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Posted (edited)

ok heres a part of whats happening with me currently and in the past....

 

Jan 95 meet a girl, spend 5 years together, no major issues as such, 4 years into the relationship have a child. usual naggles as im sure every couple has but nothing i would call serious. within a few months of the child being born the relationship fell apart for reasons only my childs mother knows but of course i have my suspicions, but thats old hat really now. Doesnt really feel a major concern anymore.

 

Since the split things were quite raw for many many months but after the rawness we managed to sustain a varied and sometimes emotional friendship reguardless. Purely on a parent level i would say and nothing more than that, often her attempts at conversation i would end abruptly but as nicely as possible and the same is pretty much over the past, but think as time heels her attempts have become more often so over the months but nothing i would say over bearing just general family chitter chatter.

 

So heres where it gets rather confusing for me some what, past 2 or 3 months she has been reminiscing with me, on 3 or 4 occasions of recent she has bought up our past and the things we did, the good things, the funny things etc then just over a month ago i arrive to collect my daughter to find she isnt there but at a party and on her way back for me to pick up...

The ex invites me in, nice n calm whilst im waiting and proceeds to start talking about family things on her side and a few on my side i entertain her for a few minutes with small chat back, my child arrives so i up and leave, at the door she then starts talking again about our past and the funny things we used to do and as i looked at her there was that glance when 2 sets of eyes meet with joy.

 

i left but then it hit me, the past, what we had, the feelings i had for her, id not felt these feelings for a long long time, purely platonic or even less if you like, purely for my childs sake and the need to have both parents in her life (im soul custodian of the child) so i kind of made a stand to myself as she is in another relationship to have no more contact with her under any circumstance, a decision i could of reversed maybe had been single but she isnt and my morals tell me to back off. A case of follow my head and not my heart if you like. now her current relationship has been in flow for a few years but many a time she expressed her unhappiness and her possible intentions of leaving, the most recent about 5 months ago. and if im honest she doesnt seem entirely happy but i guess that aint my issue.

 

4 weeks ago, emergency call to say my child had collapsed at school! my child is mostly unaware of the happenings but knows my feelings. attending i find she on a machine for test but concious, arrving in hospital and having tests it seems to be heat exhaustion, during this her mum arrives, its obvious i have a major issue with her being near me but try hard to bite my tongue. during the tests she asks a few times whats wrong and says shes knows me to well. i shake my head and say nothing, she then puts her arm around me and then says shes worried about me!!! i walk off for a cigarette, find the tests finished and take my child home without saying another word.

 

ive not really spoke another word to her more than 4 weeks ago. im telling myself this is now the best way to go, as hard as it is after her rekindling old feelings that only way out of this is to now totally disconect.

 

 

the hard part i guess is ive loved before and ive loved after but the truth be known is that she is my true love, not my 1st love, not last love but my true love.

 

id really like peoples opinions as this is pretty much a bolt out the blue from years gone by but a past that will be remembered.

Am supposed to read into any of this?

Am i actually making the correct decision for all concerned?

 

on a personal level, im well, doing fine with work, have a wonderful teenage child, have holidays abroad, great social life playing at gigs

 

help or guidance appreciated

Edited by Single Sid
Posted

I think you are doing everything right. If you are happy now then why change your happiness. Stop reading into the breadcrumbs shes feeding you. Keep doing what you are doing. It doesn't really matter what shes doing because you are doing the right thing and not caring besides both being responsible parents.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the reply, in my head i feel im doing right.

 

but in all honesty im happy on the outside but not on the inside, shes always been the missing piece of the jigsaw in my life if you like, me-her-our child.

 

ive been strong through the past but only recently has she hit me for 6 with these attempts at reminiscing, its not weakened me, just shown me all the feelings ive had to bottle up over the years. Like you say probably, keep following my current route. Knowing ill never find what we had with anyone again does pain me but guess thats something i have to suck up and accept.

  • Author
Posted

anyone else care enlighten me on their thoughts please?

 

:(

Posted

I have a five year old son. So I definitely know how it is breaking up with someone you truly love and having to still see them and deal with them for the child sake. It was rough for about a good 6 months to a year after we had broken up. I got to meet all her dates and boyfriends after me, as they would be there every time I went to pick up my son. Over the years it's gotten much easier. Sometimes my ex is working and there are times that I have to met up with her boyfriend to pick my son up or other times the boyfriend is babysitting my son when I arrive to pick him up. I've gotten used to it. There are really no feelings there anymore. She seems to act a bit crazy at times and I'm usually more collected and reserved.

 

Here's what I've noticed and you can probably say the same about your relationship with your child's mother as well. There are times we reminisce and there are other times when she acts as if she still has feelings for me. But, I usually blow it off. You're always going to have an emotional bond. The two of you had a child together, but after so many years, that bond is more of the type of bond you share with another family member, say your sister. My ex even said to my most recent ex-gf once "Matt's like a brother to me" (Nice to meet you, I'm Matt by the way, haha).

 

She still loves me and I still love her. But not in the madly in love sort of way. She's always venting to me about her boyfriend's as well and I did the same, as ar as my ex was concerned. However, she only did it because she felt confortable talking to me, as if I've been a good friend over all these years. We don't hang out like friends, but we confide in one another at times.

 

This is probably the same exact scenario that is going on with you and your child's mother. She probably still loves you, but not in love with you anymore. She feels confortable with you, because she can confide in you, but I wouldn't take anything she says or does as anything serious. It's probably more of a brotherly/sisterly sort of love at this point (not exactly, but it's the closest thing you can really compare it to).

 

In conclusion, I would just be happy that you two can get along for the sake of your child and that she feels comfortable with you. Perhaps you should try giving a friendship a try. It seems as if a long enough time period has passed. I suppose only you will truly know. Perhaps one day something more may present itself, but I wouldn't count on it. I don't count on it either. There were a couple times when she was single, where it seemed as if she was flirting with me a few times, but then a week or two later, she'd have another guy at the house... Oops my bad, haha. Nothing ever came of it. But, I had a small ego boost for a little while there.

 

Well, I hope I've helped. I'll check back later to see if you've posted anything in response. If you have any other questions or need some more advice, I'm here to help my friend. Until then, take care.

  • Author
Posted

Cheers THP, few things of what you said kind of hit home and thanks for the little chuckle to lighten the mood 'oops my bad' :)

 

As for her partner, we have mutual respect for each other, it wasnt easy and 1 or 2 words were said in the past but about my concern as a father where as he was fitting out thinking i was a threat to them, i made it clear to him i was no threat in anyway and am only here for my child and told him to get used to it for at least 10 years or so.

 

As for firendship with the ex, as much as ive moved with my life, although recent happenings have shown me what ive bottled up over the years, i just cant see any further friendship with each other, knowing how easy it would be for her to say something and then get me back to square one all over again.

 

Im over the break up and have been for a long time, it doesnt really pain me what happened in the past or what i think happened in the past but dont think i could keep bottling this emotion up to then for it all to be unearthed every so often. that aint fair to me i think.

 

in all the years weve been apart after the rawness, ive not once tried to conversate with her, not once bought up our past so this feels like she is stepping out of line, she would never bring up these talks whilst her current partner is present which is rather sly of her.

 

taking it all in and thanks for your replies guys but still rather confused tbh.

 

Im good with time and its become a great friend of mine so i think a short period of it treating myself will not go a miss.

 

would value any others input

 

Thank you

  • Author
Posted

Bump.

 

Any others been in my situation?

 

anyone else care to enilghten me?

 

thank you

  • Author
Posted

any other parents in my situation after a long term split?

 

never really had the chance to completely have zero contact due to young child but now thats not the case. im so confused over the messages she was off loading.

 

and i suppose i need that little bit of support.

 

thank you

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