ptp Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 As a male and this thread kind of worries me. Don't girls realize that people are living longer, getting an education takes longer, getting a career takes longer etc....? Often the timing just isn't right and you don't find that special girl that doesn't mean there is something wrong with the guy.
tigressA Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I agree with Zengirl. Having the additional information on this guy, he sounds like a commitment-phobe. I'd steer clear if you really want a LTR, particularly with children.
pandagirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The older I get, I realize marriage is not the end all, be all to relationships. The important thing is that he's looking for a long-term, serious relationship that is committed.
sm1tten Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The older I get, I realize marriage is not the end all, be all to relationships. The important thing is that he's looking for a long-term, serious relationship that is committed. cosigned. It seems like for some people it's a red flag to have gotten married too young, or too old, or too soon, or you waited too long... or you didn't get married, you don't want to get married, you haven't met anyone you want to get married to... or you have had too many relationships, or not enough, or not enough of the right kind... sigh. Keep looking for red flags, and I guess you're bound to find some.
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The older I get, I realize marriage is not the end all, be all to relationships. The important thing is that he's looking for a long-term, serious relationship that is committed. I think the important thing is that both people are on the same page. Marriage is not the end all be all to everyone or even all that important to many people. For some people, it is. Same deal with kids. The OP could deal without marriage, it sounds like, but she wants kids. For me, it's actually the opposite (I definitely want marriage; I could go either way on kids but think I'll probably have them). Everyone is different.
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) His longest relationship was several years ago and that lasted 2 ½ years. She wanted to get married and he didn’t. This has made me question if he is LTR material. Honestly, it's not marriage that I require, but a committed LTR with a man who wants children. Just because a man doesn't want to get married, doesn't mean that he doesn't want an LTR or isn't LTR material. Some guys don't want to get married for legal reasons, even with a prenuptial agreement. Edited July 29, 2011 by Nexus One
aeh Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I agree in that it all depends how you look at it. I know a very handsome and successful guy who is still single at 48. Says he will never get married. I believe he's got his pick of women and he's set in his ways-likes his alone time and I believe he likes the casual and varied sex he gets. But that's just my take on it. To me, if i were in the dating world, his single status at 48 would be a red flag. On the other hand, at least he knows not to commit to someone if he can't!
Author iris219 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) OP, the man sounds quite content with his life as a single person. I think some people interpreted my question as “Are unmarried men over 35 creepy weirdos?" That’s not what I meant at all. I was referring to men over 35 who could have married at some point, but chose not to be. I wondered if these men have suddenly decided that they are now in a place where marriage/LTR makes sense and they want it, or if many don’t place a high value on marriage/LTR because their lives are great without it. The above describes him pretty well. He’s a confident and positive person, and seems very satisfied with his life. He’s 40. At 40 I wonder if he feels the need for marriage/LTR when he seems perfectly content with his life as it is (not that you need to be unhappy in order to want marriage). Dating hasn't been a priority for him in the past several months. He said he had kind of forgotten about it, probably because he has an active, full life without it. Apparently, I made him remember. Edited July 29, 2011 by iris219
thatone Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I think some people interpreted my question as “Are unmarried men over 35 creepy weirdos?" That’s not what I meant at all. I was referring to men over 35 who could have married at some point, but chose not to be. I wondered if these men have suddenly decided that they are now in a place where marriage/LTR makes sense and they want it, or if many don’t place a high value on marriage/LTR because their lives are great without it. The above describes him pretty well. He’s a confident and positive person, and seems very satisfied with his life. He’s 40. At 40 I wonder if he feels the need for marriage/LTR when he seems perfectly content with his life as it is (not that you need to be unhappy in order to want marriage). Dating hasn't been a priority for him in the past several months. He said he had kind of forgotten about it, probably because he has an active, full life without it. Apparently, I made him remember. i think you're projecting yourself on him, to put it bluntly. he isn't under any social/biological pressure to be married and have children as women in their 30s/40s are. and speaking for myself, although i'm not 40 i'm only a few years from it, i'm more open to longer term relationships now than i was in my 20s.
Author iris219 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 i think you're projecting yourself on him, to put it bluntly. he isn't under any social/biological pressure to be married and have children as women in their 30s/40s are. and speaking for myself, although i'm not 40 i'm only a few years from it, i'm more open to longer term relationships now than i was in my 20s. Yep. I feel like I'm running out of time (if I'm going to have kids) and need to be very time efficient when it comes to dating. I don't even know the guy that well yet. I can't say I even want a relationship with him at this point (much less marriage). It's like I look for reasons to discard guy who could be potentially good for me, but I'll ignore genuine red flags displayed by those who are truly unavailable.
Eve Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) I think some people interpreted my question as “Are unmarried men over 35 creepy weirdos?" That’s not what I meant at all. I was referring to men over 35 who could have married at some point, but chose not to be. I wondered if these men have suddenly decided that they are now in a place where marriage/LTR makes sense and they want it, or if many don’t place a high value on marriage/LTR because their lives are great without it. The above describes him pretty well. He’s a confident and positive person, and seems very satisfied with his life. He’s 40. At 40 I wonder if he feels the need for marriage/LTR when he seems perfectly content with his life as it is (not that you need to be unhappy in order to want marriage). Dating hasn't been a priority for him in the past several months. He said he had kind of forgotten about it, probably because he has an active, full life without it. Apparently, I made him remember. Personally I simply can't tell whether he is one of those men who wants to be single or not. He just sounds content and rather fit. I think you will have to ask him directly and figure out whether you think he is telling the truth or not. It may sound a bit weird saying it all out loud but I think it is better to know these things up front. Hide what you want to know in a conversation about someone else, or something .. I went out with someone once who was of a similar age and had been divorced and he was a nightmare! Commitment phobe of the century! I did not pursue the relationship in the end but we were friends. Within not too short space of time I met my now Hubby. When he found out he actually turned up on the morning of my wedding to try and convince me to go out with him. As if.. Find out girl. Don't compromise on the future that you want to see become manifest. You are right to be asking these questions but I think it is best to always treat people as individuals and focus on their whys and why nots.. Ask him.. and feed back the answer please!! I am intrigued. At least he doesn't sound jaded, miserable or ****ed up. Take care, Eve x Edited July 30, 2011 by Eve
thatone Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Yep. I feel like I'm running out of time (if I'm going to have kids) and need to be very time efficient when it comes to dating. I don't even know the guy that well yet. I can't say I even want a relationship with him at this point (much less marriage). It's like I look for reasons to discard guy who could be potentially good for me, but I'll ignore genuine red flags displayed by those who are truly unavailable. but the potential husband/father you're looking for whether this guy is him or not, sees your insecurity as a red flag.
Eve Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 but the potential husband/father you're looking for whether this guy is him or not, sees your insecurity as a red flag. What insecurity? Take care, Eve x
thatone Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 What insecurity? Take care, Eve x that by her own description of herself she goes hot/cold based on assumptions when the man she's with hasn't done anything different, never mind right or wrong, to warrant it.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Red flags ug. You meet a person. You date them. See how they act, what they think, what they say, who they seem to be and decide whether they are worth a go. Even at that you can't know everything. Most people can actually make mistakes, learn from them and change. Some are so complex however, they don't even admit anything they've done to cause heart ache in someone else. Life is a red flag. Be wise, be brave, hope for the best, cut your losses when they come and keep soldiering on.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Um, hello, marriage isn't for everyone, it doesn't mean there is a problem with someone. I'm a woman in my 40's and chose never to get married, me and my ex were together 18 years and were committed to each other, we didn't feel the need to make it legally binding, that's more for the more conventional types or religious types. People can feel just as strongly about each, other married or not. To me marriage seems unrealistic, how can anyone promise to stay with each other for life, who can possibly see ahead even 6 months? I feel this even more strongly after me and my ex split, we were so solid for so long but we still ended, he was the love of my life. Maybe this man has more sense than to get married and vow to stay with her forever. Has he had LTR's, just as important/valid surely??! Would you say a never married, very attractive man, in his late 30's to early 40's, who has a lot of good qualities and a lot going for him is a red flag? Has he just not met the right woman? Or, because he has options, he doesn’t have to settle down with one woman (and never will)? Thoughts?
HeavenOrHell Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Again, not all men (or women) want marriage, this doesn't mean they don't want LTR's, or to settle down Depends on the guy. I wouldn't even begin to think of it as a red flag till 40 really. If a guy wasn't already LOOKING to settle down and actively talking about it by his mid-thirties, though, I'd consider it a red flag. That doesn't mean he'd found her yet. That said, if there were other red flags that told me he was looking for something unrealistic (a perfect person, rather than working on the relationship himself), I'd stay away. I'd also be wary if he'd had no significant relationships and/or didn't have a good amount of close friends, some of whom had happy marriages. If he was always "focused on other things" (I think that's okay in the 20s maybe, but if a guy never even started thinking about marriage till he was approaching 40, he wouldn't be the guy for me), I'd be wary. But if he'd just been getting relationship experience and not quite finding it yet, that's a different story.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 These kinds of threads are depressing for someone like me. Maybe he hasn't got married, because he doesn't want to. But has been/is in a serious long term relationship. At least in the UK loads of couples live together who aren't married. It's just a lifestyle choice.
Eve Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 that by her own description of herself she goes hot/cold based on assumptions when the man she's with hasn't done anything different, never mind right or wrong, to warrant it. Oh ok. I thought it a genuine question and not really an insecurity as such. Some things can be red flags that need looking into further. I mean, this guy may not be interested in having children, which seems to me to be the main thing the OP is looking at right now. Best to test things out before jumping in I think... but then again I wouldn't have bothered to date someone if they did not have the same outlook as what I was aiming for back in the days when I was single. I don't see the point of a romantic connection in that sense. Waste of time. I would just be a friend in that scenario. Maybe the OP is at this sort of stage of life too? Do you think she should pursue his interest and just find out as they go along? That just seems misleading to me if she knows what she wants .. Didn't get the idea that the OP is hardcore into marriage, rather was just wondering out loud why he has not been taken as yet. Thats how I understood what she was saying anyway. I took it quite innocently, no insecurity detected. After all many men do piss about or not even want anything serious, which is fine.. as long as you know this upfront. Maybe we could encourage the OP to find the right words to broach the subject/figure out if she really wants what she says she wants more than anything else? I just thought it strange that you thought her insecure for asking the question. Personally, I don't think it is good to be too connected to a person at the stage of finding out these things. I suppose dating to me means going out with someone with a similar focus. Not going out with them to find out if they have a similar focus. I would need a pretty good idea of that before going anywhere with them. Nah, could be doing something else. Take care, Eve x
Author iris219 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Um, hello, marriage isn't for everyone, it doesn't mean there is a problem with someone. I'm a woman in my 40's and chose never to get married, me and my ex were together 18 years and were committed to each other, we didn't feel the need to make it legally binding, that's more for the more conventional types or religious types. People can feel just as strongly about each, other married or not. To me marriage seems unrealistic, how can anyone promise to stay with each other for life, who can possibly see ahead even 6 months? I feel this even more strongly after me and my ex split, we were so solid for so long but we still ended, he was the love of my life. Maybe this man has more sense than to get married and vow to stay with her forever. Has he had LTR's, just as important/valid surely??! But I would like to get married, so not wanting to IS a red flag for me. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, as long as I'm not trying to date you. The longest relationship he had was the 2 1/2 year one that ended because she wanted marriage.
Author iris219 Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Oh ok. I thought it a genuine question and not really an insecurity as such. Some things can be red flags that need looking into further. I mean, this guy may not be interested in having children, which seems to me to be the main thing the OP is looking at right now. Best to test things out before jumping in I think... but then again I wouldn't have bothered to date someone if they did not have the same outlook as what I was aiming for back in the days when I was single. I don't see the point of a romantic connection in that sense. Waste of time. I would just be a friend in that scenario. Maybe the OP is at this sort of stage of life too? Do you think she should pursue his interest and just find out as they go along? That just seems misleading to me if she knows what she wants .. Didn't get the idea that the OP is hardcore into marriage, rather was just wondering out loud why he has not been taken as yet. Thats how I understood what she was saying anyway. I took it quite innocently, no insecurity detected. After all many men do piss about or not even want anything serious, which is fine.. as long as you know this upfront. Maybe we could encourage the OP to find the right words to broach the subject/figure out if she really wants what she says she wants more than anything else? I just thought it strange that you thought her insecure for asking the question. Personally, I don't think it is good to be too connected to a person at the stage of finding out these things. I suppose dating to me means going out with someone with a similar focus. Not going out with them to find out if they have a similar focus. I would need a pretty good idea of that before going anywhere with them. Nah, could be doing something else. Take care, Eve x I don't think I'm insecure either. I think I'm cautious, possibly to a fault. I wasted so many years with the wrong person (my last relationship). I want to avoid doing this. Yes, I learned things about myself from the relationship, but I could have discovered these things in several months vs several years. I don't want to go into another relationship hoping for the best. I'm no longer optimistic; I'm realistic. I will ask him how he feels about marriage, but I'm going to wait and see how things develop. We're barely even dating right now--just been on a few dates.
sm1tten Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 So there's the thing. He said he both didn't want to get married and he didn't want to get married to her. There are two factors at play here: a)You don't know whether he wants to get married at all. You don't know whether he wants to have a LTR. b) And you certainly don't know whether he would want either of those things with you. And neither does he, probably. You only have three options here. Either ask him now (which could put him off of you but eliminate your questions fairly rapidly), date him and ask him when the relationship is more serious (potentially "wasting time" I guess as he could still go either way), or leave it alone based on your instinct that he seems satisfied with his life as it is right now.
thatone Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Oh ok. I thought it a genuine question and not really an insecurity as such. Some things can be red flags that need looking into further. I mean, this guy may not be interested in having children, which seems to me to be the main thing the OP is looking at right now. Best to test things out before jumping in I think... but then again I wouldn't have bothered to date someone if they did not have the same outlook as what I was aiming for back in the days when I was single. I don't see the point of a romantic connection in that sense. Waste of time. I would just be a friend in that scenario. Maybe the OP is at this sort of stage of life too? Do you think she should pursue his interest and just find out as they go along? That just seems misleading to me if she knows what she wants .. Didn't get the idea that the OP is hardcore into marriage, rather was just wondering out loud why he has not been taken as yet. Thats how I understood what she was saying anyway. I took it quite innocently, no insecurity detected. After all many men do piss about or not even want anything serious, which is fine.. as long as you know this upfront. Maybe we could encourage the OP to find the right words to broach the subject/figure out if she really wants what she says she wants more than anything else? I just thought it strange that you thought her insecure for asking the question. Personally, I don't think it is good to be too connected to a person at the stage of finding out these things. I suppose dating to me means going out with someone with a similar focus. Not going out with them to find out if they have a similar focus. I would need a pretty good idea of that before going anywhere with them. Nah, could be doing something else. Take care, Eve x if you read her other posts it becomes more clear. i don't disagree with anything you're saying, but that's not really the issue here. i do think she is honest when posting things here, for what it's worth, and there's a pretty distinct pattern. 1) man approaches her that she is attracted to 2) a few days later she gets cold feet and comes here looking for validation for rejecting him for something she has dreamed up on her own 3) she gets a lot of crazy responses from this forum, from jaded women and sexually frustrated men, that justify her assumption 4) man is gone either by her (in)action or his, and the process then repeats couple all of that with a small pool of quality single people where she lives, and the situation becomes compounded by low expectations.
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