Enchanted Girl Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 (edited) I know. This sounds weird, but I have a lot of trouble knowing when in a relationship, I'm supposed to be mad. My car broke down today and my boyfriend I knew for a fact had his phone, but didn't answer it. I left a message and wrote him a text and hours passed and I got nothing in response. He's out with friends and I wouldn't have normally contacted him, but since I was stranded, that's why I called him. I feel upset inside because I don't call him much or act clingy, so he should have known that if I was calling while he was out with his friends that it was an important and unusual circumstance. And I can't even tell if I should be mad or not. I feel mad, but I have enough control over my emotions that I can squash and destroy them if I need to. In my last relationship, I didn't get mad enough. I'm not suggesting being a bitch. That's the opposite of what I want to be. I was raised that being a bitch in a relationship is one of the worst things you can do. But I never got mad at my ex. If you've seen my posts on here about him, you know what kind of person he was. He lied to me for years about many important things, didn't keep any of his promises, neglected me, mentally abused me, and hurt me in a variety of ways. And he always guilted me afterwards and make ME apologize for getting mad at him. So I don't trust myself enough to know when I should be mad. I feel mad right now, but I'm not sure I should be feeling this feeling. How do I know when I'm being rational or not with my emotions? Edited July 31, 2011 by Enchanted Girl
Queen Zenobia Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Two thoughts: 1. Are you sure he had his phone turned on/on ring not vibrate/not in a dead zone? Sometimes when my guy goes to the gym or plays ball with the boys he might not check his phone for a while. His phone could have fallen into a river. You never know. 2. If you're sure about #1 above then I think you should be mad. But, try to use it in a positive way. Communicate that you needed him there for you, and that were the roles reversed you would have been there for him. Or something along those lines. I'd listen to what he has to say and not immediately jump on him, but you are justified in how you are feeling.
ptp Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 If you can verify that he saw your calls/text and ignored them then yes you have every right to be mad. If my GF was stranded somewhere I would make every effort to go help her as soon as possible. Having said that make sure his phone wasn't off or something like that.
Finch Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I agree with Queen Z's advice and would add this: remember that this relationship and this man are different from your relationship with your ex. Try not to let the past influence how you handle this. You are mad right now, but you may be mad for no reason. Find out what happened first and take it from there. There are many reasons why he may not have noticed or been able to respond to the call/text. If he ignored them then yes, you may have a reason to be angry, assuming that calling/texting him frequently with frivolous things isn't something you generally do. Also, even if your anger is justified, communicate that anger in a productive way by clearly expressing your needs (i.e. when you call or text him you will try to be brief, but you would like him to answer when possible in case something like this happens and you require assistance).
thatone Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 you know, as small an issue as it might seem to most people, that's what instantly got a higher grade of respect from me about the girl i've been dating. she has never once failed to respond to a call or text. if she can't answer right away, she always calls me back later in the same day. yes, you should be mad. to hell with the phone tag games people play, if i see a woman's name on my phone at an odd time, doesn't even have to be my girlfriend, i'm going to answer to make sure it's not some sort of emergency, or if it is what i need to do.
kalikula Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I think it depends. How many times did you call him? If someone calls me 2+ times in a row only then do I think it might be an emergency. I have the opposite problem, in a relationship I can get mad very easily.
sm1tten Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I would be upset too. After you calm down, when you speak to him, you can tell him that it bothered you that he was unavailable when you needed him. You don't know that he was actively ignoring you (and I'm guessing/hoping that he wasn't), so I wouldn't attack him over it, but you can let him know that if you are calling him while he's with his friends - ordinarily a time during which you would not call - it might be important and so, if he has access to his phone to please answer. That way, if he was just blowing you off because he was out, now he knows that this isn't okay. If he wasn't blowing you off, you didn't jump down his throat for nothing.
KathyM Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I know. This sounds weird, but I have a lot of trouble knowing when in a relationship, I'm supposed to be mad. My car broke down today and my boyfriend I knew for a fact had his phone, but didn't answer it. I left a message and wrote him a text and hours passed and I got nothing in response. He's out with friends and I wouldn't have normally contacted him, but since I was stranded, that's why I called him. I feel upset inside because I don't call him much or act clingy, so he should have known that if I was calling while he was out with his friends that it was an important and unusual circumstance. And I can't even tell if I should be mad or not. I feel mad, but I have enough control over my emotions that I can squash and destroy them if I need to. In my last relationship, I didn't get mad enough. I'm not suggesting being a bitch. That's the opposite of what I want to be. I was raised that being a bitch in a relationship is one of the worst things you can do. But I never got mad at my ex. If you've seen my posts on here about him, you know what kind of person he was. He lied to me for years about many important things, didn't keep any of his promises, neglected me, mentally abused me, and hurt me in a variety of ways. And he always guilted me afterwards and make ME apologize for getting mad at him. So I don't trust myself enough to know when I should be mad. I feel mad right now, but I'm not sure I should be feeling this feeling. How do I know when I'm being rational or not with my emotions? Is it possible he was out of the cell phone service area at the time? Maybe his phone was turned off to save the battery. I wouldn't put too much concern about it at this point. If he's normally good about answering his phone and calling you back promptly, I wouldn't worry about it.
threebyfate Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Difficult to say why he hasn't responded since there are a number of potentially valid reasons. Most likely, you know your b/f well enough to know if he's lying. With this in mind, when he calls back get him to come over prior to the discussion. Then ask. His response, facial and body language should tell you what you need to know.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Look for patterns of behavior rather than an isolated incident. If he never did this before, then calmly ask him what happened. Your gut will tell you if his answer sounds legit.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 if anything - i'd be disappointed that i can't depend on him - much less correspond when i needed him. that is what i'd tell him.
zengirl Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I know. This sounds weird, but I have a lot of trouble knowing when in a relationship, I'm supposed to be mad. This is a flawed idea. I understand the reasoning behind it, based on your past (which I'll address below), but honestly, "mad" is a feeling. You're never supposed to feel anything you don't feel. What you really want to ask is when you're supposed to be assertive and how you're supposed to assert your needs. A good question. My car broke down today and my boyfriend I knew for a fact had his phone, but didn't answer it. I left a message and wrote him a text and hours passed and I got nothing in response. He's out with friends and I wouldn't have normally contacted him, but since I was stranded, that's why I called him. I feel upset inside because I don't call him much or act clingy, so he should have known that if I was calling while he was out with his friends that it was an important and unusual circumstance. Well, I understand the not-answering part in general. When I'm out with friends, I wouldn't answer or listen to my messages right away (when I'm out with anyone---I give attention to the present); however, if it was sent in a text, and he could see the issue, or you called & texted, or called more than once, that brings, "Emergency" to mind, which is a new issue. This leaves us with three potential scenarios: 1.) There was some sort of error where he actually didn't get the text and message (his phone actually didn't get it) in time. In this scenario: There really is no blame, except the telecommunications company and God/fate. It's a bummer, and you CAN still feel what you feel (mad or whatever) but you can't really blame him. 2.) His phone worked, but he didn't check either his messages or his texts. In this scenario: There is mild blame, and his actions are reasonably understandable IF this is the way he always behaves (out of respect for those around him, he rarely checks his phone when out with them, including when he's out with you) AND he legitimately didn't realize it might be an emergency. **** happens. In this case, you can express your frustration ("I really wanted you to answer") but in a productive way, and maybe try to set up a "This is an emergency!" communication signal for future. 3.) He blew you off. In this scenario: There is major blame, and he doesn't sound like the guy you've previously described him to be, so something is likely up. And I can't even tell if I should be mad or not. I feel mad, but I have enough control over my emotions that I can squash and destroy them if I need to. Any which way, you can always feel what you feel. Even when it's irrational. You should recognize when its irrational and act differently, but self-blaming for your feelings gets you nowhere. If you feel mad, you feel mad. The question is how should you assert yourself, and that depends on what you think actually happened. There are likely potential variations of the Three Scenarios I list. After speaking with him, what do you think happened? Do you think he lied to you at all? What do you think his intentions were? The story doesn't tell me enough about those things to know. In my last relationship, Remember, whatever you do, that this guy is not that guy. You've said as much on this very site many times. So approach him as the guy he is. It's okay for you to have feelings about the past, and for it to creep into your emotions (emotions are what they are) but then sort that out a bit, as you think through it, and try not to take the past out on the present guy. Hard to do 100% (for anyone---the people in our present really do pay for the mistakes from the past, no matter how hard we try) but give it your best shot. So I don't trust myself enough to know when I should be mad. I feel mad right now, but I'm not sure I should be feeling this feeling. How do I know when I'm being rational or not with my emotions? Definitely trust yourself. Emotions are never rational. Your actions should be rational (hopefully) and not arise solely from your emotions, but it's okay if your emotions are irrational. Everyone's emotions are irrational. All the time. There's no such thing as a rational emotion.
Els Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 You won't know until you ask him about the call. My phone is on silent often, so sometimes I wouldn't realize a call/text until a couple hours later. Mom is even worse, I could send mom a text and she'd only read it the next day. Tell him your car broke down and you tried to call him, and see what he says. Haven't you spoken about it already? On the flip side, you really should have some sort of agency that you can call 24/7 whenever you have a breakdown. Relying on friends and bf is usually not a very good idea. Why would you want yourself to be stranded for hours just because bf didn't see a call? Do yourself a favour and subscribe to them - it's their job to respond to you.
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Another boyfriend treated you badly and you let it slide. There's a saying, "If you act like a doormat, don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you." I think the bigger problem is you seem out of touch with your feelings and not very self-aware. You've admitted that you shut down emotionally. How can a relationship grow without honest communication? How will you know when you love someone? "Am I supposed to love him because he buys me dinner and calls me up?"
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I'd be upset but it is possible that he just wasn't available.. It always seems my wife is never available when I need her.. but it isn't her fault since she doesn't carry her phone on her person in every room in the house or outside, so it may be 20-30 mins or so before she would call me back. I learned a long time ago that if I was in an accident getting ready to croak and called her that I would have to leave a message I hope he wasn't being a dick..
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