I feel so embarrassed...

July 30, 2011

Hey everybody,

if you're taking the time to read this right now, I really appreciate it. A little bit about myself before I begin with my story: I am nineteen, I have borderline personality disorder; I feel so embarrassed... I was engaged to a guy I started dating at the beginning of Summer 2010. We hit it off great, I have never felt so compatible with anyone before; I have been with a lot of guys. Before I started dating him, I had a really wild past... I loved to party, drink, and ultimately, just have sex for recreation. The guy I started dating (soon to be my fiance) knew I had sort of a risky past, but he never knew all the details - which, I was surprised because I was basically known as the High School slut. But, here he was, clueless to my past. He treated me like a princess, always doing things for me and wanting to be with me every chance he could. He was my best friend and I was his.

My family loved him and my mother even commented that he was a quality guy; I agreed with her. He was perfect. Everything I've ever longed for. Anyways, months pass and things are still going perfect. The dreaded topic of "how many people have I slept with in the past" comes up; I tell him that I've only slept with 4 other guys - this didn't bother him, at all. The reality of that, is, that I was lying. I've slept with 40+ guys, and I knew if I told him the truth, that that would kill him on the inside. Anyways, months pass, and things are still going great. Until, one of my ex-boyfriends starts talking to my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend tells him that I've been with 40+ guys and all this other stuff.

I was so furious that my ex would do that to me, I never did anything bad to him! At this point, my current boyfriend is furious; this is where our relationship starts to go downhill. He starts treating me differently; stops appreciating every little thing I do for him - this really hurt me because I didn't think that my past should play a factor for my future. Over a course of months, the nice, charming, sweet, knight in shining armor guy I knew was starting to fade away... he became indifferent of me; he started to care less and less about me. He decides to propose to me in October of 2010 - I was thrilled because this is what I wanted; I of course, said yes to him. He said that my past wasn't going to let it get in the way of our happiness and future. Well, we become engaged; the first couple of weeks being engaged are perfect. More perfect than they have been in a while... Anyways, fast forward a couple of months; it's December of 2010 now. He calls the engagement off a couple days after Christmas passed - I am devastated. He tells me that he's sorry, but that he can't get past my sexual history. He said it's not that he's insecure about it, but that he just can't get past it. As much as he wants to, he can't. I know he was trying really hard to get over it, but he just couldn't... we were set to get married after we both were finished with uni., but he just couldn't take the pain he was taking any longer.

After this, I felt really guilty; upset. I used to think so highly of myself, I thought of myself as: intelligent, special, and beautiful. But after, I thought of myself as a slut, stupid, and ugly. I couldn't believe this was happening to me... the guy I loved and did everything for was leaving me. I tried killing myself in the first week of January, I couldn't take the pain. I tried overdosing on pills; when I told my ex-fiance this, he told me not to. I didn't listen, and I did it anyway. From what I hear, he rushed over to my house and he took my unconscious body and rushed me to the hospital. I have him to thank for saving my life, but at the time, I honestly with I was dead. I am so mad at him for giving up on our future together, it would've been perfect. Our kids would've been beautiful and we would have had a love like no other. We were soulmates; that's all there is to it. I hate him for being so childish and breaking up with me over my sexual past, in which, I don't even like any of those guys anymore. Except the first guy I lost my virginity to. I don't like him in a relationship kind of way, but as a friend.

I guess the mistakes I made were leaving reminders like pictures, cards, and other things my ex-boyfriends gave me - this drove him mad and he did ask me many times to take them down, but I don't know why I didn't.

He also said that it was my fault for not being honest in the first place; that if I was honest, he wouldn't never have been with me and both our heartbreaks could've been prevented.

I have to go to work now, but I'll add more to this later. Sorry if it's a bit long. Thanks for reading.

Edited July 30, 2011 by Broken&Embarrassed

July 30, 2011

Really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Many of us have pasts, in fact I believe we all have, and we do do stuff that only later in life we regret. But at the time we don't think that far ahead. I mean seriously, who in their teens or early twenties ever thinks about the future - we're just out to have fun and experience life.

I think most of his decision was based not upon how many guys you slept with, but more on the fact you lied. Relationships are based on trust and respect, without them, it's very difficult to maintain something strong. I'd like to know a bit more about what has happened since the break up. Have you two spoken or met up? Has he said how he feels now? Post some more please.

July 30, 2011

Broken,

I think the worst thing you could have done was hide this from him. Every person has the right to know who they are getting involved with. Yes it's scary telling the truth. We have all made mistakes, all done things we regret. Things we wish we could take back. We are scared the people we love will judge us and leave us. U told a lie, you shouldnt be angry at your ex. The anger is misplaced. You shouldn't have lied. Right now I am telling someone I really care about, about my mistakes. Am I scared she will leave me? Yeah I am. But every person has a right to know who they are getting involved with.

You have a long road ahead. The first thing is that you have acknowledged you have BPD. U need to focus on yourself and get that resolved. You need to get your self esteem/self confidence back. U need to forgive yourself and love yourself again. This will take time, hard time. I won't kid you. This is the biggest challenge of your life. But you can turn your life around. It will require enormous courage and self belief.

Once you love yourself again and you have got your BPD under control, then you will be ready to meet someone new. Trust me the right guy won't mind how many people you have been with, indeed he probably won't even ask..

The serenity prayer:

"God me the strenth to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

July 31, 2011

Really sorry to hear about what you're going through. Many of us have pasts, in fact I believe we all have, and we do do stuff that only later in life we regret. But at the time we don't think that far ahead. I mean seriously, who in their teens or early twenties ever thinks about the future - we're just out to have fun and experience life.

I think most of his decision was based not upon how many guys you slept with, but more on the fact you lied. Relationships are based on trust and respect, without them, it's very difficult to maintain something strong. I'd like to know a bit more about what has happened since the break up. Have you two spoken or met up? Has he said how he feels now? Post some more please.

Well, my ex-fiance would tell you that a lot of people in their teens and early twenties think about the future. And you're right, he did tell me that he would've respected me more if I would've told him right off the bat about my past, but I don't believe that he still would've been able to get over it. My counselor tells me that impulsiveness is associated with the disorder that I have; I told my ex-fiance that, but he said that blaming BPD on having all that sex is no excuse - why does he think that way?

Since the break up, we were on and off from the end of January 2011 to mid February - then he called it off again. I attended DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and I got a lot better. We didn't speak again up until about 3-4 weeks ago when he texted me wishing me well; hoping that I was having a good Summer - I was so filled with joy to see his text when I woke up . We met up and to my surprise, it was like nothing ever happened. We were still madly in-love with each other. We ended up having sex and even though we weren't back together, it still felt like we were. He took me out to dinner, took me to the beach; we had so much fun together. However, this past week, his indifferent side came out again and he was being very distant. Yesterday, we met again and this is when he told me that he likes nothing about me... I was in pure shock. How could he not love me? What did I even do to him? I did nothing wrong... he told me that he came to a realization that he loves me nothing about me, and that he doesn't even want to be my friend - this is probably what hurt me the most because I always wanted him to be in my life... and now, he won't be - I cried myself to sleep last night, and I know he probably cried himself to sleep last night too. Last night was a very emotional night for us. I miss him, and I'm saddened I lost him.

July 31, 2011

Broken,

I think the worst thing you could have done was hide this from him. Every person has the right to know who they are getting involved with. Yes it's scary telling the truth. We have all made mistakes, all done things we regret. Things we wish we could take back. We are scared the people we love will judge us and leave us. U told a lie, you shouldnt be angry at your ex. The anger is misplaced. You shouldn't have lied. Right now I am telling someone I really care about, about my mistakes. Am I scared she will leave me? Yeah I am. But every person has a right to know who they are getting involved with.

You have a long road ahead. The first thing is that you have acknowledged you have BPD. U need to focus on yourself and get that resolved. You need to get your self esteem/self confidence back. U need to forgive yourself and love yourself again. This will take time, hard time. I won't kid you. This is the biggest challenge of your life. But you can turn your life around. It will require enormous courage and self belief.

Once you love yourself again and you have got your BPD under control, then you will be ready to meet someone new. Trust me the right guy won't mind how many people you have been with, indeed he probably won't even ask..

The serenity prayer:

"God me the strenth to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

I should've just been honest with him when he told me his deep & darkest secrets, you're right... I don't have any friends that really care about me besides my mom, but I don't see how anyone can ever accept me due to my past.

July 31, 2011

I should've just been honest with him when he told me his deep & darkest secrets, you're right... I don't have any friends that really care about me besides my mom, but I don't see how anyone can ever accept me due to my past.

Trust me broken. If you get yourself sorted, emotionally, physically, mentally the right person will love you. All of you. We all deserve the right to be loved, no matter what we did in the past...

July 31, 2011

Trust me broken. If you get yourself sorted, emotionally, physically, mentally the right person will love you. All of you. We all deserve the right to be loved, no matter what we did in the past...

I don't want anybody else, I just want him. He is my soulmate, and no one can ever take his place . I can't even look at other guys the way I used to when I was dating someone else. Like, before (even when I had a boyfriend), I would imagine being with other people - not in a cheating sense, but just imagining whether they would be a good boyfriend or not for me. When I was with my ex-fiance, I never did this. Not once. No one could 1-up my boyfriend, he was my everything; still is the love of my life.

July 31, 2011

Why dont you give him sometime and let him get his head together. In the mean while, you can look at your mistakes and what you can prove on to make this work. You seem like, madly in love with this guy. If you think he is your soul mate, talk to him once everything is cooled off.

July 31, 2011

I see your ex-boyfriends point of view. Blaming BPD and implusivity on over sleeping with 40 guys is hard to understand if you don't sufferer from it. Many BPDers are not overly promiscious.

I don't want anybody else, I just want him. He is my soulmate, and no one can ever take his place . I can't even look at other guys the way I used to when I was dating someone else. Like, before (even when I had a boyfriend), I would imagine being with other people - not in a cheating sense, but just imagining whether they would be a good boyfriend or not for me. When I was with my ex-fiance, I never did this. Not once. No one could 1-up my boyfriend, he was my everything; still is the love of my life.

You say and think that now, but things will change if you deal with this and process your grief in the right way. BPD sufferers are known to run from dealing with pain/emotions/feelings. How you behave and deal with this situation now and going forward will determine how your life turns out. You have two types of people. 1) That are determined to self destruct 2) That change their lives around with hard work, courage and professional help. I have a horrible feeling you are person 1.

July 31, 2011

It's clear from what you said that even though he came back a few times, it was eating him up and eventually it got too much for him to take. He simply could not get past your past. That really hurts but sadly some people do focus on these things; they have an idea of what people should and shouldn't do when they're young.

For whatever reason you made a choice to sleep with this many men but now it's clear those days are in the past. Sadly you can't expect other people to be able to accept that - it does affect them. I know you truly love your ex but if he's to come back, then that decision has to be his. You can't do anything now to change that and you should try not to focus on doing so. He's been quite clear about his feelings.

Like others are saying, you need to focus on yourself now. Don't slip back to that person you once were just because this has gone wrong. You've experienced true love and there's nothing better - okay, things went wrong and right now you're hurting so much. A lot of us are, that's why we're here. In that respect you're not alone.

Your ex is very much on that pedestal and it will take a while to take him off it. See how others manage to cope and follow their advice. Stay strong and don't give up. I swear that now you've had a taste of love you will want it again, and it will happen again.

July 31, 2011

I agree with smudge above.

I am going to be honest too. I would have reacted the same way, if I found out what your ex boyfriend found out. He is torn. Part of him loves you and see's the good heart in you. But every person has things that are important to them. There are some guys that can't be with a woman that has slept with alot of guys (I happen to be one of them. I don't need to go into why). I had the same problem in my last relationship and I was torn. One day I believed I could get ever it, the next day I couldn't. In the end, It ended up destroying the relationship. What I realised is that if you are not compatible with your outlooks on life, morals and beliefs, its simply not going to work no matter how bad you want it. If he came back it would be the same routine, until you both did untoward damage to each other.

But just cause me and your ex are like that, doesn't meane every guy is. I know many couples that their pasts have never even been discussed. Their past is just a road that lead them to each other. They love the person now and couldn't care less about the past. I felt the heartbreak you are feeling now 4 months ago. But hard grieving, therapy and time have made me realise me and my ex were wrong on so many levels. I'm starting something now with somone who has the same outlooks, morals, beliefs, dreams as me. We have so much in common. It's natural, exciting, buttlerflies you name it. If you told me that 4 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. No way.

You will meet the right guy broken, but you have to do the hard work now..He is not your soul mate believe me, time will show you this. The right person will love all of you..

Edited July 31, 2011 by Mack05

July 31, 2011

You have two types of people. 1) That are determined to self destruct 2) That change their lives around with hard work, courage and professional help. I have a horrible feeling you are person 1.

If this was a couple months back, I would agree with you. Back then, I was in such a dark place that I don't even want to talk about it. I'm trying very hard to move forward, but everyday is painful. Every day is a day that hurts, but I can't give up, I can't do that to my mom.

July 31, 2011

It's clear from what you said that even though he came back a few times, it was eating him up and eventually it got too much for him to take. He simply could not get past your past. That really hurts but sadly some people do focus on these things; they have an idea of what people should and shouldn't do when they're young.

I just don't understand why my past has to matter; I told him that. If he would've done the same thing, I wouldn't care because he's with me now and I got him in the end. I feel he's very immature when it comes to this, and he won't ever find another love like we had. He just threw it all away...

July 31, 2011

One day I believed I could get ever it, the next day I couldn't. In the end, It ended up destroying the relationship

Oh my god, that sounds like my ex-fiance so much. One day he would tell me that he could get over my past; then the next day he would be telling me that he can't do it anymore.

What I realised is that if you are not compatible with your outlooks on life, morals and beliefs, its simply not going to work no matter how bad you want it.

That's very true. He's a pretty moderately conservative guy, and I am pretty liberal in my outlooks on life. What you mentioned is something he told me Friday night; it was one of the reasons why he saw being my friend was pointless.

f he came back it would be the same routine, until you both did untoward damage to each other.

That already happened... he's called me a slut, cunt, whore; you name it in the past - it really hurts that he feels this way about me. Sure, he's apologized for saying these things to me, but it still hurts as I know that the man I love feels this way about me...

Their past is just a road that lead them to each other. They love the person now and couldn't care less about the past.

Isn't this how it should be?

July 31, 2011

I just don't understand why my past has to matter; I told him that. If he would've done the same thing, I wouldn't care because he's with me now and I got him in the end. I feel he's very immature when it comes to this, and he won't ever find another love like we had. He just threw it all away...

Broken it's not sinking in, because you are not thinking clearly or rationally. It's important to him (alot of guys would agree with him, alot of guys wouldn't). It's a personal choice about what you want and expect from a partner. It doesn't matter if you don't understand, it's important to him and you have to respect that fact. He will find love like you had, better actually because he will be with someone who has the same vision of life that he does. It will be the exact same for you..He is not your soul mate. Your soul mate will feel about life the same way you feel. The guy you end up with wont even mention your past and if you both go there, he will still love you anyway.

You need to accept broken he wants something else. Respect that fact and start the process of leaving him go from your heart.

July 31, 2011

That already happened... he's called me a slut, cunt, whore; you name it in the past - it really hurts that he feels this way about me.

Show me one woman on LS that would stay with a man that spoke to her like that? There are some things you cannot apologise for. If he came back you would both be miserable. You would have a relationship of constant ups and downs. It would end up so toxic for you both. Right now you are hurting so you are not thinking clearly. If you were thinking clearly you would realise that you would never want to be with a man who spoke to you that way...What he said is unforgiveable..

July 31, 2011

I totally agree with Mack and wasn't aware he'd said these things to you. This changes a lot of what I told you.

No matter what someone has done in their past, it is important that we all realise we are not a part of their past, we are their present and future. Hell, everyone has a past, stuff we've done that we regret (it's part of growing up, making mistakes, learning), if this ex of yours expects all women to be cleaner than white then he's going to be alone for a long time. Besides, there's also the fact that what happened in someone's life before we met them has absolutely no impact on our lives whatsoever. We didn't even know the person so we can't really have a say or judge them for what they did when younger. My take on someone's past is it's their business, aslong as it doesn't affect their future or our relationship, then there's no reason to bring it up.

However, many people aren't like that. They want to know about the past lives of their new partners. Personally I think digging up the past leads to problems like this. The past is always the past, and it should be left there. There's loads of things I've done that I'd never tell a future partner. None of it affects them, so why should I bother telling them. Unless of course they ask, but if they ask, then they have to accept the consequences of what they find out. Just the same as your ex should've accepted what he heard. Fair enough, I understand his sadness, clearly this affects him, but calling you those names is out of order. No question.

Now we have to ignore the reasons for the break up and concentrate totally on you and your healing. Right now he is the most important person in your life and will be for a long time. You have an emotional bond and it's going to be very hard to break that bond. No contact is your only option now, and it's not going to be easy. These things take time - for some it's a few months, for others it can be a few years. There's no time limit, just one day you feel better and you finally take the ex off that pedestal and realise they weren't as amazing as you thought they were.

Please don't let this one moment in your life set you back to how you were. I said you will love again and you will. Not everyone is there to judge, but next time be honest when they ask. Make them aware that your past is your past and you're not the same person you were.

July 31, 2011

Broken, do you really believe that this man is your soulmate? A soulmate does not call his partner a slut, whore and a cunt. The word "soulmate" depicts the nature of a relationship between two people bonding and existing in positive, healthy and nurturing togetherness. He does not carry the qualities of a soulmate. You believe he is because you're caught up emotionally and you're romanticizing this man. When the dust has settled, you will find it revolting for allowing a man to speak to you this way.

It is one thing for him to walk away because this is not what he is looking in a partner, past or present, but it is another thing to insult you that way. A strong minded and respectable man would have made his decision and walked away without having to verbally and mentally abuse you this way.

In any case, you really need to get into therapy or get some counseling. Aside from BPD, you're also struggling with a beaten sense of self and value. There's more to this than a broken heart. It's a sign for you to start focusing on you and working on what's holding you back. You'll heal from this and when you do, you'll be emotionally and mentally healthy to take those next steps into your new life.

I know this hurts but he has made a decision. This is a hard lesson to learn, but know that most times the truth is always easier to handle rather than lies.

July 31, 2011

Broken- I never asked my ex how many guys she had been with cause I didn't want to know. It made no difference if it was 1 or 100, as long as it was 0 after she slept with me. She would ask me from time to time but I never answered.

Not all guys are like me and not all guys are like your ex, giving him space and time away he may come to terms with it and come back. he may not just know not all guys would even ask that.

July 31, 2011

Have to agree with coltsfan

Your past has sod all to do with him and if i was going out with someone that meant that much to me and another guy came up and told me about her past he would have one sore face after it.

Quite frankly i think he is nothing more than a prick and nowhere near good enough for you.

Also the hypocritical way of the world sucks big time on this - if a guy sleeps with 40 or so women then he is a stud/player - yet if a girl does it then she is a whore.

Guys like this annoy me so much

You will meet plenty guys who will treat you just as good as this one

Your past is nobody's business but your own x

July 31, 2011

Oh my god, that sounds like my ex-fiance so much. One day he would tell me that he could get over my past; then the next day he would be telling me that he can't do it anymore.

I can say I have had some of the same issues though a bit different. Basically my bf dissapeared out of my life for 2 years with another woman (it was very complicated messed up situation i don't want to get into this min.)

He came back and back into my life and i had never gotten over him... so i gave him another shot. I still find it hard sometimes to get over the past and bad things that happened and bad things hes done. Sometimes i will genuinely think its ok.. other times i get upset and want to rip his throat out. It does put strain on the relationship. People can say time heals all and maybe it does.. but slowly... sometimes too slowly for a relationship.

You say you saw each other again and it was like nothing ever happened etc. till he told you he doesn't like you......
After people break up and spend time apart they often idealize their relationship and wonder why they ever broke up in the first place. After coming back together people realize what they used to know and why they broke up. Perhaps that is what happened.. perhaps not.

I can understand why you said what you did about your past.. no one wants to have to shame themselves infront of their lover... and honestly i don't think sexually history should ever be revealed past wether or not you have STD's. (always stay safe!)

I know you love him and how you feel but you need to stop talking with him.. it will only hurt more everytime. Hes made it clear he hold something against you.. wether it be your past or your dishonesty...

I know you say there won't be anyone else... and there may not be for awhile.. but eventually there will be.... and the hurt from this guy that couldn't get over something that probably shouldn't have been a deal breaker.

Hang in there.

~Fallen

July 31, 2011

Simply put, no matter how I've been treated in the past, no matter how many break ups in my thirty years I've been through, I would never talk to an ex like yours has talked to you. You deserve better. You will get better. It's his loss, not yours.

July 31, 2011

Simply put, no matter how I've been treated in the past, no matter how many break ups in my thirty years I've been through, I would never talk to an ex like yours has talked to you. You deserve better. You will get better. It's his loss, not yours.

I agree here Smudge. Every person has the right to live their life, they way they choose and see fit and not be judged so brutally. I personally like to get to know someone (this usually takes months for me) before being with a girl, so that it is something special for the both us. If a girl has been with a lot of guys, I find it hard to feel special to her. I think being with someone is a big deal.

But as most posters said/believe above, it shoudn't matter and I will not argue with them. It's about personal choice. You two are just not compatabile and never will be. What geegirl said above is correct..

Edited July 31, 2011 by Mack05

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