Confession and Conflicted Thought

[antinko]

I look back at the way I handled the break up as a dumpee and am horrified.

 

I know I've pushed her away somewhat with my reactions and I know she understands - she's been hit hard before, even hinting she's reacted similarly in the past.

 

But it's not her opinion I'm upset about. I know that, despite understanding, she's been pushed away because frankly, I've been immature.

 

I did a good job at being the man I wanted to be for her when we were together; it was all sincere and took no effort. Through the ups and downs, I remained largely positive and I achieved a lot considering the situation I was in eight months ago - or so I thought.

 

But now she's gone, and I realise just how much I did actually depend on her at times. I wasn't leaning on her completely, but I know she couldn't take it. I let her lean on me and managed - got a bit depressed, but when it came to my turn, she walked. She felt like she couldn't give me what I'd given to her - I don't know what to make of that; I'm not even sure if I want to try.

 

I feel betrayed - I always saw light over the horizon, feeling it would all pay off. But, I know this girl had different experiences in her life. She's not positive. She frequently said 'nothing lasts forever' and refused to accept that people or (bad) situations could change unless she moved onto something new.

 

I know I'm looking into the past. I know that the basic elements which contribute towards a healthy and enjoyable relationship ebbed away. I don't think there is anything that could have been done to change things.

 

But I'm still beating myself up. I thought I was strong, but at break up, I wasn't. I only contributed towards her fears that I didn't meet the mark.

 

Maybe she expected me to be stronger than her, much stronger - I think that is possibly the case.

 

I sit here wishing I had a second chance, but then other parts of me tell me it was just a learning experience and that she's the one with the problem.

 

I know she projected her insecurities onto me, that she said hurtful personal things to me because she is insecure, but still they hurt.

 

I feel like I currently have a split personality: on one side, I'm sitting here doubting everything about myself, mocking myself. I'm just a child stuck in a 25 year old man's body. I couldn't give this woman what she needed.

 

I'm inadequate, useless, dependent.

 

On the other hand, I'm confident that I did everything I could have done at the time. I thought about the big picture. I put her well being first. I was a gentleman at all times. I never lost my patience with her even when she was incredibly low.

 

She was so miserable. I was unhappy much of the time, but I loved her. It's insane. People always told me I could do 'better', that she was a complete drag on my existence, that I should focus on girls my age or a few years younger, not her who is a few years older and at a slightly different stage...

 

But I couldn't. I loved her. I don't know why, but I did. She's been stuck in my mind for over a year now and my feelings didn't change.

 

I'm not obsessed. I didn't jump to her every whim, nor did I think about her all the time, but 'something' was there which I couldn't ignore and it was - is - more powerful than anything I've experienced before.

 

I'm struggling with my sense of integrity. I realise I was shocked, overwhelmed and selfish post break up with my neediness, making all the classic mistakes.

 

But then, I know I only did that because I was so shocked. Seriously, it felt like everything I trusted and believed in turned out to be false. Wait...that's exactly what it was. Oh well.

 

But for my part, the feelings remained true and I couldn't just turn them off. I didn't understand how she could just turn them off. I now realise that, for the last few months of the relationship, she'd gradually been checking out of it - she didn't want to, but she couldn't deny her true feelings.

 

So I'm not angry with 'her' per se.

 

I'm concentrating on my life right now. No contact will be maintained and it'll be manageable because, quite honestly, I don't even want to acknowledge her existence right now.

 

My ex will eventually meet, if not already have met, someone else. Their relationship may or may not work out. Perhaps I'll just be a statistic to her in the future, but I know I don't really want to know about it.

 

I was terrified about bumping into her with someone new. I still distinctly dislike the idea, but I know that this feeling is simply jealousy - the feeling of wanting what I can't have.

 

When I reflect on my ex and look at the situation objectively, I agree with my peers and parents, that I could do 'better' whatever 'better' is.

 

But I am not a selfish person in the long run. I can't allow myself to follow the advice of 'hating' my ex or seeing them as the 'enemy'. To do that would be to go back on everything I ever said to her, and everything I showed her.

 

No. She's not my enemy and I know we're not meant to be. I have feelings for her, but I don't want her back. She thinks I do (I foolishly told her), but it wouldn't be right. The trust wouldn't be there.

 

Although I'll feel pangs of jealousy if I see her with another before I meet someone new (I'm really, really not looking or interested in anyone right now), I wish her the best. I hope she finds happiness.

 

I wanted to tell her some of these things, but I can't. I am finding that absolutely no contact (I even changed to a different gym) is working wonders for me, but I needed to get the above off my chest. I'm going to take what I learned and use it in order to become a stronger man. If you wish to comment on it, I'd be grateful.

Edited July 29, 2011 by antinko

[aussie_bloke]

Sounds like you are dealing with things really well. You have obviously been through alot, however reading your post I feel you really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Well done:)

[antinko]

I'm still going round in circles. One moment I think I'm 'ok' and feel more at peace, the next I'm doubting, blaming and missing her intensely.

 

I'm another day with NC, but I don't know...

 

I can't get over this specific: she was so into me, smiled and looked at me in a way I knew was true love.

 

And then she went cold within a few months, and I feel like she looks at me with a degree of contempt.

 

She seems happy and claims to be 'on a high' right now, but then in the same breath says it's a 'front'.

 

She got jealous over a misunderstanding and seems to show a few signs that she still cares, but I don't know.

 

I don't know what to make of the girl. I know she doesn't know what she wants. I know that there were a few things (things I've changed) about me which weren't amazing all the time.

 

I know that right now with it being Friday and midnight, that she might be grinding up against some other guy right now. I don't know.

 

Part of me just feels like it's not right, though. I don't believe she really doesn't love me. I don't know.

 

I'm maintaining NC as I said, but this is so hard. Maybe I have got it wrong.

 

I'm not doing very well here. Feel like I take one step forwards and two steps back.

[Paige1377]

Everything you said I felt three weeks ago....but I was lying to myself. I kept saying it's gonna be fine, everything will work out without them, but secretly I wanted my ex back and was in denial. You gotta let her go if you love her, admit it's over, admit to yourself that it won't work, that way you can heal. Five weeks after my six year split, I still want him back, but less. I am confused but less. I had to let go and admit to myself it wouldn't work.

 

The less time you spend analyzing this the better. Keep yourself preoccupied, alter your focus. It's amazing the clarity you can get over a breakup when you aren't analyzing every detail. Admit to yourself that you and her aren't together, that it doesn't matter what happened then, only matters what happens in the future.

 

If you can shift your focus, I promise you will feel better and can think much more logically instead of all raw emotions. I wish I had the answer that you guys will work it out, bc I did the same, googling "signs ex wants you back" and seriously every time I talked to him and he mentioned us getting back together googling that ad analyzing it for hours. I don't have that answer, nobody does. The best thing is alleviate that need to analyze, journal if you get upset and focus in you. Easier said than done but I know from experience losing someone I love, this works the best.

 

Five weeks later I am feeling better bc I let go, no more stressing searching for an answer I wouldn't ever get. I hope this helps, and remember time fixes all, if it is meant to be it will, however you can't analyze it to happen now, bc it if it does happen you will be logically ready to approach it. If it doesn't, at least you will feel better and less upset. Good luck!

[antinko]

Thanks for the truth. I'll do it. I'm at a point now where I cannot allow myself to compromise my dignity any further.

 

She made her choice and I can do better. The biggest thing on my mind right now is regaining the person I wanted to be - I allowed her to chip away at that and now I just need to look out for me.

 

I admit I'm worried about seeing her out with someone else when I go out later, but my guts tell me "I don't care. You were always true to your feelings with her and she decided she didn't want them. Your feelings were honest and good and you never cheated, lied or hurt her in any way, so it's her loss."

 

She may well find increased happiness with someone else, but I know, deep in my heart, that I could never have sustained this love for her if she never returned it equally. I'm heart broken that it didn't work out, but it's better that didn't work out now, rather than us getting married, sharing a mortgage or having kids - that would have truly ruined life for both of us.

 

If I look at the past, I loved her and I love what we had. But looking at the whole picture, I cannot love someone who doesn't truly love themselves nor reciprocates love equally. I don't love her.

 

Thanks again for the truth - I fully admit that I'm naive with this experience. I never had my heart broken before and I made all the classic mistakes, yes, even Googling how to get my ex back...I felt like you were a mind reader or something when you mentioned that!

 

I can't in good conscience carry on like this, though. I'm just raising false hopes in my mind and am just kidding myself.

 

No more now. Need to move forward.

 

I'll probably write a few more posts to track how I'm getting on. Providing NC is maintained, I know I'm feeling a bit better every day.

[Paige1377]

I am a mind reader! Sorry for the bluntness, but it has to be said. Yes it's hard to see them the dreaded ex, mine I have a child with so I have to see him often. It gets easier, but honestly you will have bad days. I have missed my ex like crazy today, don't want him back bc he's not a right fit, but still miss him. That's why you gotta keep distracted.

 

And yes its hard to see your ex with someone else, it flipping hurts bad bc you are thinking omg, they moved on already, are emotionally connected and in love with this person and I meant nothing. And maybe they have, but highly unlikely. My ex checked out of e relationship a while ago, and was texting some woman for two months before we broke up. After my daughter and I left he kept talking to her, even getting pics. In my case it might be something more, or its probably just a distraction to mask the pain of losing his family. Either way, doesn't matter. I spent two weeks obsessing, trying to figure out if this girl was his new "one" and then I realized, so what if she could be?

 

I focused on the bad of the relationship, and thought so what if she's someone he is dating, possibly thinking about getting serious with? I feel sorry for her bc I know he will wrong her just like me, control and dump her like a piece of trash when he doesn't feel in love anymore.

 

That's what you gotta think about....the new person could be a fling, a rebound, their soulmate or just a friend. Doesn't matter at all. I let go of obsessing over what my ex is doing, you won't move on if you know. Avoid spots where your ex could be, block her number, delete all pics, rip up clothes to help with the pain. I made it so I know absolutely nothing that my ex is doing and I am alot happier about it. He isn't my concern anymore, my daughter and I are. If you let go....you may feel that this means they won't ever comeback, but honestly its better to let go and be happy than depressed and waiting for them.

 

Now you seem strong with the last post....that will change, promise. I went bipolar myself, lol. I would hate him, love him, wish he would go away forever and some days be dying for him to call. But whenever you get an impulse call a friend, journal it, focus on the bad. I have a feeling you will love her for a while and that's okay. Love is something you can't just get rid of in a couple weeks. My ex was mentally abusive and cheating on me, treated me like **** and I still love him, bc logically I know he's a douche, however emotionally I haven't caught up to logic.

 

Now, somedays you will want her back bad, but honestly I hae researched the he'll put of the Internet. If it was a trust issue, cheating, that stuff takes time,

Ike six months at least. If my ex and I reconciled it would probably be a year....and honestly I am okay with that bc in the meantime I am moving on and forgetting the past and looking to the future. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, nobody. But life is meant to be lived, not pining over someone who jerked you around. I hope this helps. And no you aren't makers, just felt a love so strongly you can't understand it and e split, but you may never understand it, but you need your sanity in the meantime.

 

Sorry long response, I had a sad day today missing my ex, wishing for him to call and say all those things he won't, so I loveshack it up, journal it, and don't let him know bc this helps people move on, admitting feelings and embracing e future. Tomorrow I will hate him but at least tomorrow and then the next day and the next day less time is focused on him. I hope I helped!

[antinko]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Somehow I went most of yesterday not really caring about her. I only had a tint of worry when I went out and I was hoping I wouldn't bump into her, especially with someone else; however, as the night progressed (I wasn't drinking either), I really found myself not caring all that much.

 

I focused on the things my ex did/traits they had which really turned me off them (felt a bit petty but oh well) and it did make me feel better.

 

I even got a lot of attention last night from various girls, but didn't act upon anything. Was just nice to be noticed.

 

Anyway, I know I will miss her and I admit that I did relapse a bit this morning, but it's not as bad as it was. I know at least that it does start to get better.

 

I am still managing no contact just fine so I'll continue doing that.

[antinko]

How come I just feel this strange emptiness towards her right now?