Sprig Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I've been dating this girl for about 5 months now things are going okay. There is one major problem I am having, she does not know how to manage her money. She is in debt $13,000 +/- and working almost full time at minimum wage and had to move back home because of her debt. However she is also planning all these road trips (she lives for traveling, it's her thing.) Traveling is way she racked up all this debt. Right now she is planning a 1600 mile (return) road trip with a couple of her girl friends in a week or two even split between a couple of them the gas and hotel costs will be pricey. While at an social gathering the other night, a group of friends were talking about another road trip they were taking in a few days and was wondering if anyone else wanted to go. Right away she said she would like to go, and then tried to figure out how she might ditch work to join them. It's ended up she still can't go for one reason or another Then in Sept she is planning on going on a 4,000 mile road trip with one of her girl friends. In November she is planning on quiting her job and going overseas to teach English. Her room and board is paid for, but she says she isn't getting paid. We've talked about marriage or at least living together and the way she spends money scares the %^$( out of me. I'm all for people being able to go out and enjoy themselves, but at some point you will have to pay the piper and that isn't going to be me. I am not going to carry her debt or let her live at my place with out helping out with the bills. Am I being unreasonable? Is it even my business to talk to her about this? Help?
thatone Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 it is absolutely your business. if you two wind up in a place you can't afford alone she could drag you down with her. bad credit takes 7 years to repair. so in effect you're potentially making a 7 year commitment to her.
Els Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Usually I would say that a partner's spending habits are their own business, if they are paying for them themselves. But when it turns into a huge debt, it is your business now, especially if you are thinking of marrying. I would not marry someone who was perpetually in debt.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Am I being unreasonable? Is it even my business to talk to her about this? Help? No you're not. And yes, it is your business since you two are in a relationship. You can't force her to change her habits, but there are consequences she can face for them (i.e. you walking). Unfortunately the prognosis for these types of relationships where both people have different values in regards to money is not very good. I'm not saying she'll never change, but often one needs to learn the hard way. It might not be fun to be around when this happens. I'm just saying.
2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Usually I would say that a partner's spending habits are their own business, if they are paying for them themselves. But when it turns into a huge debt, it is your business now, especially if you are thinking of marrying. I would not marry someone who was perpetually in debt. i agree. not to mention that she has no plan except to continue creating more debt - meanwhile no intent to work more - get paid more - and get rid of her debt. essentially you'd be expected to pay it for her, supply her with constant trips and listen to her wants and needs with expectations that you will hand it all to her. let her find someone else to give her a free ride. no beauty or great sex is worth that. she'll drag you down your whole life man.
Author Sprig Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Thanks for the replies guys, what your saying is what I'm thinking. She is looking for a better job and has gone to school but seems to be having trouble finding work in her field. Now how would be the best way to bring it up, with out offending her?
2sunny Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Sprig;3537675]Thanks for the replies guys, what your saying is what I'm thinking. She is looking for a better job and has gone to school but seems to be having trouble finding work in her field. never helps if she bails on her responsibility to work every time she gets a whiff of someone wanting her to eave town. no boss will keep her employed if she's irresponsible about showing up to work with consistency. she'll get fired every time. Now how would be the best way to bring it up, with out offending her? you know - this isn't working for me - you need to understand this is over.
Els Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 you know - this isn't working for me - you need to understand this is over. Errr no. I completely disagree with dropping the bomb for no reason. He's never even talked to her about it before. As far as she knows, this isn't a problem for him. I'd suggest letting her have a chance to fix things. Tell her, "I know it's your money, and I love you, but I want to have a future with you and if we get married later on your spending habits will affect me too. Have you ever thought of taking steps to minimize your debt?" and see what she says.
vsmini Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You gotta talk to her about how you feel. When you get married her FICO score becomes YOUR FICO score as well. Even being 13K in debt she'll still have minimum payments to make while being overseas and having no income - who will she turn to to pay that? One of the main stresses on a relationship/marriage are financial issues. The fact that it's starting to be a problem now could be a bad sign - so nip it in the bud and see if she's willing to work out a financial plan for herself. Otherwise there isn't much you can do. It is her money and her situation - it's up to her to digg herself out.
Jynxx Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I'd suggest letting her have a chance to fix things. Not gonna happen. You can't help an alcoholic who doesn't understand he has a drinking problem, you can't stop someones financial suicide if they don't care about being in debt. Sure, you can strongarm her into spending less for a while, but you can't make her handle her finances in a responsible manner for the rest of her life. This kind of girl is no material for anything serious. And for the love of god, op, if you do decide to get married, get a prenup.
Els Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Not gonna happen. You can't help an alcoholic who doesn't understand he has a drinking problem, you can't stop someones financial suicide if they don't care about being in debt. Sure, you can strongarm her into spending less for a while, but you can't make her handle her finances in a responsible manner for the rest of her life. This kind of girl is no material for anything serious. And for the love of god, op, if you do decide to get married, get a prenup. I am sure there are people who have assisted alcoholics in the long road to recovery, who will beg to differ with you. Regardless, OP has stated that he just wants to talk to his girl, not dump her. I am offering advice based on that framework. Also, I see nothing wrong with trying - why quit before you try? Statistically, most relationships don't work out, but if statistics were to deter us from trying then no one would even bother having relationships. Since she is not borrowing from or otherwise compromising the OP at this time, he loses nothing by trying.
Finch Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 vsmini is right - when you marry someone you take on their debt as well, so keep that in mind. But as Elswyth has said, since you are not currently cohabitating and not yet married you can try bringing this issue up with your girlfriend as something to discuss first, rather than just ending the relationship. If you want a future with her then these are things you must talk about now, before the relationship becomes any more serious or you become more committed, in order to protect yourself and your own finances. It's her money and her choices that have led to her situation, but you do not need to be pulled into the same problems. Personally I would not marry or move in with someone who had that amount of debt and who showed no interest in becoming financially solvent. She's leaving to teach English and not getting paid. How is she paying for expenses aside from room and board? like vsmini said, does she have a plan to cover he minimum debt payments? Does she have a job lined up or even a solid plan for where to work when she gets back? If I were you, before taking things any further with her I would want to see proof that she is working at: a) Paying off her current debt b) Living within her means, on a budget, and on her own c) Saving for the future and the things she wants, such as trips d) Acting responsibly in terms of work Right now it sounds as if she is living a lifestyle that she cannot afford. If you want to continue to see her than yes, it is your business. But it is not up to you to enable her or act as a bank machine for her. By all means, talk to her. Elswyth is right in that at this point you have nothing to lose. On an aside, am I the only one who finds it odd that the girlfriend and the OP have talked about marriage and yet she's preparing to leave the country? Are you two going to have an LDR? For how long? Are you going overseas with her? Also, OP, are you invited along on these frequent road trips? Based solely on what you've posted it doesn't sound as if this girl is really committed to the relationship as much as you might be. Money problems in and of themselves, are big enough to cause serious relationship stress, but I find it interesting that in your initial post you bring up the relationship by saying "things are going okay"....you don't sound overly enthusiastic about it, and it makes me wonder if there are other things going on as well besides the money issues.
musemaj11 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You are crazy if you are gonna marry this calamity. I cant understand people like you. Do you find pleasure through suffering or what?
Author Sprig Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Thanks again everyone All great advice! If we do ever get married there is no way that we would be going into the marrage with her sizable debt where I will be trying to pay it off for her. I've worked too hard to get where I am today and have been pretty careful with my money. I will at some point try and talk to her, and hopefully not come off as judgemental or trying to strong arm her.
Casablanca Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 What kind of debt is this? Is it from traveling and buying too many clothes and such or is it student loan debt? that makes a huge difference If it is the latter then it is fine, but if it is the former, I'd let her know if she can't come up with a plan to start erasing her debt that the relationship is going to have to end...I couldnt date someone with that much debt if it wasnt student loans and had no plan to erase it
grkBoy Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Am I being unreasonable? Is it even my business to talk to her about this? Help? No...you're not being unreasonable. I've seen many girls have RLs end when it seemed it was time to get engaged. The main reason was either the guy has massive amounts of bad debt or the girl did. I've known men and women too who max out credit cards and "live for the moment", thinking bankruptcy or their parents will save them when they're in trouble. Even seen guys who bought homes and now can't pay them decide to walk away from the mortgage and say they'll have their future wife sign the mortgage papers down the road since she has a better credit rating. Marriage is a long-term thing. If you see she's a spender on frivolity, then imagine her as a bride, and then a wife. Imagine her demanding the lavishly expensive wedding and then later quitting her job to be a homemaker (but doesn't do much in the home) and still loves to go shopping. Lay down the law, and don't put a ring on her finger unless she's going to change her life.
Author Sprig Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 On an aside, am I the only one who finds it odd that the girlfriend and the OP have talked about marriage and yet she's preparing to leave the country? Are you two going to have an LDR? For how long? Are you going overseas with her? Also, OP, are you invited along on these frequent road trips? Based solely on what you've posted it doesn't sound as if this girl is really committed to the relationship as much as you might be. Money problems in and of themselves, are big enough to cause serious relationship stress, but I find it interesting that in your initial post you bring up the relationship by saying "things are going okay"....you don't sound overly enthusiastic about it, and it makes me wonder if there are other things going on as well besides the money issues. She would be leaving the country for 4 months, so really not that bad. Yes, I have been invited on these road trips. Yes, there are other things going on. but one problem at a time. I know for me the money thing is the bigger of the two issues. I am just stressed about this issue, otherwise I'm pretty happy. That said, I'm also not blind to what is going on and if it's not working we'll try and fix it, it that doesn't work then this relationship might have run it's course.
ccfan Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 (edited) i agree. not to mention that she has no plan except to continue creating more debt - meanwhile no intent to work more - get paid more - and get rid of her debt. essentially you'd be expected to pay it for her, supply her with constant trips and listen to her wants and needs with expectations that you will hand it all to her. let her find someone else to give her a free ride. no beauty or great sex is worth that. she'll drag you down your whole life man. This is the absolute truth... no way around it. I was SO in the same boat with my last ex, she did spend INSANE amounts of money everyday, wanted to try expensive restaurants and ordered champagne every two or three days.. non stop.. her credit card was always being rejected and i had to go to the financial rescue all the time, to the point where she was draining my savings as well.... and like your girlfriend she was adicted to travel. Oh.. and one day she dumped me in a very cold harsh way so i gess she's a mean superficial girl (no impliying at all that OPs girl is just saying that sometimes these patterns can reflect much depeer personality issues) OP: let me ask you, by any chance your girl comes from a poor or somewhat humble background? ...usually the people that have such insane expending habits are trying to hide where they come from. Also keep in mind that theres no delicate way to bring this up or "suggest" it to her, you have to just tell her what you feel and thats that. I'm sorry to say this to you but as much as you love this girl and believe me i loved my ex more than i can say, these people have issues and are trouble... Like another poster said if you do decide get married one day, please hire the best lawyer in town and make her sign a prenup. My ex was really hot, the sex was great and i was in love with her.. and even with all that its never worth to go to a financial ruin because the other person is drowning you with them be careful brother... Edited July 30, 2011 by ccfan
musemaj11 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Thanks again everyone All great advice! If we do ever get married there is no way that we would be going into the marrage with her sizable debt where I will be trying to pay it off for her. I've worked too hard to get where I am today and have been pretty careful with my money. I will at some point try and talk to her, and hopefully not come off as judgemental or trying to strong arm her. Dude, $13,000 is a lot of debt to pay off for someone who can only qualify for a minimum wage job. I bet she doesnt even have a degree. And even if one day she comes to her senses and try to get her life in order, she will have to incur even more debt in order to finance her education. You have to be really desperate to want to put up with something like this.
zengirl Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 In November she is planning on quiting her job and going overseas to teach English. Her room and board is paid for, but she says she isn't getting paid. I saved significant money teaching English, but why is she not getting paid? That confuses me. Does she have a college degree? I spent years traveling---it's my thing, too---and still travel a lot, but there are ways to make money traveling. I'm super confused how she can teach English without a college degree, though (and if she has one, she can definitely go overseas AND get paid if she's going anywhere you can teach legally); it sounds like a scam that's going to go not so well. Even when I taught in Argentina while still in college, I got paid. Not well, granted, but I still saved money even there. And I was saving at least 1K a month most of the time I was in Asia. At any rate, anywhere that gets you a proper visa in any country I've heard of pretty much has to pay you. To your actual question, There can certainly be money incompatibilities. And you're free to raise them. She's also free to ignore your opinion. It really depends how important it is to you in the scheme of things. A partner who couldn't manage their money and debt would be a dealbreaker to me because we'd have incompatible life goals.
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