fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I confessed my affair. It lasted about a month. It ended almost a month ago. I have been in a mostly sexless relationship and believe that was part of why I had an affair. I also had just started prozac. I think that also played a role. I made a horrible mistake. STBH is still processing what I said. We have been together 11 years. I am lost. I wish I could take back what happened but I can't. I am in therapy. I had made an appointment for us before I confessed. He's not sure now if he will be going. What is next?
road Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 keep things on one thread. makes it hard to refresh the story.
PegNosePete Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Next? Well you wait to see what your husband wants to do. Whether he can live with a cheater or not. That is out of your hands. If you haven't done so, cut off all contact with the OM. If you haven't done so, give your husband all your email passwords, access to your phone messages and records, everything should be 100% open and transparent.
Bryanp Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It is good that you confessed. You now need to get tested for STD's. What are the reasons for your sexless relationship?
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) I have cut ties with xAP. I did that about a month ago. Why Sexless? My STBH has one testicle. He also was dealing with major depression for a long time. He finally went on meds last year and I know antidepressants can also cause issues. But Emotionally he's feeling so much better. Things were not always sexless. But it got worse and worse. I felt lonely, rejected and sad. I made friend with my xAP. and things were platonic until I drank too much and he said he could no longer resist. Once the flood gates opened, I just got swept away. I told my guy I will do anything to rebuild. I know hes lost all faith and trust in me. My dad cheated on my mom and I vowed I never would. But I did and I hate myself. Edited August 1, 2011 by fire_fly typos.
rafallus Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) Why Sexless? My STBH has one testicle. He also was dealing with major depression for a long time. He finally went on meds last year and I know antidepressants can also cause issues. But Emotionally he's feeling so much better. Things were not always sexless. But it got worse and worse. I felt lonely, rejected and sad. I made friend with my xAP. and things were platonic until I drank too much and he said he could no longer resist. Once the flood gates opened, I just got swept away. I told my guy I will do anything to rebuild. I know hes lost all faith and trust in me. My dad cheated on my mom and I vowed I never would. But I did and I hate myself. Maybe you should consider talking with him about getting your needs satisfied, even if from other men (he won't take it well probably though)? Edited August 1, 2011 by rafallus
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 It took years to finally have him try an antidepressant. I think he has low testosterone. But its not something most Ppl want to discuss with Dr. Briefly discussed rules if we were to have an open relationship. But he seemed to be joking.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It took years to finally have him try an antidepressant. I think he has low testosterone. But its not something most Ppl want to discuss with Dr. Briefly discussed rules if we were to have an open relationship. But he seemed to be joking. I gained a bunch of weight from stress one time and my testosterone dropped. My physician put me on the supplement and my god what a difference. My energy levels went back to normal, depressed feelings went away, sex drive was back to normal... ect. Of course you having an affair will create a completely different type of depression. No pill for that.
Bryanp Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 If you want to destroy this relationship then engage in an open marriage.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Def don't want an open marriage. As for testosterone stuff...how long did u take? He is overweight but has lost weight after starting antidepressant. He hadn't worked in 9 months. He lobstered with his uncle last summer and its hard work. Now thru that, he has a better paying job with less physical labor. Just had a therapy session. So going to take things one day at a time.
jnj express Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You write STBH---is that soon to be husband, as in you are engaged to be married, or soon to be ex husband in that now you might end up divorced
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Engaged to be married. Been together 10 years before that happened. Broke up briefly last year because he wouldn't get help for his major depression and it was taking a huge toll on me. After we broke up, he finally got help. We were separated about 2 months. Before we broke up he had already asked my best friend for my ring size. So he asked me to marry him when we got back together and I think it was too soon but I said yes...I couldn't believe it because for a long time he didn't believe in marriage. I also am trying to attend my first Al-anon meeting tonight...to help with my issues, along with the IC. and we have our therapy session Thursday if he decides to come...
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 WHATEVER YOU DO! You need to take ownership of your affair. Do not make excuses to him. i.e. we weren't having sex, I felt alone, you put up an emotional wall, you were always depressed...blah...blah... And I'm not taking those away from you, those are factors that have hurt your relationship in the past, but those didn't cause the affair, you did. You made that choice. All of those problems could have been addressed BEFORE you engaged in an affair. So, they aren't excuses. So, he IS to blame for 50% of the problems in the relationship, you are 50% to blame for the problems in the relationship. But the affair is 100% on you.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I know I made the decision to have the affair. I was just stating what led up to it, or what I think did. I made a poor choice. I was drunk and then after that it just gets worse. I just am trying to work on it day by day...as my therapist and others have said to do. Giving my STBH space and time. Accepting that he may end our relationship. I deserve whatever I get. but I honestly want to work thru this...I hope he does too. I am hoping in therapy we can talk about why it happened and what we can do to make our relationship better.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 okay, will do. Thanks for the tip.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 WHATEVER YOU DO! You need to take ownership of your affair. Do not make excuses to him. i.e. we weren't having sex, I felt alone, you put up an emotional wall, you were always depressed...blah...blah... And I'm not taking those away from you, those are factors that have hurt your relationship in the past, but those didn't cause the affair, you did. You made that choice. All of those problems could have been addressed BEFORE you engaged in an affair. So, they aren't excuses. So, he IS to blame for 50% of the problems in the relationship, you are 50% to blame for the problems in the relationship. But the affair is 100% on you. I did try to work on these things before the affair. He shuts down when I try to talk. I don't place many demands on him but wanted him to make a compromise with me. He got on meds and things improved but I still have anger and resentment...been in therapy working on that as well.
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Cool, I didn't want that to come across as...harsh. But, I see now, you have a good grasp at what's going on here. Well, you're not in the driver's seat. You're right. Everything is up to him now. All you can do to reassure him that you were selfish and that your sorry. You love him and you want to make this work. But ultimately it's up to him. I hope that everything works out for you!
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Cool, I didn't want that to come across as...harsh. But, I see now, you have a good grasp at what's going on here. Well, you're not in the driver's seat. You're right. Everything is up to him now. All you can do to reassure him that you were selfish and that your sorry. You love him and you want to make this work. But ultimately it's up to him. I hope that everything works out for you!
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Thanks. Its like I need support but who wants to support a cheater? Luckily, that's what therapy is for. I am going to work hard and put forth all my efforts to save this relationship. My STBH needs space. I am scared but I brought all of this down on myself. I probably could have just not said anything but I confided in one friend and well her boyfriend is close with my STBH and I just realized I had to take control of the situation and fess up before he found out from someone else. Should I email my fiancee my thoughts or wait? or see if he wants to listen?
Chi townD Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) Well, I think you could ask your therapist if that would be okay. However, I don''t see anything wrong with it. But, if you do, I feel that you have to be completely honest about it. I wouldn't write it off as a night of drinking that got out of hand. I would convey that it was something that was completely selfish and cowardly and that it was the biggest mistake of your life. That you realized that you hurt him in the worst possible way. That if given the chance, you would spend the rest of your life making it up to him. You can try to tell him that from now on you will be completely honest with him and transparent about everything. You know your words better than I do. I just wouldn't put anything that remotely looks like an excuse, because to be honest...there isn't any. Oh, and by the way, it's good that you confessed to it. Any relationship that you had with him was based on lies. Hell, he's finally on ant-depressant and you just started on prozac. Do you think that keeping a secret like this could have been a contributing factor. Because, your man knew something was up. Something was off with the two of you. Perphaps he didn't want to admit it and chose to ignore it. However, your secret MIGHT have been a contributing factor to both of your health. Edited August 1, 2011 by Chi townD
Memphis Raines Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I know I made the decision to have the affair. I was just stating what led up to it, or what I think did. I made a poor choice. I was drunk and then after that it just gets worse. you were drunk? thought you said this affair lasted a month. kind of negates your excuse of being drunk. Giving my STBH space and time. Accepting that he may end our relationship. I deserve whatever I get. but I honestly want to work thru this well that would be easier for you to want. you are the one that went out and gratified yourself with another man. working through it is going to be tougher for your husband to swallow. I am hoping in therapy we can talk about why it happened and what we can do to make our relationship better. and what difference would it make for him to know why it happened? according to you, it happened because you are in a sexless marriage of something that is no fault of his own. having one testicle will reduce testosterone. and being as far as being depressed and being on medication, that doesn't help the libido even more. so basically the outcome of knowing "why" you cheated is to basically say, "hey, maybe you can get testosterone treatment, otherwise I don't know if I can keep from having sex with another man". What matters not is why you did it, because there is nothing he can do about it but get shot up with something. and he would be doing it to keep a cheating wife from cheating. sounds like extortion to me.
Memphis Raines Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 and he would be crazy to marry someone that cheated while engaged.
Kidd Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Consider getting the book, "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston. Download from aftertheaffair.net I would say my W was initially a bit offended by how much the book puts the A on your shoulders but she recently told me it did the most for her when it came to how to deal with me, especially the inevitable outbursts. She really took ownership of her affair and fixing it pretty much right away. If she hadn't, I don't think we'd be reconciling. You're going to need ridiculous patience to get thru this. Sounds like you are truly remorseful and just need to know what to do. I say download the book now and get reading. If you and your STBH are readers and he's trying to reconcile, get "Surviving An Affair" next.
Author fire_fly Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 (edited) I was drunk the very first time. Then the flood gates opened. I stated that in one of my first few posts. As for what you said, I did go out and have sex with another man. I can't take back what happened. but I am going to do whatever it takes to make it up to my fiance. and if I can't, then that's something I am going to have to live with. but I regret what I did and I know his pain is even worse than mine. I don't expect things to change overnight. I am going to give him the chance to think and tell me what he wants to do next. I am getting help for the issues that led up to the affair and whatnot. I ultimately made the decision but I have to face what led me there. I need to learn from this and not make the same mistakes. I think its important that if we want to get through this he will be a part of me resolving my issues. I don't expect him to be all hunky dory about everything. but its important for him to know why I think. Yes, it will help me but I believe it could help our relationship. He has a diagnosis of depression which started long ago....and long ago I started with anxiety and OCD, diagnosed this year. Been working on getting better for over 2 years now. I have not forced him to see a doctor for the low T. If only it were that easy. but I was suffering too. I made a very bad choice because of that but he wasn't willing to try to meet me half way. I can't say that it didn't leave me feeling resentful and sad and lonely because it did. The affair is not his fault. If anything, if I were that unhappy, I should have just left. Easier said than done. and not all T is in needle form. I am doing everything I can right now to move forward. If I have to move forward alone, then thats that. Edited August 1, 2011 by fire_fly needed to clarify something.
turnera Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 If he ends up staying, get this book and read it together: His Needs Her Needs. It will help both of you understand how to 'feed' a relationship so that such things like cheating and neglect (on either side) never happen again.
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