To tell or not to tell

[Severely Unamused]

When are you going to tell your husband that you know?

 

I said around 2 weeks. Maybe 3. Shock and awe tactics. What I intend on doing next will really depend on what happens then.

 

I have a rather large advantage if we do decide to get a divorce. By the end of the week, my finances will covered. I can at least aim for 50/50 custody of our son. So basically, I'm just gathering information on both my husband and the OW and cleaning up loose ends, until then.

 

I'll admit that this all seems somewhat excessive. But if he doesn't decide to pull any trump cards, then I won't either. Hell, I might even consider reconciliation if he is willing to do the hard work. I know that I am.

 

One thing I've though about, is that he might know that I know what he is doing, with me thinking that he doesn't know what I know. If he knows that I don't know that he knows, well, that would be a darned shame. This is one good way to become paranoid.

[YellowShark]

Oh my, no. I'm trying to "understand" his thought processes to the best of my ability. I believe that he isn't in the best shape, on a psychological level. That doesn't mean that I am happy about what he is doing, nor do I think that it is a good idea.

 

There is no external issue in life that can excuse, or rationalize, your husband jumping into the arms and banging another woman. "My sister has cancer" does not equal "I will cheat on my wife." "It's been a rough year" also does not equal "I will cheat on my wife.";)

 

I have thought about this quite a lot. I'm still quite split between divorce and reconciliation.

 

A lot of it will depend on how my husband reacts.

 

If you stay with him, (and I am not saying don't stay with him,) you have a very tough road emotionally ahead. He will need to do a lot of heavy lifting to win your trust back. And the marriage you once had is over, it is dead. The gas tank that was once full of trust is now empty, and will have to be re-filled. The passion and emotion you both once had is gone, he directs it at another woman and you are shutting down emotionally towards him. It's going to take a bunch of work to repair all this damage, and it's going to take a long time until you can let go of his current on-going affair and trust him again. If ever.

Edited August 3, 2011 by YellowShark

[Spark1111]

Haha. Okay. Done.

 

To be honest, some of my husband's messages do seem overly melodramatic. He has never been much of a poet.

 

Personally, I find the "affair fog" idea tenuous at best. I understand the science. Oxytocin and the like, being continuously released by the brain. Comparable to a drug addiction. I also believe that he is filling up an emotional void inside of him by doing this, instead of talking to me about it so I can support him. That can also be quite addictive, I believe. We've had a rough year, with me being in and out of hospital, and his sister being diagnosed with cancer.

 

Even so, he knows exactly what he is doing. I can't kid myself there.

 

I doubt that I can expect a reasonable response when I talk to him about. Probably something about how "life isn't black and white" or "I was protecting you". Although, I would regain quite a lot of respect for him, if he decides to just be straight with me.

 

 

 

Do what I have to do. I'm not looking forward to this.

 

I have a question for you Spark. What was your experience, when you contacted the OW?

 

Well initially, before I garnered my Ph. D. in "affairology," , I kept throwing him out and telling him to go be with his "soulmate."

 

I was less upset that he had developed feelings for someone else, although hurtful, as I was that he had lied to me for so long and grew distant and blaming of me while in the affair!

 

No one was more stunned than I that it seemed to be the very last thing he wanted to do! So confusion set in, cuz I really loved the guy.

 

I told trusted friends and family, prepared for a quick divorce, talked kindly to my children of what I thought was the inevitable result, and left her totally alone.

 

Why? I really believed she would be in my children's life and just hoped she would treat them with kindness. My knee-jerk reaction, like most mothers, was to protect their relationship with their father.

 

So, many months later, when I did consent to giving reconciliation a shot, his "omissions" were driving me crazy. Plus, although in different offices NOW, there was a real chance we could bump into each other at a company event, and I wanted to bury any hatchets beforehand.

 

I left three kind messages stating that, about 9 months after DDAY, with my work schedule and the best times to reach me.

 

She never returned my phone calls, and while disappointed, I let it go.

 

Two years later, she boldly breaks NC by waltzing into his office and pushing every emotional trigger he could have. Bottom line: Let's re-kindle if you are so inclined. She also told him I was "vicious" on those messages.

 

Big mistake, as he had been standing next to me when I placed them.

 

I called her at work, where she couldn't dodge me, and I have a thread at LS regarding the call.

 

Needless to say, a crazy drama queen who portrays herself as the total victim. Hates me, him, and still, the world. But now that I am fully vested again in this relationship (amazing) and keeping my family safe, worth every bit of angst.

 

Why? She learned she was NOT superior to me; that I am not the little, inattentive wifey, and today, I think she realizes I am a force to be reckoned with.

 

All good....for the ego, IMO.

[Severely Unamused]

There is no external issue in life that can excuse, or rationalize, your husband jumping into the arms and banging another woman. "My sister has cancer" does not equal "I will cheat on my wife." "It's been a rough year" also does not equal "I will cheat on my wife.";)

No green lights from me, but I am looking for possible factors. He's a changed man.

 

If you stay with him, (and I am not saying don't stay with him,) you have a very tough road emotionally ahead...The gas tank that was once full of trust is now empty, and will have to be re-filled.

To put it dramatically, it's a road covered in shards of glass, and I'm already walking on it. Trust? That's the big one. I'm very careful as to who I open myself up to. While I won't beat him over the head with his actions, I certainly will be distrustful, for a time at least.

 

I was less upset that he had developed feelings for someone else, although hurtful, as I was that he had lied to me for so long and grew distant and blaming of me while in the affair!

Except for the blame shifting part, that's what I'm feeling. I can easily accept his rejection, and the physical aspect of what he is doing is survivable. But having somebody plot behind my back and lie to my face, hurts like hell. The cruel irony of what I'm doing to him, isn't lost to me.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience Spark. I plan on contacting the OW eventually. If she ignores me and scurries off, lies to me, or acts purposefully spiteful, I'll just take her less seriously than I already do. If I get a thoughtful and honest response, well, any added insights from her are useful.

 

I can tell you right now that if we do get a divorce, this OW damn well better be a good mother.

[Severely Unamused]

Whelp, if anyone cares, I've figured out what my intentions are.

 

I'll confront him in around one week. Separate for a time. Possibly discuss reconciliation if it's realistic at that point.

 

If we attempt reconciliation, I'll suggest marriage counseling for both of us. Therapy for him. I intend on being an open book, and I expect the same from him. I need him to improve his communication skills. Frankly, I don't know what he wants from me. If he can't do any of that, he can kindly FO.

 

If reconciliation ain't going to happen, I will aim for the cleanest divorce that I can muster, for the sake of myself, my husband, and our son. Hopefully my husband will do the same. If I am feeling particularly sadistic, I will tear both my husband and his OW, a new a-hole.

 

Any advice? Critiques? Anything that I am forgetting? This is a big step that I'm taking.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[John Michael Kane]

Whelp, if anyone cares, I've figured out what my intentions are.

 

I'll confront him in around one week. Separate for a time. Possibly discuss reconciliation if it's realistic at that point.

 

If we attempt reconciliation, I'll suggest marriage counseling for both of us. Therapy for him. I intend on being an open book, and I expect the same from him. I need him to improve his communication skills. Frankly, I don't know what he wants from me. If he can't do any of that, he can kindly FO.

 

If reconciliation ain't going to happen, I will aim for the cleanest divorce that I can muster, for the sake of myself, my husband, and our son. Hopefully my husband will do the same. If I am feeling particularly sadistic, I will tear both my husband and his OW, a new a-hole.

 

Any advice? Critiques? Anything that I am forgetting? This is a big step that I'm taking.

 

How about confronting him now, and divorcing him? You should not be wasting all of this money on biased "counseling." If he was remorseful, he would stop cheating and focus on you at this moment.

[Severely Unamused]

How about confronting him now, and divorcing him? You should not be wasting all of this money on biased "counseling." If he was remorseful, he would stop cheating and focus on you at this moment.

 

Pretty much this entire thread detailed my motivations for not confronting him immediately.

 

Wasting money on counseling? I suppose that it could easily be a waste of money. There's only one way to really find out.

 

I have no idea whether or not he is feeling any remorse right now. I suppose the "guilty look" is telling of something. Could be guilt, fear or something else. His messages have said he is remorseful, but they could just be lies, I guess.

 

In any case, I will most likely have to make the big decision for him, which is a shame.

[John Michael Kane]

Pretty much this entire thread detailed my motivations for not confronting him immediately.

 

Wasting money on counseling? I suppose that it could easily be a waste of money. There's only one way to really find out.

 

You already know it is a waste. Look at his recent behavior. Why spend money on someone of his caliber.

 

I have no idea

 

Oh yes you do.

 

You have more than enough evidence to tell he's unremorseful.

 

In any case, I will most likely have to make the big decision for him, which is a shame.

 

And that is where you will fall deeper into the abyss.

[Severely Unamused]

And that is where you will fall deeper into the abyss.

 

I didn't know that you had precognition.

[keepsmilin74]

Watching your thread, SU, I think you're doing great keeping yourself together. Wishing you goodluck and peace of mind, sooner the better.

[Severely Unamused]

Watching your thread, SU, I think you're doing great keeping yourself together. Wishing you goodluck and peace of mind, sooner the better.

 

Thank you smilin. I hope you are doing well.

 

On the "peace of mind" subject, my nerves have been killing me these past few days. I can accept the outcome of what I am going to do. It's the wait that gets to me.

 

It's a normal enough reaction right?

[John Michael Kane]

I didn't know that you had precognition.

 

It doesn't take rocket science to know that you'll be making a grave mistake choosing to stay with someone who is unremorseful.

[Severely Unamused]

It doesn't take rocket science to know that you'll be making a grave mistake choosing to stay with someone who is unremorseful.

 

Well, if he is unremorseful like you say, then I'll just move on with my life without him.

 

I already started that process since the day that I found out what he has been up to.

[John Michael Kane]

Well, if he is unremorseful like you say, then I'll just move on with my life without him.

 

Well from what you posted about him, wouldn't you agree that he is unremorseful?

 

I already started that process since the day that I found out what he has been up to.

 

So why deciding to spend money on someone who is unremorseful?

[Severely Unamused]

wouldn't you agree that he is unremorseful?

I'm not a mind reader, so I don't know. Frankly, I will have to observe his actions after the **** hits the fan, in order to give a more accurate answer to that. The one thing I can say for certain, is that his guilt is eating him up.

 

So why deciding to spend money on someone who is unremorseful?

That is only one option of many. I could just as easily decide not to spend anything. It will really depend on how I feel when the time comes.

 

In any case, even if the marriage fails, MC will provide a neutral environment where both of us can discuss our intentions and feelings, as well as where we want to go next. More information is good information.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not a mind reader, so I don't know. Frankly, I will have to observe his actions after the **** hits the fan, in order to give a more accurate answer to that. The one thing I can say for certain, is that his guilt is eating him up.

 

 

His recent actions should tell you exactly what he's about.

 

That is only one option of many. I could just as easily decide not to spend anything. It will really depend on how I feel when the time comes.

 

Okay. Just be mindful.

 

In any case, even if the marriage fails, MC will provide a neutral environment where both of us can discuss our intentions and feelings, as well as where we want to go next. More information is good information.

 

......

[Severely Unamused]

His recent actions should tell you exactly what he's about.

 

I have taken his actions into consideration, and they will certainly play a large role when it comes to my future decision making.

[Severely Unamused]

So, for reasons that are out of my hands, I will have to confront him on the 10th. Doing so directly in the middle of the week wasn't my initial plan, but alas.

 

So, before I make the big leap into sh*tville, is there anything else that you guys n' gals can provide?

 

This is a very helpful site btw. Nice people for the most part.

[woinlove]

So, for reasons that are out of my hands, I will have to confront him on the 10th. Doing so directly in the middle of the week wasn't my initial plan, but alas.

 

So, before I make the big leap into sh*tville, is there anything else that you guys n' gals can provide?

 

This is a very helpful site btw. Nice people for the most part.

 

I don't have the direct experience to be able to offer much advice, just wanted to wish you luck, as I'm struck by how together you seem. You say your nerves have been killing you, but you come across as trying to deal with this as thoughtfully and logically as possible.

 

From what I've heard/read, it seems that almost all WS continue to lie on d-day and beyond, sometimes even when presented with hard evidence (perhaps irrationally or perhaps try to to get you to think you are crazy) and certainly when there is no hard evidence. The lies may even go along with what looks like remorse and begging for forgiveness.

[Severely Unamused]

I don't have the direct experience to be able to offer much advice, just wanted to wish you luck, as I'm struck by how together you seem. You say your nerves have been killing you, but you come across as trying to deal with this as thoughtfully and logically as possible.

 

From what I've heard/read, it seems that almost all WS continue to lie on d-day and beyond, sometimes even when presented with hard evidence (perhaps irrationally or perhaps try to to get you to think you are crazy) and certainly when there is no hard evidence. The lies may even go along with what looks like remorse and begging for forgiveness.

 

Thank you.

 

I did mention before that my parents were abusive. So I suppose you could say that I'm used to people letting me down, and that I know how to react accordingly.

 

Pretty much every lie that my husband feels the need to say, will decrease the chance of reconciliation.

[seren]

SU, I have only just read your thread and it sounds like you are planning D Day, well just like that only without the Normandy landings. Be prepared for it not to go as you might think. No amount of planning can prepare you for when the s*** actually hits the fan, simply because there are feelings involved, and nothing you have experienced can prepare you for the emotional stuff, sorry if I am stating the bleeding obvious. My questions for you to ask yourself would be: Do I love this man enough to work at reconciliation, to try to pick up the pieces after the fallout and still be able to respect him (not the A) and love him? When my H told me I felt as though the world had stopped and yet looking at him sat on our sofa so broken just tore my heart to bits because I knew he had F'ed up, he knew he had F'ed up and my overwhelming feelings were of sorrow mingled with a massive amount of anger. So much so I had to ask him to leave the house for a few hours while I calmed down.

 

When he was gone, I hit the gin and coldly looked at next steps, like you I didn't need my H for anything practical, however, I needed him because I loved him, no A could stop that or take that from me. Had we split up, I would still have loved him. TBH I don't know how you have managed to not say anything, it would have made the top of my head blow off. Was your marriage strong before the A? It will need to be made of strong stuff to cope with reconciliation, it isn't easy but it is possible. If there is nothing left then of course you have a plan for D.

 

Be prepared for much lying, or lying by ommission or even the dreaded trickle truth. Mine did that and when 3 months later he told me all because he felt he wasn't being honest, it set it all back to day one. It is almost 4 years now, it has been hard, I would be a liar if I said the A doesn't flit around my head, but it doesn't define our marriage and when I think of it now I just think what a dammed shame we couldn't be where we are without that as part of our history. When I heard some of the details of the A I just think how shabby it all was. H still shows remorse, I just want him to feel good about the man he is.

 

The OW was truthful and we spoke, but later was a total pain in the a*** I didn't want to bury her for the A, but I sure did for the way she acted further down the line. TBH, she meant and means so very little to me, she could have been anyone and the A bore very little resemblance to what he have or had. Everyone is different, of course, and each situation different. It can work, it is hard, it breaks your heart and at times it drives you insane, without you both working on it, it simply will not work. I shall be thinking of you on the 10th and hope it all goes the way you want it to. Take care, Seren.

[Severely Unamused]

Thanks for the thoughts Saren.

 

I like to plan ahead. It's just who am. But you are right, I don't know what will happen when push comes to shove.

 

Do I love this man enough to work at reconciliation, to try to pick up the pieces after the fallout and still be able to respect him (not the A) and love him?

I don't think that love is the problem. I still love him. I'm finding it hard to respect and trust him at the moment. That is something that will make reconciliation difficult, if not impossible for me.

 

TBH I don't know how you have managed to not say anything

I'm too disappointed to be angry anymore. The tranquil fury is gone. Also, a lot of self-control.

 

Was your marriage strong before the A?

That's what I've been asking myself. The answer is no.

 

After my husband's sister was diagnosed with cancer, he basically surrounded himself with an emotional bastion. He said that he wanted some space, so I complied. Big mistake.

 

Then there was the car accident that caused my arm to turn into a puddle of mush. So I've been in and out of hospital for the past few months. The fact that my arm felt like it was being stabbed with a thousand needles covered in chili pepper, did make conventional sex somewhat difficult. I still helped with his..."release" so I don't think that it is the physical aspect of sex that he misses. Perhaps it is the emotional intimacy. Not too sure, he hasn't said anything.

 

I doubt that I am perfect, but he isn't one to critique, so I don't know what to say there.

 

In any case, I'll be taking a break from LS for around a week. Real life matters and all. Very therapeutic over here.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[mzdolphin]

I don't have the direct experience to be able to offer much advice, just wanted to wish you luck, as I'm struck by how together you seem. You say your nerves have been killing you, but you come across as trying to deal with this as thoughtfully and logically as possible.

 

From what I've heard/read, it seems that almost all WS continue to lie on d-day and beyond, sometimes even when presented with hard evidence (perhaps irrationally or perhaps try to to get you to think you are crazy) and certainly when there is no hard evidence. The lies may even go along with what looks like remorse and begging for forgiveness.

 

Yep, they do. Dealing with one in which I told the wife myself what was going on. (He was lying that he was divorced. I discovered the truth). I don't know what he told her, but within two months he was calling and begging again. Still stays in touch with claims of love. I feel no need to inform her again because she never contacted me so I think she is ok with him cheating or doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

 

As for him, it bugs him that I precede his name with Lying, Scheming, Cheating on his wife *****. I started using that term with my girlfriend. It helps me to never forget exactly who I'm dealing with. Try it, it's really fun.

[Severely Unamused]

As for him, it bugs him that I precede his name with Lying, Scheming, Cheating on his wife *****. I started using that term with my girlfriend. It helps me to never forget exactly who I'm dealing with. Try it, it's really fun.

I'll keep it in mind.

 

don't be on the fence just jump to straight divorce don't take him back you seem like a strong willed person keep it that way. Clean him for anything that he has thats karma.

Perhaps I will do that. I'm sure that my feelings will become clearer with time.

 

Anyway, todays the day. Work ends in 7 hours. If anyone has any final nuggets of advice, now would appreciated.

[Kidd]

Reconciliation is possible. Every situation is different so I can't speak to yours. I won't relay my whole story except to say that my W had a 13 mo EA & PA...about 30 hotel stays. We've been together 17 years and have 2 young children. I was astonished and devastated; our marriage wasn't bad. Seemed completely unforgivable. But I found myself consoling her on Dday. That was weird. The A stopped on a dime and she's done everything possible since to rectify while carrying an enormous amount of guilt. I became more worried about her mental state than my own (which seemed impossible).

 

It's "only" been 3 months (infancy as far as most are concerned) but I don't hesitate to say that we're reconciled. I've had to suffer the cuckold and doormat comments incessantly. But in the end, I still know my W better than anyone. I know her better than herself at the moment. I have a PhD in this crap now. I love her and she loves me. I hate that this will be a part of our history. It's not fair and it's not justified but it will no longer define her or me or our marriage.

 

But it took (and will continue to take) an immense amount of work on her part. I've been in the driver's seat for a few months now but the truth is that the success of our R has been entirely in her hands. She's been sufficiently remorseful, affectionate, patient with my outbursts, proactive, and so forth to make the recovery possible. I'm proud that I gave my W and M a legitimate second chance because I love her and I could see a better future, and in turn, she is inspired to repay me in kind.

 

Maybe your H will react this way, maybe not. I just wanted to say that even in light of what appear to be impossible circumstances, it is possible. I think the key is that you both have to believe it is possible. He has to be remorseful and (eventually), you have to be forgiving (or the M isn't worth having).

 

Many people here will be understandably skeptical of giving any grace to the WS. That's their prerogitive and all of us are colored by our personal experience. Make your own assessment.

 

Just my humble opinion. Best of luck tonight. Please come back and post. I've had the 10th in my mind for a while now. I hope he does the right thing.