lwaters Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 New to this forum because I was looking for some outside advice. I'm 27, been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. He's the same age. The big issue right now is money and how I feel like he isn't helping out at all. To make a long story short money has been a big problem. We had an apartment but I lost my job because the business closed, so he was pretty much the sole income. But I would still contribute whatever I had (even cashed in savings bonds and sold my instruments) and I took care of all the household chores. We ended up living with parents for awhile because our finances were too great. So I ended up going back to school so I was only working part time so I wasn't bringing a whole lot, but I was still covering the little bills we had and I started buying all the groceries. Well I ended up losing that job cause it closed so I went on unemployment during my last 3 semesters of school. But during that time I was paying for all the groceries, always had my share of cell phones and was contributing where I could. The tables are now turned. I graduated and got a job in my field and during my last semester he ended up losing his job because they moved to another state. He was granted the school unemployment program so I told him to take advantage of that and go back to finish his degree. Well he pretty much hasn't helped with a lot since he lost his job. It took him 6 months before he even bothered registering for classes and during the entire time, he spent all day playing video games and watching tv. I had complained because I was now taking care of all the bills and still doing all the household chores - which I said he was being lazy, which then prompted him to break up with me and move back into his parents while I was at mine. We ended up getting back together and got another apartment but nothing has changed. He's only given me money towards bills a hand full of times and still doesn't help out with any of the chores. So now I've pretty much gone broke and gone insane because I've been so stressed out. I have no money left and I'm forced to sell more of my stuff because he can't even give me $40 a week towards bills. And added to the bills I'm paying half of his car payment now so thats really killing me too. I've tried talking to him about it and telling him that all I need is $40 a week from him and we'd be fine, but he always claims that he's been giving me money every week for stuff, which isn't true at all. and that he shouldn't have to do anything because I didn't do anything when I was in school. Which again, isnt true. Then he told me that I don't know "what I'm doing" and that I need to tell him when things are due and how much. Which I have been telling him and even made little envelopes for each bill with how much they're are and when they're due and hung them on our fridge. So its like no matter what I say or do, he's always right and I'm always wrong and then he continues to not contribute or do anything. So I have no clue what to do anymore. I feel like he's taking total advantage of me right now. He never even says thank you for all the stuff I do around here. And thats just what makes it harder. I don't feel like his girlfriend anymore. I just feel like his mother. And I'm miserable. Just don't know what to do. I mean am I in the wrong here? Any advice would be helpful.
Cracker Jack Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 No, you're not wrong at all. Honestly, it doesn't sound like this relationship is worth being in at this point.
musemaj11 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 A real woman treats her man like a king at home and does all the household chores.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 A real woman treats her man like a king at home and does all the household chores. I don't see how this applies to this thread at all. Unless you think she should work and do the chores while he does absolutely nothing. Anyway OP, did he ever show any inclination towards this before this whole situation went down? Or is it totally out of character for him?
musemaj11 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 A gentleman doesn't do household chores. They are womens jobs.
skydiveaddict Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Just don't know what to do. I mean am I in the wrong here? Any advice would be helpful. I don't get it. What's the problem?
SmileFace Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 A gentleman doesn't do household chores. They are womens jobs. You are in for sex-less life. An irrelevant answer to your irrelevancy
Nexus One Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Part of being in a relationship is being a team. Not that being a team is a goal in itself, but you do that because you love the other person and want to be with her/him. He's not giving off the vibe right now that he wants to be a team with you to make things work. In my opinion you are right.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 A gentleman doesn't do household chores. They are womens jobs. Perhaps he should get a job and pay for a housekeeper then.
Author lwaters Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 I can't really say if its out of character for him. I guess you could say that because when we were at his parents, he didn't even help out there. Always just hid in our room in the basement and played his xbox. I actually was helping his mom clean the house because I just wanted to help out somehow seeing how we were staying there. But his mom did a lot for him, including his laundry and was even paying his student loans and debt off for him - so I kind of blame her for how he acts now. When we were at my dads he claimed he didnt have to help out because "it wasn't his house" so he didn't do any chores there either. So I guess you can say he's been the same when it comes to helping out. If he were at least helping around the house seeing how Im at work all day, the money issues wouldn't bother me so much cause least he was doing something. But he's not. All he does is go out and play his xbox. The money issue just bugs me because he makes it out like he was paying for everything all the time, which isn't true because if he was, I wouldn't of had to sell all my instruments and cash in all my savings bonds. And as for groceries, he's never given me money towards that but then complains about what I buy. So its like you can never make him happy.
musemaj11 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You are in for sex-less life. An irrelevant answer to your irrelevancy Doing household chores is not part of being a gentleman.
SmileFace Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Doing household chores is not part of being a gentleman. By my gu-estimate, you still live with your mother. Right, Smileface is right!
Ruby Slippers Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 He sounds like a big dead weight around your neck. This isn't going to get any better. Why are you with him?
Author lwaters Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Part of being in a relationship is being a team. Not that being a team is a goal in itself, but you do that because you love the other person and want to be with her/him. He's not giving off the vibe right now that he wants to be a team with you to make things work. In my opinion you are right. Thats EXACTLY how I feel. We're supposed to be a couple and work together. But he's not doing that, which then makes me feel that he couldn't really care about our relationship to begin with. As for why I'm with him - I do love him and we've had a lot of great times together and have a lot in common. Just seems like every year this crap gets worse.
musemaj11 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 By my gu-estimate, you still live with your mother. Right, Smileface is right! Lol, you are very funny. I do chores on my own. But not because I want to. Its becausse I don't have a woman to do them for me right now.
bigmomma1974 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I feel your pain. I feel the same way about my husband. I am so tired of doing it all. I just quit doing it all together. When my kids are here I cook and clean. For them but he has taking all my love and used me over and over. A relationship is supode tyo be 50/50 in my eyes and here its 90/10 even if its that. My advice would be to leave. I am in that state right nwo but don't know where I would go or how id get there. I have no transportation I hope things look up fvor ya. I would tell him help out or get out. G/l .
Author lwaters Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah I'm pretty much at that point right now. I told him I wasn't happy and that he needed to start helping out. But all he could do was get mad, tell me that he was doing stuff, say that I was ungrateful and then just get up and go out with his friends and ignore me when he was home.
Casablanca Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Id say dump him...it is a one sided relationship that isnt going to change; youve given him plenty of time...and dont let the "I'll get job and go to school" last ditch effort to save the relationship work on you....at worst you might want to take a break and reconsider it months down the road but let it be known you two are free to see other people if you choose.
sm1tten Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It seems like you have done all you can do to make this work as a team and he's not budging, so I'd have to eject. I know it's hard because you love him and have so many years together, but honestly, this guy sounds like he isn't ready to be a grown up, and perhaps the two of you were not emotionally/financially ready to be living together. It most likely is not going to get better.
musemaj11 Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Haha, I bet all these 50/50 women on the other hand also believe that its a man' job to pay on dates, pick them up with a car on dates, open door, pull out chair, etc. Well you got yourself a gentleman as you wanted. And as you learn now, gentlemen don't lift a finger at home. Suck on that b*tches!
Queen Zenobia Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Haha, I bet all these 50/50 women on the other hand also believe that its a man' job to pay on dates, pick them up with a car on dates, open door, pull out chair, etc. Well you got yourself a gentleman as you wanted. And as you learn now, gentlemen don't lift a finger at home. Suck on that b*tches! 1) The man in the OP's story doesn't pay for anything. Would it be fair for him to pay for nothing and also do no chores? 2) You depict a very antiquated style of living. Reminds me of Leave it to Beaver reruns.
angili Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Well! i dont know what is your main problem, but i would suggest for your boyfriend that, use the latest pherx oil its best and attract strongly male and female.
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You've been with him for five years. He isn't going to change. You can be a doormat or kick him out/leave and find someone better. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. He will go back to mummy and daddy, so no worries.
youngskywalker Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Just saying; I wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning and look myself in the mirror if I wasn't doing my share financially in a relationship. I think your b/f is a loser. There is nothing wrong with taking a week off from life, playing x-box and forgetting to take a shower. This isn't the case here. Instead it looks like he is taking advantage of you. How does he respond when he sees you selling your possessions to make ends-meet as he just plays video games? Doesn't that bother you? Why are you letting him use you to take the easy way in life? As far as his role in household chores and such as I won't comment. There will be differing views on that subject but come on!... At least make the guy pay his 50% of the bills!!!! If he can't do a minimum of that then kick the guy to the curb.
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