lost.lamb Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 My boyfriend just broke up with me a few minutes ago. I need advice and help. My boyfriend is six years younger than I am. This is the third time he's broken up with me. He's never dated a girl before me and the first time he and I were together, he would get upset because he was jealous of the guys I were with before him. I was also very controlling with him, expecting him to call when he said that he should and be sad when he didn't call at the right time. He's a very affectionate boyfriend; always giving me kisses and hugs and calling me nicknames. He's made me feel very special. He's also very loyal and rarely hang out with girls. Those are the things I like about him. The first time we were together, we would always fight over my past with my exes and other guys. He had to leave the country and he would sometimes ignore my calls so I didn't pick up my call as he'd expect when he needed me (to help him come back to the country. Long story). He got so sad that he walked out and banged his head and he was seeing things for a few weeks. He broke up with me. We got back together when he found out that I went clubbing with my friends. The second time he broke up with me was when I became very clingy and not trusted him. There were a few times that I suspected him of cheating which is completely my fault. My first boyfriend played me and ever since, I was never able to fully trust any guy until this guy came along. This may be confusing but I never trusted him until we got back together the third time (this time). But I do have my reasons for not trusting him. He's lied straight through his teeth and I caught him lying to me about small things that he didn't have to lie to me about. We would fight almost everyday on the phone over my exes or my personality in general and every time, I'd beg him to meet me the next day. There was a time when I chased after him to the mall to see him. I'd call and call and kept asking him where he was. When he finally decided to meet me, he'd always hug me and call me cute and give me affection. One night, I suspected him of cheating because his friend made a Photoshopped picture of him with two other women. A part of me knew that he wouldn't do it but I had to ask him to make sure. I asked him to meet me at the apartment lobby to meet me about the picture. He got so upset at me that he broke up with me then and there. I clung onto him and walked to his apartment (it was at night), waited for him downstairs and finally gave up and went back home. The next day, I went to his apartment to beg him to give me a chance to change. Eventually, he and I got back together. Things were okay until I caught him smoking at his cousin's birthday party. I was devastated because he lied to me about not smoking and he kept it from me. We had more fights and I made an appointment with a counselor to try to fix the problems between us. In the session, he broke up with me. I told him to not talk to me for at least half a year because he and I were together for almost a year. He looked shocked but pretended to not care and left me crying into my counselor's shoulder. Two months later, another guy pursued me and I ended up liking him. To make the long story short, things happened and the guy has stopped liking me. I contacted my ex asking if he wants to be friends again. I wanted to be friends with him because he is a loyal person and I do feel close with him. It took him weeks to respond but eventually we decided to meet for lunch. We ended up spending a whole day together. I was only expecting friendship but he kissed me and made the moves on me. After we got together, I never suspected him of cheating because of the guy I was with before him who was not as loyal as he was. I trusted him and always tried my best not to fight. We had a misunderstanding on the phone tonight. He said something that made me feel hurt and offended because I felt that he said that I was weak and desperate when he was telling me to love myself. He never said those but I read between the lines. I never have a problem being single and I felt that I wasn't wrong just because I talked to him when I feel sad. I do hate myself sometimes but who doesn't? I love myself too but I have those off moments when I just needed comfort from someone I trust and love. He asked me, "Why are you with me anyway?" That was the only thing that gave me the feeling that he's insecure like how he used to be. Finally his tone changed and he said that I have problems. He said many things that hurt me. I told him that we all have problems and we're all different. He said that he's never been misunderstood by any of his friends and only with me. He compared me to a friend of his and said that his friend never makes him feel the way I make him feel. I told him calmly to try to make him understand that I also said that same thing to one of my exes when I was naive about relationships and that he's only saying that because he doesn't have experience with other girls expect me. He said many hurtful things and I told him that he hurt me but he said coldly that he knows. Then I asked him why he wants to be with me if he thinks I'm ____ and ____. I said that if I don't make him happy, then we should break up. He sounded devastated and asked me if I wanted to. I told him that I didn't but if I am _____ & ____ (I was too hurt to remember what he called me) then why is he still with me. He said that it's for the best. I asked him why he still kept the gifts I gave him and the shoes and shirt that I wore if he dislike me so much. He said that it's because I am a great person but my problem overshadows my great personality. He said that my problems are that I'm clingy, I'm insecure, I don't love myself, I have a weird way with affection. My family is not very affectionate and we don't show affection physically. His family and relatives are all affectionate and gave each other hugs often. He said that I'm looking for a father figure in guys which I don't think is true at all. I may be seeking for affection that I felt neglected of when I was younger but I told him that he was accusing me. He told me that I didn't even know that that was what it is. He talks as if I am so clingy and so desperate for a guy. But at the same time, I think he was letting his insecurities get to him because he mentioned that he was probably a back up. That I feel close with any guy who touches me. He was bringing back up the past with the guys I used to know. I know that I'm loyal but what is wrong with feeling close to someone who physically touches me (hugs and kisses) when I only date one guy at a time and don't cheat? I apologize for the long writing. What my ex has told me tonight has made me question myself. If it would be alright, could you tell me if I'm really the one with the problem? If so, what kind of problems? Should I really seek professional help? All this time, I've always thought that all girls get insecure, jealous, clingy and everything like me. Could it be that he just didn't want to deal with me and that was his excuse of making me go away? He said that I was acting clingy when I tried to talk over the problems with him in a calm manner. Tonight was the second argument we had (they weren't even close to the fights we had in the past). But does he expect me to always be happy? Now that I think about it, he might even be with me for revenge this time because he mentioned his dislike of me going with another guy after he and I broke up. He said that he's never found another girl after we broke up but what did he expect from me? I was always the one chasing after him every-time he and I fought. I tried my best to hold onto the relationship to the bitter end. Did he expect me to wait for him AFTER he dumped me? How could he blame me for finding another guy after him? I've never cheated on him. Is something really wrong with me because he said that I have a very big problem.
elliebee Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 wow this sounds like me and my bf, he says im to clingy and that i dont trust him and that all our arguments are always my fault... but anyway i say that i will try not to be to clingy and to trust him more but then i just said this is who i am yes i may be clingy and dont like you doing things that i dont approve of but if you love me then you will have to see threw my bad points and love me for who i am..... so yes you may be the person with some of the problems but at least you tryed to fix them and you tryed to keep things together and thats all you can do really ... sorry if i diddnt really help you with anything .....
Author lost.lamb Posted July 31, 2011 Author Posted July 31, 2011 wow this sounds like me and my bf, he says im to clingy and that i dont trust him and that all our arguments are always my fault... but anyway i say that i will try not to be to clingy and to trust him more but then i just said this is who i am yes i may be clingy and dont like you doing things that i dont approve of but if you love me then you will have to see threw my bad points and love me for who i am..... so yes you may be the person with some of the problems but at least you tryed to fix them and you tryed to keep things together and thats all you can do really ... sorry if i diddnt really help you with anything ..... You have helped. Thank you for that. ^__^ My ex also always blamed me for almost everything so I know where you're coming from. Also, you are right that this is a part of who I am and if he really loved me, he'd accept all of me. The pain is bad but all I can do is to tell myself that I've tried my best. If I love him enough I must let him go. If he comes back then it's meant to be... Good-luck with your relationship. I really hope that things are better between you two. ^_^
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