Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Consider getting the book, "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston. Download from aftertheaffair.net I would say my W was initially a bit offended by how much the book puts the A on your shoulders but she recently told me it did the most for her when it came to how to deal with me, especially the inevitable outbursts. She really took ownership of her affair and fixing it pretty much right away. If she hadn't, I don't think we'd be reconciling. You're going to need ridiculous patience to get thru this. Sounds like you are truly remorseful and just need to know what to do. I say download the book now and get reading. If you and your STBH are readers and he's trying to reconcile, get "Surviving An Affair" next. Thanks. I will look into that. I love to read and he reads, but not sure if he wants to reconcile yet. If he does, he may still not be interested but I may read it just the same. I wish I could do more to make up for what I did but nothing will change what happened. I am just trying to focus on being honest. I am continuing IC and am going to attend my first Al-anon meeting tonight because I have major issues from my dad and growing up with him being an alcoholic. I hope my STBH attends therapy with me but I don't know. I will continue regardless. Thanks again for the tip.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 If he ends up staying, get this book and read it together: His Needs Her Needs. It will help both of you understand how to 'feed' a relationship so that such things like cheating and neglect (on either side) never happen again. I have heard of that title, actually. I may bring some of this up in couple's therapy if he attends... thank you.
Bryanp Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It sounds like you are doing all of the right things but I see a huge problem. You are engaged to marry this man and you did not just have a one night stand. You continued to have sex with this other man for a month. You knew what you were doing for a month. I think it is really hard to forgive this when you are engaged. If the roles were reversed do you think you would be so forgiving? I know if he had been more sexual this would not have happened. A huge problem is that he is suffering from depression. You realize that this month long affair has destroyed his self-esteem and self-worth. Why would he believe that you would not do this again when the going gets difficult again? Was your boyfriend in shock or did he expect this because of his problem. When were you both planning to get married?
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 It sounds like you are doing all of the right things but I see a huge problem. You are engaged to marry this man and you did not just have a one night stand. You continued to have sex with this other man for a month. You knew what you were doing for a month. I think it is really hard to forgive this when you are engaged. If the roles were reversed do you think you would be so forgiving? I know if he had been more sexual this would not have happened. A huge problem is that he is suffering from depression. You realize that this month long affair has destroyed his self-esteem and self-worth. Why would he believe that you would not do this again when the going gets difficult again? Was your boyfriend in shock or did he expect this because of his problem. When were you both planning to get married? I don't know if I would be forgiving or not. I wish I had worked harder to have him work on seeing a doc about his Low T. Maybe that would have helped him. I guess he won't know unless he's willing to reconcile. I suppose I can't predict my own behavior but I know what I did was wrong and terrible and I am ashamed. and as far as those things go, I feel I would never do it again. I wish I had made better choices and broken things off if I were that unhappy. An affair was not my goal. He was in shock. Or so he seemed to me. Wedding planned for end of Sept.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 All you can do is continue working on you, be a TOTAL open book, allow him access to your cell, email etc., anytime he feels like looking to ease his mind. All the faith and trust he had in you is gone.. You did the right thing by ending your A, getting help and confessing to your husband. Let your actions now and in the future prove to him that you are worthy of a second chance, but don't push him. Allow him to call the shots, let him know that you do love him and intend to do everything he asks of you. I wish I had worked harder to have him work on seeing a doc about his Low T. Maybe that would have helped him. Do you mean it would have prevented you from cheating if you had pushed him harder? Remember that old saying..You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it! At the end of the day, your husband had to make the choice to get help, better himself with his depression and seeing the Dr for his low T. level.
John Michael Kane Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) I confessed my affair. It lasted about a month. It ended almost a month ago. I have been in a mostly sexless relationship and believe that was part of why I had an affair. I also had just started prozac. I think that also played a role. So you're blaming your affair that you willingly started, on your husband, and because of prozac....... I made a horrible mistake. STBH is still processing what I said. We have been together 11 years. I am lost. I wish I could take back what happened but I can't. I am in therapy. I had made an appointment for us before I confessed. He's not sure now if he will be going. What is next?What you did was not a mistake. It was a calculated decision, and no one made you stay in a sexless relationship. It'd be best to just call off the relationship altogether. He needs to be alone and this is not how a marriage should begin, let alone flourish. Edited August 4, 2011 by John Michael Kane
bornb4thewind Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Why so long in a relationship before being married? Just curious.
Author fire_fly Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Why so long in a relationship before being married? Just curious. He didn't believe in marriage.
Author fire_fly Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 So you're blaming your affair that you willingly started, on your husband, and because of prozac....... What you did was not a mistake. It was a calculated decision, and no one made you stay in a sexless relationship. It'd be best to just call off the relationship altogether. He needs to be alone and this is not how a marriage should begin, let alone flourish. Bad choices are usually mistakes. Was never unfaithful til a month after starting prozac. I love him. I didn't always stay. We separated for 2 months last year. He got help for his depression and it was a miracle. We have gone thru a lot together. If he wants to end things, then I will have to accept it. But he's willing to try therapy. So we are gonna try.
John Michael Kane Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Bad choices are usually mistakes. Was never unfaithful til a month after starting prozac. Bad choices are calculated decisions and in your case, it was not a mistake. Neither does a pill excuse what happened. I love him. I didn't always stay. We separated for 2 months last year. He got help for his depression and it was a miracle. We have gone thru a lot together. If he wants to end things, then I will have to accept it. But he's willing to try therapy. So we are gonna try. And that's good he got help, but look at what he has to deal with right now.
PegNosePete Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Bad choices are usually mistakes. No, stubbing your toe on the bath is a mistake. Spelling library with one R is a mistake. A goalkeeper diving left when he should have gone right is a mistake. Bad choices are bad choices.
jnj express Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 Are you sure going ahead with this mge., makes any sense You have cheated, and if something comes up years into the mge., you will cheat again, for it is already in you to "dis" your fiance---it doesn't matter what you say---its there You both are on meds, for various things---do you really think things are gonna get better Sure you can go to counseleing, and you will get some relief--MAYBE--but what about down the line???? Mge. is extremely hard work, you have found just living together hard work, and the both of you have not been successful, and what do you have right now----you cheat, you drink, you are depressed,---he can't satisfy you sexually, he is depressed-----is there really a viable relationship there Whatever you do end up doing---for both your sakes, postpone your mge., and see how this chapter of your life plays out---cuz once you take your vows, you just can't walk away as you can now
Recommended Posts