nonamefornow Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Hi I'm new here though have read through some posts in the last month trying to help me cope with my situation.....have never googled the one topic as many times ever!!! Synopsis of story, typical of most here I guess, married guy I work with added me on FB back in Feb....in March the serious 'banter' was going on (amongst more serious chat) which had spilled over into flat out texting, him revealing he'd fancied me for a long time and through text and FB admissions of love! Well in April we crossed the line at a staff do. I expected it to be one night but it (physical) carried on for about 7 weeks (his wife found rather innocuous FB msgs twice, once in May, again in June). He was so stressed about situation but promised her first time all contact with me cut. Yet the texting flat out continued. On the second discovery, WW3 allegedly took place, yet the contact continued. The physical side had stopped by this stage and we only saw eachother in work 3 times in one month. I had a family bereavement and have been off work with stress since late June (not helped by him either). I thought the break would give me a chance to get my head together and asked for no contact. But of course I'm obviously weak willed because most texts/emails/FB messages were responded to. I agreed to meet him on Friday for lunch and felt strangely calm when I told him there must be NO contact at all (he is off work on holiday for 3 weeks) during this time at least. Following lunch he text to thank me for a lovely afternoon and he was deleting my numbers. I feel I've gone through every emotion in the book, sadness, guilt, anger (almost wanting to tell his wife the whole story!), despair, anxiety, joy, elation!!! He went on holiday with his wife today. The FB contact kept up all weekend until he'd to go to airport, with him telling me he loved me, wished it was us going away and a few short replies from me letting him know he CHOSE! I feel like I'm losing it today, knowing I won't hear from him, have been tearful and anxious and cried more than I should have! Any advice on how to wake up tomorrow and actually pull myself together? Sorry it's been long (so much for the synopsis!!) and thanks!
TurboGirl Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Ok... No contact! Block him or delete off facebook. He's married, not leaving his wife... and listening to his blather about loving you wanting you etc etc is only confusing the issue. I know you don't see it now, but this will pass and you will feel better. You just have to make it through the beginning part here. Yes it is painful, but it is the only way to get out of this and over him and move on to someone who is FREE and available! (((HUG))) You can do it!
MissBee Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Hey nonamefornow, I noticed you said you're in NC with him yet he is sending you FB messages...you should probably delete him off Facebook or block him. He is completely rude as you've asked him to stop and he "agrees" but still continues to message you. People who agree to respect your wishes then don't...are people who don't respect you. Plain and simple. I have realized that people will push your boundaries when they know they can. An ex of mine would go off and do his own thing and then come back and message me or show up as if nothing happened....or he would pretend to respect my wishes but blatantly go against them because he fully expected there would be no consequences and I didn't mean it....he was right! The fact that after he disrespected me and I still had time for him said to him loud and clear that "Blah blah blah I'm just talking but keep doing what you're doing". That is obviously the same message you're giving off to this man. I think you need to be firm and truly institute NC and that will help A LOT with regards to stabilizing your emotions and moving on. This man is a fat cat who from what you've said has zero intentions of changing his situation, you're obviously not happy and he continues to get off on your attention all the while on vacay with wifey and living a grand life while you're the one crying and upset.....smh Leave him be! He is not the second coming at all! You'll be fine. Your emotions will be awry and it will be a rollercoaster for a while, but eventually things will get better.
MissBee Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Well, there's no magic pill to take so you can wake up in the morning healed from all of this. Some things to keep in mind that might help: If he respects NC, consider it a gift. He cares about you enough to let you go since he knows he can't do better for you. It shows that he does care about how you feel in all this. Don't get stuck in the mindset that he must have never cared at all if he's not chasing you down. I think it's exactly the oppposite. If he doesn't respect NC after he returns, don't think it's because he can't live without you. He just did on a three week vacation with his wife. Don't get me wrong...I think he cares about you, but it would demonstrate that he's willing to put his own needs and feelings ahead of yours. You should allow yourself to grieve the ending of this relationship and understand that every day you move away from him emotionally, physically and mentally is a victory for you. Relapsing puts you back at square one, or at least has that very real potential. It is rare that contact is resumed even for "closure" that didn't affect the OP in a detrimental way. Set small goals for yourself and celebrate accomplishing them. Expecting to be over it tomorrow is unrealistic. Doing one good/nice thing for yourself is realistic and can be accomplished with relative ease. Take a bubble bath, have a glass of your favorite wine, get a pedicure, a new haircut, etc. Just do something nice for yourself everyday. Get into the practice of putting yourself first. Well said! I agree with the bolded aspects in particular. When I was in the A, my AP showed he truly cared about me by leaving me alone. It was hard and I was left feeling like he didn't care but after a year he did come back and explain why he did it and I respect that choice and him more to this day because of that. We're on good terms now. On the other hand, the ex I mentioned earlier, pretty much made it clear that he could care less about what's best for me and that he would continue to message me and show up in my life as he saw fit as it was the best thing for HIM. I foolishly thought it was because he couldn't live without me and cared about me , no such thing. It was all because it was beneficial to him as when I did ask him to actually be there if I needed, he would not be there but when I didn't need or want him around but for some reason HE needed an ego stroke or some such he was all up in my space! Yes nonamefornow, take care of YOURSELF! You'll be better off for it. This MM is quite alright I assure you and he is NOT the one who will take care of you, so you better do it for yourself.
fooled once Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I agree with SadInTexas. Doesn't seem as if you really want NC. If you did, you would delete him off facebook and block him. You would delete text messages. You would block his email. You have all these options, yet you do none of them Respect yourself. Respect who you are. He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be going away with his WIFE for 3 weeks. He is using you and enjoying the attention you give him.
Author nonamefornow Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Thank you so, so much for your responses. I know all advice given is sound advice from kind people who have been there, done that. I understand there is no magic pill and time and strength will be what it takes to recover, but last night I just felt soooo distraught and could NOT stop crying! When I woke up this morning I still had that panicky feeling in my stomach but I didn't check my phone for the third morning in a row, so I guess that's progress of sorts. I do love him, he however may love me, just not enough to be with me completely. Oh I know he has a very comfortable life and a 20yr history so why would he leave that to start over? I've had advice from friends this past week and all have said if someone truly, truly loved you they would move mountains to be with you. I guess he just doesn't have the balls to move anything to be with me!! Fooled Once - you totally hit the nail on the head regarding the no contact. I'd asked for it weeks ago (when I first went off work ill) and the longest it ever lasted was when he went away for a weekend (with the wife of course!) had deleted my number and couldn't contact me! He had however written it in his diary and in his own words 'raced up the road to get home' and text. I am guilty of keeping the contact going by replying, I find it so difficult not to, so by that admission, I supposed I only 'half-heartedly' wanted NC. I realise now, from reading these and other boards, that total NC is the only way forward.....until I have to see him in work at the end of the month.... Thanks again everyone, advice totally appreciated. I will do my best to start respecting myself more and getting myself well again!!
Recommended Posts