molly Posted April 27, 2004 Posted April 27, 2004 My situation is complex and I can be verbose, so excuse the long post, but here goes... My ex b/f and I met a few years ago and had one of those fabled instant cosmic connections, but because we were both in other relationships, weren't able to actually get together ourselves until about a year and a half ago. Though we were super in love, things were fraught with complications from the beginning. To start with, my ex suffers from bi-polar disorder and is pretty much defined by this affliction. Not long after we started dating he had a full-blown manic episode which lasted about 2 months. Getting through that was tough, but luckily he found a doctor who was able to get him on a med cocktail that kept him stabilized up until about 6 weeks ago. That's when all hell broke loose. For some reason this same doc decided to take my ex off of one of his meds, as a sort of experiment I suppose. I noticed then that his mood started to change: he became more irritable, stopped sleeping and eating as much, and started having non-stop crying episodes over things like sad movies. Not long after, his mother died somewhat unexpectedly. Her death shattered the entire family. My ex was particularly affected as his mom also suffered from bi-polar and this was part of their link. I should add that my own relationship with her was not always ideal. Particularly in the beginning, she was openly hostile toward me, and I often felt ganged up on by the two of them. I won't include all of the details here, but early on she made it clear that she didn't think the two of us ought to have been together. Then, a few months ago, she decided out of the blue that she in fact loved me and wanted me to be a part of the family. Admittedly I had a hard time accepting or understanding her newfound love for me given our past. Simply put, I didn't trust her motives and refused to let go of some things. This put my ex in a terrible position. He seemed not to understand my reservations and we often had explosive arguments with him defending her and me growing increasingly distrustful. I see now that the whole thing took on a bizarre life of its own and I question how much of that ongoing argument was actually about his mother, and how much of it was more about issues exclusively between my ex and me. At any rate, during these heated arguments I said some very regrettable things about my b/f's mother. In turn he said some regrettable things about me. We were stuck and the situation had never truly resolved itself all the way up until her death. Now not only is my ex devastated by his mother's death, but he is feeling very resentful toward me for making all those comments about her character before she died. I feel terrible and have apologized many times, but so far those apologies have not been effective. It has been a few weeks since her death and we have not seen each other since. We lived together and all of his things are still here and we have a ton of logistical dilemmas to sort out. We have had some sporadic contact during our time apart. Numerous phone calls with me sobbing uncontrollably, begging for his forgiveness, and him screaming at me. Other times he softens and calls or emails telling me how much he misses me and loves me and how he cannot believe we are breaking up. I should also add that his mental state is not the best; he is showing signs of a mixed state (mix of depression and mania in bi-polar-speak), and this is adding to our inability to communicate properly. He has actually accused me of saying some truly terrible things about his mother that I never said. When I try to set the record straight, on what I did say about her, he becomes infuriated with me. The whole thing is difficult. As mentioned I feel like a slime bucket for saying unflattering things about someone who is now gone. I also understand why my ex would feel resentful. But at the same time, he has said some terrible things about me as well. I just see that there are layers of complexity to the whole situation that I'm not sure he is able to see right now. The more I type the more ridiculous this all seems. It seems hopeless. This is truly Jerry Springer material. One more piece to the whole bloody mess: I, too, recently lost a close family member and am still grieving from that. So in a nutshell, we are both grieving, both resentful over mean things we said to each other, and having infrequent contact. At some point we have to communicate rationally with one another and figure out all the logistical matters. Do I just give him time, space, no contact? I love him deeply and have immense regret for the things I said. On a personal level the whole ordeal has served as one of those life lessons about the importance of forgiving someone before its too late. I wish I had truly forgiven his mom before she was dying. I did get to see her before it happened, and I hugged and kissed her. But I wish I hadn't put my ex in the middle like I did. Well, we were all responsible for the triangle I suppose, but I'm mad at myself for my own part in the whole playground mess. This message must reflect how messed up I am right now. I honestly don't know what my next move should be. I love this person beyond belief and am suffering. After being together every day for a year and a half, to not see him at all for 3 weeks is almost unbearable. But I know, I know, most of us have been there. I know he loves me too, but that he's extremely angry with me for the things I said. Do I give him the space to figure all this out himself? Do I write a letter and apologize one more time? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm happy to provide more details too if needed. Thanks.
tattoomytoe Posted April 27, 2004 Posted April 27, 2004 ok. i too have depression, i am not manic, but i know the course. i think You have done all you can. it will really be up to him how he chooses to handle this, and it doesn't sound as is he has all the emotional and mental energy to deals with all this. i am hoping he is in therapy and trying to work through some of this. i do understand how badly you miss him and how you feel guilt, but do not take on his burdens. do not apologize anymore...it just makes you sound like the bad party. he knows you are sorry and that you love and miss him by now. i think space and some time will be good menders in your relationship. he has a lot of person issues to deal with...you have your own too....so take advantage of this time and re-eveluate your life and relationships....maybe he will not make the cut until he gets better.....but do not wait on him. when i was deep in depression, i thought the bad things were just reaffirming my worthlessness, and how i am to be suffering and never happy, but i was very willing to bring others down with me, cause it is a lonely place. does that make sense?
HokeyReligions Posted April 27, 2004 Posted April 27, 2004 tattoomytoe said: i thought the bad things were just reaffirming my worthlessness, and how i am to be suffering and never happy, but i was very willing to bring others down with me, cause it is a lonely place. Tat is right. You need to let him alone for a while. You need space too. I have bi-polar family members and one thing I learned is not to argue with them or try to make a point when they are in the midst of a crisis or an emotional swing. When a bi-polar person is 'down' they are subconsciously looking for affirmation of their feelings of worthlessness. They want to point out to others all the reasons they can never be happy. They want to include others in the reasons so they can use them as a blame-catcher. "If you hadn't said those things, I would not be so hurt now" is a classic example. People don't always get along. Plain and simple. A LOT of people have regrets that a relationship ended on a hurtful note. Sometimes people pass away before they have had a chance to make amends with those they may have hurt, or who have hurt them. It happens all the time. It sucks, but it happens and we have to get past it. Someone I loved died when we were not speaking to each other because of a stupid, stupid fight. I had to accept that and live with it. Had she lived we would have worked things out. Don't let him blame you. Don't accept the blame. I know it hurts. Dealing with someone suffering from bi-polar is a life-long commitment to uncertainty and surprises. Its stressful and can be devastating. It is TOTALLY different from someone who has been depressed for a while or is feeling down because of a specific event. It can't be dealt with in the same way. Talk to a counselor about it yourself - someone who has dealt with people who suffer from bi-polar disorder. I also think some time apart is a good thing right now. It does not have to mean that the whole relationship must end. But you might change your own mind and heart or you might develop a better understanding and commitment to making it work and be more confident about your approach. Do some reading on bi-polar disorder and see if you can find a support-group for families dealing with this. Check out the web link I place below Good luck with this. http://www.mhsanctuary.com/bipolar/ Bipolar Disorder Sanctuary
tattoomytoe Posted April 27, 2004 Posted April 27, 2004 here is a good article http://my.webmd.com/content/article/48/1663_52215
Author molly Posted April 29, 2004 Author Posted April 29, 2004 thanks for the replies. i alternate between conceptualizing this breakup as a result of his "illness", and as a result of my own relationship issues. ugh. i'm pretty back and forth myself right now. at any rate, i agree that minimal contact is ideal right now. but any tips on how to handle the logistics of us living together and being on the same lease for another few months. we live in a fairly remote area and i'm pretty isolated right now. i plan on moving once the lease runs out, but what do i do until then? i need help with finances and house maintenance. do i just figure out how to get by on my own and let him off the hook in the interest of "no contact". i'm torn. all his stuff is still here, including his car. and i'm not in a position to handle all the money obligations myself. any advice appreciated.
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