iris219 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Would you say a never married, very attractive man, in his late 30's to early 40's, who has a lot of good qualities and a lot going for him is a red flag? Has he just not met the right woman? Or, because he has options, he doesn’t have to settle down with one woman (and never will)? Thoughts?
Rinas Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Depends on the guy in question, I wouldn't be quick to assume a red flag. Not everyone is in a rush to get married to begin with. A man without excessive baggage is never a bad thing.
thatone Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 why do you need to actively seek something wrong with them all? if there's something wrong it'll come out, you don't have to go looking for it. we don't know him, we can't tell you what his situation is.
Nexus One Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) Would you say a never married, very attractive man, in his late 30's to early 40's, who has a lot of good qualities and a lot going for him is a red flag? Not necessarily a red flag in my opinion, not in this day and age. Has he just not met the right woman? Or, because he has options, he doesn’t have to settle down with one woman (and never will)? Depends on the guy. Take me for example, I'm 29, but I haven't been married so far. I've always focused on other things than marriage. I focused on my studies, focused on work, focused on entrepreneurship and then it hit me like Thor's hammer, I wanted the right partner. When I do something I do it with great care, with great focus and concentration and I focus on one thing at a time. I've always been about quality over speed. If a woman would see that as a red flag, then she's not the right one for me, because it would be unfair to hold that against me. But like I said, it depends on the guy, my attitude might not reflect the attitude of the majority of guys out there. Edited July 29, 2011 by Nexus One
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Depends on the guy. I wouldn't even begin to think of it as a red flag till 40 really. If a guy wasn't already LOOKING to settle down and actively talking about it by his mid-thirties, though, I'd consider it a red flag. That doesn't mean he'd found her yet. That said, if there were other red flags that told me he was looking for something unrealistic (a perfect person, rather than working on the relationship himself), I'd stay away. I'd also be wary if he'd had no significant relationships and/or didn't have a good amount of close friends, some of whom had happy marriages. If he was always "focused on other things" (I think that's okay in the 20s maybe, but if a guy never even started thinking about marriage till he was approaching 40, he wouldn't be the guy for me), I'd be wary. But if he'd just been getting relationship experience and not quite finding it yet, that's a different story.
FinOuch Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The opposite could be argued. One could ask whether a man in his late 30s/early 40s and has been divorced is also a red flag. And some people would most definitively answer yes - he's "damaged goods", or "bad at relationships"...blah blah blah. There could be a perfectly good explanation why he hasn't taken the plunge. You should be inquiring about his past with him, not with us.
grkBoy Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I think it depends on the guy, and how the woman looks at him. Some guys are "never married" because they wanted to be playas and ladies men. Others perhaps simply stayed out of dating entirely to focus on career, care for loved ones, etc. Some might have been late bloomers and also had loads of bad luck simply because they had no game. I personally think one should not judge until they get to know the person. To simply believe any guy at age 30-40 who hasn't ever been married is instantly a commitment-phobe or playa is about as bad as men instantly assuming every "never married" single mom is just some party girl who got knocked up by a douchebag and now wants a "nice guy" to take care of her. I also think the marriage-minded man or woman shouldn't be so quick to judge if it means they end up with very little in terms of "prospects" for a marital partner. I'm 37 and was never married. Does that mean I'm a playa? Or a loser who couldn't get girl? Even the women who simply say "I want a man with experience" often end up shooting themselves in the foot as their choices end up being guys who barely got any versus guys who have too many options and thus don't want to commit.
fishtaco Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I'm 40. Never married. Some women think I'm attractive, some women disagree, so I can't rate myself in terms of how attractive I am. My reason, I'm not interested in marriage, at all. And I'm honest about it. And I've had women that decided not to date me because I was honest and told them marriage is not in my future. It's getting easier now that I'm older, women my age usually already have kids and have been through divorce(s). So I run into more women that are no longer interested in marriage.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The man would have to have a really good reason for not getting married. This would be especially true if he had several long relationships that never moved to marriage. I'd wonder what was so wrong with him that the woman didn't want to marry him! I would prefer a man who was divorced with kids in that age range over a guy who has never taken the plunge. At least these men typically understand how hard marriage can be and how much work it takes to have a good one.
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I'm 40. Never married. Some women think I'm attractive, some women disagree, so I can't rate myself in terms of how attractive I am. My reason, I'm not interested in marriage, at all. And I'm honest about it. And I've had women that decided not to date me because I was honest and told them marriage is not in my future. It's getting easier now that I'm older, women my age usually already have kids and have been through divorce(s). So I run into more women that are no longer interested in marriage. Oh, yes, all my stuff applies only assuming the OP is interested in marriage. For one person who's interested in marriage to date another who's not is just a recipe for disaster. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with someone who isn't---they just wouldn't be a good LTR partner for a partner who is marriage-minded.
EasyHeart Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Speaking as one of those men, the only thing that it shows is that he's really, really smart. . . .
Author iris219 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I’m terrified of getting involved with someone who doesn’t want marriage and finding out years later. Unlike fishtaco, most men aren’t going to be as honest. Many commitment phobes don’t even realize they’re afraid of commitment. They do things like continually choosing people who won’t expect them to commit or they won’t have to commit to fully, for various reasons. I’m afraid I somehow project an emotionally unavailable vibe, making me a perfect target for a man who has no desire to commit. The guy in question is very focused on his career right now and he spends a lot of time participating in a certain sport. He hasn’t even dated this summer, partly because he’s been busy, partly because he has fun with his friends and doesn’t need a woman, and partly because he’s particular about who he dates. I think he surprised himself when he asked me out! His longest relationship was several years ago and that lasted 2 ½ years. She wanted to get married and he didn’t. This has made me question if he is LTR material.
Imajerk17 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) I always hear that "never married and over 35" is a red flag, but that strikes me as absurd. It's no more of a red flag than being divorced--why couldn't a divorced man keep his marriage, and if it's really the ex-wife's fault, how come he didn't see this *before* marriage? At least a "never married" person might have had the foresight to have seen the incompatibilities *before* tying the knot. I'm not passing judgment on "divorced". I started seeing a great woman now who is divorced--known her for a couple months before. It seems that her experiences have actually made her a much better person. Edited July 29, 2011 by Imajerk17
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 His longest relationship was several years ago and that lasted 2 ½ years. She wanted to get married and he didn’t. This has made me question if he is LTR material. I'd say this is the red flag. I have a friend who's 38 and not yet married but totally wants to be. He's had LTRs but nothing longer than a year since he was 30 and seriously started looking to get married. Those women weren't for him (some broke up with him, some he did the breakups) but he was able to find out within a reasonable time and tell them, and he did so because he was looking for marriage. The real red flag is if he has a breakup because he didn't want to get married, and if the relationship was lengthy. That tells me he was more than happy to string her along despite knowing she wanted marriage.
EasyHeart Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I’m terrified of getting involved with someone who doesn’t want marriage and finding out years later. Unlike fishtaco, most men aren’t going to be as honest. Many commitment phobes don’t even realize they’re afraid of commitment. They do things like continually choosing people who won’t expect them to commit or they won’t have to commit to fully, for various reasons. I’m afraid I somehow project an emotionally unavailable vibe, making me a perfect target for a man who has no desire to commit. The guy in question is very focused on his career right now and he spends a lot of time participating in a certain sport. He hasn’t even dated this summer, partly because he’s been busy, partly because he has fun with his friends and doesn’t need a woman, and partly because he’s particular about who he dates. I think he surprised himself when he asked me out! His longest relationship was several years ago and that lasted 2 ½ years. She wanted to get married and he didn’t. This has made me question if he is LTR material.He sounds like me! How about asking him, "Do you ever see yourself getting married?" and seeing what he says?
Author iris219 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 He sounds like me! How about asking him, "Do you ever see yourself getting married?" and seeing what he says? I think it's WAY too soon to ask him that. I like to keep any neuroticism to myself for awhile (before I unleash it on the unsuspecting ). Honestly, it's not marriage that I require, but a committed LTR with a man who wants children.
EasyHeart Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 The real red flag is if he has a breakup because he didn't want to get married, and if the relationship was lengthy. That tells me he was more than happy to string her along despite knowing she wanted marriage.It depends on whether he didn't want to get married or if he didn't want to get married to her.
EasyHeart Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I think it's WAY too soon to ask him that. I like to keep any neuroticism to myself for awhile (before I unleash it on the unsuspecting ). Honestly, it's not marriage that I require, but a committed LTR with a man who wants children.Ask him. He's a grown-up. It's a basic first date question as far as I'm concerned.
Author iris219 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 It depends on whether he didn't want to get married or if he didn't want to get married to her. I asked him this actually. He said a little bit of both.
JHS Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Late 40s, never married. I want/wanted to get married and haven't completely ruled it out, but I know it gets tougher every day. Why not? How much time do you have?
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 It depends on whether he didn't want to get married or if he didn't want to get married to her. Right, what bothers me is he took so long to figure that out and/or admit it to her. Unless she was hiding that she wanted to get married, hoping the situation would change. I agree though that it's a fine question, so long as it's hypothetical of course, early on. Not, "Do you see us getting married?" That's nutty. But asking about someone's general life goals --- do they want marriage? Kids? etc. --- those are all fine on early dates for relationship-oriented people, so far as I'm concerned. I don't find guys who are r-minded shy away from them or are scared away by them.
zengirl Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I asked him this actually. He said a little bit of both. Super bad sign!
Eve Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 OP, the man sounds quite content with his life as a single person. He may want short relationships only. Ask him, especially whether he wants children. The child factor seems to be the most important bit really because you bought it up. Only go for what is relevant to you as he is not in your life and this does not have to be a romantic connection. How about he just be a friend? He sounds quite interesting from that perspective. Take care, Eve x
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