NikkiVal Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 How much contact is too much between a man and his soon to be ex-wife? The man that I have been seeing for 2 years is in the process of getting divorced. He and his "ex-wife" have an eight year old daughter and share custody. Let me give you a little background before you decide. My S/O and I met on an adult online site. I was unhappy in my marriage and it was only a matter of time before we filed for divorce. My S/O said he was happy in his marriage, but was looking for some play on the side. I was told his wife knew about his extra marital activities. I later found out that she knew that he was sleeping with other women, but had no idea the extent of which it was happening. ANYWAY…. He and I started chatting online in late March of 2009 but did not meet in person until the first part of June. It wasn’t long after our first meeting that we were talking almost all day, through text messages, and he was beginning to break the “rules” his wife had set for his playing. (the rules included not talking with his “friends” after 5 pm, when she was home from work or on the weekends, as that was HER time, and that he wasn’t to fall in love with anyone else) By the end of June he had told me he loved me and he knew I was the one he was meant to be with. By the Fourth of July, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. The fall of 2009 was kind of rocky, I had met another guy online (let’s call him “C”) and he had me convinced that he was looking out for my best interest and that things would not work out with my S/O. I tried to break things off with him but kept going back, I would go a couple of days without talking to him, but missed him terribly. Finally I knew I had to have him in my life, in November of 2009, we met and decided to work on things. We moved in together in March of 2010. My ex-husband filed for divorce that month, and things were finalized in September of 2010. (My S/O’s “ex-wife” filed this past April.) Honestly, the entire past year has been rocky. In the spring of 2010, he asked me to stop keeping in touch with “C”, I honored his wish because I knew it bothered him. “C” had tried to come between us and I almost let him, are my S/O’s words. Last summer we were out of town, just the two of us, and his “ex-wife” text him about a softball game she was at. I was furious that he could not just ignore her. There really was no reason to respond, but he didn’t want to be rude. At this point, I had no idea how often or how much they were conversing. I tried to talk to him about it, that it bothered me. I couldn’t understand how someone who was happily married could leave her for me. They had things in common that he and I didn’t. They had been together 14 years and I just couldn’t comprehend the whole thing. I guess I had never had anyone love me as much as he said he did/does. This went on for a few weeks and we weren’t getting anywhere. I didn’t know what to think. I had asked about him filing for divorce and all I got was that he couldn’t afford it. What that meant to me was that he couldn’t afford the $200 filing fee. (I later found out he was talking about the child support and maintenance that he could potentially pay) As much as that hurt, I didn’t want to leave. I kept thinking if I could get him to talk about it, he would see how hurt I am and do something about it but every time I tried to talk about it, he shut down. By August, he told me they had cut back on the talking, which infuriated me as I knew they were still conversing daily. I can’t imagine how it was before they “cut back” So as juvenile as it was, I contacted “C”. I thought if my S/O can be friends with someone he used to have a relationship with, why can’t I? He had gotten to where he wouldn’t tell me if he had talked with her because it upset me. He said he was just trying to spare my feelings, so I did the same. I kept to myself my conversations with “C”. I’ll speed this up a bit to April 2011. Things got out of hand, my S/O found an IM between “C” and I, it was very inappropriate, I admit. My S/O feels like I cheated on him, though I have not touched another man since November 2009. My S/O printed the IM and headed to work. He is self employed and keeps his office at his “ex-wife’s” house. He had left the IM on his desk and she found it, asked him about it and he proceeded to tell her what happened. I have never tried to make excuses as to why I had a sexual conversation with “C”, I know it was completely inappropriate, unnecessary and hurtful to my S/O. I was felt like I second choice, I was still playing second fiddle to his wife. Even though he came home to me at night, he was talking with her all day. I had told him I had insecurities about them talking about more than their daughter, I was afraid they would be talking about things they used to do, people they used to know, ect. and he would want to go back home. Especially since the past year had been so rough. He still asks me why I felt I needed to do that. I have told him my reasoning and I don’t think he believes me, he says it doesn’t make sense. For months I had been thinking I wasn’t worth the $200 filing fee for the divorce and he couldn’t figure out why I turned to someone else. I too am divorced with a 12 year old boy. My son has two "fathers", his biological dad and my ex-husband. My son sees both, his dad lives in Iowa and my ex-husband lives about 5 miles from us. I don't converse with the two of them as often as my boyfriend speaks to his “ex-wife”. I understand they need to communicate, in fact I encouraged it in the beginning, however it is definitely too much, too often. In addition to the texting, phone calls and whenever they see each other, every Saturday night is spent at the race track where my boyfriend is part of the pit crew along with her boyfriend. My boyfriend was part of this race team until they decided to split. In 2010, the team "fired" him. This year they asked him to return. The summer started with their 8 year old daughter playing softball twice a week, (where they went to the game and sat together, I stayed home). In May, the racing was added and will continue until September. The thing that I find so frustrating is that I feel like I'm sharing him with her. Last night he came home and told me she was having car trouble. Why does he know that? She has a boyfriend, a father and 2 brothers. Why is she calling my boyfriend about her car? I try to talk to him about the whole situation and he tells me it's in my head. I just don't see anything changing or getting any better. Is talking everyday too much, sharing information about our relationship, keeping his office at her place and helping her out around the house? Or am I being the overly jealous girlfriend and all my concerns are "in my head"?
temporaryvisa Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 What a mess... Ah, man :/ You have a son with one man, you've recently divorced another man and now you're having problems with a man who has a wife...You're cheating on HIM with another guy named C. Why even go out with him if he has a wife? Do you just enjoy inappropriate encounters like that? What do you think your son will think about that? It's all so awkward and weird...Yikes. You need to find someone unattached, IMO.
temporaryvisa Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 You come off kind of slutty... Do you think you are? Instead of focusing on him so much, why not focus on your son, who no doubt wonders why his mother has so many man problems? Seriously, no offense...But this is a bad environment to raise your son in IMO 1
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 What a mess... Ah, man :/ You have a son with one man, you've recently divorced another man and now you're having problems with a man who has a wife...You're cheating on HIM with another guy named C. Why even go out with him if he has a wife? Do you just enjoy inappropriate encounters like that? What do you think your son will think about that? It's all so awkward and weird...Yikes. You need to find someone unattached, IMO. I have cut off all contact with "C" I didn't "cheat" on my S/O, I had an inappropriate conversation with another man. I didn't so much as even kiss another man.
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 You come off kind of slutty... Do you think you are? Instead of focusing on him so much, why not focus on your son, who no doubt wonders why his mother has so many man problems? Seriously, no offense...But this is a bad environment to raise your son in IMO No, I don't think I am a slut. My ex-husband and I were married for 8 years, and my son's father and I divorced because he was abusive. I take very good care of my son, we have a great relationship and he is happy. This post wasn't meant to be about my son or how I parent.
temporaryvisa Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 I have cut off all contact with "C" I didn't "cheat" on my S/O, I had an inappropriate conversation with another man. I didn't so much as even kiss another man. It doesn't have to be physical! You had a sexual conversation with him, that was a sexual encounter. You certainly do your fair share of justifying, so why not justifty your husbands relationship with his ex-wife? He WAS with her before you... He DOES have a daughter with her...
Rinas Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Don't take temporaryvisa's advice to heart, I feel it was out of line and very rude.
temporaryvisa Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Just wondering--Is 8 years a long, successful, happy marriage in your opinion? ?
temporaryvisa Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 It's not rude. People have been way more rude on here. You don't have to take me to heart, but I do believe there's something in what I am saying. It's a mess.
Minnie09 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Seems like he's still quite a bit attached to her. Have they filed now, or still not? The fact that you can't be in touch with C, while he's over at her house daily and talks to her non-stop is a double standard and would be unacceptable to me. The sex talk you had with C was inappropriate but I can see where your pissed-off self was coming from. You've got to make your boundaries clear to him, just in case he's clueless. He doesn't need to be in her life, unless it involves the daughter. Everything else is BS. If he likes her so much as a friend, then you should be allowed to have male friends, too. I'm sure he would like it if you hung out with C on a regular basis, discussing your R. No, I'm sorry, this man sounds fishy. His whole ex-wife drama and her involvement in his life is unnecessary and ridiculous. Why did they intend to get a D in the first place?
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Just wondering--Is 8 years a long, successful, happy marriage in your opinion? ? Obviously it wasn't successful, we're divorced. My ex-husband and I get along just fine but I wouldn't call HIM if I had car trouble. I get the impression that you have never been in this type of situation, so I'm not sure what advice you can give.
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 Seems like he's still quite a bit attached to her. Have they filed now, or still not? She filed in April, she said to get me off his back. (like I needed her doing any favors for me) The fact that you can't be in touch with C, while he's over at her house daily and talks to her non-stop is a double standard and would be unacceptable to me. The sex talk you had with C was inappropriate but I can see where your pissed-off self was coming from. I thought it was a double standard as well, that's why I started talking to him again, I didn't intend for it to go the way it did. It absolutely went too far and I take complete blame for that. You've got to make your boundaries clear to him, just in case he's clueless. He doesn't need to be in her life, unless it involves the daughter. Everything else is BS. If he likes her so much as a friend, then you should be allowed to have male friends, too. I'm sure he would like it if you hung out with C on a regular basis, discussing your R. No, I'm sorry, this man sounds fishy. His whole ex-wife drama and her involvement in his life is unnecessary and ridiculous. Why did they intend to get a D in the first place? There was no intention of divorce until he fell in love with me. That's why I am so insecure about their relationship.
Rinas Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 If he has a 8 year old daughter, it's reasonable for them to talk about arrangements and custody. It is a better family situation when all parties can get along, regardless of prior events. If you felt that he was crossing lines, you should have (and still can) sit him down and address your concerns with him. Talking to "C" opposed to discussing and communicating wasn't the best decision. However, I do understand where you are coming from and the green jealousy monster. If you feel that he is not over his ex wife, it would be a good idea to part ways. He has not had any time to be a single man, are you sure he is 100% confident in his decision? He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Have you ended contact with "C" since?
Minnie09 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Summary: He left her for you, but never had the balls to follow through formally on paper. He waited around just in case he might learn that he actually doesn't want a broken family and that the grass isn't greener. And then she filed because she had enough, or found somebody else. The result is the same, whether she files or he files. He'll end up divorced. But the stale aftertaste remains, coming from the fact that she made the decision for him, and you're now left with an indecisive man who has never been really sure what to do. Is that good enough for you? Plus, if the over-involvement with the ex continues, you're going to be one unhappy chick. Again: Stand your ground. Make your boundaries clear and stick to them. Otherwise, he'll be walking all over you, disrespecting your feelings, and putting her first. Don't let that happen. She should no longer dictate his life.
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 If he has a 8 year old daughter, it's reasonable for them to talk about arrangements and custody. It is a better family situation when all parties can get along, regardless of prior events. I have always encouraged him to get along with her, I just didn't intend for them to get along this well. I get along with both of my ex's but we don't talk everyday. If you felt that he was crossing lines, you should have (and still can) sit him down and address your concerns with him. Talking to "C" opposed to discussing and communicating wasn't the best decision. However, I do understand where you are coming from and the green jealousy monster. If you feel that he is not over his ex wife, it would be a good idea to part ways. He has not had any time to be a single man, are you sure he is 100% confident in his decision? He cannot have his cake and eat it too. Have you ended contact with "C" since? I haven't talked with "C" since April, I don't intend to talk with him ever. Even if my S/O and I part ways, I won't be contacting "C"
sm1tten Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 It was rude, actually, but not surprising. This has been an ugly place as of late. Neither of you seem particularly secure in the relationship, which is why it looks like you are both straddling the fence by having inappropriate - be it sexual or not - with your previous partners. It doesn't sound to me like this man actually wants to get a divorce, as he has made no attempt to separate from her beyond moving in with you. What you did - contacting "C" was passive aggressive and juvenile, and probably only made things worse, as in his mind he probably feels justified. You don't trust each other, perhaps rightfully so, as your entire relationship has been marked by deceit. So, where do you go from here? I seriously don't know. I have the feeling that sitting down and talking to him, explicitly detailing the boundaries, is not going to work. He doesn't seem to want them to. I second the suggestion that you possibly cross-post in the ow/om forums, as people there have more experience with this.
Author NikkiVal Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 I did post this in the ow/om forum, thanks for the suggestion.
FitChick Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 The husband and wife sound like the type of people who always need someone else on the side. That is what attracted them. No mature person would put up with that ****.
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