Why does BW believe xMM's lies?

[Silly_Girl]

When people tell you who they reallyh are....believe them.

 

How does one know? Or do we believe the negative and not the positive, to be on the safe side?

[fellhard4u]

I cannot image how humiliating it was to be in front of HR and your supervisors and having this guy who you cared about and loved reading about your trysts to everyone. You said he lied...about what? The fact that you carried on an affair at work? That you were into him? That you pursued him? Is any of that not true?

 

Yes, he lied about being a "victim", about not owning his role in the A, about me being the pursuer and not leaving him alone.

 

Also, I doubt that he told BW about the many derogatory and negative things he told me about her and about their M during our A, irrespective of whether they were lies or not.

How does one move past the "honey, while I was in the A with that OW, I told her that I regretted marrying you, that I am not attracted to you physically because of your weight gain, that you are controlling and mean, that you are a "two-buck-chuck" compared to OW who is a fine bordeaux etc.

 

He was either lying then or he is now...my guess is that he was lying the ENTIRE time and to both BW and myself.

[silktricks]

Since this guy had a "reputation" at work, I would bet that whoever sent the emails was either (a)a former AP who was jealous or (b)someone who cared about a former AP and how she had been treated. My vote, however, would be (a).

 

Yes, he lied about being a "victim", about not owning his role in the A, about me being the pursuer and not leaving him alone.

Well, that's fairly standard fair IMO. I think most people anymore, whenever they are in a position that is uncomfortable start claiming victim status. It's one of the major problems with our society.

 

Also, I doubt that he told BW about the many derogatory and negative things he told me about her and about their M during our A, irrespective of whether they were lies or not.

How does one move past the "honey, while I was in the A with that OW, I told her that I regretted marrying you, that I am not attracted to you physically because of your weight gain, that you are controlling and mean, that you are a "two-buck-chuck" compared to OW who is a fine bordeaux etc.

Well, of course, he didn't . Now aren't you glad you didn't actually end up with him??? So he/the affair made you feel good for awhile, but what would have been the reality of life with a loser like that??? Obviously, though he may not want to be faithful to his wife, he does want to stay married to her - elsewise this would have been a golden opportunity to finish with the marriage.

 

He was either lying then or he is now...my guess is that he was lying the ENTIRE time and to both BW and myself.

yup.

 

Now the important thing for you is to thank your lucky stars that you are out of it. Whether in the long run you decide to go find a different job or not, do it only if it's what YOU want to do, and it's best for YOUR career. You let the guy cause enough trouble in your life. There's no reason to do more, especially since your company has stated that they believe you.

 

Hopefully, though, you did learn a really truly valuable lesson. Never but never play where you work. Even if the guy is single, it's really a bad idea. If he's married you're playing with gasoline over an open flame.

 

Now go forth and get involved in some fun things. Take care of yourself. Don't obsess over what happened. Schedule your time. If you don't feel like doing something - ignore those depressed feelings and do it anyway. Pretty soon you'll wonder why on earth you had felt bad over this - not to mention wondering what you ever saw in the guy....

 

Oh yeah, why does the wife believe him? Because she loves him. Same like you believed him, though the evidence - that he was married - showed him to be a liar.

Edited August 1, 2011 by silktricks

[Spark1111]

fBs here....my first knee-jerk reaction was also to expose to the world, including work.

 

But I did not, because I would never hurt a child, not even her child, with the possibility of job loss. I did tell trusted friends and family.

 

I wish she and he had thought of my/our children, who were devastated by the discovery.

 

And that was my initial blink: To preserve the life my children had known and enjoyed. They thought we had the best family life of all their peers.

 

So I do agree that her reaction was to get rid of the interloper (you, unfortunately) to preserve what WAS.

 

Over time, when ready, she will be kicking his azz. Trust me on this.

 

Her response to you had less to do with you than her need to preserve what she and he had built together.

[fellhard4u]

But I did not, because I would never hurt a child, not even her child, with the possibility of job loss. I did tell trusted friends and family.

 

I wish she and he had thought of my/our children, who were devastated by the discovery.

 

Aside from my own feelings of betrayal (I know this is sick) by xMM, I have been and am still angry because his disclosure of the details of our A and ensuing accusations had the potential to jeopardize my ability to make a living for my family - I am a single Mom and my kids rely on my income and benefits.

 

As far as I know, none of our kids are aware of what happened, although I know that as far as my kids are concerned they have been affected by seeing their Mom sad and depressed at times.

 

After all this went down, I did hire an attorney and I have a civil complaint for defamation of character against him ready to be filed. My colleagues and superiors at work let me know that xMM was terrified that I would go ahead an sue him.

 

After giving the whole thing more thought, I came to the conclusion that whatever the outcome of the suit, it would lead to the A and all its ugliness to become public record, which could/would affect our kids and our ability to be breadwinners for our respective families.

 

I have decided, however, that this is not the right way to go forward as it would keep everyone stuck in this unhealthy place and that it would use up my emotional energy needed to deal with other necessary things in my life.

[silktricks]

 

After giving the whole thing more thought, I came to the conclusion that whatever the outcome of the suit, it would lead to the A and all its ugliness to become public record, which could/would affect our kids and our ability to be breadwinners for our respective families.

 

I have decided, however, that this is not the right way to go forward as it would keep everyone stuck in this unhealthy place and that it would use up my emotional energy needed to deal with other necessary things in my life.

I think you made the smart choice, though you may regret it at times. It's hard to know that someone you love(d) has told so many lies about you that other people are believing. I hope you can have peace in the future, and keep your chin up.

[fellhard4u]

By the way, emails can be set-up with a specific delivery time and date request. No longer do you really have to sit there and press the send button. Not that I think you actually sent them. Who cares who sent the emails at this point though!

 

Your comment (no offense taken ) illustrates why I feel such a need to find out with certainty who wrote and sent those emails. It matters to ME, because I do not want ANYONE to have ANY suspicion about me possibly being the author of the emails.

 

Perhaps this has to do with the fact that I have been dragged through the mud so much and xMM has tried to portray me as the crazy xOW...all of this is so YUCK!

[fellhard4u]

Thank you all so much for taking an interest in my thread and for sharing your opinions.

 

I know that the right thing is to get past this and leave things alone. I am working on it and feel that I have made already made some progress.

 

- I know xMM and I are over FOREVER.

 

- I have accepted that xMM is a self-serving cowardly rat who is not worthy of my OR of BW wife's affection and devotion. He wiped the floor with BOTH of us.

 

- Although I still feel a great amount of resentment against xMM for what he did after Dday, the thoughts of wanting to get back at him have become fewer and far between. It would ultimately be a waste of my time and energy.

 

- I am in the process of accepting that finding another job and leaving my current place of employment is a positive thing for me and my kids. Staying just because of pride issues would be just another form of self-injury.

[stillafool]

I never thought that xMM would go and disclose our A to employer and lie about it. Why did I not see him as being capable of being such a lying coward?

 

He probably thought it was going to get back to the employer anyway so he thought to save his job he would play the victim and it worked.

 

 

BW's response was that xMM had told her everything (she claims that she was not surprised by any of the contents of my email or attachment), she believed her H's account of him being the victim, she pitied me for not having been "chosen" by him and she sent me her "sympathy" for having a hard time getting over the whole thing.

 

Actually that was kind of her. She has probably been through this before with him and knows he isn't going anywhere.

 

Why does BS believe xMM's lies even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he is telling lies?

 

Well you believed his lies and she has far more vested in their relationship than you do. It seems he has moved on with his life unaffected and I think you should try to let it go because nothing is going to change. His wife will stay with him and believe what she thinks is best for her marriage. If you feel depressed make an appointment to talk to a professional who can help you through this. It's a waste of your time trying to figure out what is going on in their marriage.

 

How long ago did this happen?

[fellhard4u]

Well you believed his lies and she has far more vested in their relationship than you do. It seems he has moved on with his life unaffected and I think you should try to let it go because nothing is going to change. His wife will stay with him and believe what she thinks is best for her marriage. If you feel depressed make an appointment to talk to a professional who can help you through this. It's a waste of your time trying to figure out what is going on in their marriage.

 

How long ago did this happen?

 

This all happened in the beginning of last May.

 

I have been getting help, counseling, meds etc. ever since and it's been a process...

 

What happened because of DDay catapulted me into a state of shock and an ensuing deep depression which left me with just enough energy to function as a Mom and an employee.

 

I am just now feeling "strong" enough to post about what happened on this board. Up until now, everything was too raw and painful. So, you could say that being able to tell about what happened on this board is a sign that I'm in a better place already...

[stillafool]

So basically this happened a few months ago. It will take more time and in a few more months you will feel much better. Do you still see him everyday at work? If so and it's painful for you, I would definitely start looking for another job. I know it's hard in this ecomony.

[fellhard4u]

Ok, I know that he is playing victim and all but how many people besides his W are actually buying his sob story? You said he has a "reputation". Do you also have one? If you don't, then why are you so pressed on how he portraits you? Dont think that people are so easily fooled. In reality, he is a MM person that is known for cheating, not the poster child for highest standards and good behavior.

 

No, I did not have a "reputation" at work...although, I'm sure that now, after this mess, I have one .

 

You see, some of my pain (and much shame) in all of this is about knowing that I have disappointed some people at work, who up until Dday held me in the highest regard both personally and professionally. People have told me in confidence that they never thought that someone like me would even consider becoming involved with someone like xMM.

[MissBee]

The bolded part in MissBee's response represents one of the many issues that I believe I need to address in my healing process.

 

What is it in me that chose to ignore the "signals" of a situation which will likely lead to a "hot mess"? Being of reasonable intelligence and judicious in other areas in my life, why did I allow myself to go down the path of A?

 

xMM once told me that it seemed that the women in his life all started out to be nice, normal and seemingly well adjusted women who because of their association with him, ended up unhappy and depressed. Why did I not take this at face value and run as fast as I could?

 

The A and everything surrounding it has lead to me to question everything about my life and my ability to be a healthy person.

 

Relationships are our greatest teachers! We hardly learn as much about ourselves as we do by being involved with others, particularly on a romantic level. We can compartmentalize our careers, our hobbies and other areas of our life whereas good, healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships require us to be vulnerable, open and honest in a way that is scary! Most of us have no clue how to do that, especially if the examples we've seen or experiences we've had have taught us that doing so is not worth our while....but we still desire relationships, we just end up forging very strange ones or without the proper tools, we end up being like a carpenter using a butter knife, which no doubt leads to frustration and a mess. We still trudge along though trying to make do with a mangled piece of wood , even though a part of us realizes that this is not how a cabinet should look, and we do feel an underlying dissatisfaction, yet we still try to make it functional and okay.

 

It is extremely common for women to be judicious, intelligent, confident, well-adjusted in other areas of their lives and then in relationships it all goes to hell....

 

I'd use the comparison that not because one is an accomplished surgeon means that one can go into the wood shop and now create a magnificent dining table....no. It requires different skills, different tools, different knowledge set etc, although some things may be similar. Likewise, relationships require a whole different set of things and not because you're great at other things means you automatically are good at relationships.

 

I have a great book called: "Loving Him Without Losing You" by Beverley Enge that addresses this very issue of how otherwise "together" women end up in certain "hot messes", ignore flags and give away their power. I think you should read it and you should also visit this site called baggage reclaim, Google it, as it will talk about these very things!

 

 

Two reviewers says this about the book:

 

This book clearly explains why so many women find themselves in fantasy marriages and romances with real men. Beverly Engel urges women to think, evaluate, and risk rejection before they repeatedly jump into the same trap. In a gentle voice, she offers commonsense guidelines for telling the truth, learning to trust perceptions, and using solitude. -- Evelyn Streit Cohen, M.S., M.A., marriage and family therapist and coauthor of Couple Fits: How to Live with the Person You Love --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

 

 

"In Loving Him Without Losing You Beverly Engel offers powerful wisdom and insight concerning the age-old problem of women losing themselves in their relationships with men. Unlike so many others, Beverly doesn't take the easy way out by blaming men but instead explores the phenomenon from a biological, cultural, and psychological perspective and offers women empowering suggestions about how to take responsibility for changing their situations." -- Patti McDermott, author of How to Talk to Your Husband; How to Talk to Your Wife

 

 

You definitely can be a healthy person....you're showing that by even questioning this ability. There is hope for you You are certainly not alone and many many accomplished, beautiful, smart, women face some of the same issues. It takes a different kind of work to listen to one's intuition, to have good relationship habits, to love one's self etc than it does to do other things in life. But it is fixable. By reading that site for starters, then maybe even getting that book and others like it, you'll be able to identify certain things, identify women like yourself who have had similar feelings and experiences,learn the root of it and be able to transform that area into what you'd like it to look like.

Edited August 1, 2011 by MissBee