No subject?...

[Almond_Joy]

OK....I tried like 5 different titles and LS wouldn't let me post, so sorry for the title.

 

I'm 25. I got my first job at 19. My mom quit her job, with no second job lined up, the same year I turned 18. She soon afterward spent all of her pension money on a month long trip to Europe. She took me on it, and I acknowledge that that was a once in a lifetime opportunity for both of us. I'm thankful she decided to take me, and wouldn't want to give back that experience.

 

Here's the thing.....me and my mom are on our own out here. All of her/our family is on the east coast, and my dad hasn't been in the picture since I was 9. My mom has not been able to get a permanent full time job since she quit her other one, and has not been able to get any work at all for about two years now. This means that gradually, all of the responsibility for household expenses has fallen to me. Unemployment finally ran out for her about 6 months ago. I'm now our sole source of income. My income is barely covering our monthly bills.....and most of this year, I've been feeling so fed up with the responsibility.

 

My 20's are flying by, and I haven't had any of the economic freedom my peers have - or that my mom had - to just enjoy my 20's. I can't afford my own place and a separate place for her out here. On top of that, me and my mom are just really different people. She's overbearing and invasive, and I like privacy and solitude. Living with her has become increasingly grating on my sense of comfort in this apartment with her for the past two years, and in the last year it's been getting harder and harder to repress my irritability and frustration with this situation.

 

I finally sat down and talked to her about all of this about 2 months ago. She said, at that time, that she understands and respects why I want to move out on my own. I mentioned her moving in with her sister back on the east coast as an option in the near future (I want to be on my own by February/March 2012 at the latest). She seemed indifferent upon hearing this, at that time.

 

About a month ago, and I forget how we got around to the topic again, I mentioned this option of her moving in with her sister again. This time she got really indignant and said sternly "I'm not moving back to (home state) - I don't fit in there and I don't want to live there. That's why I moved out here."

 

OK......I get what she's saying about the culture difference, and I don't want her to be unhappy.....but damn. Like, where's the tradeoff? What are my other good options at this point? These are the options I'm seeing:

 

A) I could really bust my ass and get a second, maybe a third job to get my own place and a place for her out here. The result: I'm working around the clock and then really have NO chance at all to develop a lifestyle with work/life balance on my own,

 

B) I could leave things as they are. Results:

---1) I will continue to be increasingly unhappy,

---2) She will become increasingly unhappy at having to live with a snappy irritable b****(<-----....I admit, this is what I'm becoming),

---3) We will stay living paycheck to paycheck.

 

C) She can find a senior roommate to live with out here. They move in with her, I move out. She proposed this, and I'm open to making that happen. But I don't think she knows anybody well enough that she's willing to move in with or have move in with her, and with her personality and style of living now, I don't know how eager someone will be to move in with her. My mom's not mean or bad, just set in her ways. She gets irritated easily and nags a lot. Maybe she'd change if she had to, but I'm not banking on it....Also, even though she will have a

roommate, I will still be paying for her living expenses - she has ZERO income and ZERO savings.

 

D) She move back to the east coast with her sister. I proposed this because I see the following benefits:

---1) I'll be paying way less for her living expenses. So even if I can't make more money soon, I'll have extra discretionary funds to save and/or invest in the things I want (furniture, fun, hobbies, etc.)

---2) She'll be with family, in a community of people she knows, instead of living with some stranger.

---3) My grandma (her mom) has Alzheimer's. My mom's mentioned a few times that she wishes she could go back home to visit her mom and help with her care. If she moves back home - BAM! Objective accomplished. Plus my mom will be busy doing something besides sleeping, cooking, cleaning sporadically, and playing computer games.

 

The other reason I'm in a rush to make something happen is that the time where I have no chance of shirking this responsibility, even temporarily, is drawing close fast. She's in her 60's and can get around well enough, but how long is that going to last? Social security isn't going to cover her living expenses and eventual caregiving expenses. I can finish my Master's in a year, and six months after that I'm gonna have to start paying back school loans. That means I've got about 18 months before I have another expense I'll have to be responsible for.

 

I'm pissed because my mom doesn't seem motivated to do anything about this situation. She says she's depressed and feels bad....but I don't see her doing much to change anything. The only reason she brought up getting a roommate is so I would stop talking about the idea of her moving to the east coast, and she hasn't brought it up since. She stays up until 3 or 4 in the morning watching movies and playing computer games, then sleeps til anywhere between 12 and 2 in the afternoon. With that schedule, I have a hard time believing her when she tells me she's "looking for work."

 

 

I just want to live on my own for a while. I don't plan to have her stay with her sister forever - as soon as I make enough money I'll be happy to move her back out here. But right now, I need some damn RELIEF. I'm stressed and unhappy, I think we're both getting depressed...and I honestly don't think any of this is fair. She acted impulsively when she left her job with no backup plan, and I feel like I'm paying for it with my youth. Maybe that's selfish, but she got to live her youth without this kind of responsibility. She moved out at 19, joined the Air Force, traveled the world....didn't have me til she was 34. I haven't gotten a whisper of that kind of freedom because of this situation. And it's not like I've been a selfish b**** of a daughter growing up - I followed her curfews, submitted to all the tabs she kept on me, stayed out of trouble....**sigh** sorry, I'm digressing....

 

She's not doing anything out here, and she has a chance to do something she said she wants if she moves in with her sister. I feel pressured, like I'm not going to get a chance for relief again anytime soon. My school debt is HUGE, and most if not all extra earning power I may get in the near future is going to be used to pay that off as quickly as possible. Before I'm required to pay those back, I just want some breathing room, a year at least to stretch my wings.......

 

 

Am I being unreasonable here? Anybody had or have a similar situation? Any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading if you've made it all the way down here.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Almond_Joy

[Almond_Joy]

I usually don't bump threads, but I've noticed quite a few have visited this post. No one has anything they want to share about the situation I've presented? .....

 

I'd really appreciate some feedback - maybe someone can see an option I haven't thought of? Or weigh in on which of the options they see as the best, considering all the circumstances I've laid out and considered? I'm really starting to feel like I'm between a rock and a wall.

 

I was recently advised to practice mindfulness in order to not feel so stressed out about this situation, but I don't want to "quell the feelings." I'm tired of just accepting the way things are. There's no feeling about it - something has to change (guess that rules out option B that I explained), and I want to do what will be best for both my and my mother's quality of life in the long run......

 

Again - any opinions, advice and/are solutions, are most welcome......

[Hazel_eyes]

I really don't know what the best thing to do here is. It is a very sticky situation

 

However I did want to let you know that I personally feel you are justified in your feelings. Everyone deserves the chance to get out on their own and move out from under mom and dad. You work, pay the bills and are completing a masters degree. It sounds like you are very responsible and have worked hard to forge the path that you want in life, and you do deserve to have time to enjoy the benefits of that.

 

I would say your mothers depression is probably the biggest thing hindering her job search and your situation. Has she been diagnosed as depressed, seen a doctor, anything? I struggled with depression in the past and during that time I just stopped working, going to school, even just leaving the house. I just wanted to bum around and mope (at the time I didn't see it that way, but that was the reality of the situation). Yet I firmly believed I was a victim of circumstance and always had excuses as to why I couldn't find a job, why I couldn't go to class, etc. I felt entitled to the whole world to take care of me and fix me. Reality was I had to decide to change and work hard to fix things myself. I got therapy, saw a doctor, and worked hard now and don't even recognize the person I was while depressed. You have to change your thoughts to change your life.

 

Personally if I was forced to make a decision in this situation I would have my mom move with my sister for awhile. For me and her. Funny thing is that I didn't acknowledge my depression and start to change until I was forced to move closer to family. This forced a change in environment, routine, and people and forced me to re-evaluate my life because I was forced to create a new life in essence. They helped me see that I needed to move forward. Perhaps a change in environment and routine is exactly what your mother needs to help make her feel better.

 

You don't want to stay doing what you are doing, if you continue to ignore your feelings you will eventually resent her for putting you in this bind, and you don't want that. I probably wasn't too helpful, but those are my thoughts.

[Lucky_One]

Is your aunt aware of all of this? Is she willing to have her sister move in?

[Almond_Joy]

Hazel - I really believe that what you're saying - about the depression - is what's going on with my mom. I think that me moving out, whether she has a plan or not, will force her to adapt. After seeing her in this complacent state for so long, I've forgotten that she is an adult with decades of experience managing life's hurdles - so I know she's capable of it. She's also very strong in spirit. I think by continuing to support her, I've allowed her to let that aspect of her dim/recede.

 

Lucky - It occurred to me yesterday to contact my aunt. She knows its not what my mom wants, and that moving in with her isn't a long-term solution for my mom. That makes her resistant to proactively offering her place. But if my mom has nowhere else to go, she won't turn my mom away. She said she will try to start coaxing my mom into making a plan for herself (they talk on the phone several times a week), and get back to me in a few weeks to let me know if there's been any progress.

 

At this point, I feel alot better knowing that my mom's got options. I realize that it's not my place to make sure she utilizes the resources available to her to get back on her feet. That's her responsibility and hers alone.

 

Thank you both for your feedback - it was VERY helpful !