My guy is not letting me go & also threatening me ... Please Help !!

[CoolNisha_HurtInLove]

Hey, I'm in a very hurting relationship from past 3 years ... I mean i am never happy with it at all ... But still i managed to survive in it till now... and it resulted in me failing in my exams & getting away from my family.. and it resulted in spending all my time with him .. thus spoiling my whole life..

 

I am still 18 yrs old & now i want to concentrate on my future & career & want to spend my life in good things. I have even told my guy who is 23 about it all .. but still the problem is that he has left his family because of his personal fites & has a lot of financial burden on him ... and also he has left his homecity & shifted to our town before 2 years. This has made him alone & he feels i should always be with him whatever maybe.

 

But the problem is that my career & my plans are totally different & also our ideas & minds dont match. He just wants me to be with him, whatever work i might have, i have to cancel it .. bcos nothing is greater than him. Over that, he is so boring & manipulative & arrogant person that he'll keep on with his own work all the time & keep himself busy even when am there .. But he refuses to make me do any work. If i oppose him of being busy with himself all the time .. he says that i have to understand him & gets very emotional & makes me keep quite at the end.

 

Even if i dont agree with any of his behaviour & even if i am very tired of him.. I cant express it with him at all ... I mean i always express it from 3 years .. & he just passes it off by saying a joke about it & still continues. I have tried to avoid him, get angry at him, schold him, etc etc. But nothing is working at all .. I feel he'll also get violent incase if i permanently avoid him. He has even said it before.

 

I am really confused & need someone's help regarding .. how can i stay away by him without causing myself any harm or any emotional problems? He calls me up everyday and there is no way i can be without taking the call .. because he knows very well where am i & what am i doing. So i cant lie to him. Incase if i dont pickup his call for 2 days continuously, he will come directly to my residence & tell me to call him back. ... He says he cant live without me at all ........

 

I have tried telling him that i have no feelings towords him & that i cant be with him all the time .. but he has an idea to cope with that also ... He always keeps telling me that .. this is the last time he'll be calling me & then i am in the trap again.. Because anyway he has 100 ideas to make me say YES to him. I am really pissed.

How can i send this guy away?

 

Please suggest me ... Please help me !!

[Just Visiting]

Wow....this guy sounds pretty scary. He doesn't seem to get the hint so you might have to get a restraining order. Change your phone numbers, schedule...anything. Especially if he has hinted at being violent with you. Don't take the chance. It is obvious that he has you where he wants you....afraid and under his thumb. Reasoning with him is not working. I would take action on getting out of that situation as soon as possible.

[morrigan]

Tell him clearly never to contact you in any way again. If he continues to harass you, or makes any threats of violence, call the police.

 

You are not in love with him, you are bored by his manipulations and are worried about his threats of violence. Think of the lousy way he treats you anytime you think about going back to him. You have a good life ahead of you, but not if you stay with this man. Freedom and respect are important parts of love--two things your ex doesn't seem to think you deserve.

 

You are not obligated to make someone's life good for them; he is an adult and should realize that people are not possessions. Avoid him entirely.

[bluechocolate]

You sound like you really want to get rid of this guy and he's going to make it hard for you. You need to get very serious about how to go about this.

 

Am I assuming correctly that you are still together? If that is the case then I'm not so sure that a restraining order can be instigated at this time. First I would suggest that you have to make it clear to him that the relationship is over - if you're afraid of him then don't have this conversation alone. Find someone who can tag along - even if they're out of earshot but keep them within your line of sight. You need to start telling as many people as you can ( friends and family ) about what is going on and what you want to do.

 

He calls me up everyday and there is no way i can be without taking the call ..

 

If you end the relationship you have no obligation to take any of his calls. If he calls you start logging every single call - time, date, place, what was said ( especially threats or veiled threats ). Remember he doesn't have to directly threaten you to intimidate you. If he threatens you or even if you feel threatened, tell someone at your local police station. I don't know where you live, but many police stations have female officers trained to deal with cases like this. They may not be able to do something immediately, but it is important that they know. Keep a journal but keep it factual - it may be necessary to hand it over to the police and you wouldn't want to have any "emotional" stuff in it like you would in a personal diary. Try not to engage him in an argument - reiterate that you do not want him to call you then can hang up. Block his number from ALL of your telephones.

 

So i cant lie to him.

 

Lie to him about what? If you're not seeing him then lying is irrelevant.

 

He says he cant live without me at all

 

That is not your problem - as harsh as that may sound. And besides, more than likely it is emotional blackmail and not a true indication of the depth of his feelings for you. If it were true then what does he treat you as badly as you say?

 

I have tried telling him that i have no feelings towords him & that i cant be with him all the time

 

I have to confess that I am slightly confused as to what it is exactly you want here. Do you really want to end this relationship? If you do and he indeed frightens you then you shouldn't want to be with him at ANY time and for ANY LENGTH of time.

 

More importantly once you do end the relationship do your utmost to ensure that you are never with him alone. Carry your mobile phone with you at all times, carry a police whistle, stay away from the places that you know he frequents or the places that you used to go to together. This may sound drastic and constricting, but if you're afraid for your safety then you should take steps to minimise the possibilities that he can use to "get" to you.

 

Finally, he's 23 you're 18 now - meaning you were 15 when you starting seeing each other? Did you have sex with him when you were 15? In most jurisdictions it is illegal for an adult to have sex with a 15 year old. I'm not suggesting for one moment that you use that to threaten him in any way and I would strong recommend that you DON'T. But it is something that you should keep in mind - and please be careful how you use that information - if you tell a police officer, or anyone in some kind of position of authority, then they may be legally obliged to instigate proceedings against him ( of course this is assuming you DID have sex with him when you were 15 ).

 

Find a woman's crisis center in your local area and speak to someone there. They should be able to help you out with suggestions, options, legal questions, etc.

[faux]

Explain to him how you feel just as you did when you wrote this post. Break up with him, as it is obvious you are only with him because of his threats. No one deserves to be in a relationship where one is not comfortable, and where one does not feel safe. You are scared, and upset, and this is definitely not a relationship you should continue to be in. Get out now. You say this has gone on for three years? Be strong enough to end this NOW before you convince yourself this is acceptable behavior from other men in the future.

 

Tell this man that you do not wish for him to visit you, see you, or communicate with you in ANY way, even if through mutual friends. Disassociate yourself from any mutual friends. If he persists in communication, save everything that he sends you. Whether it be a note, a card, email, voice mail or answering machine message, or telephone call, keep a record of it. Jot down in a journal (Keep it with you ALWAYS) of the date and exact time and length of the phone call, what was said (very important) and how you felt, and what you were doing when you got that phone call. If he bumps into you in person, jot down afterwards what happened in your journal.

 

Be firm and do not take his phone calls. Hang up on him and hopefully he will get the idea. If you are not firm and blunt he will not get the idea at all. If he persists, please go to the police with all of your information. Depending on the situation, the police will help you to file a temporary restraining order (TRO) against this man, barring him from any and all contact with you, and preventing him from further harassing or threatening you.

 

It sounds to me that this man may very well try to harass and threaten you, and just perhaps he might actually stalk you (Harassment is often confused with stalking). The police will let you know what you can do in your situation and what charges you can file against him. Usually after one week you will be required to present your case in court. This would mean you must see him face to face in the same room, and prove your case.

 

Good luck with your situation. I strongly recommend, based on what you said, that you leave this relationship. Worry about YOU. Some of your rights in a dating relationship are to feel safe, to NOT be threatened, and to ALWAYS have the right to end things at any time, and to say NO.