest had other forms of unavailability. Little did I know that I had issues surrounding emotional availability and commitment phobia thus subconsciously gravitated towards those kinds of situations, although they made me unhappy in the end. When you don't know what your issues are, you find yourself often working against yourself, feeling frustrated but with no idea why you can never get what you really want...shoot...sometimes you don't even know what it is you really want! It's a problem that can often stem from childhood and issues formed in your formative years and some people go through their lives never thinking about why they do what they do (I thought I was just "unlucky"...not ). Now that you're thinking about it, that's great, but you have to be prepared to truly see yourself and to address it. I'd suggest browsing the site I mentioned and reading some of the articles about being the other woman, the different forms of dubious relationships, self love etc. It will be really helpful! Just becoming increasingly aware through my own self-analysis and honesty, I am learning to point out my own issues, where they stem from, how they manifest in my actions and choices re relationships and am beginning to learn how to have a different set of beliefs that then guide the choices I make consciously and subconsciously. I second seeing a counselor, if you can, who can help you to work through whatever issues you have and provide tools for you to get to where you want to be. I am excited for you though, because you're not doomed, you've realized it's problematic and you don't like it and that sense of being uncomfortable usually pushes you to do something differently, and learn about yourself and eventually change things. Edited August 1, 2011 by MissBee
LoveandSuch Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Actually LoveandSuch, you are the horrible person. I've read some of your replies to other threads and you fancy yourself quite the superior judge. OP there is something not right, please find a counselor and explore all these relationships. Could be a fear of failure, a fear of true commitment, but whatever it is it is buried inside of you. Going to take some work to figure it out. Leave the MM alone!! Even when they come on to you, the ones that are vultures can sense an insecurity or a willingness to be with them. Get the help you need and you will have your answers. Sorry, but playing a victim if you have been with 5 married men is illogical. I am the horrible one, and 5xthe married guy girl, who wrote that she does not give a **** that her MM's wife is ill in the hospital is an angel I assume. She is a sick individual. Sorry OW, your excuses that you are not the one in a relationship therefore you are not at fault and are therefore prey to a predator do not pass the **** test. You have a choice, no one stuffed his hand in your panties. If you said no, there are a million of single men to choose from, and chose accordingly, the odds would be in better favor that you would not be sitting here dumped, miserable, and all alone.
MissBee Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Sorry, but playing a victim if you have been with 5 married men is illogical. I am the horrible one, and 5xthe married guy girl, who wrote that she does not give a **** that her MM's wife is ill in the hospital is an angel I assume. She is a sick individual. Sorry OW, your excuses that you are not the one in a relationship therefore you are not at fault and are therefore prey to a predator do not pass the **** test. You have a choice, no one stuffed his hand in your panties. If you said no, there are a million of single men to choose from, and chose accordingly, the odds would be in better favor that you would not be sitting here dumped, miserable, and all alone. The poster did not say any of what you said, neither is she playing the victim. Their have been posters whov'e expressed that they're not the one with wandering eyes, well maybe if the BS was more attractive this would not have happened, well evidently they're giving the WS something this other person can't, well they're not the one's cheating, well why should they care about this other person whom they don't know and other such sentiments that I can understand how someone would accuse such a person of not taking responsibility, making excuses and so forth. But in this case, the poster has done NO such thing. She has expressed that she realizes this is a horrible pattern and wants to stop....what more would you like? For her to hang herself? What would be your SUGGESTIONS besides name calling? While arguments go on back and forth about the kinds of advice given on this board and whether or not people agree with it, even then, at least it is advice, whether good, bad or misguided...I don't see you offering anything resembling advice though in ANY of your posts. I do not care to tell people how to post their actual advice (regardless of if I agree or not)...but I do care to ask those who clearly go around spouting venom without ever giving any advice with it at least...what their purpose is?
MissBee Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 He's back...... Welcome back RepairMinded/JMK. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: I thought that too
Spark1111 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Considering that this is a pattern and it's NOT where you want to be / not what you want to do, my suggestion is to find a counselor you like. One that can work with you to help you discover what's going on and work with you to help you change it. Because you do not believe you deserve more? Because setting your sights on someone who is unavailable has less risk-rejection involved, as in he didn't reject me, he was already married. Low self-esteem from childhood, where you had either a neglectful, or abusive, or absentee father? I'd start in counseling too.
Mimolicious Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I really recommend you take therapy. I am 29 and have been involved with 3 MM It is hard, really hard but I think as I continue therapy I will improve and discover things about my actions and decisions. I know now that I do not think fidelity can really be true, so as I do not think a man can be loyal to me I prefere to be in the other side of teh story,I prefere to one who knows he is cheatting instead of being the one cheatted on. I am not justiofying my actions,I am, with my heart in my hand saying honestly how I have learned this of myself. I am not able to leave the R yet but I know I will be better every day. You my dear, as me , are repeating a pattern that will cause you a lot of pain, we deserve better, take therapy is my advice, you will not like it a lot and you will have to make a lot of insights but you will be better. Sorry to t/j for a bit but HI PISCIS!!! Sorry to hear that you are still hurting and dealing with your MM but I am glad to hear from you. AEON- were you raised with your Dad? Was he a good father figure? Maybe you are looking to fill a void that has been there since your childhood and this is why you fall for these type of men. Are they around your age or older?
LoveandSuch Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 The poster did not say any of what you said, neither is she playing the victim. Their have been posters whov'e expressed that they're not the one with wandering eyes, well maybe if the BS was more attractive this would not have happened, well evidently they're giving the WS something this other person can't, well they're not the one's cheating, well why should they care about this other person whom they don't know and other such sentiments that I can understand how someone would accuse such a person of not taking responsibility, making excuses and so forth. But in this case, the poster has done NO such thing. She has expressed that she realizes this is a horrible pattern and wants to stop....what more would you like? For her to hang herself? What would be your SUGGESTIONS besides name calling? While arguments go on back and forth about the kinds of advice given on this board and whether or not people agree with it, even then, at least it is advice, whether good, bad or misguided...I don't see you offering anything resembling advice though in ANY of your posts. I do not care to tell people how to post their actual advice (regardless of if I agree or not)...but I do care to ask those who clearly go around spouting venom without ever giving any advice with it at least...what their purpose is? She alluded to the fact everything I mentioned. She said the wife is in the hospital and she does not care. She only cares that SHE does not care, self pity, not any compassion for the wife mentioned who is the one being cheated on and is sick in the hospital. I bet you 100% that if an OW were to post her MM confided his wife did not care he was in the hospital you would all jump on her character like white on rice. And sorry, but looking at all the woofs in the media lately being the OW of prominent men, looks have the least to do with cheating. It is that particular man's character defect. He will head for the nearest prostitute or willing OW, most likely the cheaper of the two and legal.
MissBee Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 She alluded to the fact everything I mentioned. She said the wife is in the hospital and she does not care. She only cares that SHE does not care, self pity, not any compassion for the wife mentioned who is the one being cheated on and is sick in the hospital. I bet you 100% that if an OW were to post her MM confided his wife did not care he was in the hospital you would all jump on her character like white on rice. And sorry, but looking at all the woofs in the media lately being the OW of prominent men, looks have the least to do with cheating. It is that particular man's character defect. He will head for the nearest prostitute or willing OW, most likely the cheaper of the two and legal. I have no idea how what most of what you've said has to do with any of what I asked you....but thank you for your response nonetheless. So what is your suggestion for aeon? You have criticism and berating, what is the NEXT step?
carhill Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 OP, recognizing the unhealthiness of one's choices and accepting it are the first steps to resolving it. Based on your OP, you are articulating that recognition and acceptance. You appear to express remorse, also an important psychological nuance. What you need is tools. A toolbox you can reach into when such challenges face you. As mentioned by others, a skilled and competent psychologist with experience in infidelity can assist you in IC to learn and master tools to make healthier choices in the future and a plan to implement them. What are you willing to commit to today? Name one thing. It doesn't have to be large or life-altering. Just one step along this path you seem to want for yourself. Keeping busy, as you mentioned in another post, is one positive idea. Let's hear more. We're listening. Welcome to LS
LoveandSuch Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I have no idea how what most of what you've said has to do with any of what I asked you....but thank you for your response nonetheless. So what is your suggestion for aeon? You have criticism and berating, what is the NEXT step? She could find a psychologist, but they cannot help someone if they do not have the traits to care about others. Once you have zero empathy or compassion that someone's wife is sick in a hospital then it will be an uphill battle toward healing and in developing or learning those traits. 5x is not just oops we fell in love and it just happened. Past behavoir predicts future. I do have to apologize that I did not notice this was an OW/MM board specifically and have made other comments. Will not post here again, this is your board for your own well being and posting. Carelessly flipping back and forth last two days doing internet related work committments and posting.
Lizzie60 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 My last five relationships have been with married men. I'm always angry when they end and I swear I will never do it again. Now I am involved with a married man and his spouse is ill in the hospital. I'm feeling guilty because I don't care. I can't even let myself feel how hurtful and shameful I am. I'm also angry at myself because this isn't the person I want to be. Why do I always settle for second place? What's wrong with me? For some people it is hard to break a pattern.. I am not sure why... I know this woman who was a widow at 32, she is now 58 and she only had married boyfriend.. one has last for over 20 years, she is tired (she said) of him.. but she just can't break up with him.. (go figure... I don,t understand).. As for myself.. it is a choice.. so it doesn't make me feel miserable.. I am quite happy with my choice..
stillafool Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Because you do not believe you deserve more? Because setting your sights on someone who is unavailable has less risk-rejection involved, as in he didn't reject me, he was already married. Low self-esteem from childhood, where you had either a neglectful, or abusive, or absentee father? I'd start in counseling too. This is what I think also. The excuse that "I always end up with MM, unavailable men", etc.;comes off sounding like that is all you can get. Any pretty woman who has tons of single guys chasing them will not settle for a MM. They don't have time to wait around for a MM because they are too busy dating and having fun with single men. They also don't sit alone on holidays because they have plans with single men. The excuse of "I have commitment issues" doesn't really fly either because no one says you have to commit to a single guy or anyone else unless you want to.
Lizzie60 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 On the other hand.. I'm not that surprised.. the best are always taken.. .. I like the best in everything..
donnamaybe Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 On the other hand.. I'm not that surprised.. the best are always taken.. .. I like the best in everything.. Yep. The "best" married men are always running about with their drawers around their ankles, panting after whoever feels poorly enough to give them the time of day.
MissBee Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Yep. The "best" married men are always running about with their drawers around their ankles, panting after whoever feels poorly enough to give them the time of day. I'M SAYING! If you're taken and chasing me....you being among " the best"....errr....I beg to differ, well according to my standards anyway
eleanor01 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Aww, Honey. Bless your heart. I agree with the others that you need to heal yourself and figure out why you've repeated this situation so many times. Counseling is probably going to hurt and make you mad at times, but having somebody trained who can help you dig deep inside yourself could be invaluable. Good luck, Ellie
eleanor01 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 i just pictured how that would look...some middle aged guy running around ( or trying to-having his pants around his ankles would probably make him fall down on his rear) trying to catch some young lady ...meanwhile, his wife is running after him , tryimg to whack him upside the head with a rolling pin and a police officer is chasing her for trying to whack her husband with the rolling pin...with the whole thing being sped up to high speed all you need is to have "wacky sax" playing and you have yourself a Benny Hill sketch OMG. OMG. Literally tears, I'm laughing so hard. Thank you. I need that laugh today. Best, Ellie
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