Tybalt Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I just started dating a guy a little over a month ago. It was very intense very quickly, and he asked me to be his girlfriend quite fast. As we are both "mature" adults (me 30's, him early 40's), and I'd "seen him around" for a long period of time, I felt this was okay as we both seem to know what we want. However, about a week and a half ago he pulled back and by his own admission "freaked out' a bit about how fast we were going - though he emphasized he still wanted to be with me. He asked me to think about what he said. My response was to give him plenty of space and to do just that. Within a day he was eager to see me and talk, but I took a couple of additional days to really think about the situation, what he said, and what I wanted. I concluded that we aren't really in any disagreement about how to proceed, and in fact found myself grateful that he pulled back a bit so we could be a little more paced and rooted in a realistic mindset. I told him this as well. Over the past week since our "new understanding," I've been dealing with some difficult issues both professionally and personally. I'm finding myself questioning how much of this I should expose him to or involve him in, especially given the slow down we just experienced and agreed to. There is no question that we are exclusive and want to see if something serious will develop. I'm just concerned about seeming like a person who has a bunch of challenges in her life (since we are new), and putting him off. So far, he is acting fine with all of it, but I'm wondering, what is appropriate given the stage we are in, in allowing him to be some emotional and even practical support? He offers to listen and sometimes to help if he can, but would it be better for me to manage the difficulties alone for awhile and focus more on having fun with him? We have had a lot of fun experiences with one another thus far, but I do at present have these heavier matters to attend to.
RecordProducer Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 So far, he is acting fine with all of it, but I'm wondering, what is appropriate given the stage we are in, in allowing him to be some emotional and even practical support? He offers to listen and sometimes to help if he can, but would it be better for me to manage the difficulties alone for awhile and focus more on having fun with him? Nobody can answer that question without knowing what kind of help you need, considering you said "allow." Do we "allow" people to help us? Or do we ask for help? It depends. Some men love to help and take care of others. Some want you to keep your problems away from them. First decide what kind of man you want in your life. Whatever you do, don't ask for money.
Author Tybalt Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 That is absolutely right about money and I'd never ask for that, nor do I need that kind of help currently. When I talk of help or support, I mean more along the lines of being able to confide my frustrations or struggles with him (emotional support). As far as the practical support goes, for example, we are both single parents of one. My young son recently became quite ill and I couldn't leave the house to get some groceries for him. My bf had asked me to let him know if he could do anything, so in a moment of real need, with no one else to ask at that moment, I did ask if he could pick them up. He did this very willingly, and I tried to pay him back for them (he laughed at me and refused). Basically, I'm trying to figure out what is appropriate at this stage. You make a good point about the different types of people and maybe I'm just confused or unsure about what type of person he is - whether he likes helping or ultimately gets turned off by another's difficulties. I have always had a hard time asking for help and have been resolutely independent. I haven't had a fully integrated-into-my-life, serious relationship in 3 years, either, so I'm sure that's adding to my uncertainty in how one goes about such things.
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