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Can't stop thinking about him- need to move on before I drive myself insane!

fergyxx

By fergyxx
in The Other Man / Woman

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fergyxx New Member

fergyxx

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I have been seeing a close male friend on and off for about 18 months. It started off as no-strings sex at a point where his relationship was also on and off. I should never have got involved in the 1st place but can't change what's happened and need to learn how to deal with it.

 

He has been a very close friend of mine for years and perhaps that's why I feel a closeness. A few months ago they had split up again & I thought the feelings were mutual. However, since then, he has found out he is going to be a dad and they are back playing happy families again (although I tend to think if they are so happy then why is he still contacting me).

 

Nevertheless, it has came to a point where I am finding it hard to deal with. I can't seem to stop thinking/obsessing about him. Clearly the feelings cannot be reciprocated. I go through phases where I am alright with it and keen to move on, then I will see him & it all goes belly up and I'm right back to where I started.

 

It will only get harder for me so I need to break free from this situation as soon as I can. Any tips to help me put this behind me and move on with my life?

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fergyxx New Member

fergyxx

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I agree nc is the best way forward but I find it very difficult. I have not contacted him for a month and nor has he contacted me but the mire time that passes, the more likely I am to want to speak to him. He also lives very locally so often see him passing my house or meet him whilst nipping out for a paper.

 

I am moving soon so hopefully this will no longer be an issue but am somewhat struggling in the meantime.

Gentlegirl Established Member

Gentlegirl

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I agree nc is the best way forward but I find it very difficult. I have not contacted him for a month and nor has he contacted me but the mire time that passes, the more likely I am to want to speak to him. He also lives very locally so often see him passing my house or meet him whilst nipping out for a paper.

 

I am moving soon so hopefully this will no longer be an issue but am somewhat struggling in the meantime.

 

Hi Fergy,

 

I agree it's difficult but the more time passes, actually, the less you will want to contact him.

 

Start thinking in terms of being an X... that might help. Also think about all the drama and crap that will be involved if you do. At the end of the day you will have to go back NC and start all over again.

 

Each time you play the yoyo, it get harder and more hurtful.

 

BB gave you good advice about Baggage Reclaim. It's one of the best common sense sites I have seen regarding being the OW

 

HOpe you move away soon. Distance will at least prevent you from seeing him all the time.

 

Gentlegilr

y2k Established Member

y2k

Posted
Posted
I have been seeing a close male friend on and off for about 18 months. It started off as no-strings sex at a point where his relationship was also on and off. I should never have got involved in the 1st place but can't change what's happened and need to learn how to deal with it.

 

He has been a very close friend of mine for years and perhaps that's why I feel a closeness. A few months ago they had split up again & I thought the feelings were mutual. However, since then, he has found out he is going to be a dad and they are back playing happy families again (although I tend to think if they are so happy then why is he still contacting me).

 

Nevertheless, it has came to a point where I am finding it hard to deal with. I can't seem to stop thinking/obsessing about him. Clearly the feelings cannot be reciprocated. I go through phases where I am alright with it and keen to move on, then I will see him & it all goes belly up and I'm right back to where I started.

 

It will only get harder for me so I need to break free from this situation as soon as I can. Any tips to help me put this behind me and move on with my life?

 

You can't help with who you fall in love with. But you also can't allow yourself to be used in any sort of relationship.

 

Give him an ultimatum. Either he leaves his spouse to be with you, or you never talk to him again. If he decides to leave his spouse, then you're in luck. If not, then forget him. If he doesn't choose you, then be strong and find another man who will. This is the only option and it will give you closure. Good luck.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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Fergy, any chance you could do a spot of 'shallow dating'? Just meeting up with nice, suitable men from time to time as a distraction. Nothing heavy but it can be a really good way of shifting focus from him to you, and being out and having fun is never a bad thing. Sometimes you encounter a bit of a spark with someone and it's healthy to remember that exMM is not the only person you could have a chemistry with. :)

nonamefornow Member

nonamefornow

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Hi Fergyxx,

 

I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive advice at this point, no contact for me started only a matter of hours ago. He has just gone on holiday with his wife and I have done nothing but cry....on and off....all day!!!

 

I work with him though don't see him every day, which I guess helps, but going from having constant daily contact with someone for 5 whole months to zilch is going to be hard.

 

I hope we both wake up feeling in a better place tomorrow, I know, I'm expecting too much, too soon.....but I think I'm going to go insane if I obsess any more about it!!

 

Take care and let us know how you get on!

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
You can't help with who you fall in love with. But you also can't allow yourself to be used in any sort of relationship.

 

Give him an ultimatum. Either he leaves his spouse to be with you, or you never talk to him again. If he decides to leave his spouse, then you're in luck. If not, then forget him. If he doesn't choose you, then be strong and find another man who will. This is the only option and it will give you closure. Good luck.

 

I disagree. You can help who you fall in love with. Being in an affair to me automatically means you are "less than" the person's spouse. You may be who they have sex with (maybe only you or maybe you are only told you); but you are choosing to put yourself in a place where you are not top priority. The married person sneaks around to see you, to text you, etc. At the end of the day, the Married Person goes home to their spouse.

 

As for an ultimateum, if the OP meant that much to him, she would not have to tell him to pick. If he loved her and wanted to be with her, he would have left already.

 

Hi Fergyxx,

 

I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive advice at this point, no contact for me started only a matter of hours ago. He has just gone on holiday with his wife and I have done nothing but cry....on and off....all day!!!

 

I work with him though don't see him every day, which I guess helps, but going from having constant daily contact with someone for 5 whole months to zilch is going to be hard.

 

I hope we both wake up feeling in a better place tomorrow, I know, I'm expecting too much, too soon.....but I think I'm going to go insane if I obsess any more about it!!

 

Take care and let us know how you get on!

 

I hope you are realizing how this is not the life you want. I hope you can see that come the holidays, you will be at home alone while he is with his wife and family. What is so great about that? Why do you settle for crumbs?

  • 1 year later...
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fergyxx New Member

fergyxx

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The best thing you can do is go NC. A site that I think that is very empowering for women is baggage reclaim. Google it and read up on NC other there. There is no bs over there, just straight shooting no nonsense advice.

 

Here I am, a year on & still obsessing :-/

 

Haven't posted in a while, however, since I last posted, his relationship has ended, he clearly wants to enjoy being single & meanwhile my self-confidence has taken a major nosedive!!! My own fault, clearly.

 

Keep trying to convince myself I deserve better etc but yet always end up feeling like an idiot, even more so for deluding myself into thinking it was something it clearly was not. Doormat is not a good look for me :(

Mount Established Member

Mount

Posted
Posted

What've happened between you and the MM during the one year time span? Why he did not come to you?

 

Here I am, a year on & still obsessing :-/

 

Haven't posted in a while, however, since I last posted, his relationship has ended, he clearly wants to enjoy being single & meanwhile my self-confidence has taken a major nosedive!!! My own fault, clearly.

 

Keep trying to convince myself I deserve better etc but yet always end up feeling like an idiot, even more so for deluding myself into thinking it was something it clearly was not. Doormat is not a good look for me :(

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fergyxx New Member

fergyxx

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For a while things continued as they had been. I have to keep reminding myself that it did start off as a kind of fwb situation, but clearly my feelings got the better of me. I allowed it to continue accepting that we couldn't be anything more as he was involved. I made excuses for being used- was probably a bit naive but thought that if it was only all about the sex then would it really have gone on as long??

 

Around Jan/Feb his partner found out- although turns out I was not the only person he'd been seeing. I saw him a few times after this but eventually put my foot down when I realised he would only contact when it suited him. Suppose this had always been the way, but when he had a partner I used this as an excuse.

 

I have now barely spoken to him for 11 weeks. The only reason the nc has lasted so long was due to him losing a phone- I now no longer have his number. I have passed him in the street a few times- we always exchange waves but suppose I feel I don't have any closure on the situation.

 

I am really angry at myself for being so stupid/naive to get involved in the first place. Am also slightly disappointed that he has not tried to contact me at all, as well as being consumed by jealousy over who he is or not seeing etc. the fact I have not heard from him confirms that he clearly does not feel the same way yet I seem completely unable to move on from this.

Fitz Established Member

Fitz

Posted
Posted
However, since then, he has found out he is going to be a dad and they are back playing happy families again (although I tend to think if they are so happy then why is he still contacting me).

 

An important thing to understand:

His happiness (or unhappiness) in his marriage has nothing to do with your affair.

 

In other words, a bad marriage is definitely NOT a prerequisite for a wayward spouse to cheat! Realize that plenty of people have happy marriages and cheat! And plenty of people have broken marriages and cheat!

 

So, yes! A man can be happily married to his wife -and still willingly carry on an affair. It happens all the time.

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fergyxx New Member

fergyxx

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It can. I live it EVERY day. My MM is happily married to his wife, and yet he is also madly in love with me. So, just because someone is in a "happy" marriage doesn't mean they aren't in love with someone else.

 

It is the definition of "cake eating" (which seems silly to me because I've never understood that phrase, because isn't the point of cake to eat it?) for someone to want both. A lot of individuals really look down on those that do it.. frankly to me, at least I know where I fit in the triangle. :)

 

However, this is an old post. The OP resurrected it to continue her story, so I think being that she is NC the best way for us to support her is to be assist her with that.

 

Fair enough- maybe they were happy together, however they are not anymore. I have my opinions, however the fact of the matter is that whether he was or was not happy, it is completely irrelevant. He was clearly not in love with me, his feelings did not stretch further than his next booty call- hence why I now feel the way I do (took me a while to realise).

 

I updated the post as I came across it (having completely forgotten about the original post) and being a year on, things have changed, but I'm still stuck in the same rut, feeling exactly the same as I did back then

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