loveletters Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Would you marry someone with this much of an age difference? They say love knows no color, number, etc... The man who wants to marry me is 53 & I'm 23. I know, I've heard it all before, "youre too young, enjoy your youth first.." But I can't help it if I really love someone as much as I do him... We're not together right now, he has to sort his personal life out before anything, but this is all he ever talks about with me.... What to do????
Dust Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Would you marry someone with this much of an age difference? They say love knows no color, number, etc... The man who wants to marry me is 53 & I'm 23. I know, I've heard it all before, "youre too young, enjoy your youth first.." But I can't help it if I really love someone as much as I do him... We're not together right now, he has to sort his personal life out before anything, but this is all he ever talks about with me.... What to do???? I’m in my upper twenties and don’t think I would ever be romantically in love with a woman 30 years older then myself. I just don’t think I’d find myself attracted no matter how great a person she was. If you find yourself romantically attracted to this man then it shouldn’t matter what any one else thinks. If you have self esteem issues and feel you are settling and aren’t really attracted then you should just have fun while it lasts and if the fun is over then don’t get engaged just say no and leave. So yes do it if its true but if you are questioning things don’t be afraid to question things. Age alone can turn a person off and if that is turning you off don’t feel guilty. The same goes if this is true and good for you and you want this then go ahead don’t let society bring you down.
Author loveletters Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 I’m in my upper twenties and don’t think I would ever be romantically in love with a woman 30 years older then myself. I just don’t think I’d find myself attracted no matter how great a person she was. If you find yourself romantically attracted to this man then it shouldn’t matter what any one else thinks. If you have self esteem issues and feel you are settling and aren’t really attracted then you should just have fun while it lasts and if the fun is over then don’t get engaged just say no and leave. So yes do it if its true but if you are questioning things don’t be afraid to question things. Age alone can turn a person off and if that is turning you off don’t feel guilty. The same goes if this is true and good for you and you want this then go ahead don’t let society bring you down. I love everything about this man. Regardless of his age, & he is definitely 'young at heart'. I never thought I'd fall in love with someone this much older then me. He's great, we have so many good times together & surprisingly have alot in common. I've dated a few guys my age & none of them have struck me the way this man has..The thing that bothers me though is that whenever we're out & we are holding hands, kissing etc... people stare at us SO WEIRD. As if it isn't right. A few weeks ago, a transient had come up to us asking for change & he said, "Can you or your father spare some change?" And I just didn't know how to react to that. I know alot of people would find it funny, but it kinda disturbed me. Oh well though I guess dating an older man.. it comes with the territory. Thanks for the input!
Lucky_One Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 You aren't together because he has to sort out his personal life? By chance, is he married? Have children? If his kids are your age (or probably older than you), there could be a LOT of issues with assimilating into his life and family. As for the original question, no I wouldn't even date a guy that old, much less marry him.
Orianne Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 When you love someone, it shouldn't really matter what anyone else thinks. However, there comes a point where everyone has to think about the long-term prospects of their relationship, and in a relationship where there's a thirty year age difference, age will ultimately be a factor. In any event, I definitely know that when I'm 50, I don't want to spend all my time and energy taking care of my feeble 80-year-old husband. If that's your cup of tea, then don't let anyone stop you--do whatever you feel will make you the happiest.
Lucky_One Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Re-visiting. Would I, as a 23 year old who had been in a 8 year abusive R, marry a 53 year old man 1) who was married 2) who lied and told me he had filed for divorce in April 3) who was on his second marriage 4) who said he was with BS #2 for 11 years yet has a 7 and12 old old 4) who has BS #2 who has had a stroke and is disabled 5) has had at least 4 EMA's, at least one of which lasted 2-3 years and 6) who expected me to take care of his two children when he moved in with me? No. I wouldn't marry him. I wouldn't want to be Wife #3 to a serial cheater who lied and told me he was divorcing in order to get me in bed with him, and I wouldn't want to step-mother a 7 and 12 year old.
Forever Learning Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Re-visiting. Would I, as a 23 year old who had been in a 8 year abusive R, marry a 53 year old man 1) who was married 2) who lied and told me he had filed for divorce in April 3) who was on his second marriage 4) who said he was with BS #2 for 11 years yet has a 7 and12 old old 4) who has BS #2 who has had a stroke and is disabled 5) has had at least 4 EMA's, at least one of which lasted 2-3 years and 6) who expected me to take care of his two children when he moved in with me? No. I wouldn't marry him. I wouldn't want to be Wife #3 to a serial cheater who lied and told me he was divorcing in order to get me in bed with him, and I wouldn't want to step-mother a 7 and 12 year old. Yes I do recall a previous thread where you (Lucky One) mentioned that this fellow 30 years your senior, had MANY personal issues to sort out, and was currently married with young children, - and wanted to come live with you! Do you recall how others painted the picture for you of how your life would be married to a man 30 years your senior, who had a history of bad relationships and bad financial decisions to boot? You also mentioned that you were not comfortable with the age difference, that it bothered you more or less all depending the day to day situation. You hated being perceived as his daughter. That would be a day to day reality for you with this guy. I believe this man is a charmer and a deceiver, and you have a problem child on your hands (a problem child 30 years your elder, that is!). You expressed doubts on that previous thread, and you received some AWESOME advice from other experienced posters, as I recall. Go re-read that thread and consider once again the great advice you received then. You are caught up in a chemically induced state of magical thinking that is skewing the reality of the situation. This guy is a WOLF in sheeps clothing who has mastered the art of charm and seduction of young women. I'll bet the farm that you are just his latest in a long line of (soon to be) broken hearted and angry, disilliusioned victims. I don't even have to call the psychic hotline to figure that one out! I know it's terrible to be in your situation, because you have genuine feelings for him. But it is just infatuation. The reality is, you have your youth and whole life ahead of you, he just has a lifetime of bad choices and regrets he keeps running away from. Personality disordered individuals are very skilled at that, running away from responsibility. Go 'no contact' as you were advised before. Above all: DON'T let him move in with you and DON'T stop using birth control. You don't want to get in any deeper mess with him while in this confused state you are in. 30 years is TOO MUCH of an age and generational difference, and that is due to many MANY valid reasons that will become all to clear the longer you stay with him. Seek out some counseling to get a clearer picture of what is going on in your head that is keeping you with him and allow the counselor to help you see him for what he really is, a user of young women. All the best to you.
pie2 Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Oh, sure I'd marry someone 30 years older...but 30 years and 2 months?! Now that's just crazy!! j/k How long have you two been dating? I think Forever Learning has brought up a good question you should ask yourself...are you sure you're not mistaking lust for love? Love is mutual respect, sacrifice, forgiveness etc., etc. Lust is what most couples feel very intensely for first 2-3 years of a relationship. No one escapes the dramatic drop in intensity and "fire" after spending some time in a relationship, no matter how much they think that their relationship will be different. And when it's gone...your bf will start to look a lot different. My advice is to make a list of all the possible problems that could arise 5, 10, 20 years from now as your bf's wife. You've put up with awkward stares for awhile now, but what about after a few years of feeling like you're being somewhat ostracized by others? Have you sat down and really thought about future health problems your bf will face? What about having children (they'll be 18...he'll be 70)? And what about him nearing retirement? Will you be OK if you're working and he's at home on social security? (Obviously these are just hypothetical scenarios...but children, health, finances etc are issues most couple deal with.) Of course you CAN marry him. You're both willing adults. But, most likely, marrying your bf will bring many extra challenges to the marriage, an institution that is already hard enough to master as it is.
KathyM Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Would you marry someone with this much of an age difference? They say love knows no color, number, etc... The man who wants to marry me is 53 & I'm 23. I know, I've heard it all before, "youre too young, enjoy your youth first.." But I can't help it if I really love someone as much as I do him... We're not together right now, he has to sort his personal life out before anything, but this is all he ever talks about with me.... What to do???? Heck, no. Why on earth would you want someone so much older? He is at a different stage in life. People relate better to people that are closer to their own age. By the time you are in your 30s and wanting children, he'll be ready for retirement and may not be able to get you pregnant--or it may be a lot more difficult at that age. People will think he's your father, and if you have children, people will think he's their grandfather. Not a good scenario. When you need him to have the energy to work full time for a living to support the family, have energy to entertain the little kids and take them to all their stuff, as well as entertain you and be an energetic husband for you, he'll be ready to take it easy and go into a retirement mindset. Nope, you need someone young that will have energy and stamina for your years ahead. And just think when you have teenagers, who can be very draining, he'll likely be 70 or 80 years old. He's not going to be in any condition to parent a teenager at that age, if he even makes it to that age. And just think of the sex. At 40, when you are at your sexual peak, he'll be 70 with wrinkled skin and look like an old man. Eww. Seriously, what were you thinking? It may seem doable now, but think of the long term consequences. It's not doable.
Calisha Brown Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Well, if you don’t want to marriage this person. So what is the problem for that? You can say him…
TheFinalWord Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) Would you marry someone with this much of an age difference? They say love knows no color, number, etc... The man who wants to marry me is 53 & I'm 23. I know, I've heard it all before, "youre too young, enjoy your youth first.." But I can't help it if I really love someone as much as I do him... We're not together right now, he has to sort his personal life out before anything, but this is all he ever talks about with me.... What to do???? Being a guy, I think he has too much life experience to be compatible with you. It is probably primarily a physical attraction for him (I'm sorry if I am wrong, I mean no offense.). It is too easy for him to use his life experience to manipulate you. I am in my 30s and won't date anyone in their early 20s due to differences in life experiences (wisdom). Add 20 years on my life and there is no way I would have anything in common with a girl in her 20s outside of physical attraction. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, what can you honestly offer him? He is in a much later stage of life. You should answer that for yourself (and have him answer it too) to ensure it is not just a physical attraction. To put the age in context...this man was 30 years old when you were in diapers. He already graduated high school, had a job, probably a family and you were still drinking from a bottle. The difference between now and then in terms of life experience is the same. Edited August 11, 2011 by TheFinalWord
FitChick Posted August 25, 2011 Posted August 25, 2011 If I were in my 70s I'd marry a man in his 40s so he could look after me in my old age. Like Joan Collins and her husband. They seem very happy together.
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