Married 2 years- considering divorce : (

[FSM]

So I just feel like venting and getting some feedback from people, I don't really feel comfortable discussing this with my family or friends just yet and not my SO.

 

Summarized: Been together 5 years, married for 2. I'm 27, she's 24. Annnd I'm seriously considering filing for divorce.

 

My god where do I begin.... Our finances are a mess, moreso hers. She simply neglects bills, lets them default, only worries about them once they're sent to collections. My credit isn't great, but hers is an absolute nightmare. It's nothing more than laziness on her part and it drives me up the wall....

 

Our sex life is a joke. I feel at this age, we should be having more sex, but we don't. 2-3 times a week is the norm, sometimes more, sometimes less. She rarely ever initiates, refuses multiple positions(again, out of laziness, I carry the workload), and will yawn right in the middle of sex. YAWNS IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX. I'm probably not a sex god but I've had more than my fair share of women and know my way around the female body, and I KNOW she's having multiples. It's insulting, it's irritating, it makes me want to end sex at that moment and if I didn't have such an insatiable sexual appetite I would. I'm hit on frequently by women and have turned down numerous sexual requests and it burns me up that I have to when I have a wife at home who will YAWN during intercourse. I feel like I'm wasting my best physical years. Not to sound like an egotistical freak but I'm in excellent physical shape, I'm tall, I'm good looking, I'm in good health, and it feels like a waste. I feel like I'm going to look back 40 years down the road and think "wtf were you thinking?"...

 

She's gained 50lbs over the 5 years we've been together, most in the past couple. She constantly pisses and moans about her weight, degrades her current physical current state, and then takes no action to address it. I myself weight train 4-5x a week and hit cardio a few times as well. I eat healthy 90% of the time. She's no reason not to be eating well and working out with me, she just won't do it. She walks around naked constantly and I'm disgusted by her appearance. She makes no effort to get in shape. Every few months she renews her goal of getting fit and healthy and I encourage and aid in whatever way I can. I fill out her vitamin container for the week with vitamins and supplements, I cook her dinners, Ill throw snacks/lunch together for her work day, I ask her to train with me, I let her know what foods she should be eating.... She sticks to it for about 3 days, if that, then it's back to her steady diet of pizza and other junk foods. She has zero discipline and will power. I just can't wrap my head around this and it's getting to be a serious issue for me. Is this shallow? I bust my @ss to look good and stay healthy and I don't think it's an unreasonable request to ask the same of my mate. If this is the long haul I have no desire to be with someone who's setting themself up perfectly for diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, etc. I refuse to swallow that...

 

Babies. Babies. Babies. This is all I hear about anymore. Now that we're married it's imperative that we have children, right now, this instant. We're not financially set and I feel the relationship problems we haven't settled yet should be addressed before we would dive into having children. This is mostly the reason she even speaks of sex anymore, for the purpose of having children. I don't feel like a desired man she feels passionately for, I feel like a sperm dispenser. This also ties into her atrocious dietary habits, as when I have children I have every intention of teaching them healthy nutritional habits and she would be completely incapable of setting an example for them....

 

She doesn't clean, I carry 90% of the workload around the house and yard. And when she does "clean" she does an intentional half ass job so that I end up doing it all anyway. We have dogs, which she promised to care for if we got them, guess who bathes them and cleans up the copious amounts of excrement they produce? Her face is constantly glued to her smart phone or the television. She seems bored as well, I try to suggest new activities we can do together but she's never really interested. I ask her what she'd like to do, but doesn't seem to bother with producing any suggestions. It seems like we don't have much of anything in common and I find myself trying to recall what brought us together in the first place, if it was anything more than wanting a SO.

 

I'm bored, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm frustrated beyond words. There's more, but this should suffice. I feel like we have the same problems cycling over and over and no matter how many times we discuss them there's never any real change.

 

I feel like we both know it's over and I'm the one who's going to have to be the bad guy. The biggest thing keeping me from doing so thus far is that we've become quite co-dependent on one another and I worry about her coming home alone to an empty house, and it almost brings me to tears. I will bounce back from this, I can roll with the punches and move forward. I don't know if this will break her in a severe way and I guess that's why I haven't pulled the trigger.

 

Any advice, thoughts, opinions, insight would be greatly appreciated. I really just needed to dump this out and get some feedback. Thanks in advance

[pie2]

I think it would be so admirable if the relationship with your wife didn't crumble into just another much-too-common divorce statistic. You seem to have so much will-power and discipline when it comes to fitness, nutrition and finance. But, at the end of your life, will those things really matter as much as being passionately committed to one of the most relationships and bonds you'll ever form?

 

IMO, your frustrations are completely valid. You're right - the inability to manage finances is hard to deal with. Not seeing eye-to-eye on physique is also probably very frustrating. Feeling pressure to have kids when you're not ready...that's a lot to take. Not to mention the lack of passion in bed. All of these are very understandable concerns.

 

I think you could improve your ability to encourage your wife to get on the same page as you. My advice is to spend the next three months dedicating to your wife the same effort and disipline you give to physical health and personal finance.

 

Counseling may be a good place to start.

 

But whether or not she's willing to go to counseling, why don't you spend the next month NOT getting on her case about any of the problems you currently have in the relationship. BUT, when you see her doing something positive (eating a salad, going for a walk, enjoying sex, etc.) just compliment her on it, and make sure she knows how much you appreciate it.

 

In other words...spend one month IGNORING the bad, and REWARDING the good!! You might see some real change in how she reacts to you.

 

Let me know if you think this is stupid advice

[KathyM]

So I just feel like venting and getting some feedback from people, I don't really feel comfortable discussing this with my family or friends just yet and not my SO.

 

Summarized: Been together 5 years, married for 2. I'm 27, she's 24. Annnd I'm seriously considering filing for divorce.

 

My god where do I begin.... Our finances are a mess, moreso hers. She simply neglects bills, lets them default, only worries about them once they're sent to collections. My credit isn't great, but hers is an absolute nightmare. It's nothing more than laziness on her part and it drives me up the wall....

 

Our sex life is a joke. I feel at this age, we should be having more sex, but we don't. 2-3 times a week is the norm, sometimes more, sometimes less. She rarely ever initiates, refuses multiple positions(again, out of laziness, I carry the workload), and will yawn right in the middle of sex. YAWNS IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX. I'm probably not a sex god but I've had more than my fair share of women and know my way around the female body, and I KNOW she's having multiples. It's insulting, it's irritating, it makes me want to end sex at that moment and if I didn't have such an insatiable sexual appetite I would. I'm hit on frequently by women and have turned down numerous sexual requests and it burns me up that I have to when I have a wife at home who will YAWN during intercourse. I feel like I'm wasting my best physical years. Not to sound like an egotistical freak but I'm in excellent physical shape, I'm tall, I'm good looking, I'm in good health, and it feels like a waste. I feel like I'm going to look back 40 years down the road and think "wtf were you thinking?"...

 

She's gained 50lbs over the 5 years we've been together, most in the past couple. She constantly pisses and moans about her weight, degrades her current physical current state, and then takes no action to address it. I myself weight train 4-5x a week and hit cardio a few times as well. I eat healthy 90% of the time. She's no reason not to be eating well and working out with me, she just won't do it. She walks around naked constantly and I'm disgusted by her appearance. She makes no effort to get in shape. Every few months she renews her goal of getting fit and healthy and I encourage and aid in whatever way I can. I fill out her vitamin container for the week with vitamins and supplements, I cook her dinners, Ill throw snacks/lunch together for her work day, I ask her to train with me, I let her know what foods she should be eating.... She sticks to it for about 3 days, if that, then it's back to her steady diet of pizza and other junk foods. She has zero discipline and will power. I just can't wrap my head around this and it's getting to be a serious issue for me. Is this shallow? I bust my @ss to look good and stay healthy and I don't think it's an unreasonable request to ask the same of my mate. If this is the long haul I have no desire to be with someone who's setting themself up perfectly for diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, etc. I refuse to swallow that...

 

Babies. Babies. Babies. This is all I hear about anymore. Now that we're married it's imperative that we have children, right now, this instant. We're not financially set and I feel the relationship problems we haven't settled yet should be addressed before we would dive into having children. This is mostly the reason she even speaks of sex anymore, for the purpose of having children. I don't feel like a desired man she feels passionately for, I feel like a sperm dispenser. This also ties into her atrocious dietary habits, as when I have children I have every intention of teaching them healthy nutritional habits and she would be completely incapable of setting an example for them....

 

She doesn't clean, I carry 90% of the workload around the house and yard. And when she does "clean" she does an intentional half ass job so that I end up doing it all anyway. We have dogs, which she promised to care for if we got them, guess who bathes them and cleans up the copious amounts of excrement they produce? Her face is constantly glued to her smart phone or the television. She seems bored as well, I try to suggest new activities we can do together but she's never really interested. I ask her what she'd like to do, but doesn't seem to bother with producing any suggestions. It seems like we don't have much of anything in common and I find myself trying to recall what brought us together in the first place, if it was anything more than wanting a SO.

 

I'm bored, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm frustrated beyond words. There's more, but this should suffice. I feel like we have the same problems cycling over and over and no matter how many times we discuss them there's never any real change.

 

I feel like we both know it's over and I'm the one who's going to have to be the bad guy. The biggest thing keeping me from doing so thus far is that we've become quite co-dependent on one another and I worry about her coming home alone to an empty house, and it almost brings me to tears. I will bounce back from this, I can roll with the punches and move forward. I don't know if this will break her in a severe way and I guess that's why I haven't pulled the trigger.

 

Any advice, thoughts, opinions, insight would be greatly appreciated. I really just needed to dump this out and get some feedback. Thanks in advance

I guess I have to ask, how is it possible that the woman becomes a completely different person after you married her? You knew her for 3 years prior to marriage. Didn't you see any of these issues before marriage as far as her work ethic, her bad eating habits, her fatigue and low energy level? Awfully hard to change a person. You can't change a person, so you really have to stop trying, you're only going to drive yourself crazy. She is responsible for her weight, and she has to have the motivation to get things done around the house. Don't get into the position of being a nag--that's not going to help. You might want to try some marriage counseling to work on your sex life and sex incompatibility, but the other two things--poor work ethic and poor diet, are things only she can do something about. I can't believe you didn't see this before marrying her. If you did see it, and chose to ignore it or think you could change it, then you really kind of brought this onto yourself. Sorry, guy. I know it must be frustrating, but you are not a match. Shouldn't have married someone that is so different than you. But now that you did, you're kind of limited to what you can do, other than marriage counseling to try to work on the sexual incompatibility. By the way, you may want to look at the statistics on how often most married couples have sex. I think you'll be surprised. Two or three times a week is probably the norm for your age. But as far as the quality of sex, a marriage counselor might be able to make some suggestions on that to get her to take more of an interest and more of an effort.

[Tiberius]

You are not really married untill children are involved. Get out. The only reason its 2-3 times a week is because there are no babies.

 

These arent the 50s anymore. You shouldnt have to pay the way for your wife.

 

You 2 are not compatible. Get out while its easy.

Edited July 30, 2011 by Tiberius

[SoleMate]

Check out His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

 

I think pie2 gave some good advice. I also wonder the same as KathyM: Was she always this way, or did she change at some point? Age 24 is awfully young to be burned out on life and start getting fat and sloppy.

 

Every r/s takes some work, and it is also important to be able to recognize when the payback is fair and typical and when it's not. You make it sound like your M is completely one-sided. If that's true, and you seriously put that in front of her and ask for change, and she makes no move to change, then I do think that D should be on the table.

 

Last thought: Be extremely careful with birth control during this time, especially if she starts to understand your frustration. In fact, I might even consider not having procreative sex at all, if I were you. A little slipup, possibly intentional, could take your choices away from you.

[FSM]

I think it would be so admirable if the relationship with your wife didn't crumble into just another much-too-common divorce statistic. You seem to have so much will-power and discipline when it comes to fitness, nutrition and finance. But, at the end of your life, will those things really matter as much as being passionately committed to one of the most relationships and bonds you'll ever form?

 

IMO, your frustrations are completely valid. You're right - the inability to manage finances is hard to deal with. Not seeing eye-to-eye on physique is also probably very frustrating. Feeling pressure to have kids when you're not ready...that's a lot to take. Not to mention the lack of passion in bed. All of these are very understandable concerns.

 

I think you could improve your ability to encourage your wife to get on the same page as you. My advice is to spend the next three months dedicating to your wife the same effort and disipline you give to physical health and personal finance.

 

Counseling may be a good place to start.

 

But whether or not she's willing to go to counseling, why don't you spend the next month NOT getting on her case about any of the problems you currently have in the relationship. BUT, when you see her doing something positive (eating a salad, going for a walk, enjoying sex, etc.) just compliment her on it, and make sure she knows how much you appreciate it.

 

In other words...spend one month IGNORING the bad, and REWARDING the good!! You might see some real change in how she reacts to you.

 

Let me know if you think this is stupid advice

Incredibly stupid advice.

 

I have considered counseling, and may bring it up soon. I suppose I could attempt what you have suggested, though I feel like my attitude towards what she does doesn't have much bearing on how she acts. I could be wrong though.

[FSM]

I guess I have to ask, how is it possible that the woman becomes a completely different person after you married her? You knew her for 3 years prior to marriage. Didn't you see any of these issues before marriage as far as her work ethic, her bad eating habits, her fatigue and low energy level? Awfully hard to change a person. You can't change a person, so you really have to stop trying, you're only going to drive yourself crazy. She is responsible for her weight, and she has to have the motivation to get things done around the house. Don't get into the position of being a nag--that's not going to help. You might want to try some marriage counseling to work on your sex life and sex incompatibility, but the other two things--poor work ethic and poor diet, are things only she can do something about. I can't believe you didn't see this before marrying her. If you did see it, and chose to ignore it or think you could change it, then you really kind of brought this onto yourself. Sorry, guy. I know it must be frustrating, but you are not a match. Shouldn't have married someone that is so different than you. But now that you did, you're kind of limited to what you can do, other than marriage counseling to try to work on the sexual incompatibility. By the way, you may want to look at the statistics on how often most married couples have sex. I think you'll be surprised. Two or three times a week is probably the norm for your age. But as far as the quality of sex, a marriage counselor might be able to make some suggestions on that to get her to take more of an interest and more of an effort.

Well I will say that she did show signs of this in our first 3 years, but that they've spun wildly out of control the past two.

 

I also know how regularly married couples have sex. I suppose that it just seems worse to me because as you mentioned, the quality, is severely lacking. Again, I may seek counseling for us as a last ditch effort.

[FSM]

You are not really married untill children are involved. Get out. The only reason its 2-3 times a week is because there are no babies.

 

These arent the 50s anymore. You shouldnt have to pay the way for your wife.

 

You 2 are not compatible. Get out while its easy.

Thanks for your blunt and honest input.

[FSM]

Check out His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

 

I think pie2 gave some good advice. I also wonder the same as KathyM: Was she always this way, or did she change at some point? Age 24 is awfully young to be burned out on life and start getting fat and sloppy.

 

Every r/s takes some work, and it is also important to be able to recognize when the payback is fair and typical and when it's not. You make it sound like your M is completely one-sided. If that's true, and you seriously put that in front of her and ask for change, and she makes no move to change, then I do think that D should be on the table.

 

Last thought: Be extremely careful with birth control during this time, especially if she starts to understand your frustration. In fact, I might even consider not having procreative sex at all, if I were you. A little slipup, possibly intentional, could take your choices away from you.

Well like I said to Kathy, she had showed some signs of these before we married, but they only seem to have become more pronounced and increasingly worse in the past two years... I've seen that book recommended before I believe on this site and others, I'll have to give it a read.

 

I know she understands my frustration and more recently she's begun an even stronger push for children. Despite our problems and possible split, she wants desperately to conceive. I know she fully intends on trying to get pregnant and I'm taking a cautious approach. I do however participate in supplementation, let's say, "performance enhancers", which renders my testes useless for the time being and I have no intention of stopping as it's my only line of defense now against pregnancy.

[chiquita latina]

i think you should try counseling and if that doesnt work its maybe best that u move on and be the bigger person your still young and dont have kids yea it will hurt to let go but if she really wanted to contimue with u she would have taken action by now wish you th best of luck