More of the story

[cat]

I've posted here about my breakup but the letting go isn't getting easier, and i thought if I posted more of the story there might be some insight out there that helps.

 

We met only several months ago, so it hasn't even been that long. THe amount of my hurt seems like we were together a lot longer. He told me on our first real date that he was separated and that his divorce would be final soon. I had always had a "rule" that I wouldnt' date someone who was only separated because I felt that people needed time to heal. Over the next weeks we talked about it at length and I understood that his marriage was over long before the separation and he really did not show any emotional baggage or trauma. I asked him more than once if he felt like he needed to date other people rather than just me.

 

He was the one that said he understood my rule but that he didn't feel like he needed to date other people to know he was happy with what was happening with me.

 

FOr the time we were dating he was wonderful. Reliable, kind, interesting, putting a lot of effort and energy into our "relationship." He cooked me meals, we went on a camping trip that he planned, he told that he always felt kind of "weird" in the world but when he was with me everything felt like it was in balance. I also put in effort. Despite my initial hesitation, I gradually really fell for him. We were just marveling at how happy we were!

 

THen one day... he just changed. He started breaking plans with no explanation. My mother was in an accdent and when she was in the hospital and I was practically living there, he was nowhere to be found. after that, he asked me to get together to talk and because he wanted to see me. He bailed on me BY TEXT a half hour before.

 

At that point I was DONE. THat was three weeks ago. Two weeks ago he sent me an email that said he misses me and he thinks he needs to date other people, and he doesn't really WANT to date other people, he knows he's jsut saying that because he is scared of how well things were going. (COP OUT?) I replied and said that if he wanted to date someone else, he needed to go do that, etc. etc.

 

We have exchagned a few texts since then, we have said we miss each other. He said in his mind we're not done and that he had a stressful week and he wasn't in a good place mentally and that he would be in touch when he was feeling better. THat was Friday.

 

I'm trying to move on, staying busy. I've been on dates with good people but none of them seem like people I'd have the same wonderful level of connection with. Really, I just want him back.

 

What do I do? How do I move on faster, I nkow I can't make him come back and I'd probably never trust him again, but part of me still wants him back. I believed what he said was true. Is he really afraid of commitment? Or is it me that he doesn't want? Is there something internally I need to look at that I allowed someone with a huge red flag to have such a strong emotional connection?

 

I just want this to stop. :( Help.

[Mukmuk]

I would like to start off saying that..i dunno how much this would help because I have never dated someone who has once been married BUT..here's my take on it. I would first of all evaluate in my mind good times vs. the bad. When you were with him, how happy were you? and how crappy do you feel now? If you think that he brings happiness way more that he brings tears..THEN you have something worth fighting for. Did he end up finalizing his divorce and what made him act this way? Do you have any mutual friends, family that can tell you? Sometimes guys just need some space for themselves to think and in a few weeks/months they will realize what they are missing and how much of a mistake they have made. However, some guys will think "oh, i've just been too much of a db to go back and talk to her...in their words "I have hurt you too much" so between words, you have to figure out if this person is worth initiating contact once again. Also...in the meantime, try working on yourself. Exercising is a great way to distract yourself because you see the results and you would like to keep going and hey, before you know it and he sees you next time he'll be thinking WOW...SHES HOT STUFF..I NEED TO KICK IT UP A NOTCH hahahaha hope that helps

[cat]

Ok so to answer your questions... when we were together, it was literally 99% happy, 1% medium. We weren't together long enough to have any huge bumps. But really the happy was SO HAPPY, more conneted and comfortable than I've ever been, and he said the same thing. Maybe his freak out was our first bump, and it showed we couldn't deal as a couple.

 

I do believe his divorce is now final. July 15 is the date we'd been holding out there as "the day" but I haven't had a chance to even ask.

 

I already exercise I have a fun personality and I"m a happy person, so it's not hard to attract men, my heart's just not in it. Sigh.

 

I guess if he wants to come back he will and at that point I can decide. I would hate for him to want to and then NOT. BUt I don't want to beg either, that's degrading.