Ayla Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 The guy that I dated for a few months and who I am now friends with - although I wish for it to be more, keeps assuming I am seeing other men - especially when the plan do not include him or my brother (who is also friends with) and with people he does not know, and a few of my friends have said this is because he is trying to suss out what I am doing. For instance One night I was being picked up by some friends for dinner. He called at this precise time: him: What are you doing? Me: I am going out for dinner with some friends Him: Have you got a hot date? Me: No, just going out with a married couple who are friends of mine. Him: Where are you going? Another time: Me: "I am going away for a few days in the next fortnight" Him: What for? Me: To see some friends Him: Are you going on a dirty weekend away? Me: No Anoter time, I had been out with a mutual friend for a few drinks: Him: Did you have a good time? Me: yeah, it was nice. Him: Did you meet the man of your dreams? Me: No Him: Are you going to go out tonight? Me: No Him: The man of your dreams might be there ***Once I have said no, or clarified the situation he does not carry on asking about it. So I do not think he is teasing me. If I mention plans - he always assumes that I am going on a hot date or something. Why do you think this is? I should add that I ended it with him because he was not ready for a relationship, and told him it was not because I did not lik him, but because I liked him...probabl;y too much. And when he was ready maybe we could get to know each other again. SO I made it clear that I did like him. We have only been hanging out again for the last 2 months or so (as friends). However having said that we text, call, or see each other every day for 2 weeks or so, and then he will not contact me for a weeks or so before it gets more full on again with the constant contact. He always tells me I look nice, and compliments me. What do you think is going on with these comments and such?
HardknockLife Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 What a d@ck head.... This guy has issues, and needs to deal with them ASAP.
carhill Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Pretty easy. You think about it enough to post this thread. That's his goal. If he was just being a good male friend, without ambiguity about his intent, you would move on. I've seen similar behaviors from women 'friends' over the decades and fell for it a few times, generally when I'm attracted and emotionally vulnerable. The mind can be a tricky thing.
Author Ayla Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Yeah, he does have issues...and I wish he would deal with them. His ex of 10 years (and the mother of his child) cheated on him and is now engaged to that person. They have been separated for a year and a bit now. Why do you say he is a d*ckhead?
Author Ayla Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Carhill - so you think I am reading into it too much. Or that this guy is wanting me to read into it (consciously or subconsciously) for what ever reason?
Cracker Jack Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 He's either very interested in your potential love life, or simply wants you to keep him on your mind.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 he's wasting your time and energy. stop answering his questions. he has no business asking you anything personal - unless he asks you out - which he hasn't... so don't respond at all in the future. ignore, ignore, ignore!
Author Ayla Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 That is what my friend said as well - I can't let him know all my plans. I can not cut him off totally, as we have mutual friends, and he is also one of my brothers best friends...and he is actually a really nice guy. Just stuffed up in the head relationship wise. Maybe next time he makes a comment about another guy, I should say "You know you are the only friend that makes comments like that. Why do you think that is?"
2sunny Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 That is what my friend said as well - I can't let him know all my plans. I can not cut him off totally, as we have mutual friends, and he is also one of my brothers best friends...and he is actually a really nice guy. Just stuffed up in the head relationship wise. Maybe next time he makes a comment about another guy, I should say "You know you are the only friend that makes comments like that. Why do you think that is?" don't bother asking him. make it a statement! just say: you have no right to be asking me personal questions - and i have no reason to answer you.
Author Ayla Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Hmmm - ok. I might be as harsh about it though. I don't want him to not think I am interested. I just don't think that this is a normal thing for a platonic friend to do. None of my other male friends do it, and I certainly don't say it...
Feelsgoodman Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 ***Once I have said no, or clarified the situation he does not carry on asking about it. So I do not think he is teasing me. If I mention plans - he always assumes that I am going on a hot date or something. I think you analysis is incorrect. He is most likely teasing you. I do it to girls I date - or just know - all the time. Your reaction (i.e. treating it as a serious question) amuses him.
sally4sara Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You say you have plenty of venues to check his character through with mutual friends and your brother. I would hope that if he was bad news at least your brother would give you a heads up so I'll take your word on his character. He isn't ready to be serious and was cheated on so he might be trying to gauge your dating style.. You told him you're interested in him but not interested in dating casually and left it open ended - he is to let you know when HE is ready so he is seeing how open that door remains as time goes on and if you go single for a stretch how well you deal with it. If he isn't such a nice guy he would be doing this to continue to remind you he is what you have going on right now so should you be feeling lonely, horny; hornly he is available.
Author Ayla Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah, he is a nice guy. A top guy in fact. My gut tells me that he likes me, and is very fond of me...but doesn't want/isn't ready for a relationship - so he is just fishing for information. I think he would be gutted if I turned around and said I was going on a date. IMO if he was really not interested in me, he would not spend so much time with me, knowing that I like him. In addition, his friends wouldn't say things that imply that he likes me or that we are together if he thought of me only as a friend....especially since they are also friends with my brother. There is too much at stake. He tells his flatmate everything, including all the things we do together. Even when he is not around, his flatmate says things that imply that he likes me or is trying to impress me. Having said all of the above-he is still deeply hurt, and doesn't want a relationship....and there is nothing I can do about that.
Tybalt Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I think the biggest trouble with this is that you like him so much, you're spending the time trying to analyze his behavior and interpret it, when chances are he isn't even clear on himself right now. It does sound like he'd like to keep you as an option in the future, but you don't need to put yourself in that position, no matter how great he is. I like the rule when I am single that I am friendly and flirtatious with men I am interested in, but don't keep putting myself "out there" unless reciprocation is clearly communicated. This means that I don't even agonize over the guy internally, and don't allow myself to be strung along. If a guy were talking to me like that, I'd laugh at his questions and be very noncommittal in my responses... Just as he is being noncommittal toward you. No need to shut doors or be rude about anything, but when he starts questioning you on your personal life, just respond "Mmm..." You could even something like (to the comment about the man of your dreams) "That's an interesting thought :)" Also, get out there and meet people as well. There is no reason his not being ready ought to influence your readiness to meet someone.
Star Gazer Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 He's either very interested in your potential love life, or simply wants you to keep him on your mind. This, or is waiting for an opportunity to have a conversation where he becomes your one and only. Those inquisitive half-joking questions often spawned the "what are we" talk in a couple of my past Rs.
Author Ayla Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah-i know my feelings make me over analyze everything. I'm not limiting myself to him and him only. I'm on an online dating site and am open to getting to know someone-unfortunately they are slim picking at the moment! I will attempt to be more vague when talking about who my plans involve, as suggested.
dispatch3d Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Reading it I was wondering... were/are you sleeping with him?... Then I read the first part "The guy that I dated for a few months and who I am now friends with." He doesn't view you two as "dating" if there is nothing physical. He still likes you and wants to get with you, that's why you get all this stuff. He just doesn't understand why you two aren't dating. He's also wondering if you're keeping him on the hook until Mr. Right comes along, which is why he gets so nervous when you go out with anyone (he wonders, is this the date that ruins everything?). I honestly don't really understand your side of it. Why is he not ready for a relationship yet?
Author Ayla Posted August 6, 2011 Author Posted August 6, 2011 At this point-no there is nothing physical...however some text messages have been sent by him recently that suggest he would like to get more physical. I did make it clear during these messages, that I did not wish to be a booty call. When we are together (ie at my brothers last night) he flirts with me, he is a gentleman, teases me and he trusts me with his daughter...and I love her so much. We can talk for hours...or just sit next to each other quietly. He doesn't want a relationship because his ex of 10 years and the mother of his daughter cheated in him, and is now engaged to the guy she cheated on him with. Now he is anti-women and anti-relationships. She hurt him so much, and he can't get past the hurt. I know I should be more vague about my plans-but it is really hard to do so. Even though my gut tells me, that this might be the wake up call he needs. I just wish I could take all his pain and hurt away. His flatmate (who is also emotionally available) says that I am the only angel left on earth, and tells him everything that we talk about. They definitely talk about me a fair bit when I'm around.
dispatch3d Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 Sounds like he likes you then. The past ex-girlfriend could just be a self-esteem thing he's got, who knows. I think you just need to be a little more reassuring about the right things when he texts you. For example: "At this point-no there is nothing physical...however some text messages have been sent by him recently that suggest he would like to get more physical. I did make it clear during these messages, that I did not wish to be a booty call." Although I can understand where you are coming from here, this is a guy who needs reassurance that you do like him, are interested in him, etc. When he texts you this stuff and you say "nono no booty calls!" it's kind of the opposite of what he needs from an emotional stand-point. Doesn't mean you have to go booty-call with the guy. Something like "well we should go on some dates before that first". Just think of whatever YOUR next ideal step would be in this relationship, and suggest that would be really fun to try.
Mrlonelyone Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 I agree with those who say he needs a green light in order to make a move. He got out of a relationship that was so long it was practically marriage. Hadn't dated in that long. He would lack confidence. If you like this man you need to try extra hard to make it clear what you want.
dispatch3d Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 If a guy talks about you a lot, messages you a lot, or talks with his friends a lot about you, then he definitely likes you. I don't bother talking about girls a lot unless I like them. This is because if I don't like them, I don't give a **** what they are doing at any point in time during the day, or week. I also don't care about any interactions I've had with them recently. None of that matters to me at all. For example, a waitress recently hit on me at some restaurant. After eating there, I was more likely to talk about the waitress than talk about (1) sports cars (2) how soccer season is going (3) what time of day it is (4) a recent funny comedy skit I watched, etc. Why? Because I care WAY MORE about the girl than everything else I listed. Everything else is low priority in my brain, compared to that. Realize that I've played 14+ years of soccer, but will more liekly talk about the girl I met for 1 hour than soccer, which I've played for 14+ years.
phineas Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 My experience is women who tell someone they won't be their booty call when it's clear the guy isn't just looking for that either aren't attracted to him or have some issues of their own. Op seems to have two settings booty call or relationship & nothing in between. How can you determine if you want to be in a relationship with someone without even finding out if you are sexually compatible? Who doesn't test drive a car before buying?
WhyWontYouBe Posted August 6, 2011 Posted August 6, 2011 This, or is waiting for an opportunity to have a conversation where he becomes your one and only. Those inquisitive half-joking questions often spawned the "what are we" talk in a couple of my past Rs. I quite agree with this.
Author Ayla Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 Ok...so last night things got physical. I like him mentally and physically so much, I couldn't help myself. We were at the pub, I was talking to one of his good friends...and he said that he definitely likes me, and talks about me all the time. BUT I should not expect anything from him...As he is not in a good head space. But I am important to him... Anyways-fast forward a few hours and we were back at my place....this morning we went for coffee and breakfast, and then he dropped me back home. As he was over the limit last night, he left his car at his friends. His friend (the one I was talking with last night) met us after breakfast. Last night he also told me he liked me, and I told him I liked him. Oh my god, have I done something stupid?!?! I don't want to lose what we have already in terms of the friendship..
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