Would you try harder?

[OMG_did_I]

Hello all, I have been reading your posts on LoveShack for a few weeks, and felt it was time to jump in.

 

I have some experience with infidelty on each level.

 

I believe that while I was involved in my 18+ yr common law relationship with my high school sweetheart, Father of my children, that I was a BS. He denies it to date, but I have reasonable doubt. I had to make a decision at that time in our relationship... what was I going to do? I chose to work on the relationship, and I moved forward believing that he had an experience outside of our relationship. Although it will sound naive to many other BS... is a phyisical relationship really considered "THAAT" intimidating? I accepted and moved forward. Never had reason to believe it happened again.

 

Toward the end of this LTR, I became emotionally distracted by someone from my past that I never felt I was interested in... it sort of snuck up on me, and only when I was distracted did I start to see some things more clearly in my own relationship.... maybe we weren't perfect? Oh, man!

I started an emotional relationship with someone while I thought I was a fully happy woman. I was not prepared for the tumble. It became physical... our worlds collided, my life changed forever. I was now a WS for the first time.

 

During a time that I was single, I found dodging advances from men was a common occurence. I work in a male-dominated field, and I am asked regularly "...Why on earth are you single?" I did not have any connection / heat / interest in anyone. I have plenty of male friends. I met a friend of a friend. There was an immediate attraction that was felt between us, and was also obvious to the people present at the time.

 

We chatted, had wonderful chemistry.... undeniable magnetism. He was married. He was away from his family due to a work-move... W and children would be joining him in this new city in 3 months. Our friendship continued, and progressed. We began an affair. This was my only experience as OW.(The single girl who didn't give anyone the time of day, was sneaking around with a married man!) WILD!!

 

So... I get it... I have read, talked and shared with friends who have had experience in these situations, and my position is this:

 

I don't think "happy" people cheat.

---> I think there are un-met needs that contribute to the wander

 

I think that (some) people DON'T take their relationship seriously enough. We are adults, and this is voluntary. If you don't look the same, act the same, make ME feel the same... why would you be surprised if other things changed?

---> I think it's our duty to attempt to make our partner / spouse feel satisified in all areas, to meet all their needs. If we fail at a certain task... should (s)he live without that need being met?

 

Would you try harder to keep your partner's needs met if they were "allowed" to have their unmet needs, met somewhere else?

 

i.e. Your spouse isn't very emotional, and your feelings are hurt... should you be able to talk to someone else to have your need to be comforted met?

 

Same could be said for ALL areas that are not being fulfilled.

Why would we accept a relationship that came with limitations?

 

Maybe the way our society is evolving, we need more than one person to complete all of our needs. If you thought that you were falling short in one or more areas of your spouses needs, and the chance of someone filling that particular need better than you can was real.... Would you try harder?

 

Looking forward to your views.

[alexandria35]

Well personally I feel that it is a spoiled and immature person who believes that all of their needs must be met at all times. Sometimes we need to put what we think we need on the back burner for the greater good or for better rewards. I know that it is unlikely that I will find someone who meets all of my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs and I also know it is unlikely that I would be able to meet somebody elses needs 100%. Therefore it is a compromise and all relationships have compromises. I also think that it is okay to get your needs met by others so long as there is no deception or disloyalty involved. Say for example I like having long conversations that don't have any real point and my partner hates conversation that doesn't have a purpose. I think I should certainly be allowed to find people I like to talk with. Say a good girlfriend or perhaps a relative. Perhaps my partner has no interest in anything spiritual but I have a need to share my spiritual side with someone. Could I not find like minded people in a church? I could attend bible studies and make new friends with people who share my thoughts. Non of which should compromise my primary relationship. Of course if I have a whole bunch of needs that I feel my partner isn't meeting then perhaps I should wonder if he is the right person for me.

 

Secondly I question the term "needs". I mean is everything we want and wish for really a need. What if my partner would like to have sex every day and I'm happy with sex once a week. Is sex every day really a need? What if I step it up and make sure we have sex three times a week? Am I still failing at meeting his needs? Does he have a right to get sex somewhere else? It may be that happy people don't cheat but is the onus for their happiness entirely on their partner? Of course I don't think it's okay to treat my partner like crap and if I did that would certainly contribute to their unhappiness. But for the most part if somebodys happiness depends on someone else meeting their all of their needs then they are in for a lifetime of unhappiness. Part of becoming a mature adult is learning not to depend on others for our personal gratification. Self entitled people generally are pretty unhappy due to their unreasonable expectations.

 

Life is about compromising. Right now I am single and I have been for the past year. Therefore some of my needs are going unmet at the moment, such as my needs for affection, male companionship, romance and sex. When I feel myself getting down about that I remind myself of the upside of my situation. I get to be selfish with my time, have the entire bed to myself, keep my own schedule, come and go as I please, spend all my spare money on myself, and so on. I have found that people who are in longterm happy relationships have learned the art of compromise and how to pick their battles. Perhaps the husband is not the best at being romantic. Maybe this drove his wife nuts at one time but over the years she came to see that he loves her very much. Someone else may be more gifted in the area of romance but perhaps that person would suck at keeping commitments or being honest.

 

Honestly I just don't understand how people think these days. I just read a thread on another board, asking how her male friend could possibly live without regular sex? (he was single and refraining from one night stands). Seriously? Do people really believe that their life is unbearable if they don't get regular sex or have all of their needs met all of the time?

 

When I love someone I do want to meet their needs and contribute to their daily happiness. I know I can't meet every need they have but I'll do my best. If my partner told me he had a need that was very important to him and I wasn't meeting that need I would certainly pay attention and consider trying harder in that area, provided that his request was reasonable and not compromising to my self respect. If he were to tell me that he was going to get his needs met by another woman if I didn't meet all of his needs, that would probably be the end of our relationship. Then he would certainly be "allowed" to get his needs met somewhere else because I wouldn't put up with that kind of blackmail.

[MissBee]

Maybe the way our society is evolving, we need more than one person to complete all of our needs. If you thought that you were falling short in one or more areas of your spouses needs, and the chance of someone filling that particular need better than you can was real.... Would you try harder?

 

No one person can really fulfill someone's needs and no one should be really seeking that out. You have friends, family, different groups etc that fulfill certain needs in your life, then a partner that fulfills others, although some areas may overlap. Even among friends, my best friend in the entire world, does not fulfill all my needs, although she is my greatest confidante. She has a role, no other fits, but for example she is not "girly" in the least and so shopping with her, doing hair, makeup and girly stuff is just NOT going to happen. Likewise I have friends for different reasons and seasons.

 

I do believe for some people monogamy may not be the way, for me, it is. I'd like a relationship with a partner that excites me, where we're both comfortable in our own skin, our own activities, our own sense of self but also have a shared path and always have something to bring to the table. I'd like to be able to meet his needs for a partner and him mine and would strive for that; however, I would not be doing it because I felt Sue down the road seems like she is vying for the position. I know women who live like this and have entire mantras and mentalities built around the notion of "keeping their man" and watching other women and one-upping them to keep their man. In every case I've seen...it is tiring and more importantly, fear-based. I can't and don't intend to live like that.

 

I want us to not take each other for granted, to be realistic and expressive about our needs, to take responsibility for our own happiness as well as the nurturing of the relationship but NOT under the threat of another person coming in to pick up the slack if we aren't on our Ps and Qs.

[MissBee]

Well personally I feel that it is a spoiled and immature person who believes that all of their needs must be met at all times. Sometimes we need to put what we think we need on the back burner for the greater good or for better rewards. I know that it is unlikely that I will find someone who meets all of my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs and I also know it is unlikely that I would be able to meet somebody elses needs 100%. Therefore it is a compromise and all relationships have compromises. I also think that it is okay to get your needs met by others so long as there is no deception or disloyalty involved. Say for example I like having long conversations that don't have any real point and my partner hates conversation that doesn't have a purpose. I think I should certainly be allowed to find people I like to talk with. Say a good girlfriend or perhaps a relative. Perhaps my partner has no interest in anything spiritual but I have a need to share my spiritual side with someone. Could I not find like minded people in a church? I could attend bible studies and make new friends with people who share my thoughts. Non of which should compromise my primary relationship. Of course if I have a whole bunch of needs that I feel my partner isn't meeting then perhaps I should wonder if he is the right person for me.

 

Secondly I question the term "needs". I mean is everything we want and wish for really a need. What if my partner would like to have sex every day and I'm happy with sex once a week. Is sex every day really a need? What if I step it up and make sure we have sex three times a week? Am I still failing at meeting his needs? Does he have a right to get sex somewhere else? It may be that happy people don't cheat but is the onus for their happiness entirely on their partner? Of course I don't think it's okay to treat my partner like crap and if I did that would certainly contribute to their unhappiness. But for the most part if somebodys happiness depends on someone else meeting their all of their needs then they are in for a lifetime of unhappiness. Part of becoming a mature adult is learning not to depend on others for our personal gratification. Self entitled people generally are pretty unhappy due to their unreasonable expectations.

 

Life is about compromising. Right now I am single and I have been for the past year. Therefore some of my needs are going unmet at the moment, such as my needs for affection, male companionship, romance and sex. When I feel myself getting down about that I remind myself of the upside of my situation. I get to be selfish with my time, have the entire bed to myself, keep my own schedule, come and go as I please, spend all my spare money on myself, and so on. I have found that people who are in longterm happy relationships have learned the art of compromise and how to pick their battles. Perhaps the husband is not the best at being romantic. Maybe this drove his wife nuts at one time but over the years she came to see that he loves her very much. Someone else may be more gifted in the area of romance but perhaps that person would suck at keeping commitments or being honest.

Honestly I just don't understand how people think these days. I just read a thread on another board, asking how her male friend could possibly live without regular sex? (he was single and refraining from one night stands). Seriously? Do people really believe that their life is unbearable if they don't get regular sex or have all of their needs met all of the time?

 

When I love someone I do want to meet their needs and contribute to their daily happiness. I know I can't meet every need they have but I'll do my best. If my partner told me he had a need that was very important to him and I wasn't meeting that need I would certainly pay attention and consider trying harder in that area, provided that his request was reasonable and not compromising to my self respect. If he were to tell me that he was going to get his needs met by another woman if I didn't meet all of his needs, that would probably be the end of our relationship. Then he would certainly be "allowed" to get his needs met somewhere else because I wouldn't put up with that kind of blackmail.

 

Beautifully said, as usual!

 

You managed to say very eloquently some of what I wanted to say but did not.

 

Those are my exact thoughts.

 

I often find that the term "needs" is often abused by selfish people who always seem to have more "needs" than the average person, who can never delay gratification and who always excuse bad or ridiculous behavior on the grounds that they somehow had to or were forced to because it was some dire need . My ex was like this....he was a narcissistic, a-hole who behaved like a spoiled brat!

 

Expecting someone to be your all and everything, 100% of the time, 24/7, 365 is unrealistic and I have no time to pander to such an unreasonable person, and like you said, people like that are never generally happy for long as no real person can do this, although they may find some person willing to knock themselves out trying, still to no avail.

Edited July 30, 2011 by MissBee

[alexandria35]

Beautifully said, as usual!

 

You managed to say very eloquently some of what I wanted to say but did not.

 

Those are my exact thoughts.

 

I often find that the term "needs" is often abused by selfish people who always seem to have more "needs" than the average person, who can never delay gratification and who always excuse bad or ridiculous behavior on the grounds that they somehow had to or were forced to because it was some dire need . My ex was like this....he was a narcissistic, a-hole who behaved like a spoiled brat!

 

Expecting someone to be your all and everything, 100% of the time, 24/7, 365 is unrealistic and I have no time to pander to such an unreasonable person, and like you said, people like that are never generally happy for long as no real person can do this, although they may find some person willing to knock themselves out trying, still to no avail.

 

Ha! MissBee you usually say exactly what I want to say and in far fewer words. Whenever I'm struggling to get out what I want to say I hope you are going to come along to say it better.