Disaster: EX in the Picture

[youaretheone]

My story is long so I will make a summary and post more if you ask for more details. I would like all of you to write what you think about this girl and the future of our relationship and please answer this question for me: "Would you end it if you were in my shoes?". Thank you.

 

1) 4 month gf asks me about my exes and I show her their photos. She asks if I want to know about hers and I say "Your past is your past and I don't care unless they have to be discussed.".

 

2) Together with my gf for 4 months, we go apart for 1.5 months to our hometowns to meet our families and friends.

 

3) While we are apart, she tells me about things she is doing with friends but never mentioning who they are.

 

4) One day, she goes to a festival alone with a guy "friend" and he takes her photos there and posts them on FB.

 

5) I am curious about her friends so I ask her kindly to introduce them to me because that's what I did before we are apart.

 

6) She sends me a message and introduces all her close friends. One of them is this photo guy (call him A.). She says "He is an excellent photographer. He always takes my photos. He is my EX but we are very good friends. I didn't tell you before becasue you said you didn't want to hear about them.".

 

7) I can't take this bull**** excuse because even a child could understand what I meant. I call her and talk about this.

 

8) She insists that he is a friend and they do nothing romantic, continues to defend their friendship.

 

9) Becoming suspicious and asking her questions, I learn that she also visited his place to see his puppies but didn't bother to tell me because thought that it wasn't a big deal. He is calling her every two days, inviting her to places, talking to her on the phone about her day like a boyfriend would do.

 

10) They have been in a relationship last summer for 1.5 months and she left town for studies, they couldn't resist long distance, ended it (it looks like it really didn't end), kept talking online and she called him the first day she arrived at her hometown.

 

11) I let her know how I feel betrayed, lied to and can't trust her anymore, I am not comfortable with her accepting to see behind my back while she has a bf away and him persisting on inviting her to places knowing she has a bf.

 

12) She insists he is a friend and offended that I'm kind of asking her to take him out of her life.

 

13) I say I deserve better and want to leave unless she will set some boundaries.

 

14) She contacts him and tells him I'm bothered, she wants to see him maybe one time a month. He says he understands.

 

15) A day after, he sends me a message on Facebook, asking to meet me on Skype.

 

16) I call my gf to tell her about this and she tells me "You didn't want to meet him? That's an opportunity!" and continues defending his contacting me, leaving me shocked and devastated.

 

17) I tell her I don't feel like this relationship is right for me anymore, I don't want to be with a girl who isn't fully committed to me. She begs me to stay and she will do her best to work on healing it. She cries telling me she wants only me and she doesn't want to lose me.

 

18 ) I tell her she shouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place and come to this point where she and it will take a big effort and time on her side to mend my trust and feelings.

 

19) She calls the guy, tells him about these and the guy says he is very sorry and he won't bother us anymore.

 

20) She sends me a text telling this and that she is still only mine, loves me, "please forgive and forget", "love you".

 

21) It's my birthday in two weeks and we had plans for her to visit me here and meet my family.

[youngskywalker]

Didn't she agree to sever ties with him? Done deal.

 

Look at it this way. She broke off a friendship so she could keep you. Most women wouldn't do that. She must really like you.

[youaretheone]

Thank you skywalker. Any other opinions?

[bigmomma1974]

why are you so jealous of her friendship with this guy? he offered to meet you on skype maybe he wanted to tell you he was no threat to you and your relationship with your girfriend. I myself wouldnt have ended a friendship with a friend just cause a boyfriend of mine doesnt like it. i find it selffish that he would even ask me to. Trust is a big part of a relationship and if you cant trust her to be around a guy friend, they how do you expect to have a relationship with her.

You sound like your insecur and maybe you need to work on that.

[youaretheone]

why are you so jealous of her friendship with this guy? he offered to meet you on skype maybe he wanted to tell you he was no threat to you and your relationship with your girfriend. I myself wouldnt have ended a friendship with a friend just cause a boyfriend of mine doesnt like it. i find it selffish that he would even ask me to. Trust is a big part of a relationship and if you cant trust her to be around a guy friend, they how do you expect to have a relationship with her.

You sound like your insecur and maybe you need to work on that.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

 

The truth is, it's not about my jealousy. It's about her respect for my feelings. She continues contact with an ex after ending their relationship long distance as if they never ended, gets into a relationship with me while still leaving him hanging over her and then meets him as soon as she is away and doesn't feel the need to let me know.

 

Yes, maybe it was totally platonic. Maybe she had no feelings for him after the break up. But I beleive she shouldn't put her bf into a position where he would question what his gf is doing with her ex while he is away.

 

In my opinion, people can't have platonic friendships with others that they have seen naked and it does nothing but damage to their current relationship. They should be spending all their effort and attention for the current one, instead of enjoying their time with their past lovers, leaving suspicion and opportunities for a rekindling flame.

[cutily]

That's so selfish!!!

 

I've been in all the positions here. And never would I have stopped to see a friend, never. You have to realize that he was there before you, nothing is forcing her to stay with you, she does it because she loves you. You may break up in one month you'll be old story but not her friend.

 

And you have to realize that you are not her world, in a healthy relationship people need to also find happiness with their friends, family, coworkers.

If someone else is threatning your relationship, it means that the relationship was weak ib the first pplace not the other way around.

[youaretheone]

That's so selfish!!!

 

I've been in all the positions here. And never would I have stopped to see a friend, never. You have to realize that he was there before you, nothing is forcing her to stay with you, she does it because she loves you. You may break up in one month you'll be old story but not her friend.

 

And you have to realize that you are not her world, in a healthy relationship people need to also find happiness with their friends, family, coworkers.

If someone else is threatning your relationship, it means that the relationship was weak ib the first pplace not the other way around.

 

I respect your opinion but I don't see why people don't understand a friend who is an ex is not like any other ordinary friend.

 

They had sex. They held hands. They kissed each other. There is a possibility that she might lose what is in the future by still lingering to what is in the past.

 

She might ignore what I say and continue seeing him, then cheat on me with him and then be happy that I wasn't selfish. Is it really being not selfish or being deaf to a possible threat to our relationship? And then, is what she did sound like caring for her new partner or not being selfish?

[cutily]

If this guys is a really important person for her, she keeps him in her life, period.

 

Once again, she has absolutely no reason to be with you! She is with you because she wants to, and this only should be enough for you.

 

Once again if she cheats on you it's because your relationship wasn't fulfilling for her, not because he is a threat, you really need to understand that.

I had the same problem with the stupid girlfriend of a guy, she couldn't understand that I was no threat (in fact I was comforting him whenever he had doubts about their relationship, and trust me I was madly attracted by the guy, but I respected their relationship, and to be honest I helped him stay with this stupid girl).

 

If you cannot handle this, break up now, because she will meet a lot of men in her life and will maybe want to be friend with them.

[Ginger Beer]

To be honest, I don't think she's done much wrong here, although I am tired and not really concentrating.

 

Him asking to speak to you on Skype was a very decent gesture in my honest opinion. I personally don't think anything is going on.

[rightfield]

You are absolutely right in stating that a friend of the opposite sex is different than a friend who is also an ex. If two people break up on good terms, the feelings that originally attracted them together are still there, albeit latent, and could resurface if the two spend time together as friends.

 

Trust is something that is earned over time. One of the ways it is built is by demonstrating your commitment to your partner by showing respect for him/her. Spending fun times with ex's is disrespectful for someone in a committed relationship.

 

I'm a guy, and I would not allow myself to be put in the position of spending friend time with my ex out of respect for my g/f, and I would do this without her insistence.

 

If I were you, and this girl wants to keep spending time with the friend-ex, I'd downgrade the relationship. I wouldn't take it as seriously, and I'd suddenly be "friends" with more girls. Good luck with your decision.

[cutily]

I'm a guy, and I would not allow myself to be put in the position of spending friend time with my ex out of respect for my g/f, and I would do this without her insistence.

 

And if this ex means a lot to you? The point is that your relationship with this person is over, there is a reason why!! Things can not work out as a couple, be work as friends.

 

I'm sorry but with views like that, that's the reason why people end up in bad divorce, because they were suffocating in unhealthy relationship.

 

My ex boyfriend had an ex who was a really sad girl, she had been through a lot of bad things in her life, and she would call him from time to time because he was there with her when she needed it. When she was calling I let him talk to her, I let him go and see her. The point is that he was with me, not her, and that was enough for me to trust him.

Edited August 3, 2011 by cutily

[rightfield]

And if this ex means a lot to you? The point is that your relationship with this person is over, there is a reason why!! Things can not work out as a couple, be work as friends.

 

I'm sorry but with views like that, that's the reason why people end up in bad divorce, because they were suffocating in unhealthy relationship.

 

 

 

My ex boyfriend had an ex who was a really sad girl, she had been through a lot of bad things in her life, and she would call him from time to time because he was there with her when she needed it. When she was calling I let him talk to her, I let him go and see her. The point is that he was with me, not her, and that was enough for me to trust him.

 

You are mistaken. I went through a divorce that was amicable. We hugged outside the courthouse and said goodbye. But it would be inappropriate and disrespectful of my g/f for me to be hanging out with my ex, and I won't do it. That isn't being mean. Like you said, that relationship is over. My ex needs to move on, and there are plenty of people out there to care for and support her without her hanging on to me.

 

If this works for you, I won't criticize. But my view comes from actual experiences, and I believe that my partner appreciates that I leave no room for question as to where she stands in my life.

Edited August 3, 2011 by rightfield
Put my reply within the quoted text...poor skills..

[youaretheone]

You are absolutely right in stating that a friend of the opposite sex is different than a friend who is also an ex. If two people break up on good terms, the feelings that originally attracted them together are still there, albeit latent, and could resurface if the two spend time together as friends.

 

Trust is something that is earned over time. One of the ways it is built is by demonstrating your commitment to your partner by showing respect for him/her. Spending fun times with ex's is disrespectful for someone in a committed relationship.

 

I'm a guy, and I would not allow myself to be put in the position of spending friend time with my ex out of respect for my g/f, and I would do this without her insistence.

 

If I were you, and this girl wants to keep spending time with the friend-ex, I'd downgrade the relationship. I wouldn't take it as seriously, and I'd suddenly be "friends" with more girls. Good luck with your decision.

 

Thank you, at last there is someone who could see my point.

 

cutily, if people in a relationship acted from your point of view, then they wouldn't care flirting with some other guy or going to clubs at night, allowing opposite sex to hit on them knowing they have a boyfriend at home or any other things that could damage the relationship in long term, because they knew they could leave anytime and they are in this because they want to be.

 

However, a relationship requires more than thinking about yourself and choosing to be in it. I beleive you are forgetting that it takes the love and efforts of two to constitute a successful one.

 

If you allow yourself to be in situations that could damage the relationship in the long term, than it shows that you are not thinking about the two of you as a couple but only yourself and your future.

 

In specifics to my situation, my gf has her male best friends that she spends her days with. They go out, have fun alone and I say nothing. I'm even happier for her because she has a life outside our relationship. When she has her best friends that she could confide in, why hang on to an ex that you have dated for 1.5 months, giving him false hopes that you might be together in the future or in the worst case putting yourself in a situation where you could end up rekindling your old flames?

Edited August 3, 2011 by youaretheone

[cutily]

 

cutily, if people in a relationship acted from your point of view, then they wouldn't care flirting with some other guy or going to clubs at night, allowing opposite sex to hit on them knowing they have a boyfriend at home or any other things that could damage the relationship in long term, because they knew they could leave anytime and they are in this because they want to be.

 

However, a relationship requires more than thinking about yourself and choosing to be in it. I beleive you are forgetting that it takes the love and efforts of two to constitute a successful one.

 

No I think you are just unable to have a mature relationship.

 

I was also going to clubs with my friends, and he was with his friends, we are both good looking, we are hit on by people and they try to flirt with us because it's not written "I'm taken" on our faces, but that doesn't mean we will go and have anything with anybody!

 

We trusted each other and we didn't need to do anything because we had all we wanted in each other.

 

And moreover I was a VIP hostess, my job was kind of flirting with people, he never once discussed this. He knew I was doing my job, but I chose to be with him, so I wouldn't do anything wrong.

 

If you are not able to trust your partner, you are not able to be in a relationship. Because forbidding your partner from doing something because you're afraid he could cheat on you is a major trust and insecure issue that YOU have to deal with before making anybody suffer from it.

Edited August 3, 2011 by cutily