To tell or not to tell

[Severely Unamused]

To cut a long story short, last month one of my sisters told me that my husband was having an affair. Did some rummaging around, and lo and behold, my sister was telling the truth.

 

From what I gather, this has been going on for around four months. Possibly longer.

 

The gist of his messages to his OW are that he is "doesn't know where he wants to be in his life" and is "filled with guilt". Great, maybe he should be telling me this.

 

The one that got to me was that "It's going to be hard to tell (me) because it would hurt her feelings and complicate things between all of us". He's wrong about the former part, hurt feelings are the last thing on my mind, and I certainly don't want his protection from "the truth". He's right about the latter part, I intend to make things complicated for both of them.

 

So he doesn't know that I know. How do I handle this? Sooner or later? I can either expect him to be honest about it, or lie his head off. Any advice if he does decide to lie? I'm not really in the mood for any verbal diarrhea from him.

 

Anything I should do first? I'm planning on protecting my finances since I'm the primary breadwinner and he is the SAHD. Anything beyond that?

 

I'm on the fence about divorce and reconciliation. It'll depend on his reaction.

[jnj express]

What ever you do, when you do it, and no matter which way you go R or D---be HARD AS NAILS about what he has done---do not allow, any rugsweeping, and you DO NOT BACK OFF, OR GET EMOTIONAL

 

Do put all finances in your name only, also cancel his CC's

 

If you wanna stay---give him some boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences, that you will take action on---no talk---there must be ACTION---Also MAKE him sign a POST--NUP with a DURESS clause, he does not get to discuss, or argue about any of this---you tell him this is the way it is, and if he doesn't like it---then he can get the he*l out right NOW.

 

--he has to respect you---right now, no matter what he says---he thinks little or nothing of you.

 

You also do not wanna be a parole officer the rest of your life---so you need to let him know that if anything, ANYTHING out of the ordinary occurs from now on D is immediately on the table

 

Remember you must be hard, cold, calm, and allow him to say nothing---he listens--it is strictly your ballgame!!!!!!!

[Severely Unamused]

be HARD AS NAILS about what he has done---do not allow, any rugsweeping, and you DO NOT BACK OFF, OR GET EMOTIONAL

Yes. Naturally.

 

Do put all finances in your name only, also cancel his CC's

I plan on doing this. My problem is that that my husband is quite financially savvy. He's got the mind of an accountant.

 

If you wanna stay---give him some boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences, that you will take action on---no talk---there must be ACTION---Also MAKE him sign a POST--NUP with a DURESS clause, he does not get to discuss, or argue about any of this---you tell him this is the way it is, and if he doesn't like it---then he can get the he*l out right NOW.

Well, I'll find out what happens when I tell him that I know. I'm in no rush at the moment.

 

You also do not wanna be a parole officer the rest of your life---so you need to let him know that if anything, ANYTHING out of the ordinary occurs from now on D is immediately on the table

No kidding. I'd rather not have to babysit this guy for the rest of our relationship. Whether we last another 30 years, or another 30 days.

[Bryanp]

If the OW has a husband or boyfriend, you need to expose this affair to them. In addition, you should get tested for STD's.

[YellowShark]

1) Protect your finances BEFORE you play your card.

 

2) Since he's been cheating for over 4 months I don't think he is that wracked with guilt. Really I don't.

 

3) Don't make it your mission to "make it complicated" for them, that's such a waste of your time. Black hole them and move on. Once you have protected your finances then tell him you know about the OW and it's time to have a little separation time. (During that separation then decide if a divorce is warranted.)

 

4) And yes, if he "doesn't know where he wants to be in his life" then as your husband he should have communicated this with you FIRST to try to figure it out... not run into the arms of another woman and thrown you under a bus.

 

As a former BS I have learned a few things, having an affair is not a healthy, mature answer to marital issues. Communication is. If you give a cheater a 'get out of jail free card' they will see it as weakness on your part, and they will simply cheat on you again down the road when the mood strikes them. (..because they think that you will give them another break if they cheat.)

 

I would say to him go be with the other woman if you want... obviously I am not good enough for you. Tell them you expect the person who has the key to your heart to have morals, ethics, and class.. someone you can totally count on when the chips are down. Not someone who will throw you, and your marriage, under a bus when they are feeling "conflicted."

Edited July 30, 2011 by YellowShark

[Severely Unamused]

If the OW has a husband or boyfriend, you need to expose this affair to them. In addition, you should get tested for STD's.

From what I have gathered through my snooping, she's a single mother. No partner other than my husband. I believe that her child goes to the same school that our own son does.

 

An STD check? I've booked an appointment. Suffice it to say that after just coming out of hospital, this is the last thing I need right now.

 

To Yellowshark:

 

1) That's the plan. The logic that both my husband and his OW have decided to use on me, just so happens to go both ways.

2) Not so sure. He's been giving me an uncomfortable "look" for the past few months. Acting more emotionally reserved than usual. Could be guilt or it could be something else.

3) I don't plan on being vindictive. The path that I'm going to go on will inevitably become complicated though.

4) I should've read his extremely subtle body language and figured things out for him right?

 

I would say to him go be with the other woman if you want... obviously I am not good enough for you.

Hey, if he wants to run off and play games with her, I'm not in the mood to stop him.

 

I'm certainly not going to play the passive role, if push comes to shove.

[YellowShark]

Not so sure. He's been giving me an uncomfortable "look" for the past few months. Acting more emotionally reserved than usual. Could be guilt or it could be something else.

 

The emotion and passion that was once reserved for you is being directed at the OW. That is why he has been "more emotionally reserved than usual." And the affair hasn't ended on his own accord, that is what true remorse or feelings of guilt would do to a person, instead the "uncomfortable look for the past few months" is just his body language that he doesn't know what you know, so he is scared. And he should be.

 

Hey, if he wants to run off and play games with her, I'm not in the mood to stop him. I'm certainly not going to play the passive role, if push comes to shove.

 

You don't have to be passive at all, just don't waste your precious time in useless games against him and the OW. It will only make him - (and the OW) - validate that "you are a cruel bitch" after all. That is how they will perceive it. Instead, hold your head high, show him he lost a woman of class and substance, and let him walk this path he's chosen alone.

[Spark1111]

SU, here are some things to thinks of....

 

Make sure you have fail-safe proof when you do confront. Cheaters lie, omit, and minimize when caught, saying..."just a friend," or "Nothing happened," or, "someone to talk to."

 

You really want conclusive evidence that cannot be denied. I went into sweet and trusting mode while I gathered all the evidence: Cell phone records, emails, bank statements, cash withdrawals, etc. before I confronted my fWS.

 

He STILL tried to minimize it.

 

I also learned everything I could about the OW. While I did not contact her for a very long time, I wanted all the info I could gather on her.

 

Generally after DDAY, the WS is very foggy. Mine begged me to reconcile while still in contact with her. I think he wanted to keep her as Plan B in the event I did divorce him.

 

So get all the info, confront calmly so you cannot be gaslighted, have a plan in place for him, for you, and for your future should he leave to be with her.

 

You sound strong and sure. I think you will be fine.

[Severely Unamused]

The emotion and passion that was once reserved for you is being directed at the OW. That is why he has been "more emotionally reserved than usual." And the affair hasn't ended on his own accord, that is what true remorse or feelings of guilt would do to a person, instead the "uncomfortable look for the past few months" is just his body language that he doesn't know what you know, so he is scared. And he should be.

I would like to hope that there is more to him than that.

 

Make sure you have fail-safe proof when you do confront. Cheaters lie, omit, and minimize when caught, saying..."just a friend," or "Nothing happened," or, "someone to talk to."

 

You really want conclusive evidence that cannot be denied. I went into sweet and trusting mode while I gathered all the evidence: Cell phone records, emails, bank statements, cash withdrawals, etc. before I confronted my fWS.

 

He STILL tried to minimize it.

I'll play detective for as long as I need to. Spark, I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that having somebody lie to my face, and treat me like a clown, is not something that I appreciate in a partner. He's covering his bases, and I will reciprocate accordingly.

 

I also learned everything I could about the OW. While I did not contact her for a very long time, I wanted all the info I could gather on her.

Oh, there's quite a lot to learn. Edited July 30, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Severely Unamused]

Oh, another question I forgot to bring up. What methods would you recommend for gathering information on the OW, Spark? Anyone else?

 

If she's the bunny boiler type, or has an unpleasant reputation, I'd like to know before I open Pandora's Box.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[YellowShark]

I would like to hope that there is more to him than that.

 

Why? He's just a human being like all of us. Except he is a human being who has made a really bad choice is life... which he is keeping a secret from you. An affair is a big deal, takes a lot of energy to keep it going, so it reflects in his behavior. He is not a sociopath. A sociopath would show no changes. You are simply picking up these new changes in his behavior.

 

Oh, another question I forgot to bring up. What methods would you recommend for gathering information on the OW, Spark? Anyone else? If she's the bunny boiler type, or has an unpleasant reputation, I'd like to know before I open Pandora's Box.

 

The only sure fire way to do it properly is hire a PI. A certified professional one knows what to do, and how to do it, without any risk to you. They can find out all about your husbands mistress.

[Severely Unamused]

The only sure fire way to do it properly is hire a PI. A certified professional one knows what to do, and how to do it, without any risk to you. They can find out all about your husbands mistress.

A PI? Thinking about it. It's a lot of cash to shell out though.

 

Especially since I'd be able to do the same thing for free just by myself. I suppose it's riskier that way, though.

[Severely Unamused]

While I agree with Spark on most of what she says here, personally I didn't feel any need to learn anything about my exH's OWomen, the fact they had slept with my husband knowing he was married was all I needed to know.

 

As far as the fact finding about the affair goes, again, I didn't feel I needed to prove to my husband that he was having sex outside our marriage. As far as I was concerned, I had enough proof through emails and a MSN conversation with one of his OW. Infact, I felt that by showing him my proof allowed him the opportunity to explain it away and it would also show him what ammunition I had - I wasn't prepared to allow him the slightest edge over me. I kept him in the dark nearly as much as he had kept me.

 

I appreciate this.

 

If the OW is the type to go crazy nutso and pull a B&E on us at 3am, or enter a destructive suicidal stupor, I'd like to know before I agitate her.

 

I have enough proof of the affair. Right now I'm protecting my ass(ets) and talking with my divorce lawyer, just in case my Dear and Loving Husband has any trump cards that he would like to utilise. In 2 weeks, I'll be relatively more transparent to him, and move things along. If he decides to confess during those 2 weeks, I'll play nicer.

 

It's a shame that this is how he intended to handle his personal crisis. There were certainly easier ways, that wouldn't have involved lying or sneaking around like a twit. Talking to me about it would've worked in his favour.

[Severely Unamused]

Ok, right, I get that. But why do you need to agitate her? Or rather, what will you do to agitate her? And is it necessary?

I doubt that she will be in a good mood when things start falling apart. That's what I'm thinking about. What I would guess, is that she will either act extremely confrontational towards me (in which case, a restraining order is in order), or run off and hide until my husband makes contact with her.

 

Since you bring this up, and without giving away too much personal information as to where I live, I've studied up. It is quite possible for me to sue her, drag her into court as a character witness, or humiliate her entirely through legal means, if I felt the need to be sadistic. Will I go after her? Probably not. She isn't worth the time and I'm not in the mood for anything like that. I just want to keep my options open.

 

And how about if he realises the extent of the repercussions for what he's done? If he wants to reconcile?

Then I will expect him to lay all of his cards on the table. I'll tell him that I acted like a pragmatic female dog.

 

Whether or not I decide to reconcile, I'll probably suggest some nice long afternoon chats. Although I think that I have some idea already, I'd like to know exactly what he is feeling, and why he decided to do all of this.

 

I plan on suggesting separation for us. This will give us time to articulate our thoughts. From what I gather, it sounds like he needs some time alone to "find himself". Of course, his time alone will probably involve porking his OW. What a bloody tragedy that is for me!

 

I'm on the fence about reconciliation. I really don't know what I feel.

Edited August 1, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Severely Unamused]

Ok, I honestly don't think anything you discover about her will help you in dealing with any fallout she tries to bring to the table. I doubt she will be confrontational with you - she has no leg to stand on and no reason to - what is she going to be angry about? The fact you're married to the man she's been boinking? But more relevantly, I think situations like this are unique and people react in very different ways to how may be we'd expect them to, however well we know them.

In your experience, you didn't bother with your ex's OW. Many BWs don't. That's perfectly fine. Whatever works best for you, and them.

 

But me? I've always followed the "plan for the worst and hope for the best" mantra. I just want to have as much of an idea of who I'm dealing with, as I can. No, I don't intend to break into her house and rustle through her childhood photo albums. Just a basic skim through of what I can get, is enough for me. It's better than nothing, considering how very ugly these situations can get. Preparation for a worst case scenario.

 

If she leaves me alone, then neither of us have anything to worry about.

 

I wasn't aware I was 'bringing anything up', and as it sounds like you're pissed about that, I apologise. But ok, I can't criticise or advise against wanting to keep your options open. If the evidence you have already proves they were having an affair, isn't that enough? I'm not sure what other information you need about her to sue her etc.

I'm not angry with you at all, turnstone. You're just trying to provide some advice, which is admirable enough. I probably won't bother with the OW. It's just an idea.

 

If you don't mind me saying so, I think you have a way to go with your emotions about this. You seem angry but not sad, which I find........ well, unusual. Could you spell out to me exactly what you want from LS?

I suppose that I find it difficult to convey emotions through text. Yes, I have a very long way to go. That is something that I have accepted.

 

I'm slightly angry. It's more of a tranquil rage if anything. I realise that I don't sound sad to you. I am, you know. I'm going to pull the rough childhood card here. Having my trust broken by my husband and seeing him act in a way that is contrary to his character, is much worse then anything like that. The difference between my parents and my husband, is that I know that my parents were abusive jerks. What I am feeling now, is a myriad of emotions.

 

But I have son that is counting on me to be a good mother, and I have a job that I can't afford to do poorely in. I can either dwell in my angst and misery, or be proactive about what I am going to do to proceed forward. I've chosen the latter.

 

I did ask some questions as to what I wanted from LS, in my first post. They were answered, which is something that I appreciate.

 

I suppose I don't really need too much support. Any advice that anybody here can give me, would be appreciated. Also, I find LS to be quite cathartic.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Anything I should do first? I'm planning on protecting my finances since I'm the primary breadwinner and he is the SAHD. Anything beyond that?

 

I'm on the fence about divorce and reconciliation. It'll depend on his reaction.

 

How on earth do you plan to "protect your finances"?

 

You are required to help him pay for an attorney who will take your ovaries if you lock him out financially. Basically, since you are the one earning... you are screwed. Reconcile and convince him to get a job.... then divorce... if your set on ending it.

 

Unless you live in a very conservative area... then you are likely to do much better, they may even take the affair into consideration.

[reboot]

As far as finances, you need to consult an attorney. Do not depend on what people here tell you.

[Spark1111]

Hmm...they worked together in a very conservative industry where the affair could have caused either one their job. How careless! Whether I divorced or reconciled, the height of selfishness in the risks they took with the livelihood that supported our children told me how lunatic affairs are!

 

Reverse email and cell phone searches available on-line for little money. GPS tracking device on his car. Install a keylogger on his computer. Check the computer history. An inexpensive voice-activated recorder under the front car seat can alert you to the next meet-up.Take a day off from work and snap your own damn pictures.

 

It woke him and her up big time, when I had irrefutable evidence. It burst their fantasy bubble. It was well-worth it, IMO.

 

With everyone now on the same page, decisions could be made.

[silktricks]

Hmm...they worked together in a very conservative industry where the affair could have caused either one their job. How careless! Whether I divorced or reconciled, the height of selfishness in the risks they took with the livelihood that supported our children told me how lunatic affairs are!

 

Reverse email and cell phone searches available on-line for little money. GPS tracking device on his car. Install a keylogger on his computer. Check the computer history. An inexpensive voice-activated recorder under the front car seat can alert you to the next meet-up.Take a day off from work and snap your own damn pictures.

 

It woke him and her up big time, when I had irrefutable evidence. It burst their fantasy bubble. It was well-worth it, IMO.

 

With everyone now on the same page, decisions could be made.

Be careful about the keylogger - especially if it is HIS computer. If it's a family computer that you share, that's one thing. If it's HIS - there are some pretty sticky laws in some states. Check before installation is a good motto to have.

[Severely Unamused]

How on earth do you plan to "protect your finances"?

Through unethical means. Entirely legal, but quite unethical. Obviously I will still end up hemorrhaging money if the divorce does happen, but I can at least protect some of it.

 

Unless you live in a very conservative area... then you are likely to do much better, they may even take the affair into consideration.

I do live in a very conservative area, which is probably the only reason why I would even have the opportunity to yank both my husband and the OW around, if I became desperate. Hopefully it won't come to that.

 

As far as finances, you need to consult an attorney. Do not depend on what people here tell you.

Already doing that. Some supplementary advice couldn't hurt right reboot?

 

Reverse email and cell phone searches available on-line for little money. GPS tracking device on his car. Install a keylogger on his computer. Check the computer history. An inexpensive voice-activated recorder under the front car seat can alert you to the next meet-up.Take a day off from work and snap your own damn pictures.

Yeah, I guess that there is no need for a PI, when I'm willing to get my own hands dirty. Appreciated.

 

Be careful about the keylogger - especially if it is HIS computer. If it's a family computer that you share, that's one thing. If it's HIS - there are some pretty sticky laws in some states. Check before installation is a good motto to have.

It's all on his own laptop. Where I live, it would be illegal to explicitly install keylogging hardware and software without my husband's consent.

 

There are legal greyzones in this area though. Hiding it as a third party program or indirectly installing it onto his laptop is not illegal, although it is again, unethical. Since the law is quite finicky on this subject, I don't think that a keylogger would be a good idea.

 

To be honest, I feel pretty bad about doing this to him. I can understand the "having an affair, but having your conscience eat you up" viewpoint.

[Spark1111]

nah, don't feel bad. My fWs and his angst was a very dramatic way to keep his OW feeling sorry for him and allowing him to not commit to her permanently as in...a REAL relationship.

 

Personally, I think it is part of the affair "fog" and the over-the-top drama allows them to feel more alive, IMO. It keeps the intensity ratcheted up several notches.

 

When confronted by me, he actually grew somewhat angry, as if I had interrupted his playtime by actually forcing the truth of the situation upon him.

 

He continued to soak every last vestige of sympathy from his fOW as he valiantly portrayed himself as trying to save his marriage and meeting with "unwavering hostility." HAHAHA! I wasn't trying to reconcile at all.

 

But whatever works, I guess. And, despite his protestations of wanting to reconcile, he still kept in touch with her in the event I did divorce him, she would allow him to stay there.

 

So whatever works. whatever works, SU, to force an honest dialogue. Not easy on DDAY. hell, I didn't believe a word he said for months. It took THAT LONG for something resembling truth to come out of his mouth.

[Severely Unamused]

nah, don't feel bad.

Haha. Okay. Done.

 

My fWs and his angst was a very dramatic way to keep his OW feeling sorry for him and allowing him to not commit to her permanently as in...a REAL relationship.

To be honest, some of my husband's messages do seem overly melodramatic. He has never been much of a poet.

 

I think it is part of the affair "fog" and the over-the-top drama allows them to feel more alive

Personally, I find the "affair fog" idea tenuous at best. I understand the science. Oxytocin and the like, being continuously released by the brain. Comparable to a drug addiction. I also believe that he is filling up an emotional void inside of him by doing this, instead of talking to me about it so I can support him. That can also be quite addictive, I believe. We've had a rough year, with me being in and out of hospital, and his sister being diagnosed with cancer.

 

Even so, he knows exactly what he is doing. I can't kid myself there.

 

When confronted by me, he actually grew somewhat angry, as if I had interrupted his playtime by actually forcing the truth of the situation upon him.

I doubt that I can expect a reasonable response when I talk to him about. Probably something about how "life isn't black and white" or "I was protecting you". Although, I would regain quite a lot of respect for him, if he decides to just be straight with me.

 

So whatever works. whatever works, SU, to force an honest dialogue. Not easy on DDAY.

 

Do what I have to do. I'm not looking forward to this.

 

I have a question for you Spark. What was your experience, when you contacted the OW?

[Mimolicious]

Unfortunately, you wont know what/who you are going to be dealing with till you cross the bridge. The OW may be a nutjob or a meek chick.

 

If you know her full name, why not google her? Look her up on FB, etc... People nowadays post so much ish about their personal life online.

 

But why so calculating? Seems like you have checked out of your marriage before even discovering the A. You sound very disconnected. No pun intended.

 

Depending on the the state that you live at, don't think that your H is going to wipe you out either. It doesn't work just one way. You have proof that he's been cheating, you are going to need those, so save the files, messages, photo, etc.

 

Wait, if I am readign correctly... you said that you "understand the affair"? I see that you mentioned that his sister has cancer and that it's been a rough year and why not. I mean, shyte! I don't get it, people have enough issues in their lives, are going through rough times and yet they run to "cheating". What is that supposed to fix? SMH. You are very understanding. God bless your heart.

 

I don't get a clear picture of what it is that YOU really want to do. What is it that YOU want?

[Severely Unamused]

The OW may be a nutjob or a meek chick.

A meek chick, I wouldn't mind. But I would prefer it if she didn't burst into my house and repeatedly stab my husband in the face.

 

You are correct though, I'll never really know what will happen, until that line is crossed.

 

But why so calculating? Seems like you have checked out of your marriage before even discovering the A. You sound very disconnected.

Why am I so calculating and disconnected? Because the alternative isn't going to help anybody (except for my husband and his OW) right now. I'm not a fan of emotional masochism.

 

Honestly, I believe that I was invested into both the marriage and my husband, before this discovery. Hence, my surprise when my sister discovered his actions. Unlike me, she was never really close to him. I suppose if we do decide to go to MC, greater clarity for both of us might be achieved. Hell, even having my husband open up to me during breakfast, would reduce a lot of stress.

 

Wait, if I am readign correctly... you said that you "understand the affair"? I see that you mentioned that his sister has cancer and that it's been a rough year and why not. I mean, shyte! I don't get it, people have enough issues in their lives, are going through rough times and yet they run to "cheating". What is that supposed to fix? SMH. You are very understanding. God bless your heart.

Oh my, no. I'm trying to "understand" his thought processes to the best of my ability. I believe that he isn't in the best shape, on a psychological level. That doesn't mean that I am happy about what he is doing, nor do I think that it is a good idea.

 

I don't get a clear picture of what it is that YOU really want to do. What is it that YOU want?

I have thought about this quite a lot. I'm still quite split between divorce and reconciliation.

 

A lot of it will depend on how my husband reacts.

[Wandaland]

When are you going to tell your husband that you know?