fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 My Dday happened last May and xMM and I have been NC since he threw me under the bus after Dday. Since this is the OW/OM board, I would like to discuss this from my point of view, as a former OW, without being labeled as insensitive to the BW situation. What happened during and after my Dday has been the most traumatic experience in my life. Dday started with a series of anonymous emails exposing xMM's A with me, as well as accusing him of having inappropriate relationships with other women in our place of employment (xMM and I work together). Emails were sent to BW, xMM, my H from whom I have separated for 2 years and our employer. I did not write these emails (xMM knows this since we were having lunch together at the very moment that emails were received by all parties). I still don't know who wrote them and it is driving me crazy. In the days following Dday, I learned that xMM believed that I wrote the anonymous emails and he proceeded to disclose our A in all its details (including when, how and where we had sex) in a formal meeting with all our superiors. xMM also accused me of pursuing him and painted himself as having been the victim of someone (me) who wouldn't leave him alone. Employer informed me of what xMM told them about me and the A and about his accusations. Employer does not believe xMM's account/ accusations given that he has a "reputation". Although there have been no repercutions at work for me from xMM's disclosures and accusations, the ugliness, the sense of loss, betrayal, and humiliation that I have experienced have caused me to go into a deep and debilitating depression. One of my issues is that I have lost my sense of being able to trust my own impressions and judgement. How do I begin to understand the many, many whys? On our very Dday, prior to everyone receiving the anonymous emails, xMM told me he dreamed that BW would die so that he would not have to deal with a divorce. Who says that kind of stuff and then turns around to act like a victim? I never thought that xMM would go and disclose our A to employer and lie about it. Why did I not see him as being capable of being such a lying coward? Anyway, after all the lies that xMM told about me, I did send BW an email signed by me (I don't hide behind anonymous emails) letting her know that I was sorry for helping her H in betraying her and that she is owed the truth. I attached a file to the email containing all the emails, notes etc. that xMM and I exchanged over the course of the A, up until the very Dday, so at least SHE would have written proof of the truth about xMM's A with me. BW's response was that xMM had told her everything (she claims that she was not surprised by any of the contents of my email or attachment), she believed her H's account of him being the victim, she pitied me for not having been "chosen" by him and she sent me her "sympathy" for having a hard time getting over the whole thing. Why does BS believe xMM's lies even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he is telling lies?
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 My Dday happened last May and xMM and I have been NC since he threw me under the bus after Dday. Since this is the OW/OM board, I would like to discuss this from my point of view, as a former OW, without being labeled as insensitive to the BW situation. What happened during and after my Dday has been the most traumatic experience in my life. Dday started with a series of anonymous emails exposing xMM's A with me, as well as accusing him of having inappropriate relationships with other women in our place of employment (xMM and I work together). Emails were sent to BW, xMM, my H from whom I have separated for 2 years and our employer. I did not write these emails (xMM knows this since we were having lunch together at the very moment that emails were received by all parties). I still don't know who wrote them and it is driving me crazy. In the days following Dday, I learned that xMM believed that I wrote the anonymous emails and he proceeded to disclose our A in all its details (including when, how and where we had sex) in a formal meeting with all our superiors. xMM also accused me of pursuing him and painted himself as having been the victim of someone (me) who wouldn't leave him alone. Employer informed me of what xMM told them about me and the A and about his accusations. Employer does not believe xMM's account/ accusations given that he has a "reputation". Although there have been no repercutions at work for me from xMM's disclosures and accusations, the ugliness, the sense of loss, betrayal, and humiliation that I have experienced have caused me to go into a deep and debilitating depression. One of my issues is that I have lost my sense of being able to trust my own impressions and judgement. How do I begin to understand the many, many whys? On our very Dday, prior to everyone receiving the anonymous emails, xMM told me he dreamed that BW would die so that he would not have to deal with a divorce. Who says that kind of stuff and then turns around to act like a victim? I never thought that xMM would go and disclose our A to employer and lie about it. Why did I not see him as being capable of being such a lying coward? Anyway, after all the lies that xMM told about me, I did send BW an email signed by me (I don't hide behind anonymous emails) letting her know that I was sorry for helping her H in betraying her and that she is owed the truth. I attached a file to the email containing all the emails, notes etc. that xMM and I exchanged over the course of the A, up until the very Dday, so at least SHE would have written proof of the truth about xMM's A with me. BW's response was that xMM had told her everything (she claims that she was not surprised by any of the contents of my email or attachment), she believed her H's account of him being the victim, she pitied me for not having been "chosen" by him and she sent me her "sympathy" for having a hard time getting over the whole thing. Why does BS believe xMM's lies even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he is telling lies? So because the BS in your case responded the way she did, we all think that way....hmmmm got it.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Hi Bent, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that ALL BWs react this way. I have been reading these and other boards related to infidelity for a while now and I know it isn't so. I was just referring to xMM's BW.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I think your focus is in the wrong place actually..At the end of the day WHY she chose to stay with her husband and why he chose her over you after D-Day, the anger should be directed more at him than her. He threw you under the bus and has ruined your reputation as well.. Work place affairs are nasty when everyone finds out, but that's part of the price you and him pay for having an affair at work..The fallout is huge. Anyway, she has her reasons as to why she's chosen to believe him (he's krafted and skilled liar, hey, you believed him throughout your affair, probably believed all that he told you about maybe how 'nasty and mean, neglectful and selfish his wife was, right'? He played BOTH of you, put himself as a victim in your eyes and in hers. The difference is, she has a history with him, a life built, family entwined..The house, the kids, friends, family, inlaws..Why should she give that up if she doesn't want to? It's a package deal so if she feels she wants to take her H's side in all this and not believe your side of the story, it's her right. And, it's not your business either.. sorry I don't mean that to read harshly but this is why your focus shouldn't be on her and why she's still married to him.. The focus really should be on yourself and working on you, grieving the loss, getting over him and letting go, putting this stuff out of your head so you can move on with your own life. Think about looking for another job, or ask for a transfer. Not because of him, but because you're depressed and I'm sure being at work is hard and it's an unhealthy place for you right now. As for who sent the emails? Does it really matter? What are you going to do if you find out who it is? Give them crap for interferring in your life and creating a D-day?
Minnie09 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 What the BS is replying to you after receiving evidence (attachments including things like love notes to you from MM etc.) does not necessarily reflect her true feelings. It's just her way to cope and show you that she's the "winner", unaffected by the A, and now, after D-day, the one he chooses to be with. Please understand that she needs some way to feel better about herself, and superior to you. She wants to fight back, give you what you "deserve", and create some kind of a balance in her head. She was totally thrown out of balance by the A, and now she's trying to rectify it at least on the outside. Believe me, though, that he's paying big time. Depending on what you sent her, he's going to hear about it every day. There's no way she believes him that you were the only one pursuing the A, if you disclosed evidence that tells her otherwise. As I said, she wants to feel better by making you feel inferior, and by initiating e-mail-contact, you gave her a reason to reply in a way that suits her best. It's probably not an authentic reply. She will feel devastated and crushed more than anything else. And her M is definitely going to suffer for a long time after this. Her H is a liar and a cheat. She knows it, you know it, your employer knows it. Her reputation and his are destroyed. There's no way everything is fine at home, but she is trying to make you believe it is for sure. That's her way of coping, paying you back, restoring her crushed self-esteem, her immense mental imbalance. You cannot imagine how that must have hurt her, and you should not take her response at face value. Her M is not all roses. She does not trust her H. And for sure she doesn't believe his version of the story, even if she told you so. No way!
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 What the BS is replying to you after receiving evidence (attachments including things like love notes to you from MM etc.) does not necessarily reflect her true feelings. It's just her way to cope and show you that she's the "winner", unaffected by the A, and now, after D-day, the one he chooses to be with. Please understand that she needs some way to feel better about herself, and superior to you. She wants to fight back, give you what you "deserve", and create some kind of a balance in her head. She was totally thrown out of balance by the A, and now she's trying to rectify it at least on the outside. Believe me, though, that he's paying big time. Depending on what you sent her, he's going to hear about it every day. There's no way she believes him that you were the only one pursuing the A, if you disclosed evidence that tells her otherwise. As I said, she wants to feel better by making you feel inferior, and by initiating e-mail-contact, you gave her a reason to reply in a way that suits her best. It's probably not an authentic reply. She will feel devastated and crushed more than anything else. And her M is definitely going to suffer for a long time after this. Her H is a liar and a cheat. She knows it, you know it, your employer knows it. Her reputation and his are destroyed. There's no way everything is fine at home, but she is trying to make you believe it is for sure. That's her way of coping, paying you back, restoring her crushed self-esteem, her immense mental imbalance. You cannot imagine how that must have hurt her, and you should not take her response at face value. Her M is not all roses. She does not trust her H. And for sure she doesn't believe his version of the story, even if she told you so. No way! How is her reputation ruined....I'm curious.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Whichwayisup, thank you for your response. I know that you are right in pointing out that I should be focusing on myself and for the most part that's what I have been doing. However, the A and its aftermath have caused so much devastation in my life and I have been left with feeling that there are so many things I don't understand and that don't make sense. I guess I am one of those people who needs to understand something before being able to come to terms with it. I also know this is not the right approach as there are many things in life that are beyond understanding, but still... Anyway, yes, I am looking for another job but am not in a hurry. On the one hand I know that finding another job would be helpful in my healing process, on the other, I feel that if I leave my current job (which I love), it would be one more sign of "defeat".
Minnie09 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 How did that smiley get there in my header? It doesn't belong there!?! @bent: everyone's reputation is ruined, including the AP's, of course (just didn't mention it specifically because it is crystal clear) I think if anything embarrassing that happens in a M is revealed to the world, and this includes A which are never the BS's fault, there's always a lot of gossip involved, people being judgmental, nosy and whatnot. Most BS will feel some degree of shame, embarrassment, helplessness, etc. It's not them who caused the mayhem, but it's still THEIR M that is affected. Let's say it causes a damage to the "family reputation" if something like that happens and you have to deal with it in public (like in the workplace). Maybe your situation was different, and maybe your personality is different, but let's not nit-pick. I'm not attacking you. Also: there are many judgmental people out there, and if they hear about an A, they might form an (un-called for) opinion of the wife that decides to stay.
MissBee Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) My Dday happened last May and xMM and I have been NC since he threw me under the bus after Dday. Since this is the OW/OM board, I would like to discuss this from my point of view, as a former OW, without being labeled as insensitive to the BW situation. What happened during and after my Dday has been the most traumatic experience in my life. Dday started with a series of anonymous emails exposing xMM's A with me, as well as accusing him of having inappropriate relationships with other women in our place of employment (xMM and I work together). Emails were sent to BW, xMM, my H from whom I have separated for 2 years and our employer. I did not write these emails (xMM knows this since we were having lunch together at the very moment that emails were received by all parties). I still don't know who wrote them and it is driving me crazy. In the days following Dday, I learned that xMM believed that I wrote the anonymous emails and he proceeded to disclose our A in all its details (including when, how and where we had sex) in a formal meeting with all our superiors. xMM also accused me of pursuing him and painted himself as having been the victim of someone (me) who wouldn't leave him alone. Employer informed me of what xMM told them about me and the A and about his accusations. Employer does not believe xMM's account/ accusations given that he has a "reputation". Although there have been no repercutions at work for me from xMM's disclosures and accusations, the ugliness, the sense of loss, betrayal, and humiliation that I have experienced have caused me to go into a deep and debilitating depression. One of my issues is that I have lost my sense of being able to trust my own impressions and judgement. How do I begin to understand the many, many whys? On our very Dday, prior to everyone receiving the anonymous emails, xMM told me he dreamed that BW would die so that he would not have to deal with a divorce. Who says that kind of stuff and then turns around to act like a victim? I never thought that xMM would go and disclose our A to employer and lie about it. Why did I not see him as being capable of being such a lying coward? Anyway, after all the lies that xMM told about me, I did send BW an email signed by me (I don't hide behind anonymous emails) letting her know that I was sorry for helping her H in betraying her and that she is owed the truth. I attached a file to the email containing all the emails, notes etc. that xMM and I exchanged over the course of the A, up until the very Dday, so at least SHE would have written proof of the truth about xMM's A with me. BW's response was that xMM had told her everything (she claims that she was not surprised by any of the contents of my email or attachment), she believed her H's account of him being the victim, she pitied me for not having been "chosen" by him and she sent me her "sympathy" for having a hard time getting over the whole thing. Why does BS believe xMM's lies even when faced with irrefutable evidence that he is telling lies? Wow.....needless to say, this is a mess. One of the worst DDay scenarios I have heard. I can empathize with the feeling of not trusting yourself and your judgment. I would venture to say though, that there is never smoke without fire, and the short of it, is that despite whatever excuse someone in an affair has, they are indeed showing themselves to be liars. Whether or not it is their usual thing or it is a one time thing, the point is that, to conduct a clandestine affair..one's lying and deceit skills has to be practiced at least daily and therefore that was the smoke to this potential firestorm of drama! Were there other signs? Maybe. I don't know the full situation so I cannot know....but that one sign is usually enough to at the very least expect more lies. The fact that he lies daily then to lie some more is really not a stretch. Also, your superiors seem to know of his "reputation", hence they didn't believe him....I assume then that his rep precedes him and that was also a smoke signal. I do believe most of the time we see signs or evidence that shows us how someone is or could potentially be, we just choose consciously or a little subconsciously to ignore it, for whatever reason; often because what we would like to see is prettier than what is. It happens. It's a task to not only recognize flags but to actually listen and follow through or in some cases listen and turn back from where we're hell bent on going. I can say that every drama and hot mess I ventured in, I had a feeling it would be a mess, and I did it anyway and I was upset when it was a mess (go figure) but was I thoroughly shocked? No. I think as time goes by and you process things more you'll see this and overtime you'll be able to trust yourself again. This man is ridiculous though and while I do think many MM are on the more cowardly end of the spectrum, he has really gone above and beyond to disclose sexual positions in a formal meeting with your superiors, to accuse you of stalking and the like. Smh. As for his wife...I mean, maybe she is living in denial, of the highest order at that, and that's her business to sort out. You informed her, she doesn't care...you did "your part" and that's that. I had an experience where a bf cheated on me and began dating another girl when he went on summer vacation and she asked me about us and I told her the truth and showed her evidence that we had been together and she said we should confront him on the phone together....long story short, this girl told me the next day before our "ambush" that: "I know everything and I'm sorry but I've decided to be with him" I was furious at her for being stupid and for the fact that he seemed to get away scotch free. I wanted him to hurt and for his life to fall apart then and there. It didn't....but the Universe did provide vengeance in it's own time without my input. Anyway...you did what you did and what happened happened. You chose to believe a known liar, and so has she *shrug*. You now have the choice to work through things, realize he is a D-Bag and leave him and his wife to that mess and just get yourself out of it. Edited July 30, 2011 by MissBee
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 What the BS is replying to you after receiving evidence (attachments including things like love notes to you from MM etc.) does not necessarily reflect her true feelings. It's just her way to cope and show you that she's the "winner", unaffected by the A, and now, after D-day, the one he chooses to be with. Please understand that she needs some way to feel better about herself, and superior to you. She wants to fight back, give you what you "deserve", and create some kind of a balance in her head. She was totally thrown out of balance by the A, and now she's trying to rectify it at least on the outside. Believe me, though, that he's paying big time. Depending on what you sent her, he's going to hear about it every day. There's no way she believes him that you were the only one pursuing the A, if you disclosed evidence that tells her otherwise. As I said, she wants to feel better by making you feel inferior, and by initiating e-mail-contact, you gave her a reason to reply in a way that suits her best. It's probably not an authentic reply. She will feel devastated and crushed more than anything else. And her M is definitely going to suffer for a long time after this. Her H is a liar and a cheat. She knows it, you know it, your employer knows it. Her reputation and his are destroyed. There's no way everything is fine at home, but she is trying to make you believe it is for sure. That's her way of coping, paying you back, restoring her crushed self-esteem, her immense mental imbalance. You cannot imagine how that must have hurt her, and you should not take her response at face value. Her M is not all roses. She does not trust her H. And for sure she doesn't believe his version of the story, even if she told you so. No way! You are right to say that I don't know how it feels to suffer from such betrayal, however I can imagine some of the pain. I guess she doesn't know that xMM had been telling me mean and derogatory things about her (I did not include any of this in my "evidence"). This was one of the things I called him on over the course of our A: if you really think that about your BW, why are staying in this M? I do understand her need to feel superior and to hurt me, I am not proud of what I did and deeply regret it.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 You chose to believe a known liar, and so has she *shrug*. You now have the choice to work through things, realize he is a D-Bag and leave him and his wife to that mess and just get yourself out of it. Yep, I did choose to believe a known liar. keep asking myself now WHY I chose to believe him. "You are the only one that I have been honest with about my feelings", "I'm staying in my M and working on it because it's the right thing to do" (all the while, bringing me flowers, lunches and writing me notes...). I used to believe he was a confused, scared man who found himself in a M he didn't want to be in, but who wanted to do "the right thing". I believed him when he told me that he never forgave BW for faking a pregnancy and tricking him into M and that marrying her was a big regrettable mistake. I guess the one good thing that has come out of this terrible story is that I now know that xMM is only interested in saving his own butt, regardless of the damage that is inflicted on others.
alexandria35 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 What the BS is replying to you after receiving evidence (attachments including things like love notes to you from MM etc.) does not necessarily reflect her true feelings. It's just her way to cope and show you that she's the "winner", unaffected by the A, and now, after D-day, the one he chooses to be with. Please understand that she needs some way to feel better about herself, and superior to you. She wants to fight back, give you what you "deserve", and create some kind of a balance in her head. She was totally thrown out of balance by the A, and now she's trying to rectify it at least on the outside. Believe me, though, that he's paying big time. Depending on what you sent her, he's going to hear about it every day. There's no way she believes him that you were the only one pursuing the A, if you disclosed evidence that tells her otherwise. As I said, she wants to feel better by making you feel inferior, and by initiating e-mail-contact, you gave her a reason to reply in a way that suits her best. It's probably not an authentic reply. She will feel devastated and crushed more than anything else. And her M is definitely going to suffer for a long time after this. Her H is a liar and a cheat. She knows it, you know it, your employer knows it. Her reputation and his are destroyed. There's no way everything is fine at home, but she is trying to make you believe it is for sure. That's her way of coping, paying you back, restoring her crushed self-esteem, her immense mental imbalance. You cannot imagine how that must have hurt her, and you should not take her response at face value. Her M is not all roses. She does not trust her H. And for sure she doesn't believe his version of the story, even if she told you so. No way! I think the above is the most likely scenario. I don't for a second believe that his wife fully believes him and she is probably kicking up a storm with him right now over the evidence you sent her. She is still trying to decide how to handle this and what she should do. She is in the middle of a very traumatic situation right now. Have you ever noticed that in the media when someone is accused of doing something awful, often the first thing their spouse does is make a public statement stating that they believe in their spouse and they are standing by them, only to leave the accused spouse later on? I think the united front thing is sometimes a way of closing the door to the nosy people who want to gossip and speculate on the couples private life, so that they can deal with the fall out in private and in their own time. I think the wife is closing the door to any more involvement in her marriage by you and rightfully so. I would do the same and if I was crushed by your evidence and didn't believe my husband, that would be none of your business and I sure as heck wouldn't be sharing my pain with you. The **** has hit the fan and now you need to stay the hell out of this womans marriage. What she thinks, believes, or does from this moment on is really none fo your business.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Yes, I understand her reaction of wanting to "close the door" on anyone trying to interfere with her M. I have no intention of interfering in her M any longer. Enough damage has been done by my involvement with her H. This thread I started was inspired by some of the issues discussed in another thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t289520/) that is active here on this board at the moment and the question I posed in the thread title is but one of the many questions that I have been asking myself in the aftermath of this devastating experience. Thank you to all of you for sharing your perspective, I truly appreciate it.
road Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Why? Because the BW has no motivation to forgive you. You and your actions post affair have no impact on her recovery. You want your MM to get half of BW wrath especially that he threw you under the bus. What did you expect MM if they wanted out they would of D his wife. As 90% of MM they are just looking for fun.
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 How did that smiley get there in my header? It doesn't belong there!?! @bent: everyone's reputation is ruined, including the AP's, of course (just didn't mention it specifically because it is crystal clear) I think if anything embarrassing that happens in a M is revealed to the world, and this includes A which are never the BS's fault, there's always a lot of gossip involved, people being judgmental, nosy and whatnot. Most BS will feel some degree of shame, embarrassment, helplessness, etc. It's not them who caused the mayhem, but it's still THEIR M that is affected. Let's say it causes a damage to the "family reputation" if something like that happens and you have to deal with it in public (like in the workplace). Maybe your situation was different, and maybe your personality is different, but let's not nit-pick. I'm not attacking you. Also: there are many judgmental people out there, and if they hear about an A, they might form an (un-called for) opinion of the wife that decides to stay. Yes, this was recently pointed out to me that some BS feel shame. I still don't understand that concept, but I accept that it is possible for some BS. I don't see why, but okay. *shrug* I feel my rep is just fine.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 "Have you considered that it was the wife who sent the emails?? The BS is advised to expose to everyone and even though she did it anonymously, the goal was accomplished. Yet.......you'll never really know who sent them, unless you can trace an IP address and then that would be iffy, so you'll just have to let it go. Give it some time and it won't seem so important anymore. Or since you mentioned his employer knowing about his "reputation", it could have been his past ow or he might have been seeing you and another ow at the same time and she was pissed." Yep, I have considered any and every possible perpetrator: BW, possible OW, exOW, etc. The issue is that the anonymous emails contained very accurate information about specific things xMM said to me, which the author of the emails could only have known from either having access to emails and/or overhearing conversations between xMM and myself. In fact, according to a colleague of mine who talked to xMM after Dday, that is one of the reasons why xMM believes that I am the author of the emails. The emails came from a gmail account -which only shows the Google server IP address- and short of obtaining a court order issued by a judge, there is no way to find out the real IP address of the person who wrote the emails. That leaves me in stuck and very frustrated. I did consider the BW as the one writing the emails, but, at least in my mind, it doesn't make sense for a BW to disparage her own WH's reputation with his employer since it might affect his career and ability to make a living for his family - especially if she decides to reconcile. Even if they were to get a D, wouldn't it be to her and her child's advantage to be able to make a decent living so he can pay child support? You are right though in saying that her goal was accomplished: xMM dropped me like a hot potato, threw me under the bus and yes, I realize that the healthy thing for me to do is to find another job. "Well at least he showed what a dumb ass he is by discussing the intimate details. You should feel angry about what a coward and idiot he was and the anger will help you get past it. He's had other affairs uh?" I can honestly say that it was the most humiliating experience in my entire life to have detailed list of our sexual encounters provided by xMM read to me by the head of HR in the presence of 4 of my superiors. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think of that moment... I mean, how could he? And why did he feel it necessary to share any details with my superiors? I am and have been very angry. I was told by some of my colleagues and superiors that he did have at least 1 other A and that his now BW was the one he cheated with on his first BW.At the time, it was a "scandal" at our workplace. Of course, the account that he had given me about how he got together with BW was completely different.
Author fellhard4u Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 "I think Minnie hit the nail on the head about why the bw responded the way she did. She said things to hurt you purposefully and she wants you to know that you did not win, she did. She also took back her power by trying to make you feel inferior because he is with her. She sent you the classic stuff that bs are advised to send and I bet she told you do not ever contact either one of us again, right?" She did indeed tell me to not ever contact either of them again. And I most definitely won't!
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 How come you other BS didn't give me the handbook on how to talk to the OW?
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Sorry if I assumed to much, but I was just going by what I've read other there at that other site. There are some very pissed off women over there. There are pissed off people all over the place.
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Yep..........guilty as charged. I've cooled off now..........until the next round. You??? I think your anger does not qualify as a stage of pisstivity.
TurboGirl Posted July 31, 2011 Posted July 31, 2011 Op, why do you care what the BS believes or doesn't believe? It is OVER. She can do as she wishes with her H... believe him or not, whatever. You are out of the picture. BE GLAD YOU ARE OUT!!! Who needs that mess?
fooled once Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I cannot image how humiliating it was to be in front of HR and your supervisors and having this guy who you cared about and loved reading about your trysts to everyone. You said he lied...about what? The fact that you carried on an affair at work? That you were into him? That you pursued him? Is any of that not true? You willingly entered an affair with someone married. Own that. Who cares how it got exposed; the good news is it was exposed. Can you image carrying on with this cheater? As for his wife, I am sure he is not 'off the hook' at home. I am sure there are all kinds of discussions going on. I am positive he is spinning it that you are the one who pursued him, that he felt sorry for you, you wouldn't take no for an answer, etc. She is hurt, angry and lashing out -- at you and at him. She is trying to wrap her head around how could you choose to have an affair with her husband. She can't understand how you could do that. She can't believe her husband could betray her that way. They have a history - meeting, dating, engaged and being married. They have planned out their life. You are expecting her to throw away the last xxx amount of years of her life. She may do that; she may choose to forgive him. She has something with him that you never will....a past. Don't hate her because she may stay married to him. Hate him for what he did to both of you. How can anyone respect a person who deceives and lies like he did? You knew it from the beginning that he was a liar and a cheater; she didn't. She has had her world implode. I hope you never ever have to experience what she is feeling Have compassion for her.
Summer Breeze Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 How come you other BS didn't give me the handbook on how to talk to the OW? I have an idea it was you were like me. Staying and reconciling was never a serious option. Why bother? Sorry if I spoke out of turn on your behalf but that was my situation.
Author fellhard4u Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I do believe most of the time we see signs or evidence that shows us how someone is or could potentially be, we just choose consciously or a little subconsciously to ignore it, for whatever reason; often because what we would like to see is prettier than what is. It happens. It's a task to not only recognize flags but to actually listen and follow through or in some cases listen and turn back from where we're hell bent on going. I can say that every drama and hot mess I ventured in, I had a feeling it would be a mess, and I did it anyway and I was upset when it was a mess (go figure) but was I thoroughly shocked? No. I think as time goes by and you process things more you'll see this and overtime you'll be able to trust yourself again. The bolded part in MissBee's response represents one of the many issues that I believe I need to address in my healing process. What is it in me that chose to ignore the "signals" of a situation which will likely lead to a "hot mess"? Being of reasonable intelligence and judicious in other areas in my life, why did I allow myself to go down the path of A? xMM once told me that it seemed that the women in his life all started out to be nice, normal and seemingly well adjusted women who because of their association with him, ended up unhappy and depressed. Why did I not take this at face value and run as fast as I could? The A and everything surrounding it has lead to me to question everything about my life and my ability to be a healthy person.
bentnotbroken Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 The bolded part in MissBee's response represents one of the many issues that I believe I need to address in my healing process. What is it in me that chose to ignore the "signals" of a situation which will likely lead to a "hot mess"? Being of reasonable intelligence and judicious in other areas in my life, why did I allow myself to go down the path of A? xMM once told me that it seemed that the women in his life all started out to be nice, normal and seemingly well adjusted women who because of their association with him, ended up unhappy and depressed. Why did I not take this at face value and run as fast as I could? The A and everything surrounding it has lead to me to question everything about my life and my ability to be a healthy person. When people tell you who they reallyh are....believe them.
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